Chapter 59: Adjustment

"I'll stay, if that's okay."

"Only if you get a bedroll or find another couch and get more comfortable. I won't have you sitting up all night."

"Yes, mother."

I stuck my tongue out again, and he laughed.

Morrigan dropped in to say hello while Aedan was away gathering things. We chatted amiably for a few minutes, and then I managed to work my way around to thanking her for her help. She was embarrassed, I think, and while she looked pleased, her face got red and she left shortly after. I shook my head, wishing I could bring Flemeth back momentarily to slap her. No one should be raised like that. Foster care was better.

I dozed for much of the afternoon, then slept all night thanks to another of Avernus' sleeping draughts. I planned to try to convince him to teach Wynne to make them before we left. In the morning, I felt better than I had in a long time. I felt refreshed, and luckily hadn't dreamt, so my energy level was quite high. Aedan, by contrast, looked tired. He'd refused to take a sleeping potion in case I needed him in the night, and I imagined the floor in my little room wasn't the best place to sleep. Between that and the worry I'd put him through, he definitely wasn't at his best. I hoped we could stay one more day, and try to get him rested before we headed out.

I walked back down to the area where everyone else was, and was welcomed warmly. I spent the day sitting with each of my companions for a while, even Shale and Dariel. I was glad to get to know the elf a little bit better; he seemed like just a nice guy, who had also grown up in less than ideal circumstances. It started me thinking, and I realised – Aedan and Gorim might have been the only two of my companions with a good childhood. Even Levi had been telling stories of a drunken, embittered father who could never get past the fact that the Drydens used to be nobles. Shale didn't remember hers, of course, and Sten thought his was fine, but I knew he'd missed out on something too.

My chat with Gorim was enlightening. Of course, we ended up talking about Riana. He missed her, it was obvious. I think he was somewhat surprised by just how much. When I apologised, he waved me off.

"It was my choice, and hers. Not yours. And honestly ... it wasn't going to work out, long-term. She was eventually going to get sick of me dreaming about Sereda, even if they were nightmares of her dying in the Deep Roads, and I was going to resent her for keeping me from knowing what happened. My guilt was eating us both alive. Of course, knowing it would have to end doesn't make it any easier."

I glanced over at Alistair, and then away. "No, it doesn't." I cleared my throat. "So tell me about Sereda."

"What do you want to know?"

"Well, what sort of person is she? I know Trian – and Harrowmont - were all about tradition. Bhelen is much more for trying to modernise, but at the cost of being a sleaze. Where did Sereda stand?"

He thought. "She was the middle child in disposition as well as birth order, I think. She recognised that things in Orzammar needed to change or we were going to be in trouble, but she also didn't think that just allowing the casteless to work and surfacers to return home was going to make sense. Most of the casteless can't even read, and fewer can fight – what sort of work would they be suitable for? What about the criminals? And the current members of each caste would never be okay with a brand stealing their business. It would start a civil war. She thought that there needed to be a plan in place to educate and train the casteless, give them some skills first and then allow them to work. And she thought that any child of a cross-caste union should be enough to elevate the caste of the lower-caste parent, not just a same sex child. She thought Orzammar needed a big boost to its birth rate, and encouraging breeding through trying to improve one's caste has always worked in Orzammar, but this would open it up more. She even talked about incentives for cross-caste marriage. Like paying a dowry for casteless women, for example."

I thought about it, and it made sense. In Earth history, whenever slaves were freed, there was always an increase in social disorder for a while, because there were often more slaves than masters, and that many uneducated, unskilled citizens with nothing to do could wreak havoc on a society and an economy. Someone needed to feed the former slaves, and someone still needed to do the work, and it took a few decades for that to work itself out. If the dwarves did it more slowly, it might improve things. It was worth a shot, anyway. Bhelen's plan to just 'free the casteless' had never made sense to me.

"So, say she had to choose between Bhelen and Harrowmont, who would she pick?"

He didn't even hesitate. "Bhelen."

"Really? But ... he killed Trian, and maybe even Endrin; he had her exiled. Would it be just the blood she'd want to keep going? Maintain the Aeducan name?"

"Actually, she'd have been reluctant to admit it, but she'd have been proud of him getting her exiled. I'd never have thought Bhelen capable of it. But dwarven politics are cut-throat, and she knew that – she'd have taken his betrayal as a sign he was ready to take part in the game. She'd be less understanding about Trian and Endrin, but ... if the choice was stagnation, or Bhelen? She'd take Bhelen." His expression was decidedly sour.

