Chapter 60: Surprises

We finally stopped for supper, and I immediately claimed Tomas for more sparring. This time, Aedan watched from the sideline, mouth closed in a thin line, expression disapproving, but at least he didn't try to stop us. After a few minutes Zevran and Alistair joined him, but they instead tried to be helpful, shouting out instructions and suggestions. When I had a hard time understanding what they were trying to say, Zev would demonstrate with his daggers against Alistair with a shield. I was still embarrassed to be beaten that badly by Tomas when he wasn't even using a sword, but I was getting better at dodging the shield bashes. I wasn't quite as bruised, when we finished, though I still couldn't deny the relief I felt when Wynne healed me.

When I looked around at supper, I noted that my tent had again been set up for me, still with that forward cant that indicated the identity of my benefactor. I sighed. I knew I should have confronted him, but I just didn't want to talk about it. I finished supper, excused myself, and crawled into my tent early, heart aching.

I found my bedroll set out, my things carefully tucked into my pack, Alistair's cloak rolled up to make a pillow. On top of my bedroll was a sheet of parchment, loosely rolled, and my phone.

I put my phone aside, and decided to change before looking at the parchment. Once in a loose fitting tunic and pants, I crawled into my bedroll. It was dark – we had stolen a couple of the arcane lamps from Soldier's Peak, but not enough for everyone to have one in their tent. I rolled to the side, hoping the firelight would be enough to read by, but finally ended up using the light from my phone.

Sierra,

I know that nothing I say can ever express how sorry I am, for everything. I'm an idiot, and I've always known that, but I never thought even I would be stupid enough to hurt you like that. I understand if you can't forgive me, but I have to try. Because as much as you might not want me to be, anymore, I am yours even if you won't be mine. You said you hoped that when I met someone else she'd have better luck, but the fact is that I won't meet anyone else. I don't want to.

I want you to be happy, whatever it takes. I would like to be the one who can help you with that, but I will understand if you find someone else. I will still be here, helping in any way I can, even if that's just setting up your tent or carrying your pack, hoping to prove myself eventually.

I will say that if you do find someone else, I hope it won't be my brother. I cannot stand to think of the way he would treat you, and I'd be forced to kill him if he betrayed you.

Anyway, when Leliana was listening to music earlier, I heard a song on that little machine of yours that seemed appropriate. It's all ready to go.

I love you, always.

Forever yours,
Alistair

I wiped away the tears that fell while I read, a couple of them splashing onto the parchment. I read it several times, before finally turning my attention to the phone. When I turned it on, I just hit play without looking at what he'd chosen. A voice came blaring out of the speakers, and I rushed to turn down the volume so no one would hear what I was listening to. I realised after a few seconds that the song was "I'm Sorry" by Breeze-E, something that an online acquaintance had sent to me after discovering it on Youtube.

Memories I just can't erase, I'll do anything to see your face
What if I said that I believed in you and me
A part of me that I just can't replace, I'm lost and I was gone without a trace
I just find it hard to breathe without you near

And now I'm stuck in this maze
Cos baby you were everything, now I'm left with nothing
How could I let you go, I gotta let you know
That baby you were the best thing
And now I'm stuck in this maze
Cos baby you were everything, now I'm left with nothing
And if you didn't know baby I love you so
I wish we made this a good thing

Baby girl I wish that I didn't walk away
I wish that I could tell you I'm sorry
Cos baby I need you, baby I need you, baby I'm sorry
Baby girl I wish that I didn't walk away
I wish that I could have you here today
Cos baby I need you, baby I need you, baby I'm sorry

So baby tell me what I'm supposed to do
Is there a chance that I can get close to you
Girl I swear that I will do anything
Like a petal on a rose baby you're so beautiful
Listen girl I was foolish
What kind of man in his right mind would do this

I turned the music off and collapsed on my bedroll, bawling my eyes out. He thought he loved me, but I didn't really believe him; still, just the thought of it broke my heart all over again.

I slept poorly, crying on and off as I tried to doze. When I finally gave up on sleep, it was dawn, and weak light was filtering in through the canvas. I changed into my armour and crawled out of my tent.

Tomas was up, adding wood to the fire so he could start breakfast; I settled down beside him, and he smiled sadly at me.

"You alright?"

