Chapter 4

Sandy's mouth opened and Johnny thought she was going to scream at him. She didn't. She sat down beside him. "So where do we go from here? I was going to have to talk to you eventually, so I guess there is no great damage done. The damage was done when Gordon approached me to give the FBI a hand again."

"When did this happen?"

"A little over three weeks ago. Gordon came to town and came to the house. I am the only agent who knows what Abdul looks like. I thought he was dead until Gordon came to see me. At least that is what I was told while I was recovering. A different person was identified when I was injured. Nobody knows who that person was. Maybe some one was just collateral damage. Anyway Gordon came to town. I dropped Annie off at your mother's and Gordon drove me up to Hannaford's because Abdul was often hanging out with college students.

"The student van was there and I saw Abdul that day and pointed him out to Gordon. Gordon was lucky enough to get a good picture of him. The rest of the time we have been conversing by email. Did you read them all? How did you get into my account anyway?"

"No, I didn't have time to read more. Just the last couple before you brought Annie into the house. How I got to open your account? You left your user name and password list out. I spotted Gordon's email on it and went searching. I found it. End of story."

"We haven't discussed where this leaves us as a couple. We should."

"I agree. You know, ever since Gordon approached me I have been lied to almost continually. I've been told something one day, promised it was the truth and within a short time it has been retracted and I was told something else. I've been married twice to you and I'm beginning to doubt if either time was legal. The only thing I have got out of this is Annie. I'll tell you one thing, if anyone tries to take her from me I'm going public with everything I know."

I was silent and then I said, "I probably wouldn't be so pissed if I hadn't found out you claimed this terrorist, Abdul, was better at fucking you than I am. That hurt, but that's probably just my male ego talking. Also from the way one of the emails read, Gordon is using your body to trap this person. Are you going to screw him?"

Now it was Sandy's silence that stretched on. Finally, "If I have to, I will. Johnny, it's my job and that is part of it."

"You know, I thought your only job was to make me and Annie happy. I thought I earned that right and now I learn it is all bullshit."

"It looks like we are all done as a couple with you feeling the way you do. I'd just like to remind you what Abdul is working toward. Think about what would happen if the Vernon dam were taken out and the one in Bellows Falls. Think about the dams on the west river. And then there is the Entergy Nuclear Plant. The terrorists might not even have to attack it. Timed right, with the dams destroyed, the river might do it for them.

"Think too, if the bridges between Vermont and New Hampshire were blown along with a half dozen of those over I-91. You wouldn't give your wife permission to use her body for one night to save this part of New England? You're a small man, Johnny."

"Go ahead and enjoy yourself, Sandy. I guess that makes you a better person than I am. You get fucked by the country's enemy and I get fucked by the country."

I think I got across to her how much her duplicity had hurt. Tears were coming from Sandy now. She got up and whirled into the computer room. I sat dry-eyed on the couch, numb and sad and more than a little bitter. I felt so drained.

I went into Annie's room and looked at my child sleeping peacefully. If I could keep her, this trouble I was having was worth every bit of it. I went to bed. I woke up during the night. Sandy was on her side of the bed. Well, why shouldn't she be, she was my wife wasn't she? I decided maybe she was and maybe she wasn't.

I had to work in the morning so I woke at my usual time. Sandy's eyes were on me when I swung my feet to the floor. "Good morning Sandy. Will you be taking care of Annie today?"

"Yes, I will Johnny. I will inform you if there are any major changes in our lives. Nothing is too immediate. I do have to be here Saturday to help Annie find a kitty."

"Good, that is one promise I can't have broken."

"Johnny, there will be someone from the bureau here this evening. I'm not sure who it will be. I'm not even sure the District for Vermont knows anything about it. Their headquarters are in Burlington.

"Okay, arrange for my mother to keep Annie overnight. Both of them will love that. I'll catch breakfast at the diner this morning and then you won't have to get up."

"Thank you Johnny. Johnny, do you want me to make up the bed in the guest room?"

