Chapter 139: Worst Kept Secret

We had several problems to start sorting out the next morning when we met. All of the Wardens – including a somewhat subdued, though still alive Vander – met in the dining room, and I joined them as well. We expected Nathaniel back sometime during the day, but no one wanted to sit around just waiting until that happened.

We summarised the issues first: finding the Architect as well as the sentient darkspawn who’d escaped from the Mother’s lair; repelling, and hopefully stopping the darkspawn attacks on Amaranthine and the Vigil; finding a cure or treatment for Faren’s poison; and finding the Legion, wherever they’d gone. We also needed to find a secure place for the eluvian we’d brought back from the Dragonbone Wastes, not that most of the people knew what it was or why we’d gone to the effort of bringing it to the Keep in the first place.

The city and Keep were likely to be well-defended; most of the army had returned to the city, except for those who would return to the Vigil later in the day with Nathaniel. The defenses had been rebuilt by Voldrik and the Orzammar craftsmen, and the secret entrances collapsed; anyone caught outside the walls on their own was at risk, but the nearby farm folk had already been relocated to the city and the darkspawn were very unlikely to be able to breach the defenses. I would work with Nate and Varel to set up round-the-clock watches and patrols just in case.

Aedan planned to go to Amaranthine with Zevran, Vander, and Prince to talk to the locals and see if there were sightings or rumours of darkspawn around. Seranni and Velanna would travel to their clan to negotiate a treaty with Nathaniel, and request aid in locating the darkspawn – the Dalish knew the wilderness around Amaranthine well, after all. Alistair was going to take a group including Sigrun and Alim to the abandoned Silverite mine the Architect had occupied in game, and clear it out if any of the darkspawn had relocated there. Conrad would be organising Warden patrols with Oghren, Wulf, and Rolan across the Arling like he had been before, to see if they could sense darkspawn activity anywhere else. And Anders and Solona had been tasked with returning to Kinloch Hold to research Faren’s poison and request the help of additional healers, if possible.

Once fed, and each Warden was clear on their assignment, they scattered to gather the supplies they’d each need. Aedan’s group left almost immediately, Seranni and Velanna in tow – they were going to meet up with Nathaniel on the road to Amaranthine and requisition soldiers to accompany them, as well as connect for last minute discussions with Nate. The rest wouldn’t be leaving until the morning, as they’d need to wait until Nate and the soldiers returned to the Keep. Saying goodbye was difficult for me, and I was starting to think I’d need to crazy glue my little family – Aedan, Zevran, and Alistair, mostly – together so I wouldn’t have to keep being separated from them.

I wasn’t sad to see Vander go, though I did wonder if Zevran had ferreted out his story at any point.

When Nate finally arrived back at the Keep later in the day, we sat down together with Conrad and organised patrols. Each of the four Wardens would lead a squad of soldiers, scouring the wilderness and crossing the less inhabited parts of the Arling looking for signs of darkspawn, while several other squads of soldiers would patrol the various roads, as well as around the Keep itself. One Warden would be near the Keep at any given time, to help defend against any further darkspawn attacks. Guards were assigned to a small, locked storage closet that now contained the eluvian that would ensure we would see Morrigan again, as well as to watch the sealed Deep Roads entrance – just in case. We also arranged a regular courier run from the Vigil to Soldier’s Peak once per week.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Nate said, once we were done, “I’d better check in on Thomas.”

“Thomas?” My jaw dropped as I stared at the dark-haired nobleman. “Your brother Thomas?”

“Do you know another one I should be aware of?” he teased.

“I just ... didn’t realise he was here,” I replied lamely. “Fergus mentioned he was...” I tried to find a word for ‘fucked up’ that wasn’t offensive, but still got my point across, “unwell.”

He frowned, expression bleak. “He’s ... broken,” he admitted. “We’ve never managed to figure out what he took at that brothel, but it damaged him. He isn’t vicious anymore, but he’s like a child. A confused, sad, never-aging child. He gets upset easily, sometimes harms himself by accident. Anders tells me his mind was affected. It’s irreversible. I honestly don’t know what to do with him. For now I have him isolated in his rooms with a couple of full-time caregivers to keep him safe and entertained.”

