Chapter 183: *Overload

It was hard to even think it; I’d hoped, sure, but the confirmation I’d received that I was Elissa Cousland was much more than I’d ever expected to get. The Chancellor and every nurse recognised me as though they’d seen me just yesterday. Surely I couldn’t look so much like her, and not actually be her?

I’d missed something Cylie said, and finally looked up in time to see the two nurses step out into the hallway with Fergus in tow.

I looked at Alistair in confusion, and he smiled softly at me. “She’s suggested that the nurses tell Teyrn Fergus about some identifying marks Elissa had, and then we can check if you have them.”

I blushed. “I’m not taking off my clothes. I don’t care what he thinks.”

Cylie laughed, startled. “Not that. I was thinking your tattoo – assuming you do have one?”

I nodded, thinking about the dress I was wearing and wondering if I could expose the tattoo without taking the whole thing off.

I was distracted from my musing by Aedan, who wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me in for a hug. I could feel him trembling just as much as I was.

“This is...” He gestured around the room, his eyes wide.

I nodded. “Surreal. Very.” We clung together for another minute, separating when Fergus stepped back inside with the two nurses behind him.

“Do you have a tattoo, princess?” His face was pinched so hard it looked painful. If anyone else was surprised by his tone or obvious sarcastic nickname, they kept it to themselves. Except Aedan, who tightened his arm around me until it hurt.

I pushed away from my brother, nodding. I turned my back to Alistair, and he stepped up behind me to undo the laces of my dress. “Are you sure?” he whispered, quietly enough I knew no one else could hear. “You don’t have to do this.”

I didn’t respond, and after a brief hesitation, the dress fell loose around my chest, exposing my back. My breast band would block part of the image, I knew, and I nodded once, firmly, at Alistair. He sighed softly and untied it.

Keeping my arms crossed in front of me to hold the dress in place, I turned slowly so that Fergus and Cylie could see my tattoo. I’d gotten it back after we’d found Andraste’s Ashes – Zevran had drawn it for me, and it had taken hours – and the only person in the room who’d never seen it was Fergus.

The two nurses exclaimed when they saw it. “Yes!” one said. “That just showed up one day after one of her – your – extended disappearances. Like I told you, your Grace, a griffon and a dragon and a Chantry sun. We contemplated having it removed, but wanted to hear what her – your – parents said first.”

“Oh, Elissa,” the other nurse gushed, stepping around me to look at my face. “I’m so glad you’re safe. We’ve all been terrified, wondering what happened to you.” She pulled me into a hug, and I just stood there and let her.

I mumbled thanks when she released me, feeling like all the blood in my veins had frozen solid. I couldn’t even correct her using the wrong name. I didn’t know how to respond, had no idea what to say or even how I was supposed to feel. I’d spent so long on Earth thinking I was no one, only to find hope and family in Thedas, but now I finally had confirmation of who I was and where I’d come from. It was all too much.

Without a word, I let Alistair drag me through the curtain so he could help me back into my clothes. His hands were warm on my skin, and it should have been comforting, but the ice inside me refused to thaw even when he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my temple. “It’s okay. I love you.” I was grateful he didn’t seem to expect a response, and just let him propel me back out through the curtain.

The first thing I noticed was that Fergus was gone, as was one of the nurses. I couldn’t have said why, but my stomach roiled like I was on a roller coaster, dropping into my boots and leaving me queasy. Even Aedan’s smile and Zevran’s wink couldn’t rescue it.

The other nurse stepped over to the dresser, opening the top drawer and reaching inside. “I never thought I’d be the one to do this, and I’m so excited – there’s so many things here, Elissa, and I—”

“Sierra,” I interrupted.

She wasn’t fazed at all and just kept babbling. She pulled a few items out of the dresser: a book like the one Fergus had showed me back in Highever with my father’s writing in it; a handful of blankets and baby clothes, a stack of poorly made knitted sweaters, a small gold locket on a chain sized for a toddler. “Your parents left things here so you’d never feel alone,” she explained. “There’s a journal that they added to every time they visited, and clothes that the Teyrna thought you might like. Every time she visited she would try to knit you a sweater – and we’d rescue the results from the trash when she got frustrated. There are other portraits – we occasionally have an artist in residence who will do those for the families – and also portraits of your brothers. We put them away when you disappeared – they used to be on the top of the dresser.”

I stood in shock as item after item was either held up for me to see or shoved into my shaking hands for inspection. She took several framed drawings out and set them out – as she’d said, drawings of my parents with me, drawings of the family in Highever I’d never seen whole. I was completely overwhelmed; my legs began trembling just like my hands, and I blinked rapidly to keep the tears from flowing.

I couldn’t see my brother or my husband, my vision tunneling down to a small point of light – the nurse, still trying to shove more items into my hands. It was like the rest of the world ceased to exist, and it was just me and her and all of these things that I didn’t know what to do with. My fingers curled around something – the journal, I thought, and some fuzzy fabric I didn’t even look at – and she looked up at me again, her lips turning down into a concerned frown.

“Elissa?”

I lost it. “My name is Sierra!” I shrieked, and she froze, a hurt expression taking over for the concern. I glanced around, seeing shock on the faces of the others around, and without warning I burst into tears. I didn’t stop to put down the things I was carrying, or to try to explain – I just turned and bolted for the door before anyone could say anything.

I was out into the hallway and three doors down before I heard the shouting, but I ignored it and kept going. I had turned away from the direction we’d come, not wanting to run through the common area with all the staff and other patients, and I had to hope the door I could see at the end of the hallway led outside.

