Chapter 20

The week in Branson flew by. Beth Ann and Regina were rounding back into form following delivering my children, and I spent a lot of time holding my babies.

The night before I was to go back to DC, I called Beth Ann, Regina, Colleen, Millie, Jim, Winnie, Jack, and Rebecca to the sitting room, just outside my bedrooms, and told them to prepare to spend several hours, as I had 'things' to discuss that would take a long time. We bathed, fed, and diapered the children, and put them to bed, attended by their nannies, at the end of the hallway, far from us while we had our talk...

My staff was sent ahead to DC, and the house staff was restricted to the first floor. Jack swept the entire house for listening devices, and brought with him an electronic device that scrambles sound waves, so they can't be recorded. It might be that the thing scrambles electronic waves, but either way, you can't record anything in its vicinity, while it is running. That gave us as much privacy as it was possible to achieve.

"You are all going to be tempted to assume that I have lost my mind," I said and then began to tell them about my life.

All of them...

Then I took them – one by one – into my bedroom, and told them personal things about our relationships.

"It all started the day the truck hit you and Brian – the first time, not this last time..." I started with Beth Ann. It took all evening, and several trips to the kitchen for refreshments, but I bared my soul. All the things I'd been afraid to disclose had to come out, one way or another.

It was time.

"I died in that crash, Beth Ann. My little, beat up, Toyota, was crushed by that produce truck, and I died inside it.

"Then – after dying - I opened my eyes in your van, wearing Brian's clothes and living in his body. I died again, the second time in Brian's body, at the hospital in Springfield. You never suspected a thing, but I was badly damaged, too damaged to live very long. Rebecca used to warn Colleen that I was not long for this world, due to the brain bleeds I suffered.

"I died once in my body – Carl's body - then several times in Brian's body, before I died the last time – not this time through. I know it's confusing. Just stick with me and I promise it will begin to make sense soon.

"Beth Ann, when I was Brian, you and I had the most wonderful love affair. We were totally, completely, and wildly in love for a short time, and then the mob killed you, and kept trying to kill me, until they succeeded.

"In my heart, I referred to you as my OTL – my One True Love - and we were inseparable until that last afternoon when all hell broke loose...

" ... and then you died...

"They killed my One True Love and a big part of me..."

We sat silently for a long time, while Beth Ann processed the bomb I just dropped on her.

"You mean Brian and I – you and me, but you as Brian - not you as you, but you as Brian, and me, had a love affair???" She contemplated that info, far away in her head, someplace I wasn't invited. The best thing to do was sit tight and let her work through all the permutations of her "other" life and see what she thinks when she's done.

"I must be an awful mother," she said so sadly.

"You are many things, my darling, but one of them is not a bad mother."

She cut me off. "You know I fooled around with Brian – my Brian – not you as Brian, in Florida, right? I felt so guilty, but thought it was a one-time thing, and as long as I didn't repeat that mistake, no harm – no foul, right?

"Now I know I have this ... this ... thing inside me that makes me take advantage of young boys ... I don't know what to think, anymore..."

Her sadness wasn't what I expected, so I did the only thing possible under the circumstances. I kissed her with all my might. I kissed her until I felt her body respond ahead of her heart and mind. When the rest of her caught up and kissed back, we took it to a higher place, and I made her come multiple times, without giving her a second to think about it. When she was exhausted from the intensity of her climaxes, I entered her and took her so far over the edge, she passed out.

It worked.

"If you did this to me back when you were Brian, no wonder I gave it up to you. I was so needy, and completely unprepared for how intensely I was attracted to you, when you saved Brian and me. It was everything I could do not to strip you on that hospital gurney and ride you to the moon.

"Carl you turned me into the woman I am, and now I find out that you made me that way twice ... I don't know what I think of that.

"One thing you need not think about is you and Brian," I said, seriously. "You were vulnerable and unsure. Later I suspected you wanted to break things off but didn't know how. Moving Brian to Lakeland seemed to seal the deal in your mind, so you temporarily confused yourself, and then righted yourself immediately.

"So what – Big Deal?

"You two shared a little thrill, but it wasn't too much of a thrill, and you realized it was not what you intended, and moved on.

"Let it go, and forget about it. I guarantee Brian thinks it was the coolest thing he ever did, and that you are the coolest mom on earth - so let him."

She thought that over while I gently rocked inside her. Pretty soon thinking took a back seat to coming and she squealed, cried out, scratched my back, and slammed into me with all her might, then fell back on the bed, panting with exertion.

Later...

She said, "Brian and I talked about what we did that night." I could tell she had something important to say and let her take all the time it took to find the right words. "He said he was 'motivated' to touch me, because he wanted to be just like you.

"Carl, Brian knew we had a wonderful sex life, and he absolutely adored you. He looked up to you like a combination big brother, second father, and best friend. Getting in my pants, and getting me to play with him meant he could do at least one thing, be with one person that was all yours, and feel more like you..."

I was astounded.

"Don't look so shocked. If I had let him, he would have made love to me, and felt like it was his one big chance to BE Carl Fleming. He didn't want to have an affair with me. He just wanted to be like you."

"I guess I don't have an answer for that," I said. "I hope you understand that I would never do, or encourage anyone to do anything that would hurt you. You and Brian shared a very private experience, and you need to let that be just what it was and forget about blame. There's no one to blame, and no blame to lay, so let it go.

"I love you so much, but I mean it when I say, 'there's nothing to worry about, nothing to regret, and nothing to beat yourself up over.' Brian still loves you, and I have never seen him treat you like he thinks you're easy, or cheap. I never see anything but love and admiration in his eyes where you're concerned. Let him love you, and don't let misplaced guilt drive the two of you apart."

We talked some more, then I moved on to the others.

"What is sometimes hardest for me, is to avoid wanting to talk about things we did together, but, Jim, you and I built an amazing minor league baseball team, and I was Most Valuable Player in the World Series. Colleen and Rebecca gave birth to my children in another existence. I miss them - Millicent Jane, and James Brian - more than you can ever imagine, mostly because, as far as I can tell, they never existed – in this world.