Chapter 56: Throwing Punches

"What makes you think there wouldn't be a supply of Archdemon blood here?"

I stopped, mouth agape. In the game you had so few dialogue options, but it never even occurred to me that Avernus would have the supplies for the Joining.

He continued. "Of course, it is downstairs somewhere. Hidden, obviously, but there are quite a few demons between it and us. We will have to wait until your friends can clear out the levels below."

At that I sputtered, "You want to do it right away? Don't you need to do the research first, figure out how to improve the formula? I suppose it's selfish, but I'd like to use the improved one on myself. I'd rather not die in the Joining."

His smirk was ... annoying. "I have already done the research. I improved the failure rate of the formula long ago – I don't know the numbers for certain, but I think the death rate should be less than ten percent. And the Calling will be easy – the ritual I have been using to delay my own will easily translate. The fertility issue is new – I'd never thought very hard about it – but I'm sure a few days of reading and I will have it figured out."

"You bastard! You already had two out of three of my demands met?"

His expression was still smug; I had the desire to punch him, and probably would have if I hadn't been leaking blood from my dominant arm. "I am afraid so. I didn't think just the fertility issue would be enough for you to go through the Joining. But now you have given your word."

"How do you know I won't just call it off? You negotiated in bad faith, I'd say our contract is well and truly void."

He examined my face for a moment. "You could, but you won't. You gave your word, and you won't break it. You are not like me."

He had me, and he knew it. I could have claimed the deal invalid, but the minute he compared me to himself... Damn you, Avernus. I hate you right now.

I slumped in defeat and waited until the blood finished draining. I wondered how he managed to keep the blood flowing – shouldn't the small wound have closed by now? – but then it occurred to me he had probably enchanted the dagger. Or coated it with something. Clotting would be very inconvenient for a blood mage if it happened at the wrong time.

I started to feel a bit woozy, so Avernus cast a small healing spell and then helped me lie down. I fell almost instantly asleep, which was a nice change.

The following day I felt much better, so after another vile concoction he did it again. He swore the potion would ensure I'd recouped enough, and I didn't feel lightheaded anymore, so I went along with it. He spent the rest of the day researching fertility stuff, and I spent it reading his earlier journals, where he detailed reducing the death rate of the formula. Too bad I hadn't read them yesterday!

I was both nervous and eager to see everyone. I wanted my armour back – my jeans had started to feel weird, after so many months in Fereldan clothing and armour – and I needed my brother. I wanted a hug, and I wasn't about to ask Avernus! I even wanted to see Alistair, though I had no idea how that was going to go. I'd thought long and hard about that, and come to no conclusions other than waiting to see what he did, first.

After much thought, I decided not to tell anyone about my deal with Avernus. I knew Aedan would lose it and try to prevent me from taking the Joining, and might even kill Avernus. Tomas would try to talk me out of it though I didn't think he'd actually refuse a volunteer, and everyone else might find out Grey Warden secrets they weren't supposed to know during the course of the shouting matches. They wouldn't be able to change my mind, and it was drama I just didn't need. I warned Avernus to keep his mouth shut on the subject as well, and he agreed.

When we met for supper, he told me he was having difficulty figuring out the fertility component to my demands. He said he just didn't know any fertility rituals, and had few books about them at the Keep. I immediately thought of Morrigan – given her plan to conceive the child of a Grey Warden, if anyone knew anything about fertility rituals, it would likely be her. I mentioned I had an apostate friend who might be able to help, and he was quite pleased at the possibility. I realised I trusted Morrigan with my secret Joining plan – she wouldn't judge, and wouldn't tattle.

At supper, when I complained about difficulty sleeping, Avernus offered me a sleeping draught of some sort. I accepted it, but stared at it suspiciously for a long time before finally deciding that he wouldn't poison me before my Joining. I drank it all in one foul swallow, curled up on my couch, and promptly feel into a deep, dreamless sleep.

I felt well refreshed in the morning, not groggy at all; Avernus could have made a fortune on Earth with that sleeping medicine! I was impatient for everyone to arrive, and I went out onto the rooftop garden hoping to be able to see the party when they approached. My impatience was rewarded, because it wasn't an hour later when I saw a group of tiny figures moving out in the courtyard. I hoped Aedan had read my notes on the undead, but couldn't really see what was happening that far away. I tried shouting to attract attention, but the only thing I succeeded in doing was pissing off Avernus.

He grumbled as he walked out onto the roof. "They can't hear you from there, traveller. You'd have a better chance of attracting the demons than your friends from this distance."

"Alright, let's go down and meet them."

"Are you mad? There are demons down there."

"Yeah, that you summoned! Open the damn ward, Avernus. We need to help them."

He looked at me like I had a third head. I had a brief, inappropriate internal discussion about extra heads being the unfortunate side effect of the sleeping draught before he interrupted my train of thought.