"If it is for you, no. We'll continue as we are. I don't want to upset Annie. Not until I have to, anyway."

"Okay."

"I'll see you late this afternoon." I kept my mind on my work all day. When I left work, I swung by my parents' house to say hi to Annie. She was happy that she was staying all night with Grammy. Sandy had supper on the stove and when I drove in, she put it on the table.

"Hi."

"Are you okay, Johnny?"

"I guess. What time are your people getting here?"

"About 7:00 I believe. Johnny, I don't want you to get mad, but they are your people too."

"I guess they are, now that I think about it." I began eating the pot roast dinner. "Sandy, you've come a long way with your cooking skills. This is totally awesome."

"Thank you. Johnny I really have tried to make our association work and I have gained a lot. There are just some things that I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with. Your life is so much different than mine."

"You sound like you want to leave me?"

"I don't and then again I do. We'll have to make that decision sometime soon. It will all come down to what you think is best for Annie, won't it?"

"Yes, that is the whole crux of the situation."

"Go into the living room and relax until the people from the bureau get here. I'll be in shortly after I clean up."

Sandy came in and sat down next to me. I reached for her and she slid into my arms. "Sandy, I'm sorry about the nasty things I said to you last night. I'm still bitter. I went over the line."

"Johnny, what you said did hurt terribly, but they were all true, so you don't have to apologize. Just hold me, for now." I had the feeling that I wasn't going to have Sandy in my arms like this much longer. Both of us had such diametrical opposed agendas.

It was ten minutes to seven when a car drove in. I watched from the window as four people got out and came to the door. I knew two of them. Gordon and Caitlin. Sandy, who was watching with me, said the older man was their supervisor. She didn't know who the older woman was.

"I'll let them in." Sandy got to the door before they had to ring the doorbell.

I shook Gordon's hand and extended one to Caitlin, "I meet the 'Nice Lady' again. Hello Caitlin." I was particularly pleased to see her again.

Gordon introduced me to the other two, "Johnny, this is Bill Poole, my supervisor. Also this is Betty Adams, a mediator and marriage counselor. She is also a licensed psychologist." I shook Bill's and Betty's hand.

"Please, won't you all sit down? I'll serve coffee if you wish. I made a cake if you would like some." All said that was thoughtful.

Bill began the discussion. "Johnny, Gordon has passed on to me that you are upset with Sandy about agreeing to work with the bureau in the trapping and the taking of one Abdul Aalee. Is that correct?"

"That's right."

"Why do you object?"

"Mainly because the two have a history together. The main reason you are using her is because she is willing to use her body to entice him into your clutches. This was all arranged behind my back. Since Gordon first approached me, I have been lied to repeatedly. You guys set up one marriage and then made it disappear. Then there was another and I'm beginning to wonder if that one was real too." I looked at Bill and asked, "Was it?"

"Yes, it was a real ceremony. I admit that all the paperwork hasn't been filed yet, but that is neither here nor there."

"So this was another one of those deals that is almost but not all true?"

"You could say that. Let's get beyond how you feel you have been wrongly treated. I'm here to make sure that Sandy is available. This has to go down very shortly. We have most things in place to make it happen."

"Bill, I know Sandy is going to go through with this. She has been an agent too long to refuse. For our future together, I would like one straight answer."

"Ask it."

"Did Sandy agree to go back working for the bureau before she knew what was going to be required of her?"

Bill looked at Gordon and I gathered he didn't really know. "Gordon, answer Johnny."

"Yes, she was working for the agency again before I explained what was going to be required. Why does it matter?"

"It matters because of her priorities. It tells me that the bureau is more important to her rather than being a wife to me and a mother to my daughter. It tells me that we can't possibly have a future together. So to finalize this, please don't file those marriage papers. Both she and I will be free to get on with our lives."

"That's being damned abrupt, isn't it?"

"Possibly, but let me say this, Sandy has mostly been a wonderful wife, but there have been times when I could see she wished she weren't a housewife and mother. I still care about her a lot. What will be her role with the bureau after this one project is over? Will she be shoved out into the cold again or will she have a permanent place as an agent, even if it isn't out in the field?"

