47: What I Love

I had a lot of work to do to get ready for my internship in Kokomo. My departure was still a week away, but I needed every minute. Not the least of which would be spent with my friends.

Rhonda slid to a stop in our driveway on Monday morning at six-forty-five. She parked her bike and newspaper bags by the breezeway door and walked into the house. She'd been coming to my house for almost two years now and knew the back door was always open. If by some chance it wasn't, she knew where the key was. It was pretty cool that she was comfortable enough to just walk in and grab a cup of coffee while I scrambled eggs.

"Morning, boyfriend," she said brightly. "Does the chef want a kiss?"

"The chef would love a kiss, girlfriend." I turned and she held her coffee to the side while she pecked me on the lips.

"Didn't you get enough of that kissy stuff last week?" she giggled. "How many of us did you kiss?"

"Every one that I could."

"Including the new girlfriend," Rhonda giggled. I set a plate of scrambled eggs, sausage, and toast in front of her. I sat down with my own breakfast. It was a kind of overwhelming week. It did keep me out of the way of Hurricane Betts most of the week, though. "Are you sad that your sister is gone?" Rhonda asked.

"I am, in a way. It's like when you have a toothache and then the dentist pulls the tooth. The pain goes away, but you keep sticking your tongue in the hole."

"I never had a cavity."

"Lucky you. When I was little, I had some real problems with my baby teeth. And a dentist that wasn't at all gentle. The first time Dad took me to a barbershop I screamed and wouldn't get in the chair because it looked like the dentist's chair. Fortunately, my adult teeth have been fine. That's why I brush every chance I get and floss after eating."

"I never noticed you were obsessive about it."

"Naw. I just do it. Nobody else has to know."

"I don't know what I'd do if Donna moved that far away. I'd be really sad."

We finished up our breakfast and cleaned the kitchen before we headed for the barn.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked. "I sort of feel that every time I don't want to do my job any longer, you step in and take it over."

"This isn't the same. You won't be here for a while. Then you'll come back and I'll be out of a job."

"That's the way it was supposed to work with the newspaper," I laughed. We got hay for the girls and picked up the brushes. Rhonda headed straight into Gypsy's stall and I went to get Princess ready.

"Are you sad about that, Brian? Do you want the route back? I love it, but I didn't mean to take it away from you. And then hurt you right after."

"Honey, don't worry about that. There were all kinds of things going on back then. For one thing I was tired and in almost constant pain and couldn't figure out why I wasn't healing any faster. Turned out I was growing. I attribute everything else to growing pains. I'm happy that you took over the route because otherwise, I'd have just quit. Now I know my customers are getting good service."

"Your customers, huh?"

"Well, our customers." I finished brushing Princess and grabbed a hoof-pick to go check Gypsy's hooves. I explained the process to Rhonda and how to stand so she wasn't in the direct line of fire if something spooked the horse while she was holding the hoof. Gypsy was good as gold and picked up each hoof when I told her to. There was a little crap and straw caught in the shoe, but otherwise it was clean. We went in to Princess and Rhonda did the first hoof. Princess was good, though she turned her head almost back to her shoulder to watch. I'd noticed something yesterday when I took her out and wanted to point it out to Rhonda. "Look at how her hoof is chipped over here," I said. "There used to be a nail there. Now it's gone. That means there's only three nails left holding this shoe on and they are putting more stress on the hoof. You have to watch for things like that."

"What do we have to do?"

"I told Dad and he said he'd call the farrier today. He'll probably be out before the weekend. I think both girls will probably get all new shoes, so they should be good for the summer."

"Oooh. New shoes, Princess," Rhonda cooed. "We'll have to have all the girls come over to see them. Maybe we'll paint your toenails, too!" I laughed.

"It would take a lot of toenail polish to paint this girl's hooves!"

"Are you saying she's got big feet? Don't listen to him, Princess. We're going to be good friends this summer." We got the girls saddled and I watched as Rhonda managed to get the saddle over Gypsy's back then tightened the cinch.

