Chapter 54: About Face

The rest of the afternoon was a nightmare. Somehow, the blow to my happiness had also been a blow to my stamina, and I felt bone tired despite adequate rest. I kept up with the group, but it wasn't an easy thing. I didn't talk, didn't look around, just put everything I had into putting one foot in front of the other. Tomas, Leli, Aedan, and even Morrigan had tried to bring me out of my shell, but I just didn't have the energy to respond. I stowed my gear on Bodahn's cart; usually I carried it, trying to build up my strength, but it just wasn't worth it.

Leliana had borrowed my phone again, and was listening to music; every sad song that played brought tears to my eyes, and given how lonely I'd been before coming to Thedas, I had a lot of sad songs on my playlist.

When it was time to make camp, instead of setting up our tent as usual, Alistair approached me, expression unreadable, and asked to talk to me. We went off a little ways, close enough to hear shouting in case we got into trouble, but far enough to have a bit of privacy. I sat on a fallen log, worrying; Alistair paced in front of me, which I didn't see as a good sign. I waited for him to start, but as time passed and he just kept pacing, I finally got antsy.

"Love? Please sit down and talk to me. Please."

He flinched, and stopped pacing, but he didn't sit. Finally he spoke.

"You knew what it would take to make me like you."

"I don't understand, Alistair. What does that mean? I knew that you were a good person with a strong moral compass and that you wouldn't agree with doing things that were evil ... what does that have to do with anything? I haven't even been the one making the decisions. I don't know what you're getting at."

He knelt down in from of me, putting us at the same eye-level, his movements jerky and almost violent. I was startled, briefly, but then immediately felt silly. This was Alistair. He'd never hurt me.

"In the game, if the Warden was male, who did I have a relationship with?"

"What? No one. It didn't show you with anyone, unless I forced you to marry Anora. Not even months after the blight ended."

"And just how am I supposed to know that?"

"I don't even know how to take that. I'd normally say 'trust me', but I'm guessing that's what this is all about."

"How am I supposed to trust you? You knew what would work on me, get me to want to be with you. You manipulated my feelings. Said the right things at the right time to ensure I was interested in you. Who was I supposed to be with? Who was I supposed to fall in love with? You changed things when you came here. How do I believe that one of those things wasn't making me love you?"

I was utterly and completely shocked. I couldn't even speak. My mouth opened and closed a number of times like a fish while I scrambled to figure out how to use my voice again, never mind actually figure out what I was going to say. He thought I used my knowledge from a previous – fake – relationship to ensure he'd fall for me. I hoped he was joking, but one look at his scowling face and I knew he wasn't.

I tried to be reasonable. He's shocked, he's upset ... he doesn't know what he's saying. I hope. "Alistair, why would I do that?" I reached up to touch his handsome face, and he pulled away with a sneer. I couldn't keep the hurt out of my voice. "You're right in that I wanted you to love me, but it was because I loved you. What possible ulterior motive could I have? I don't understand."

"I don't know. I just don't. Maybe you just wanted to not be alone. Maybe you thought I'd be a good protector. Maybe you thought I was gullible enough not to question it, and there's something else you're looking for. You said yourself that I'm heir to the throne, now. Who knows what you might be after?"

"What? Think, man! If I was only with you to get access to the monarch of Ferelden, why would I have saved Cailan? And if I did, why wouldn't I just have taken him up on his offer? He'd have made me his mistress, and if I'm as good a manipulator as that, I could have become his wife, don't you think? Especially with all I know about Anora. And I don't need a protector, thank you. I think I can manage quite fine on my own – you're the one everyone is trying to kill. If I stayed away from you, I wouldn't be in any danger. And if I did need protecting, I have a brother who is more than willing to oblige. I tried to avoid you – Maker knows I tried – would I have done that if I was trying to get close to you?"

"Playing hard to get, maybe? A strategy you knew would work from your Maker-forsaken game?"

My voice cracked in despair. "Do you really think me capable of that? Of violating your trust, abusing your affection for some sick personal gain? Am I really such a monster?"

He stood, turning away from me. "I don't know. Are you?" He looked back for one moment, and the disgust written all over his face was agonising. The expression burned itself into my brain, and I sobbed, once, in abject misery.

