Chapter 90: Confession

Once I had recovered again, I began to feel guilty. Not only had I – unintentionally, but still – watched my friends being intimate, which was entirely inappropriate, but afterwards instead of consoling her when I knew she'd be upset, I couldn't even control myself for five minutes without having sex myself. Despite my total lassitude and complete lack of a spinal column, I sighed and sat up.

"Love?" Alistair sounded half asleep, and I smiled at his drowsy frown.

"I'm fine. Have a nap - I'm just going to go check on Solona."

He rolled to his side, watching me get dressed with dark eyes. "Check on her?"

"Ha, whoops, I didn't tell you the rest of the story. It wasn't make-up sex. It was ... I don't know. Solona was telling him off, and then he kissed her, and then they, well, you know ... And then she told him it didn't mean anything, that it was a mistake, and left him there. She hasn't forgiven him, not by a long shot."

"But then ... why?"

"I don't know. To say goodbye? To show off what he can't have? Because she was lonely? I'm not sure. What I do know is she isn't going to be feeling good right now."

"Want me to come with?"

"Thanks, but no. I think a little girl talk, perhaps."

"I love you."

I leaned over and kissed him, now fully dressed. "Love you too."

I snuck up to Solona's room, hoping not to be seen; I didn't want anyone prying into what had happened. I knocked on the door, and there was no response.

"Solona? It's Sierra. Can I come in?"

There was a pause, and then the door opened just a little. I went in, closing it behind me, to see a red, swollen-eyed Solona standing by the door, her hair a mess, wearing just a nighty and clinging to a blanket. She looked so vulnerable, so pitiful, that I just walked up to her and pulled her into a hug. She stiffened for a moment, then relaxed and started sobbing on my shoulder. I let her cry, rubbing her back lightly. She stuttered out apologies a couple of times until I shushed her and led her to the bed. Her arms were freezing cold, so I took the blanket from her hand and wrapped it around her, then sat down beside her.

"I know what happened. It's okay."

"You do? How do ... he told you?" Her voice skipped about two octaves up, and I briefly worried she'd shatter any nearby glass.

"No, no, of course not. I don't imagine he'll talk to anyone about that."

"Then how?"

"You don't want to know. Just trust me." She blushed, and I gathered she'd guessed that I must have seen her. "It doesn't matter. I just figured maybe you could use a friend?"

She nodded, sniffling miserably. "I don't want to be a bother..."

"Hey, it's no bother. We're friends. Sisters-in-law, even, since you're my betrothed's 'sister'." Of course, she was mine as well, being a Warden too, but we hadn't admitted that to anyone yet. "Did you know, you, Morrigan, and Leliana are the only girls I've ever been friends with? I really don't mind."

She smiled, a small sad smile, and then fell quiet. I waited for her to rage or vent, but nothing came out for a couple of minutes. I was about to ask if she wanted me to go get Leli instead, when she finally began.

"That bastard!" The exclamation was loud and sudden, and made me jump. "He got me feeling sorry for him, for Andraste's sake. I actually felt bad for being angry, for not just leaping into his arms, when he's the one who cheated. He's the one who fucked anything that moved."

"I know, Solona. I know. There's no question he's a complete moron, and you are perfectly within your rights to hate him. Just because something bad happened to him, doesn't mean he has an excuse to hurt you like that. Which just begs the question ... why? Why tonight?"

She sighed. "I was lonely. Missing basic human contact. Don't get me wrong, you're all nice, but it's not the same. I let him kiss me, and then got swept away like I always have."

I sat back quietly, waiting for the rest of the rant, trying to be a good listener instead of the one spouting off.

"I think I remember when it happened." She sat back, expression distant. "We hadn't been together long. He'd been with other people before me, I knew that; there was one guy, Karl, who I knew had feelings for him before he got transferred. There was an uproar in the tower, not that I ever heard any details, and after that he was a bit ... needy. He got paranoid about getting caught by the templars. And sometimes he'd cry, after we ... when he thought I was sleeping. I thought he missed Karl."

"I think he's always played it a bit close to the chest. If no one knows him, no one can hurt him."

She nodded. "Yes. It didn't matter to me; I loved him. He was so kind, so caring; a little possessive, which is why I assumed it would only ever be the two of us. Until it wasn't."

"What would you have done if he'd come to you and told you his plan? To escape?"