“I’m sorry, Nate. I didn’t know something like that was possible.” I’d never heard of even cocaine or PCP leaving someone like that on Earth. “I suppose it should have occurred to me to wonder where he was, but he was never really mentioned, where I’m from. He was supposed to have died when the darkspawn invaded Denerim. I sort of ... forgot.” I stood and patted his shoulder, feeling guilty and sad for Nate at the same time. While I’d been having my own personal crisis of conscience and he was organising an intervention, no one was helping him shoulder the burdens of his never-ending family screw-ups. “Would you like company?”

He shook his head. “Thank you, but no. New people tend to make him agitated. He seems to have latched on to me, though, so I’m sure he was a nightmare while I was gone. I’ll have dinner with him, and stay till he falls asleep. I’ll see you in the morning, Sierra.”

I hesitated only for a second before pulling him in for a hug. “If there’s anything I can do...”

He flushed and smiled. “You’ll be the first to know.”

I let him go, and went to find Alistair, my own personal comforter. We ate dinner with the Wardens left at the Keep, and then I bid them all goodbye before they turned in for the night. They were all leaving early, and I knew I wouldn’t see most of them before they departed. Sigrun seemed disgruntled at leaving me and a number of servants in charge of Faren, but I hoped she understood that Alistair needed her.

“I’ve got this,” I assured her for the seventeenth time in five minutes, as she reiterated his food and water requirements yet again. “After everything, do you think I, of all people, would let anything happen to him?” She shook her head ruefully, and I smiled.

Her level of apparent devotion to the burly dwarf was sweet, and yet I couldn’t help but be somewhat unsettled by it. I didn’t have problems with any of our other companions falling in love, but this one seemed to worry me subconsciously for some reason. And there was that strange tension between Sigrun and Anders I hadn’t had the chance to explore either. As I practiced dripping water into Faren’s open mouth under her critical gaze, I tried to remember if there’d been any weirdness between the mage and either dwarf before, or if the relationship between Faren and Sigrun had been unusual in any way. I tried to picture any interactions I’d seen between the two dwarves, when the reason for my unease, the obvious thing I’d been missing practically slapped me in the face.

“Um, Sigrun? Had you met Faren before he was poisoned?” I’d somehow forgotten that, stuck at Soldier’s Peak like he’d been since the end of the Blight, he hadn’t met any of the Legionnaires before we’d been captured, and that’s what was worrying me – and Anders too, I guessed.

She blushed. “No,” she replied in a small voice.

“You didn’t know him before joining the Legion of the Dead?”

She shook her head, sheepish expression noticeable as she refused to make eye contact. I was thunderstruck. Has she developed some sort of obsession with a dwarf she’s never even spoken to? As I pondered how to respond, she started talking.

“I know, I know. It’s weird. I can’t possibly have feelings for someone I don’t know. I’ve already been shouted at by Anders a dozen times. But it doesn’t matter. I just ... I know he’s a good person, and I want the chance to get to know him. I don’t expect him to fall for me, or anything. Really!” She looked sideways at me as I stared at her, water skin forgotten in my hand. “Before you give me the lecture, can I ask you something?”

I nodded, completely unable to verbalise any sort of response in my state of shock – and worry.

“What does the Commander feel like to you?”

I cocked my head, confused, feeling a blush creep up my neck. Is she asking some weird question about my sex life? “What do you mean?”

She sighed, rolling her eyes. “His taint. How would you describe it?”

My eyes widened in alarm. “Sigrun, I’m not ... I don’t...” Why would she ask me that? To her knowledge, I’m not a Warden.

She snorted. “Oh please. Worst kept secret in the entire Order. As soon as we heard what happened to Seranni, everyone realised the same thing must have happened to you. I don’t know how or when, but you’ve been through the Joining too. Everyone knows.”

“Everyone?” I was reeling. What could I say? She’s not wrong, and I’m not a good enough liar to convince her otherwise. “Sigrun...”