"And you?"

"Harrowmont. I understand why Sereda would feel that way, but if our King has no honour, then what exactly would be the point? She would make fun of me for that, I know. Honour is less than useless if your society dies out, I suppose."

"I'd have to agree with her there." I thought I just might like Sereda, if we ever found her.

Morrigan had taken to making scathing remarks at Alistair, reminiscent of the game, and after the fiftieth time she'd implied he was stupid, I'd had enough. He wasn't even trying to defend himself, and it was too pathetic to listen to anymore. I finally had to drag her aside and talk about it.

"Look, I'm flattered that you're angry with him on my behalf. But really, please, just knock it off. He's not stupid. Leave him be."

"What gives you the idea he is not? He brought this upon himself."

"Like I said. I'm pleased we're friends enough for you to be so clearly on my side. I'm angry with him too. But being nasty isn't helping. It makes me want to defend him, and then I realise I don't want to defend him, and then I get all tied up in knots thinking about it. I'd rather not think about it, if it's all the same to you. So please. Give it a rest."

She sighed. "Fine. I'll just go back to avoiding him." Her expression said she was contemplating setting him on fire.

"I think avoidance would work, yes."

Leliana, Zev, and Wynne were far more interested in talking about me and my former love life, than anything else. I didn't linger long – it hurt too much, and I had no desire to dredge it all up. I assured them all that I was fine.

It was a lie, and we all knew it.

I couldn't mention that he'd spent the other night holding me. I still didn't know what to think of that. Was it guilt? Did he feel responsible for me Joining? Morrigan had blamed him for me going through with it. We'd avoided talking since then, and I had no plans to change that anytime soon. I just didn't not know how to handle the storm of emotions inside me. Between anger, and hurt, and sadness, and loneliness, and guilt I didn't even know where to start. Avoiding him just seemed better.

Aedan had gone back to bed, and everyone else seemed to be trying to pretend nothing had happened, and that we weren't all acting strangely. I was oddly grateful.

Tomas informed us of a change of plans. He decided that we would leave the following day, but instead of heading to Orzammar directly, we were making a side trip to Redcliffe first. He thought that it would only add about two weeks to our travel, including a few days spent in Redcliffe, if we were willing to hike cross-country down to the Circle Tower. From there we could take a boat across Lake Calenhad to Redcliffe. He'd coerced Avernus into giving him much of the Keep's supply of Archdemon blood, and had him write down the ritual required to assemble the new and improved potion. He wanted to swing back and pick up Solona, as well as recruit Jowan. I almost giggled as everyone looked to Aedan for confirmation before agreeing. Even Tomas had a wry smile, and I winked at him when he looked at me.

He again asked Dariel to think about whether he'd like to Join, and gave him until we arrived in Redcliffe to decide. Dariel asked some pointed questions, which Tomas refused to answer; I still thought keeping so many secrets was a poor recruiting strategy. Once we'd proven the decreased death rate with the new Joining formula, I planned to try to talk Tomas into being more open about it. The only secret needed would be that a Grey Warden would perish to slay the Archdemon – but I hoped to convince him to at least tell Cailan – or rather, Theron that. We didn't need the idiot looking for glory again trying to slay the Archdemon personally.

The evening was quiet and we all turned in early. I slept alone, and actually managed to sleep. In the morning, after packing up, we bid goodbye to Avernus and left the Keep. Levi was coming with us to the base of the pass, then planned to get word to his family and bring them up to start getting things organised. Aedan had surreptitiously slipped the man some money to find a couple of extra servants and some furnishings so things would be more comfortable the next time we returned. I would be happy if they just dusted the place.

Without mentioning it, Alistair took my pack like he used to, and just walked off. I stared after him for a few moments, uncertain what to think. But then it occurred to me: guilt. He figured I wouldn't be able to keep up if I had to carry my pack, and felt guilty that our break-up would slow the group down. I followed behind, feeling a little more despondent, if anything.

The hike down the pass was interesting – it led through a bunch of tunnels, like Levi had said, and it was a bit of a rat's maze. No wonder the demon had to help Levi find the way. The group had the foresight to make a mark at every intersection with some charcoal, but it was clear a more permanent way of marking the correct path would be needed.