He walked away, and I felt my heart rip to pieces as I watched him go. Did he ever really love me? Someone who loved me wouldn't believe me capable of that, would they?

I broke down sobbing, dropping my face into my hands. When I thought of the way he looked at me, the way he avoided my touch ... I realised that whatever I thought I'd had, I was mistaken. I'd given my heart, my soul, and my body to him, and he just walked away. I felt violated, dirty. Even though I was sure I hadn't done anything wrong, I was ashamed. I spent a few minutes thinking back over our interactions since the time we'd met, trying to decide if I'd ever used game knowledge to manipulate him. I had used some of the lines from the game, but they were the ones that resonated most strongly with me, it hadn't been calculated. Half of them had been his, because I loved his sense of humour.

I'd tried so hard to stay away from him. I hadn't hoped for the future, hadn't even considered it, until he showed me what might have been, and then ripped it away. I'd never missed hope, because I hadn't known I was missing it; now it left a gaping void in my soul. I'd heard the term 'sucking chest wound' before, back on Earth; I had no idea what it meant, really, but the description matched the pain in my chest as I sat there, sobbing, watching all of the sandcastles I'd built out of hope crumble.

I cried myself out, until my throat was raw and my sleeves soaked with tears. Finally I leaned back, trying to draw a deeper breath through my ragged lungs, attempting to pull myself back together. Regardless of what happened with Alistair and me, we had to work together to end the blight. I wasn't going to leave my brother, or doom Ferelden out of spite; I had to manage this until the Archdemon was dead. And then I could give my notes on the events of Awakenings and DA2 to whoever survived, and go away. Find somewhere to hide, and live out the rest of my life. Aedan would help me, I was sure, or perhaps I could go with Leliana and travel.

I started to rationalise it to myself. This was probably better. Wynne wasn't wrong in thinking love was a distraction. And I'd been right when I thought that Alistair would need a noblewoman to try to have babies with, as heir to the throne. He couldn't be tied to some crazy non-Fereldan. We'd both been fooling ourselves to think that we ever had a chance. It was better that we came to terms with that now, and avoided any future problems.

The thought didn't stop the trickle of tears from resuming. "This is better," I muttered to myself under my breath. If I said it enough, maybe I would believe it, eventually.

I heard a rustling, and I jumped up, alarmed, as I saw a flash of grey fur through the trees. I unsheathed my daggers and was about to scream for help when an enormous grey wolf with amber eyes approached me. I sighed in relief and flopped back down onto the log.

"Hello, Morrigan."

Another rustle, and in place of the wolf was the beautiful witch. She smiled at me, but instead of the smirk I expected, it was surprisingly sympathetic.

"Hello, Sierra." She sat down nearby, watching my face curiously.

I wiped away the tears making tracks on my cheeks. "I suppose you heard all of that, then?" She nodded, wincing. "Wonderful. Listen, if you could not tell everyone all the details, I'd be grateful. We need to still be able to work together, and I don't think that will be possible if Aedan kills him."

"I will not tell anyone, Sierra. I knew he was an imbecile, but I never dreamed he would do something this stupid."

I looked down. "It's better this way. I realise that now."

Her tone was puzzled. "Better for who? For you, who is sitting there with your bleeding heart on display? For him, who has just walked away from the only good thing he ever had? I am not exactly a romantic, but even I could see how much you needed each other. For what it is worth, I am truly sorry, my friend."

I sighed. "Thanks. Listen, I think I might like to be alone for a while. Would you do me a favour, and make sure Aedan and everyone stays away? Tell them not to wait up for me. I just need to think."

"As you wish." She stood, brushing off her skirt and taking a couple of steps. "If you wish to talk, I will be nearby."

"Thanks, Morrigan."

She shifted into the wolf again, giving me a mournful look before loping off into the woods. I sat, alone, trying not to think, letting the tears come, and mourning my happy ending. I stayed there until it was dark, finally heading back to camp because I was cold. I'd taken off the rose pendant Alistair had given me, playing with it absentmindedly; I resolved to give it back to him. Perhaps he could sell it, get his money back. I held it in my palm, the chain curled around the silver shape, and entered camp. Everyone had gone to bed, it seemed; Shale was on the far side, ever watchful, and she nodded at me, but no one else was out.