"Gone with him," she replied, without hesitation.

"And what do you think would have happened if you had?"

She laughed, a dry cackle that didn't sound at all humourous. "Oh, we'd both have been caught. Likely separated to different Circles, maybe made Tranquil ... I'm not sure even Irving could have saved us."

"And maybe that's..."

"I know." She sighed. "He's right, of course. They would have used me against him. Punished me for his crimes. And I'd have hated it - he'd have stayed for me. He wasn't meant to be caged, I don't think. In fact, it won't be long before he starts seeing the Grey Wardens as a prison too. His greatest care is his own personal freedom."

"It won't always be that way."

"No? You seem pretty sure about that."

I'd thought about this a lot, and realised that the only way to prevent Anders from starting the end of the world was to have someone else on my side. Someone who cared enough about him to want to help instead of eliminate the threat. I couldn't rely on going it alone; I could die, and then nothing would prevent Anders from merging with Justice.

"I am. He ... in the game, he makes a friend, eventually. A spirit of Justice, brought unwillingly through the veil and forced to reside in a human corpse. He develops a need, a cause, I suppose, to free all mages; Justice agrees with him, and he allows Justice to possess him, since the body he's inhabiting is decaying. They - the two of them - start a mage rebellion."

She was looking at me like I had two heads. "Anders? The healer, who's never physically hurt anyone? The one who thinks blood mages are worse than templars? The same Anders who was caught last time because he spent too long having his fun in a brothel in Denerim? Anders, who only wants 'a pretty girl, and the right to shoot lightning at fools'?"

I laughed. "Maybe it's the lightning part that pushes him over. I don't know. But you're right about him seeing the Grey Wardens as a cage. That's part of it too. And the fade spirit, Justice, when exposed to his anger, essentially turns into a demon of Vengeance, so that doesn't help either."

"The mage rebellion - it doesn't end well, does it?"

"How could it? He kills hundreds of innocents to start the rebellion. The Knight-Commander declares the Right of Annulment on the Circle even though Anders wasn't a Circle mage and admitted to the crime; there's a battle, half the mages turn to blood magic or become abominations ... and then other Circles start rising up. The templars break themselves away from the Chantry, deciding it is too lenient on mages, and start hunting down and killing mages, while the mages retreat and hole up to try to defend themselves. I don't actually know what happens in the end - that part hadn't been written yet when I left. But I can't imagine it's good..."

"I thought you ... Leliana said you told her it was a templar who caused the war."

"It was, sort of. It's a long story. The Knight Commander in Kirkwall is, well, crazy, and then she gets exposed to toxic red Lyrium and completely loses it. Starts making Harrowed mages Tranquil for tiny transgressions, allows her templars to abuse them ... it gets really ugly. A bunch of mages turn to blood magic because it's that, Tranquility, or death. What Anders does is in response to that. I've warned Greagoir about it, and I'm hoping he can find a way to do something about Meredith before it gets that bad. And I've recruited Anders early, before his next escape would have been in the game, hoping to change what will happen in the end. Also, if I have any say, Justice will never be released from the Fade. But I have realised that there are too many balls in the air right now, and if something happens to me, it'll all come crashing down."

"He doesn't know?" She looked appalled, and I flushed, feeling defensive.

"I didn't want him to have to live with thinking that's inevitable. And I didn't tell anyone else, because I didn't want them judging him for something he hasn't even done yet. I decided ... I know you're angry with him, and with good reason, but despite that I knew you might be the only person who wants to just change his future instead of killing him on the spot to make sure it never happens."

"Why don't you want to kill him? It seems like the easiest solution, for someone who has no reason to care."

"Solona, he's my friend. Even in the game, he was my friend. Underneath the rage and what Justice does to him, he's a good person, if a little misguided." She gave me a look, and I chuckled. "A lot misguided, then. But he doesn't deserve death for wanting mages to be free from abuse, free to use their powers without being treated like plague-carriers. We just need to make sure Vengeance never exists, and then perhaps he can help reform the Circles or something, instead of starting a war. And if Meredith can be removed before she can do too much harm, and maybe we can make sure she never gets the Red Lyrium, that should calm things down too."

"I just..." she trailed off, biting her lip, and then abruptly punched me in the arm. "Why did you wait so long to tell me? It would have been so much easier before we ... before I let him back in, even a little."