"Sandy asked the same question of me when we talked last night. I didn't want the agency to lose her experience, so she has work as a handler for agents out in the field. I assure you this is a permanent placement, and in this capacity she will save the lives of some of our agents."

"Good."

Betty Adams spoke up now. "Johnny, I'd like to question you for an hour or so and after that I'd like to question Sandy for about the same length of time. This is just to verify that you both are on the same page with this."

"Okay by me. Sandy?"

"Go ahead, Johnny and talk with her. Gordon and I have some planning to do. Bill is right here to pass on what we decide." I led Betty down to the guest bedroom where it was totally private. This left the kitchen table for the others to do their planning.

When Betty was finished with me, she asked me to send Sandy in to talk with her. Bill had gone into the living room and was watching television. Gordon commented, "I take it you are some peeved with me. I'm just doing my job."

"Yes, but if you had never come to my door, I would've been happier not having than go through all this crap."

"Johnny, I know you better than that. Don't forget who is the most important to you. You will have to agree on that point."

"I guess I do. I can't imagine life without Annie in my future." Gordon went into the living room while Caitlin stayed at the kitchen table talking with me. We talked, not so much about Sandy and what I felt about my problems with the bureau, but about Annie.

Caitlin asked how Annie was going to feel when Sandy moved to Washington or to Virginia wherever her new location was to be. "Caitlin, Annie has never had the tight bond with Sandy that I hoped for. She would just as soon stay with my mother or her aunt and my niece and nephew. I even have to split her affection with my father when we are in the same room together. I am hoping when I find a caregiver for her that the two will bond."

"Is that the plan?"

"Yes, after my experience with Sandy, I feel I can tell very soon after someone new takes over whether it will work or not. If not, I'll continue searching."

"The bureau did do a great job finding Annie for you didn't they? Especially when they only had a bare-bones outline of what you were like."

"Who did the choosing?" A flush appeared on Caitlin's skin.

"Just someone in the bureau."

"Can't tell me or you would have to kill me, is that it?"

"I don't think they would go that far."

"Caitlin, you mentioned one time that you were married. Are you happy?"

"I was."

I didn't get the chance to ask Caitlin more questions because Betty and Sandy came out. Caitlin got up and went in to sit with Bill and Gordon, leaving me to listen with Sandy what Betty had to say.

"Johnny after talking with both of you, my opinion is that you like each other considerably. This puts you into the realm of being friends, but not continuing as husband and wife. The deal-breaker that stops Sandy from loving you is twofold. She could love Annie just as much if she was her aunt instead of her mother. This too she can't help.

"The other concerns your lifestyles. For several years now she has been living on the edge with the excitement it generates. Yes, she stopped for awhile when it almost killed her, but that hasn't deterred her as much as the lost excitement. She has gone from living in that environment to making meals, cleaning house, and caring for a child. The world, now that she has recovered, just moves too slowly for her."

"She must have known this before she agreed to my lifestyle."

"She did, but it is one thing to think about it and much different living it."

"I can accept that. What about me?"

"You are on the other end of the spectrum. You prefer your life to be safe and orderly. Excitement for you is in doing things well in what you are familiar with, but little more. Sandy has made demands on you sexually and that was fine up until you read her stolen email to Gordon. Love is one thing and hot animal sex is another. That email hit you right in your gut and of course lowered your self-esteem. Men who have lost their self-esteem rarely gain it back especially from the same person.

"It's too bad, because she says you are a wonderful, caring lover with the emphasis on love. You should read the email again. In that she was talking about sex. Believe me there is a difference. The big deal-breaker for you is the fact that everyone in the bureau you have been in contact with has lied to you. I agree they have, but each time it was for a separate reason at that particular moment."

I broke in, "Yes, but you think back and all that bullshit except for Annie was either for the bureau's or for Sandy's benefit."

"True, but you now have a daughter."

