Chapter 58: Architect of my Own Future

I locked gazes with Alistair, his expression horrified; I raised the chalice to my lips, tilted back my head, and drank.

Pain was all I could think about; it took over my mind, blowing away my identity, my sanity, my everything in its wake. And then I dreamt. I could see darkspawn; dozens, hundreds, a whole horde of them, marching. I saw a dragon, enormous, purple, and malevolent, breathing purple flames. I heard murmuring, like a whole lot of people were talking too quietly to hear the words. Then I could hear some sort of music floating over it all, a faint melody and a rhythm that matched that of the murmuring, hauntingly lovely, teasing me.

The next thing I knew, it was quiet, and I was dreaming of somewhere dark. A small, dim light flared, and by the wavering illumination of a single candle, I could see a lone darkspawn. It was an Emissary, that much was clear by the once ornate headdress and the tattered robes, but it was a good deal less revolting looking than its brethren. Its face was almost human, though looking slightly melted, but its skin was grey and mottled, like the rest of the darkspawn. It had long, bony fingers tipped with black claws. It was sitting, which seemed strange, in an armchair, with a book in its lap. I stared at it for a moment in confusion, before it looked up. Our gazes locked, and it felt like I was zapped with a bolt of electricity. By the way it jerked in the chair, it felt the same connection.

It stared at me for a few moments in turn, and then finally spoke. "Well isn't this interesting. You are not supposed to be here. I sent you away, did I not? Far, far away. And yet, here you are."

I tried to speak, but couldn't. Talking darkspawn? Son of a...

It continued. "No matter now; my reasons for wanting you gone have passed, but it is curious indeed that you found your way back here. Perhaps some visions cannot be changed."

It seemed to sigh, and then with a wave of its corrupted, spindly arm, my sight went dark.

I opened my eyes to see my hospital room. My doctor was standing over me, looking haggard. Two nurses who looked terrified stood at his side. He noticed my open eyes, and leaned down to look into them. I tried to move, to sit up, but I couldn't even feel my body, never mind move it.

"Seizures again?" He sounded so disappointed in me.

I tried to shrug, to respond, but couldn't. All I could do, as my eyes drifted shut again, was think. Sorry...

I couldn't see, but suddenly I could feel again. I could feel my throat burning, my mouth dry and vile-tasting. I could feel my head pounding, my muscles tensing rhythmically. One arm ached, and I could feel the cold stone floor beneath me as I flopped around.

And then sound returned, and I could hear. There was a voice, one that seemed familiar, but it took a bit of struggle to swim through the haze and be able to make sense of the words I was hearing.

" ... Why do you think, simpleton? She did it for you." The voice was higher pitched than normal, but I finally placed it. Morrigan. I felt ridiculously proud of that accomplishment. "She wanted you to be able to have a life. A delay in your Calling, whatever that is. A return of fertility so that someday you might breed little bastard princes to carry on your precious line. And thanks to you, I must maintain this damnable ward instead of being able to check on her." Her tone sounded worried, almost cracking on the last words. I hoped she was okay.

Someone else said something, and I wasn't able to make out the words; they came from further away, and I could feel the rumble of them more than hear them.

"I must have your word that you will allow the mage to live. I promised her. Give me your word that he will survive, and I will drop the barrier."

More rumbling, and then I felt a soft hand on my forehead, and breath against my cheek. "She lives." I felt Morrigan's magic flare, and something warm travelled through me. "I cannot do anything for her."

I finally identified Aedan's voice. "But why is she convulsing? That didn't happen to me, did it?"

I felt a steady pressure on the sides of my head, and the pounding receded a little. "I've never seen this before, and I've witnessed dozens of Joinings. Morrigan, please, we must see Avernus. We must know what he has done. Obviously something is wrong." That was Duncan. No, Tomas. I remember now.

"He said he did not know anything about this. You heard him. And he has his own ward up now, I cannot do anything about that."

"So what do we do?" Aedan sounded frantic.

"We wait." Tomas' voice was thick with some sort of emotion. I wanted to comfort them, but I couldn't move.

"If she wakes up, I'm going to kill her," Aedan swore. "She had no reason, and no right. I'll strangle her with my own hands."

