Chapter 62: Abandonment and Knighthood

Alistair stepped into the middle of the trampled grass, holding sword and shield in a defensive posture. I wanted to refuse; I didn't want anything to do with the bastard, and learning from him seemed impossible. But refusing would have opened it up for discussion, and I wanted that even less.

I noticed that, purposely I assumed, only Aedan and Tomas were there to witness us. We were a little bit outside of camp, where those at the fire couldn't see. I sighed and went on the offensive. I circled around Alistair, feinting a few times, testing his reflexes. He was fast; almost as fast as Tomas, and stronger to boot. I knew I couldn't afford to get hit with his shield at all.

My performance at first was lackluster; I was emotionally off-balance fighting Alistair. He didn't even try to shield bash me, but it took no effort whatsoever for him to block my attacks. Tomas and Aedan tried calling out suggestions, even taunting me and calling me feeble, trying to get my temper up, to make me get serious. It didn't work; I tried, but the more I thought about it, the less well I performed.

After a bit of this, Alistair sighed. He dropped his sword and propped his shield up against a nearby tree, then turned his vulnerable back to me, unarmed.

"Maybe you can hit me now? Give it a go, princess."

I knew in my head it was a calculated move to get under my skin; I knew it, but it still worked. Immediately my back went up, my temper now running the show, and I dropped into a more aggressive stance that Zev had demonstrated previously. I didn't hold back; it was a good thing the blades had been enchanted to be dull – a blessing from Sandal, of course – because suddenly I was furious.

I went on the attack, dropping low and aiming at his knees, spinning after an attack to begin a new one. I didn't pull my punches; the enchanted blades didn't pierce his armour, but I hit him hard, anyway, and I was leaving bruises if his surprised grunt was anything to go by. After the first few moments of me actually trying to hit him, he sprinted away and grabbed his shield. I didn't give him time to grab his sword, or to properly equip the enormous bulwark, but just kept attacking.

Put your shield down with me, will you? Turn your back? I stabbed and spun, dropped and did it again at a different height, and he was forced to use both hands on the edges of the shield to try to block my fury. I didn't even realise when any skill I possessed went out the window, and I was just stabbing uselessly at the by-now dented shield and sobbing in rage and hurt.

Alistair didn't move, didn't try to stop me; he stood there and withstood it, let me hit him as hard and as often as I needed until the anger finally fled. I realised we were alone; Aedan and Tomas had obviously opted for discretion, and gone away. My exhausted arms finally fell to my sides and I dropped the practice daggers; I staggered back, out of breath and breathless both. It turns out those are two separate things, one physical, one emotional. Who knew?

I didn't bother to wipe the tears or stop them; I looked up at my former lover, dropped my shoulders in defeat, and finally spoke directly to him.

"Why?" It was all I could think of to ask. I couldn't get the rest of the words out. Why did you break my heart, why did you walk away, what did I do to make you believe I could be that monster, why are you tormenting me now?

By the saddening of his carefully controlled expression, I could tell he heard the words I didn't say. He took a deep breath and answered.

"Insecurity. Not believing in what I had in front of me, not trusting you, but instead believing the lessons I learned in childhood. Stupidity. You name it, and the insult applies to me. And now? I just wanted the chance to say I'm sorry. And I am, Sierra. I know I will sound like the biggest idiot you can imagine, but I wasn't actually trying to break things off with you. I was so absorbed in my own stupid feelings that I didn't realise what that would look like to you, what not trusting you would do to you. And now, all I can do is be here and hope that I can somehow, eventually, undo what I did."

I turned away, speaking softly over my shoulder. "I'm not sure that's possible."

I saw him nod in my peripheral vision. "I'll be waiting. Just in case."

I walked away without another word. I went straight to my tent, crawling in and collapsing on my bedroll. I barely managed to unbuckle my chest piece before I passed out.

I didn't hear anything for the rest of the night, but my subconscious must have been listening, because when the song I'd chosen was played in the tent next to mine, it haunted my dreams. I couldn't remember the images when I woke, but the melody of Shania Twain's "It only hurts when I'm breathing" was stuck in my head.

When I opened my eyes, I expected to see Aedan's face at my dark tent flap; instead, there was light streaming in from the sun, and it wasn't dawn light, either. I sighed. I'd slept through my watch and half the morning, if the angle of the sun's rays were anything to go by.

I finally crawled out of the tent, and my eyes widened in confusion. Most of the camp was just ... missing. Leliana was sitting by the fire with Prince, singing softly to herself; Morrigan was reading from her mother's grimoire, as far away from Leliana as she could get without leaving camp. Dariel sat, trying not to look like he was listening avidly to Leli's singing. Gorim was practicing some sort of sword forms, likely trying to build up the stamina he'd lost while injured. Zevran emerged from the edge of the copse of trees nearby. And that was it. There were no tents except my own, only a few small packs, and no Grey Wardens.

Leliana looked up as I emerged, and smiled at me sympathetically.

"Don't panic, Sierra. They haven't abandoned you."