"Hey, you're getting good at this," I said. "Watch. When you get the cinch tight as you can pull it, lean back and touch her chest right here with your knee." Gypsy blew out and the cinch came up another inch. "See, she was faking, holding her breath so her chest would be bigger when you tightened the cinch."

"Isn't that cruel?"

"I didn't knee her. I just pushed with my knee so she'd blow. You know, Honey, I'd never do anything cruel to these girls nor show you how to." I led Princess out into the aisle. "Now this beauty queen who wants a pedicure is more sensitive than Gypsy." I tightened the cinch. "Princess! Blow!" A gust of wind came out of her nostrils as her lips flapped. I tightened up. "She doesn't like you to push against her, so she just does what you want when you tell her to. The result is the same."

"What a smart girl," Rhonda said. She offered Princess a carrot. We led the horses outside and got their bridles on. Gypsy took the bit from Rhonda with no trouble. I was proud of both of them. We left them tied to the fence and went in to gather our saddlebags with food and water. We had a picnic lunch, a blanket, and we were ready to ride. It was going to be a good ride today. Early Road intersected Willow Creek and there was a trail along the water. We'd have to be very careful when we crossed McKinley and Geofferson, but aside from that, it was just a little wilderness greenway. Sometimes we let the horses wander down into the water to get a drink or just for a change of pace. When we crossed McKinley and went behind the fire station, the stream widened into a little pond. As kids in elementary school it was a big deal to go on field trips out to the pond. We weren't allowed out there during recess. The proud brick back of Kennedy was visible through the stand of hickory trees where we dismounted and spread our blanket for lunch. We sat on the blanket and talked as we stuffed ourselves with the sandwiches and chips.

"I know you are interested in chemistry, Brian—even that you love it—but is it what you want to do?" she asked.

"I'm really kind of afraid, Honey. I don't have to decide that right away, but I want to do something useful."

"Sweeping floors is useful."

"Um ... Maybe I mean 'meaningful.' I want to do something that has meaning for myself and for the world. That's why I can't imagine myself being a cook, really. I love cooking. For something to just do, I could probably do it all the time. Of course, that's me talking before I go to Kokomo and work in a restaurant. I might come back and never want to cook again."

"Oh? I doubt it." I lay back and Rhonda stretched out perpendicular to me, using my stomach as a pillow. I petted her hair a little and she smiled up at me. "So do you think you'll come back from Kokomo and never want to see Jennifer and Courtney again, too?" That pulled my head up with a snap to look at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you are saying that being around something you love full time might make you not love it anymore. I wondered if we were included in that." She wasn't angry or menacing. This was just Rhonda asking probing questions like she always did.

"Rhonda, don't ever think that my love for you is in the same class as my love for chemistry or cooking. People are different. I will always love you."

"That wasn't the question."

"Jennifer and Courtney? You know they are really cool girls and I like them a lot. I don't expect to get an opportunity to get tired of them. They ... are really into each other, you know? I'm not saying they aren't interested in me, too, but I think I'm more an excuse for them to be together than for them to be with me," I said.

Rhonda rolled to her side to look at me and, not satisfied, rose up on an elbow and pushed herself up partly on top of me so she could look me in the eye.

"I know you love them and they love you," she said.

"How can you be so sure?"

"I know what Brian loves. Brian loves chemistry and cooking. Brian loves horses and basketball. Brian loves Jennifer and Courtney. Especially when they're naked."

"Rhonda! How could you possibly know a thing like that? I mean if it was true."

"Too late. Brian loves Samantha's silky smooth skin all over her body. Brian doesn't know it yet, but he loves Liz. Liz and Samantha are crazy about Brian."

"We're just good friends."

"Brian loves all his girlfriends. Rachel and Brenda and Whitney and Rose. Donna and Elaine and Renee and Doreen and Sora. Denise and Sugar. And me. Brian loves me."

"Well, you got that right. I do love you."