Alistair spoke. "Um, from someone who's done something rash lately, can I suggest you wait and talk to her first? Maybe she had her reasons. Just because she didn't tell you doesn't mean there isn't an explanation. Assuming she wakes up, that is."

I felt an entirely unwanted warmth towards Alistair in that moment.

"What about Wynne? Could she help?"

"We must not tell her. It's bad enough Morrigan knows as much as she does. People are not supposed to know how dangerous the Joining is." Tomas sounded pained. I hoped he wouldn't get it into his head to try to kill Morrigan – or recruit her.

Morrigan spoke. "Sierra said ... that one of the things Avernus was changing would save lives. I am guessing now that she meant the number who would die during the Joining. I believe she may have motivated him to find a way to make it safer."

"You said something about that before. What all did she have him change?"

"I do not entirely know; she only involved me to help with one component, which was to decrease Grey Warden infertility. She said she thought if Grey Wardens could have families, children, that it would be less of a burden, and recruiting would be easier. I assume the same can be said for fewer deaths during the Joining."

Alistair's voice finally joined the conversation. "She's always trying to help. It's ... I'm an idiot."

Aedan laughed sarcastically. "You're just realising that now?"

"That's enough. Now isn't the time." Tomas sounded like a strict parent. I'd have grinned if I had any control over my face. "I don't ... Aedan, Alistair, could you go over there for a moment?" There was a brief pause. I got a mental image of Aedan giving Tomas a dirty look. "Just for one moment. Not even out of line of sight. Please."

I heard footsteps, and then another pause. "That's ... strange."

"What is it?" Aedan asked from across the room.

"Stay there. I'm coming over. Morrigan, would you stay with her, please?"

More footsteps. "How many Grey Wardens can you sense in this room? Both of you."

Another pause, and then Aedan answered. "I can feel Avernus over there somewhere, you, and Alistair."

"Alistair?"

"Same. Avernus, you, and Aedan."

"Exactly. We cannot sense Sierra."

"Should we be able to already?" Aedan sounded even more worried.

"I could sense you from about five seconds after you swallowed," said Alistair.

"What does that mean?"

I heard footsteps as they came towards me again. It felt like I was flopping less, and the pain was finally receding.

"I have no idea. Except for one thing. We cannot tell anyone, and I mean no one, that she is a Grey Warden."

"Why not?" Alistair sounded offended.

"Because Weisshaupt will want to study her. To understand why she does not seem to bear the taint. They will become too interested in her origin. They have the authority and the ability to take her away and never let her leave. Believe me." Tomas sounded bitter and I knew he was thinking of Fiona. "I must have your word. All of you. And we will convince her when she wakes."

The three agreed. Tomas said he'd speak to Avernus later. I'd stopped seizing, if the lack of flopping sensation was anything to go by. They tried to decide what to do with me. Morrigan told them about the room I'd slept in before with the little couch, and the next thing I knew, someone had lifted me. I could tell by how he cradled me it was Alistair – it felt as it always did when he carried me, and even in my confused half-asleep state, I was briefly nostalgic before the heartache came crashing back down on me.

My head was clearing and thinking seemed easier, but I still had no control over my body. I expected to be placed on the couch, but instead Alistair sat down and kept me in his lap. I felt hot, and nauseous, and cranky.

"She's sweating a lot, Tomas. I think she has a fever."

Aedan volunteered, "I'll go get some water and get some of her clothes for when she wakes." The door creaked, and he was gone.

Tomas said, "As much as possible, we must act as though nothing is wrong. No one can suspect. I think we should all go back to the others and go about our day; if anyone asks, just say Sierra is spending her day with Avernus."

"I'm not leaving her." Alistair briefly held me closer to his chest.

"Fine. But the rest of us must go."

There was a bunch more footsteps, and then quiet. After a few minutes, the door creaked again and Aedan was back, briefly. Alistair shifted me, then brought a cool, damp washcloth to my face and gently began wiping it, ridding me of the sweat I could feel on my cheeks and forehead. Aedan left again, and all was silence. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.

I dreamt of darkspawn again; this time it was the horde, not the lone talking darkspawn. I woke with a start and realised that I was still in Alistair's arms. I concentrated and managed to open my eyes briefly. The room was dim, but I could just see his face.