A few moments later I flew through it, and indeed found myself on a small, deserted patio overlooking both the edge of the rainforest and the beach. I didn’t stop, nearly leaping down from the veranda to the sand below. I kept going until I hit the edge of the water, stopping only to kick off my shoes – thankful they slipped off easily – so I could feel the wet sand between my toes. I stood there, tears streaming down my face, debating whether I wanted to just wade right in and allow the cool water to soothe me.

I heard pounding footsteps before I’d had a chance to make up my mind, and turned to see Aedan jogging towards me. “Sierra!” he called.

I staggered a few steps towards him and let him pull me into a bear hug. It felt unbelievably good to have him there, his steady presence a balm for my troubled soul. I sobbed on his shoulder, and he just allowed it, squeezing me silently.

Once the shudders shaking my shoulders stopped, I pulled away, though tears still trailed down my cheeks. I realised I still had my hands full – with a journal and a partially-unravelling wool sweater. I rubbed the tears off with the sweater irritably.

“I was all alone,” I realised I was shouting, but couldn’t seem to help it, “and no one cared and I had to do everything for myself. No one ever loved me. No one took care of me. I thought I’d been abandoned, that there was something wrong with me. And this whole time, they were here and I didn’t fucking know!” I waved the items in Aedan’s face spastically, and he reached out to grab my hands.

“I know.” He pulled on my hands and I stepped a few inches closer. “I’m so sorry, Sierra.”

I sobbed. “It’s not fair!”

“No.”

“And now they’re dead and I’m never going to ... to...” My legs gave out, and I sank to my knees in the sand.

Aedan came with me, kneeling in front of me, still holding my hands, a few of his own tears making tracks on his face. “I know.”

“And Fergus still won’t care,” I whispered, remembering his guarded expression when he’d asked to see my tattoo. It was clear to me that the trip, in that sense, was a waste; Fergus was never going to accept me as his sister.

Aedan held out his arms, and I collapsed forward, weeping. It was only a few moments before we were joined there by Alistair and Zevran; my husband dropped down behind me, pressing his chest to my back and sandwiching me between him and Aedan; Zevran took one side, taking the journal from my hand and leaning forward to press a kiss to my cheek and then Aedan’s. I didn’t move, merely sat there and let them hold me until I ran out of tears.

Finally I sighed. “I’m such a drama queen.”

Alistair choked on a laugh, and I chuckled. I was suddenly exhausted. It wasn’t even lunchtime, but my eyes felt as heavy as if I’d been up all night. “I suppose they’re all looking at me, too.”

Zevran sat back and swivelled his head around briefly. “Maybe at first, but they’ve all gone inside now, mia sorella. You’re fine.”

“I’m going to need to go back there eventually, but ... I don’t think I can right now. I just ... I need...” I turned to Alistair. “Will you take me back to our room? I think I’d like to rest.”

He nodded and climbed to his feet, holding out his hand to help me up. I collected my shoes, which I’d thrown onto the beach, and Zevran handed me the journal he’d held for me. Aedan told me he wanted to go ask the Chancellor a few more questions, and promised to meet us for supper. Zevran offered to find someone to send lunch up for both Alistair and me.

I didn’t even notice Avanna until I was back on the wooden walkway around the building, but it was obvious she’d stayed back, watching but not interfering. I was grateful and embarrassed, and just flushed and looked away.

I slipped out of my dress once I was back in our room; the hem was damp from walking along the beach. We hadn’t redone the laces as tightly as normal, so it was easy to get off, and I dropped it in a pile on the floor. Alistair just watched me, his brow furrowed with concern as I crawled into the bed with a sigh. He perched on the edge beside me and I reached out and grabbed his hand.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. He frowned in confusion. “I didn’t mean to run.”

He lifted my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to my knuckles. “I wasn’t worried about that,” he dismissed. “There’s a difference between running away, and running away from me.”

I smiled, my eyes drifting shut. “I love you.”

When I woke, the sun had moved enough that I thought it was probably afternoon. I sat up, groggy, rubbing my eyes and blinking at the light. When I looked around, I noticed my husband reclining in a padded armchair near the window, his legs sprawled out in front of him, fast asleep. The table beside him held a tray of food, half-eaten, and an open book lay on his chest. I was disappointed he wouldn’t have come to bed if he was tired – he was still healing, I knew, even if he was back to walking normally – but it was clear he hadn’t intended to fall asleep. The shadows under his eyes said he needed the rest, however.

I got up silently and slipped into a casual peasant dress and smalls, not even bothering with a breast band, patting at my hair and pinching my cheeks so I didn’t look too pale. I grabbed an apple off the tray, and after a moment of thought grabbed my parents’ journal, and then crept out of the room, leaving Alistair to sleep. I felt restless, and wanted to walk.

Avanna waited in the hallway, and she summoned Charles to stand guard at the door while she followed me down the stairs and outside. We hadn’t even seen another guest since arriving, and barely any of the staff; I didn’t feel like she needed to guard me, but I knew I’d never talk her out of it.

We went out the front door and then followed the walkway leading away from the building where Elissa’s – my – room was. We passed another identical building, and then ended up on the beach again. The sand was too hot for bare feet and the sun was blazing down, so after a few minutes walking through the surf, I headed a little inland until I was protected from the sun by the tropical trees on the edge of the rainforest. Rulia had promised there weren’t any predators on the island, so I weaved my way between some trees, enjoying the scent of exotic plants in the air.

There was a definite path ahead, so I knew we couldn’t get lost. The underbrush had been cleared, and the dirt was well-packed. I’d walked for another handful of minutes when I found myself back near the water, but in a place where the trees surrounded a small clearing and extended almost to the edge of the sea, making a nice, shady little spot. I clearly wasn’t the first to have found it; there was a hammock strung between two of the trees.