"There are what, eight of them? Ten? Well-armed, experienced in combat, yes?"

I did a quick head count. "Twelve, I think, actually. Thirteen if you count Levi."

"And we are two. You are unarmed, unarmoured, and even if you had weapons, you have only been wielding them for a few months at the most. And I can't use my most effective spells – any more blood magic down there, and I'll tear the veil so badly it will never close. We wait for them to come to us. They know I'm up here, yes? They will get here eventually."

I sighed, frustrated. He was right, and that pissed me off; I wanted to get down there and see my brother. When I lost sight of the small group in the courtyard, I went in, deciding to wait immediately inside the warded door. I grabbed a book and dragged a chair over, sitting down to fret and pretend to read.

The day dragged on painfully, with Avernus locking himself back in the laboratory to do research, presumably on fertility, so I sat alone, then paced alone, then sat some more. We had supper, finally, by which time my nerves were shot. Avernus finally settled down nearby on a chair in the 'library', and I thought he was possibly being empathetic and trying to help, which was odd. Or maybe he's just curious, and as impatient as I am.

It was late, and dark out, when we heard sounds of fighting filtering through the wall between us and the Commander's Office where demon-Sophia waited. Once he thought she was dead, Avernus lowered the ward keeping them out. I stood anxiously, and finally the door slowly creaked open.

Alistair entered first, with Sten and Shale on his heels, and then everyone else filed in behind. I'd thought the room was a good size, but it felt positively crowded with thirteen people, a golem, and a mabari. I laughed in relief when I saw my brother enter, brown hair sticking out from his helmet in clumps.

When Alistair spotted me, he stopped with an oath, causing a chain reaction leading to Aedan walking face first into Sten's armoured shoulder. After a few choice curses, Aedan noticed me with a gasp. The whole group looked dumbfounded for a moment, but eventually smiles broke out.

Except for Alistair. He reached up and pulled his helmet off, dropping it without even looking at where it landed. He walked over to me, slowly, hands up in a placating gesture. He reached out to grab my hand, and I let him, though the urge to bolt was strong. He tried to meet my gaze, but I kept averting my eyes, and he eventually gave up.

I could see Morrigan behind him, shooting me what I could have sworn was a sympathetic look; Aedan's eyes were dark and he looked about to murder Alistair.

Alistair spoke, his voice low but loud enough for everyone to hear. "I'm sorry, Sierra. We need to talk about what happened, but I don't think this is the time. I just wanted to apologise, first. Can we talk about this later?"

I glanced up at him once, noting a rather puffy, inflamed black eye, before looking away and stepping back.

"No." I pulled my hand out of his grasp, edging around the templar. I made it to the group behind him, and found myself welcomed into a space behind Morrigan and beside Aedan. My brother put his arm around me, and Morrigan reached back, allowing me to grip her hand. My eyes filled with tears that I tried to wipe away angrily before they could spill.

"No? Sierra..." He looked at where I stood, confusion and hurt clear in his expression.

"No, Alistair. I'm not okay. You don't get to just ... do that, and then say sorry and think that I would just forget it happened."

"I just want to fix things. Please? I need you."

"You should have thought about that when you asked me if I was a monster and then walked away."

Aedan's arm tightened, and I was grateful for the support, but also for his silence. For everyone's silence. I was suddenly, finally done with being feeble, with needing to be protected. And my little family were letting me fight my own battle. I felt Tomas' hand on my shoulder, but still no one else spoke.

"I spoke rashly. I should have ... well, anything but that. I was upset, but that's no excuse."

"At least you're aware of that much." My tone was icy, and part of me cringed inside; his puppy dog eyes were sad and puzzled and hurt, and his bottom lip stuck out just slightly in a pout. He seemed almost dazed, and I wondered if he had expected me to just fall into his arms after an apology. It had been pretty clear to me that he had broken it off with me, and then he was surprised? When I had decided to wait and see what he would do, I had assumed he would either be angry still, or just avoid me. I had no idea how to react to this.

I hardened my heart and turned away from him. I couldn't deal with him any more at the moment.

"We have bigger things to talk about right now. This is Avernus. Aedan, Alistair, and Tomas," I pointed to each man in turn, "are the Grey Wardens. The rest of these people are their companions, and we can make formal introductions later." I turned to Aedan. "I believe Avernus said that it wouldn't be safe to sleep without repairing the tear in the veil first, otherwise this place is going to fill back up again. I know you guys must be exhausted, but can we take care of the veil and then find somewhere to sleep? We can make a plan tomorrow."

Everyone reluctantly agreed; fighting a keep full of demons and undead a second time didn't appeal to anyone, really. Aedan handed me a pack with my gear, and I snuck into the little room I'd been sleeping in to change into my leathers. Leli helped, but after an obvious look at the thin door between us and the main room, we didn't speak. It felt good to have my daggers on my hips again.