"You know we could go round and around on this forever and still get nowhere. You're here to give advice. Give Sandy your conclusions and the same for me."

Betty collected her thoughts. "Sandy, you should go on this Abdul exercise you have agreed to. You need the excitement to come alive again. Then if you live, you should take the job that Bill has waiting for you. I would advise that you keep away from the field exercises because if you don't Johnny will worry when you are out in the field. You could keep it from him easily because you won't be together, but he will worry just the same. You might think my saying he would worry is crazy talk, but I sense he does care for you much more than a little.

"Please make what peace you can with Annie by telling her you are leaving for some place else and tell her you will never forget her. From what you both say she should be okay with you not being here."

"Betty, what should I tell my family about Sandy leaving? They are going to ask questions."

"There is always the squashed wedding that appears to be a possibility. Or you can come up with something else. You can say it is something you and she have been working on and it came through. You'll just return to your single status. The record of Annie's adoption is solid. Sandy wasn't identified as a parent, just you. You can announce that Sandy has found employment with the government. She'll let you know her address. I'm sure you two will exchange cards and so forth on the holidays."

"It sounds like a good plan. I can sell that to my family."

"I guess my work that I came for is all done. I think Gordon has some business with you, isn't that correct, Sandy?"

"Yes, would you ask him to come out?"

Gordon came into the kitchen and looked at us. "Good, you're both calm. Johnny, you look like we can talk rationally. Sandy tells me you have an old van you are about ready to trade. I'd like to purchase it. There are some restrictions and I hope you will agree to them."

"Here we go again." I was smiling and Gordon laughed. For some reason I was calmer than I had been for several days.

"So, Johnny, what is the van worth?"

"Eight or nine hundred dollars, that's all."

"Johnny you're too honest. You're tapping into the bureau's expense account. Say we triple that. Would you be satisfied with $2,700? Of course you would, and this time I won't give anyone the chance to pinch pennies. I'll get you a check for that amount. Stipulations ... don't remove any insurance you have on it. That's just in case it gets stolen before I pick it up. Take most of the tools or whatever you use the van for out of it before Thursday afternoon. Leave your plates on it too. I think Sandy will be driving it for a couple of hours that afternoon."

"You want me to move it from my business where I keep it most of the time?"

"No, I want it kept there until Sunday morning. You might put some gas in it. The tank needs to be almost full. Let's see what else? Oh, is your business compound locked?"

"Most times unless I forget to lock it."

"You had better forget to lock it. It's a padlock, right?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'll leave a cut one on the ground. Leave the van keys under the floor mat. Sandy will be driving it for a little bit Thursday and she is the one who might be stealing it on Saturday. Oh, I guess I had better give you the keys to the cut padlock in case you are asked for them. I'll give them to you when I see you Thursday."

"This sounds dangerous and like a lot of things could go wrong."

"That's the nature of any operation. You try to think of the worst that can happen and head off the trouble by anticipating them. I guess that's about it. Try and be as normal as always. Bill, Betty and Caitlin are heading back to Washington tonight. I have a room in town. I'll see you Thursday for a few minutes when I catch up with Sandy about how day went. Johnny, I knew you were a good sensible person and I knew you would be good to work with."

He went to the living room. Bill had dropped off to sleep and had to be woken. I walked out with Caitlin. She whispered, "Johnny, you had more questions for me and I'll answer them all when I see you next."

"I'm going to see you again?"

"Before this month is out. Good night, Johnny."

I said goodnight to all and went back into the house. I said to Sandy, "You're wide awake."

"I'm always like this when an operation gets close to completion. It's the adrenalin caused by the danger and knowing anything can happen."

"What about when it's over and you are tied to a desk job?"

"I've had one before for short periods of time. I'll just live vicariously through those I'm directing. I'll know any mistake I make can lead to the agent's death. That would be worse than dying myself, I would imagine."

"Sandy, for a woman you have a healthy set of balls."

"Johnny, doesn't it excite you just a little that I am in danger?"

"Frankly, it scares the hell out of me."

