Chapter 19

Love...

What do you do with it?

Why should you feel obligated to "do" anything with love?

How do you know when to do something and when to let something do you?

That was all on my mind as I worked out at the health club attached to the local hospital. As I moved from machine to machine, trying to build back strength in my damaged leg, I contemplated how my heart kept expanding to include more people.

Beth Ann, my OTL. When I fell in love with Beth Ann, I fell so far that ever climbing back was impossible. She captivated my heart, drove my body crazy with desire, and fulfilled me in ways I've not experienced with anyone else.

Colleen is my foil. She changed me into a man who thought of love, life, and sex in two dimensions. I loved Colleen sexually, but I also loved her as a challenge. She challenges me to live up to her expectations of a lover. Instead of giving and taking, Colleen sets the terms of surrender, and then when those terms are met, she surrenders with her entire body and soul.

If you hit short of the mark, she leaves you in her dust. That was something to live up to.

Rebecca loves sex with someone that she has no reason to fear. I make her feel safe, content, and without fear of rejection, and she responds with near total abandon. At the pinnacle of her pleasure, Rebecca curses, screams, scratches, and flings her body in every direction at once. Once she passes the point of no fear, its game on. Until exhaustion overtakes her, or Colleen and / or Beth Ann interrupt, Rebecca is totally all in for the duration.

My short experience with Millie was completely different. She 'entered' into sex, instead of participating in it. Millie tiptoed towards lovemaking, while staying prepared to walk away if it didn't work out. Her innate sexuality is like a drug. All this time later, I still think of her complete surrender when she finally decided to be with me.

For Tammy and Sherrie, I was an interlude without a future. They used me to shake the cobwebs off of their sexuality, and it freed them to go in search of the real thing. Maggie, who was really a pet project for Rebecca, was a one-time event, that was fun but pointless, and there was no reason to seek a round two.

Then there is/was Winnie. She's twenty-nine years old, single, lonely, and unfulfilled sexually. There is no reason for her to give me a second glance, and no way to engineer a meeting to find out. What we shared was intense, dramatic, and satisfying on an elemental level. I'd love to find a way to reconnect, but that doesn't seem likely, reasonable, or gentlemanly. I have three women who love me in their best way, and I love them all intensely, passionately, and completely without reservation. There was no reason to endanger that by chasing rainbows.

"Hey," I heard, interrupting my reverie. "You're Carl Fleming, right?"

She was an honest to god Pixie. I was looking at a girl-woman, who stood four foot something, and weighed about eighty pounds. She must have been in her late twenties, judging by her crow's feet, but looked twelve. Her bust line was imaginary, but her nipples more than made up for it. They stood out proud and strong, pointing straight ahead, and begging to be sucked.

I took it all in before she spoke again. "You're Carl Fleming, right?" This time she had just a bit of an edge in her voice.

"Yep," I said, partially out of breath from the workout. "Guilty as charged. Do you have a name?"

She smiled when I said that. Her teeth were brilliantly white, and even as could be. I caught myself wondering what her mouth would taste like, then shook off the horn dog routine, and gave her my attention. "I'm Gigi. I work with the old people, so you are nice change of pace. Because of your injuries, George has been taking it easy on you. We've been afraid you'll tear something if you try too much, too soon. Now it's time to figure out how much you've strengthened and healed.

"George said to come and do an evaluation on your progress, before we up your rehab intensity. How do you feel doing the prescribed exercises and repetitions?" She was sizing me up, but not in that way. This one was all business. Too bad.

"I find myself zoning out. The routine is not hard, as much as it is tiring. I'm nowhere near my peak, but I am near my overall endurance by the time I finish." She could see I wasn't sweating like a pig, or breathing like I'd just finished a marathon, so what I'd said would make sense.

Gigi spent the next hour teaching me new exercises, harder routines, heavier weight training, and longer duration of repetition. By the time she called it quits I was drenched, weak, and nearly unable to stand. I couldn't wait to crawl into the hot tub in the locker room for some relief.

She saw my look and correctly guessed what I was going to do as soon as she finished tormenting me. "Listen, Carl," she said with a smile. "I know you can't wait to shower off and hit the hot tub, so follow me, and I will introduce you to a part of our rehab center you had no idea existed."