"No, but I will be. Eventually."

"Of that, I never had any doubt."

I grinned, and helped put the porridge on the fire. The smoke was rather thick, as all the wood was damp; I guessed it had rained at some point in the night while I fitfully slept.

"Did you get some sleep, Tomas?"

"I did. Alistair was on first watch. I took Aedan's as well as mine. I think he could benefit from some time and rest."

"It's going to be weird when we can all use your real name again. I'm more used to you as Tomas than ... you know."

He smiled. "You think it will be strange for you – I almost don't remember my real name."

"Tomas ... I want to start helping with watch. My stamina is better now, I should be able to help out."

He examined me for a few moments, and finally nodded. "Once we've established that you can sense darkspawn, I agree. Can you wait until we know for sure? I don't want us surprised if it turns out you can't."

"How long does that usually take?"

"A few days after the Joining to sense them at all, but years to get good at it. The biggest thing is to find some darkspawn for you to sense. There haven't been any up in these parts yet."

"Shouldn't I be able to sense you?" I concentrated, on what I wasn't sure, but I could feel nothing unusual.

"Not yet. The taint isn't as strong in a Warden as in a darkspawn. That will come with time."

I agreed to wait. Once the breakfast was made, I gobbled down a bowl, cleaned it out, then wandered out of camp to do my business out of sight of any of my companions. After that, I packed up my tent, and was waiting when everyone else was ready. I decided to take the lead, for once, and gathering my stuff, I took off at a brisk walk heading to the south-west, as per my compass. Tomas and Aedan always seemed to just know what direction we were heading, but I was loving the little magnetic pocket compass.

I hadn't gotten very far when Alistair caught up to me, snagging one of the packs I carried and slinging it onto his own shoulder. He didn't even speak; he just dropped back, obviously allowing my avoidance, and I let him go. At least he'd left me with one bag to carry. I balanced it across both shoulders and carried on.

I gave the phone to Leli when she asked; it was still almost fully charged, and we hadn't touched the new charger I'd brought with me the last time. She gave me a soft smile when she saw what song had been playing, and I wondered if she knew that Alistair had left it for me. She walked with me for a while, discussing my music preferences; I had everything from country music to rap to classical to Broadway show tunes. A lot of my music was pop from the 80s and 90s; when I first began collecting music, before MP3 players came out, I could only afford second-hand CDs. I developed a taste for retro music that never left. Even the recent music that I liked was often stylistically more 'retro'.

She was shocked that I knew so many songs. In Thedas, I learned, most people knew a handful of folk songs unless they were actual musicians. But having free radio, back on Earth, I knew the words and the tune to hundreds of songs, even if I couldn't exactly perform them with any skill. Leli started testing me, and no matter what song she chose off my phone, I could at least sing a little. She shook her head, amazed.

The rest of the day was the usual; walking, and more walking. A few of my companions walked with me for a while, and while I was appreciative of their company, I wasn't, as Aedan put it, bubbly. It seemed to make everyone uncomfortable; no one knew what to say. So after a while, each would drop back again, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I could feel Alistair staring at my back, and that made me uncomfortable. Without talking to him, however, I couldn't tell him to stop, so I put up with it. I knew eventually I was going to have to end my childish avoidance, but I wasn't ready. Between my residual anger, my heartache, my loneliness, and the confusion from my accidental eavesdropping and his letter, I just wasn't ready to talk to him. About anything.

After sparring with Tomas again, I curled up next to Aedan by the fire. I didn't need healing this time; I'd gotten better at avoiding Tomas' shield, though I'd still failed to land a hit. Aedan put his arm around me, and I felt better than I had in a while. I'd been afraid he would be angry with me for doing what he didn't want me to – sparring, putting myself in harm's way even though he knew Tomas wouldn't really hurt me. I enjoyed the contact, and when dinner was served, and he took his arm back, I kissed his cheek. He grinned at me in return.

After supper, I wandered out of the camp for a little while, not wanting everyone to feel awkward with me sitting there quietly. I found a little clearing with a view of the sunset, and leaned against a tree trunk to watch. I stiffened when I heard the rustle of someone approaching, but relaxed when I saw it was just Wynne. She stopped beside me and watched the sunset silently for a few moments, then settled down in the long grass expectantly.