"But think of the result if I'm not able to pull this off. Maybe hundreds of people will die. Even if there are no deaths, think of what this area would be like absent the dams and the bridges. I haven't asked how long Abdul has been working on this, but he has to be close to finalizing the operation. Johnny, someone has to do it. Right now I'm it."

"Okay, but why doesn't the FBI assassinate this person? They must have the resources?"

"Sure they do, but don't you know that is illegal? If Abdul fails, the terrorist organization may give up and forget all about it or they'll look for some easier target. The country is bombarded by terrorists all the time."

"Okay, okay, I just wish it weren't you."

"I understand and I really do love you for worrying about me. Johnny, snuggle me. Remember my time with you is growing short."

I took Thursday afternoon off. I was really worried. Today Sandy was going to approach Abdul and let him find out she lived in the area. I hated to think about it, but I hoped he would be thinking with his dick when he met his former terrorist partner and lover.

Sandy was subdued when she came into the house late that afternoon. "I didn't see you when I picked up the van and I didn't see you when I returned it to the lot."

"No, this was your game and I didn't want to be close enough to interfere if something went wrong. Gordon must be monitoring you and somehow watching your back."

"He was. He was closer than you could know. There was little danger to me today. We have nailed Abdul for what he is. He is a terrible braggart and it was all caught on a recording device. We will finish it up Saturday night. I have promised him I will help him in the coming days. I am supposed to meet him at dark for a night of unbridled sex like we had in the past."

"I still fear for you."

"I know you do. Johnny would you pour me a glass of wine? I need to relax. I have a tension headache."

"I should think you would. I'd like to join you. I have the same kind of headache." I couldn't relax yet. Sandy went to bed after telling Annie that Mommy wasn't feeling well. Two more days and this should be all over. The bitterness about the lies and the manipulations had left me. Now I wanted Sandy to be safe and I didn't care about anything else.

I called Todd in the morning. "Hey Todd, it's about time we had another family meeting. There are some changes coming up in my life. Can we get together on Sunday?"

"Sure, let's do it at my house this time."

"I don't think that will work. Sandy is getting Annie a kitten on Saturday. It will be a tiny one. I think we better have it here because Annie won't leave the kitten so it is my house or nothing."

"Okay, stock plenty of beer." Friday I went into work late and I came home early because I wanted to be with Sandy as much as possible. This was to relieve her from caring for Annie while she had other thoughts on her mind. I guess it wasn't necessary, because Sandy was paying more attention to Annie today than ever before.

Sandy had called two different animal shelters and there would be several kittens to choose from. Annie couldn't eat breakfast Saturday morning because she was so excited. We went to the pet store on Putney Road and purchased a small pet carrier. Finally it neared 9:00 A.M. and we drove up route 30 to the shelter. We could hear dogs with different voices howling and barking in the rear of the facility.

Annie spoke up and told them why we were there. "I want to get a kitty and I'm going to give it a good home and love it forever. Daddy and Mommy are going to show me how to care for it and brush it and it will purr for me when I do." The first kitten that was brought out for inspection was a coal black, short-haired female, with some white on the end of its tail. It also had four white feet and a heart-shaped splotch of white around its nose.

The kitten knew how to sell itself. When placed in Annie's hands, Annie sat down and the kitten cuddled in her lap and it began purring immediately. Annie wiggled her finger and the kitten pounced on it. Suddenly it jumped out of her lap, climbed her dress, went up and around in back of her neck and back down into her lap. Its tail was twitching until Annie stroked it and it began purring again.

"Daddy, can we take Tippy home now?" That was it. Annie had her kitten and she had named it already. It was now a family member. It took awhile longer to pay and receive instructions for its future medical needs and then we were home. No need to pay attention to Annie now by either Sandy or me. She was totally taken up with the kitten.

After lunch Sandy and I were sitting in the living room. "Sandy, when are you planning on moving to Washington?"

