Chapter 57

I went back to the boat and showered, shaved, and got ready for bed. It was over an hour later when I felt the deck dip as someone boarded. Sherrie opened the salon door and came straight to my lap. She kissed me, and nuzzled my neck, while squirming around my lap trying to see if Mr. Johnson was happy to see her.

Sherrie shimmied around for a while, and then asked, "Brian, what do you want from me? What's in this for you?" She had a point. I bet there was plenty about my offer that was confusing.

"Truly, I want nothing. Seriously – nothing. I have no family. Jennifer has you and Jerry. She deserves to have a life. I have more than I will live to spend, so it's my choice to try and do what I can to help her have one.

"As for us, I want you to feel perfectly comfortable to make whatever decisions you want to make about what you feel like doing with me. I'm asking nothing, taking nothing, demanding nothing, and expecting nothing." I felt a little weird ticking off all those things, but the truth was true. I wanted nothing from Sherrie but for her to find some happiness. If that happened without me, then that's the way it played out.

"You are completely in the driver's seat when it comes to what you do, don't do, feel like doing, or try to do.

"As far as Jennifer is concerned, I feel a tremendous desire to see if a great doctor can help give her a life beyond her wheelchair. That's it. That's everything."

I could see the doubt in her eyes. She wanted to believe that someone cared about her daughter without a hidden agenda, or that I would help Jennifer without expecting her to pay for it on her back. Her marriage - how it ended - wasn't good to her. I was apparently paying the price, in Sherrie's doubting mind. She held my face and stared deep into my eyes, for the longest time. I held her gaze, and let her search. Not knowing what she wanted me to say, I decided it was best to say nothing.

Eventually Sherrie made her decision and rested her head on my chest. Whatever she decided must have brought her peace of mind, because she lay there awhile, then stood up, took my hand and led me to the bedroom, where we tried to set the all-time, indoor record for consecutive orgasms, in less than thirty minutes.

We had no idea how close we came to the record, but Sherrie swore that she heard a man from Guinness Book of World Records, banging on the salon door.

It was in the quiet of afterglow that I realized I was the first runner up, again. It didn't hurt so much as it confirmed for me that this was my life. For good, or bad, I was the guy women used to get past the wrong guy, and get to the right guy. The one they really wanted to be with.

When she left me to go back to Jennifer, Sherrie said, "You're a good guy. I think we'll let you hang around a little while." I took that at face value.

It is freeing for a man to realize that he is not "the one." Without the pressure that comes with putting together a romantic relationship, I was free to enjoy each day without worrying about the long term effect of every little thing. Sherrie was so deeply immersed in Jennifer's care, that she was left with precious little time for herself, let alone me.

With me hanging around, in case something bad were to happen, Jerry felt free to go back to his routine of golf, women, and retirement. Since I don't play golf, wasn't interested in the country club bunnies, and happy to do my own thing, I was free to work around the boat, tell stories to a enthralled Jennifer, and be there for those stolen hours when Sherrie and I could take off our clothes and remind each other that we were good in bed, together.

We were good. Sex was good for both of us. My days with Beth Ann trained me to make it very good for my partner, if I wanted them to be very good to me, in return. However there was an invisible wall Sherrie was putting up between us, and it kept growing as we got closer to jetting off to New York.

Our relationship reminded me of the days following the attack in the hangar, when Rebecca and Colleen found themselves wanting an easy way out of our unique relationship. I had already decided that I wouldn't fight for a woman. Anyone that doesn't want to be with me needs to be with someone else.

I was lounging on the top deck of the BETH ANN, enjoying the winter sun, when it hit me. Sherrie should not have to feel uncomfortable about our relationship, and it was my responsibility to put her mind at ease. I went inside the house and helped her clean up and change Jennifer, and put her down for a nap, while her drugs worked.

When Jennifer was soundly sleeping I said, "Het. Let's sit in the solarium for a little while. I need to talk to you."

She gave me a puzzled look but followed me in. I noticed that Sherrie chose to sit on a separate piece of furniture, which was a sign of her internal attitude about our status. Rather than beat around the bush, I jumped straight in. "Sherrie, it's obvious that you are not sure how to be with me. I completely understand that you're unsure, what with me paying for Jennifer's treatment, and living just a few yards away on my boat, you aren't certain how to act towards me.

"I don't want you to be with me out of any sense of obligation. It's clear that we both love sex and are good at it, together, but for you, there's something missing, and I get it. You can't make yourself feel things for me that aren't there, and I hate the thought of you feeling pressure to be somebody you're not.

"It's Ok. I understand your total commitment is to Jennifer and whatever she needs. When you get out of a bad marriage, you need time to figure out who you are, without having to be something for someone else.

"There's no pressure here. Be whoever you want to be. Find out who you are, by yourself. Don't feel like you owe me your time, your body, or your affection.

"Sure I love being with you, but not if you feel you owe it to me. I don't want to be part of that type of relationship. What I'm saying is, your life is yours. Don't go around worrying about what I expect, want, or what you think I need. If you want to have sex with me, say so, and if I am of a like mind, we will. If you feel the need to be held and cuddled, but not screwed, that's fine. Say so.

"It's that simple. Don't make believe. Don't put up a good front. Relax and let yourself just be you for a change. When we go to New York feel free to have as much privacy as you want, and need, without considering what I think. The only thing that matters is Jennifer, and what you need to do for her.

"That's why we're going. It's not about you and me playing house. If you want to spend time with me, fine. If not, fine. Don't let anything distract you from Jennifer's needs and what the doctors think they can do for her.

"Make sure you get plenty of rest. Rest is a weapon when you're fighting a health problem. The better rested you are the better you can help Jennifer deal with the stresses that come with what she will go through next week."

By the time I was done, Sherrie was crying. Through her tears she said, "You're right, you know. I am trying so hard to make myself feel attracted to you, and be attractive to you, because I thought that was what I should be doing.

"I thought I had to love you, or you might get in your boat and drive away, just when we might have a chance to get Jennifer some help.

"Brian, it's not that I'm not attracted to you. I'm just not in love with you and I thought I had to be ... Please forgive me. You've been so good to us and here I am acting like an idiot in high school.

"I don't know what to do. Tell me what I'm supposed to do here." I'd guessed right. She was either not over her ex-husband, or she simply shut down as far as loving someone was concerned. Neither was going to be good for our long term future.

"Don't do anything. If you feel like snuggling, snuggle. If you feel like sex, and want to have sex with me, find me and ask. If you need to soak in the hot tub and forget the world for a little while, I'll stay with Jennifer while you do. There is no 'have to' about this at all. The only thing you have to do is whatever you think is best."