Ever eloquent, I squinted and drawled "What?" before I even had a chance to isolate the sensation in my chest when I saw everyone gone. Yep, Leliana nailed it, that's abandonment I'm feeling. How strange – I haven't felt that in years.

"Tomas felt we should let you sleep as long as you could. We know you haven't been sleeping well, these past few days. So they went ahead, they said they had to cross to the Tower and come back, and had some arrangements to make. They figured we would catch up to them before they got back from the Tower. They said they needed Alistair, Aedan, Tomas, and Wynne at the Tower, and Sten and Shale to set up and protect a camp near shore. So we waited to accompany you."

The discomfort in my chest eased, and I smiled in gratitude. Once convinced Aedan was fine, and hadn't really left me, I was actually sort of happy to be alone with the small group, no need to act okay and no ... Alistair. At least for a couple of hours, I wouldn't have to face him after the debacle the night before, wouldn't have to feel the weight of his gaze on me. I stretched and then sat by Leli, smiling in greeting at the others who'd waited with me.

I ate cold porridge and nibbled a piece of jerky; since becoming a Warden, I was a lot less picky about what I'd eat, I noticed. Once done, I quickly packed my things and got ready to go. Since no one else had a full pack, everyone distributed my things evenly among us, except Morrigan who, as usual, would be flying above us to scout.

I'd found my phone among the packs sitting outside; I tucked it into a pocket without a word. I couldn't bear to know what song Alistair had chosen to send me a message with this time; not yet, anyway.

It was a pleasant morning, and even the endless walking didn't seem quite so bad. It wasn't precisely warm, but the sun was up and took the worst of the chill out of the air, and the humidity rose the closer we got to Lake Calenhad. I thought ahead to reaching the lake, and decided I'd try to find time to really get clean before we got on a boat to Redcliffe. Though I supposed I could also requisition a bath after the boat ride.

We arrived at the lakeshore before long, and followed Morrigan's piercing cry towards a camp occupied by only Sten and Shale. The golem was quiet, as usual, but Sten actually looked a little bit happy to see us. I wondered if he was suffering from fear of abandonment too, not that I would have asked him that. I didn't want to die, after all.

We didn't know how long we would have to wait for them to come back, hopefully with Irving and Greagoir in tow; we set up camp, and Zev slipped off to do some hunting. We might be able to get supplies in the Tower or in Redcliffe, but extra meat would never be a bad thing, with now four Grey Wardens to feed. I decided to have my bath, and Leli came with; we searched along the rocky shoreline until we found a little inlet protected by a stand of trees for privacy.

The water near the shore was very shallow, and the sun directly overhead had managed to warm it, a little; it was very pleasant, sinking into the water, submerged except for nose and mouth. I washed my hair twice, revelling in the luxury, and then crawled out to a large rock, sitting naked, allowing the sun to dry me before dressing. The beautiful bard, who I was more than a touch envious of, reclined on her own rock.

We chatted amiably for a few minutes before suddenly Leliana went very still. She gestured at me to be quiet, and then pointed at the copse of trees behind us. She indicated to me she wanted me to stay put, and then silently rolled onto all fours, grabbing a dagger and her damp tunic off the ground, then snuck into the woods barefoot. I tried to stay still, pretend like I didn't know something was wrong, but it took everything that I had not to grab for my clothes and my own daggers.

And then I heard a thump, a squeal, and some cursing in Antivan. I rolled my eyes; Zevran. I should have known. I turned around to see a naked Leliana behind Zev, with her tunic wrapped around his eyes and her dagger held to his neck. I stood up and raised my eyebrow at Leli.

"It would seem we have a peeping Tom," I drawled.

Leli giggled. "He wishes. He didn't get anywhere near close enough to peep at anything."

Zev objected. "I wasn't peeping! I was ... checking on your safety, yes? The Warden would be displeased with me if something happened to you while he was away."

I tsk'd at him. "If you're going to lie, at least make it convincing, Zevran."

I knew, when I thought about it, that he hadn't actually been trying that hard; he was more capable than Leli of moving silently and in hand-to-hand combat. There's no way that we'd have known he was there, or that Leli could have overpowered him, unless he'd let it happen.

Leli asked, "So what are we going to do about him now?"

Zevran replied, "I can offer some suggestions, if you're having trouble thinking of appropriate punishments, belissima."

I chuckled. "I think a little payback, perhaps. Is that blindfold on tight, Leli?" I winked and she nodded. "Zev, Leli's still got her dagger right to your jugular. You move and she'll use it, you understand?"

Clearly nervous now, Zev stuttered. "Mia sorella? Please, I..."

"Oh, no, don't you 'sister' me, Zevran. You tried to peep; now put on your big boy pants and take your punishment."

I walked up to him, still naked, smirking at Leli. I stopped a fraction of an inch from him, going on tip-toes and leaning forward to whisper in his ear. "Your punishment, dear brother, is to have to live knowing that Leli and I were this close to you," Leli pressed up to him from behind, and I blew warmly on his ear, "both of us naked, and that you could neither see nor touch. And if it happens again, or if you don't go straight back to camp without peeking, I'll tell Aedan exactly what you were up to."