"I'll be here another week. I thought I would be leaving tomorrow, but Gordon and Bill both said I shouldn't. It's something tied in with the van. The van as you probably have guessed will be stolen tonight. It won't look good if I disappear at the same time so I have to be here just to be seen. Johnny, I'm going to miss you terribly. You've been such a sweetheart to me. I admit I have struggled to be happy here, but I am going to miss being here just the same."

"I didn't realize you were so unhappy. Well, not until the last month or so. You can change your mind again and stay. I'd be glad to have you. I could even become more aggressive in the sexual arena."

"That wouldn't work, Johnny. Don't beat yourself up over what you read in that email. You are a wonderful lover for anyone looking for a loving encounter. It's just that my demands sometimes require more than what you gave me. Feel a little sorry for me. I'm going to have to go without until I establish another partner and find someone I'm more compatible with."

"Let's get off this subject. What is your timeline tonight? You will be returning here, won't you?"

"I'm supposed to meet Abdul between 9:15 and 9:30. He claims he knows a good place to park where we can talk. I expect he will want to get intimate. I'll keep him talking as long as I can."

"You're going to have sex right in the van? That sounds uncomfortable. Why not in his motel room? It's close by."

"He won't permit it. I'm assuming that all the information he has gathered is stored there. We can't use his car, because his short-time lease ran out and he couldn't get another one."

"And again, why not? That seems like a simple enough thing to do."

"Hey, Johnny, the FBI is in town, remember? They can set up anything. I'll be safer in the van. I even put blankets on the bare floor before I came home Thursday."

"That hurts!"

"I'm sorry I said that. It was a joke. I don't plan on using them. This should be all over by that time. The blankets are just a prop."

I sat there shaking my head. "Johnny, I thought you realized this was just to catch Abdul and not for me to get screwed."

"You never said. I thought this was a job and that was one of the perks."

"No."

Neither of us wanted to continue talking or even thinking about her and Abdul together. "So what time will you be coming home?"

"Don't look for me before 11:00. It might not be before 2:00 or 3:00. These things are uncertain. I might have to call you for a ride, so please stay by the phone."

"You're putting me through hell, you know?"

"Looking at it from your perspective I guess I am. Just think, in another week you won't have me to worry about. That should be a relief."

"I won't have you beside me either." I got up and went and watched Annie play with the kitten. Sandy busied herself getting a roast for supper. She even planned an apple cobbler. When we finished supper, I asked if I should take Annie over to my mom.

"You'll never get her to leave her kitten. Have your mother come and stay in the spare bedroom. You can just say I had to go out. She'll be company for you."

"Yeah and she'll ask a million questions, too."

"Annie will be okay alone for a few minutes if I ask you to come pick me up. It won't be further than the corner on Western Avenue."

"Okay, I'll go with that."

I watched Sandy get dressed. She put on a frilly bra and panties. Over this she shrugged into a nondescript gray skirt, flowered button top, and sensible shoes. She rearranged her hair and put it up into a bun."

"Why the bun? You never wore it like that."

"I used to. Abdul is familiar with it that way. Besides, there is a reason for it. I'll tell you about it when I get home. Check to see if Annie and the kitten are asleep. I have to leave in a few minutes."

Annie was asleep with the kitten curled up beside her head. The kitten was happy and still purring. Just then I heard a vehicle pull into my driveway. Sandy came and kissed me. She paused before she opened the door and looked at me. I gave her a little wave and then she was gone.

I swear the hands on the clock were going in reverse until 11:00. I just knew that something had gone wrong and I would never see Sandy again. I would be facing all kinds of questions when Sandy's remains were found. On the other hand, if the FBI got hold of the remains, they just disappear. Two hours after midnight and I had given up hope.

The phone rang and I hated to pick it up. "Pick me up in five minutes at the end of Stockwell Drive." I was shaking so badly, I dropped the phone trying to put it down. I had thought to turn my car around so I didn't have to back out onto the street. I was down to the avenue and no Sandy. Three minutes later a vehicle went by toward town. Then I recognized my van coming up the avenue heading west. It just stopped long enough for Sandy to get out.