"You just think it's different. It isn't really. You still love Joanne, too." Even after everything? Yeah. I still loved Joanne. Loved the way she'd been my guardian angel. Loved the way she'd taught me to kiss and taught me so much else. Loved the way we'd played in the lake. "Do you love Joanne the same way you love me?" Shit! Danger! Danger! What do I say to that? "It's not a trick question, Brian. I already know the answer and I'll know if you lie to me." Still...

"If you mean, 'Do I love her like my heart aches when she is away from me like it aches for you?' Yes. If you mean, 'Do I want to hold her in my arms and protect her from all the bad things in the world like I want to protect you?' Yes. If you mean, 'Do I want a future where we can spend our lives together like I want for us?' Yes. If you mean, 'Do I trust her like I trust you?' No."

"Oh, Brian. See? It wasn't so hard. Once you stop and think about Jennifer and Courtney and Samantha and ... some others, you'll see that you love them like you love me, too."

"All right, smarty. Tell me what Rhonda loves."

"Mmm. I love my mom and dad and Donna. I love your horses. I love cooking with you. I love my bicycle and getting up early in the morning. I love the sound my boots make in the cold dark as I walk through the snow before anyone else is awake. I love all my girlfriends, but some different than others. I love all my boyfriends, but most of all, Brian, I love you."

"Rhonda..."

"I know I don't like all the kissy sexy stuff like some of the others do. But I love the you that plays with me, and lets me lie on your stomach for a pillow, and the you that loves the other girls. I'm glad that Jennifer and Courtney and Samantha really like the kissy stuff and let you hold and touch their breasts. I kind of breathe a sigh of relief because it takes a little pressure off me so I don't have to do that. They have really nice breasts. I hope you hold them a lot this summer while you are with them."

"How do you know so much about their breasts? And how much I like to touch them?" I was a goner. I might as well admit that Samantha and I practically had oral sex.

"We're girls. We got dressed together. They didn't hide their breasts." She giggled. "Neither did I. There's only five people in the whole world I don't hide my breasts from."

"Who?"

"You know them."

"Well you just said Jennifer and Courtney and Sam. Um ... your sister?" Rhonda nodded. Who else didn't she hide her breasts from? "Liz?"

"Huh uh. Come on. You know who." I couldn't for the life of me think of whom. I just shook my head. "You, silly."

"You don't hide your breasts from me?"

"I showed them to you after the prom. Did you forget?"

"I could never forget that. I just thought you meant people you ... well, you said you didn't hide, not that you showed them once."

"Brian. I'll show you my breasts any time you ask me to. Or any other part of me that you want to see. But I won't just tease you with them because I know you really want more than just seeing them and I'm not ready for that. If you just want to see me, though, I'll take off all my clothes right now and show you all of me."

"Rhonda."

"See, that's how much I love you. I love you enough to do the things you want to do, just like you love me enough to not do the things I don't want." I hugged her. I didn't ask to see her breasts. We lay near the horses and maybe even dozed a little in the peaceful greenway.

"How come you like early morning so much?" I asked sleepily. "It makes me tired in the afternoon."

"Yeah. Me, too. But ... This is silly. When I get up early I know that ... that you are there with me. I know you're not really there, but I like to think that we share that early morning with each other."

"I wake up every morning at four-thirty and think, 'Ride safely, Rhonda.' Sometimes I whisper to you."

"See? And someday when my head and emotions grow into my body, we'll wake up together early and you'll hold me and look at our family and our lovers and we'll make love because it's our special time together. And even if everyone else wakes up, they'll pretend to be asleep because they all know that four-thirty in the morning is Brian and Rhonda time."

"Can I call you this summer? At four-thirty while you are rolling your papers? Will it disturb your parents if the phone rings?"

"Can't do it every day. But let's do it every Thursday morning. I'll get my papers in and wait by the phone until you call so I can grab it on the first ring. It will be fun."

Eventually we got our things packed up and rode on along the creek. It was less than a mile from there to the hill behind the church that we slid on during the winter. We rode the two miles back to my house along Cedar Road.