“You don’t have to worry. No one will tell. Most of the people here care too much for you to risk Weisshaupt finding out. It’s bad enough we have to let Seranni go there.”

I concentrated on my breathing, trying not to panic entirely. “Everyone knows?” She nodded and I slumped in my chair, swearing when a bit of water dribbled out of the skin I still held and on to my dress. I blotted the water hastily with a towel Sigrun handed me, and then rubbed my temples in dismay. “Well that’s ... interesting.”

I supposed I shouldn’t have been that surprised; none of the Wardens were stupid, and there were enough strange pieces of evidence to put it together. It didn’t occur to me that learning about Seranni’s condition would lead everyone to guess at mine.

Then I had a thought. “Wait, even Rolan?”

She scowled and shrugged. “Not sure. No one talks to him. Wouldn’t be surprised, though.”

I sighed, hoping it wouldn’t occur to him to share that information with the Chantry. Yeah, right. And yet, despite disliking him, I couldn’t help but feel just a little sorry for him – brainwashed and then abandoned to die by the Chantry, recruited to an Order he was probably told was evil, forced to essentially accept blood magic to Join, and then hated by all of his new comrades; his life didn’t sound fun – but not enough to accept his hatred of mages and the crap I knew he’d pull given the chance.

Sigrun interrupted my internal musing. “So?”

I blinked. “I’m sorry. So ... what?”

She giggled. “So what does he feel like?”

I smiled softly, thinking about my husband, probably waiting for me in bed. “Sunshine.” I’d never come up with another word to describe it.

Sigrun nodded, seemingly unsurprised. “Ever felt anyone else who felt the same?”

I shook my head. Some of them felt warm – Aedan and Zevran, primarily – but none radiated like Alistair.

“Commander Aedan and Zevran feel the same way about each other – I overheard them talking one day. So do Solona and Anders.” She hesitated, looking anxious, then rushed ahead, her words tumbling over each other in her haste. “I think it’s possible that if people, if Wardens, are meant for each other, if they love each other ... I think the taint reflects that. I didn’t give it any thought, until we found you in that dungeon cell. Because ... that’s how Faren feels to me.”

I stared at the pretty dwarf, gobsmacked for the second time in a single conversation. I didn’t know what to think. I had never been one to believe much in fate, but my story – my return to Thedas – would give anyone second thoughts. The Architect, and Flemeth for that matter, both claimed to be able to see the future in a limited way ... and somehow a man from my Earth was able to see all the events happening in a multiverse, and write them into a video game. The taint feeling warmer for someone you were fated to love seemed like a very small stretch compared to the strange things I’d already seen in Thedas. Who am I to say she’s wrong?

I shook my head irritably, feeling a headache coming on. “Look, just ... no one can tell you how to feel. Maybe you’re right, and when he wakes up it will be some amazing love story. But, Sigrun, what if it isn’t? Just ... try not to get your expectations up, okay? I’d hate to see your heart broken if he doesn’t feel the same way about you.”

She nodded, apparently relieved I hadn’t made fun of her. I wonder what Anders said to her when she talked to him. “I won’t. I don’t expect anything. I just can’t help caring for him. And leaving him here...” Her eyes filled with unshed tears.

I reached out to touch her shoulder. “Make you a deal. You keep my husband out of trouble and bring him back in one piece, and I’ll make sure Faren’s taken good care of while you’re gone.”

She smiled then. “Deal.”

I finally left here there, slowly wandering back to my room, mind spinning with worry. Sigrun and Faren were a potential disaster waiting to happen – and so was Rolan, or any other Warden who decided to tell Weisshaupt about me. Even the Chantry seemed likely to be anxious, if they knew, and they had a habit of shooting first and asking questions later.

I wasn’t sure whether it would be best to admit it to everyone, and hope that I could plead my case so they would all keep their knowledge to themselves, or whether to keep denying it and hope that no one would say anything in the absence of confirmation. I trusted Sigrun, Seranni, Anders, and Alim not to tell anyone ... but I didn’t trust Rolan a bit, and couldn’t really predict the response of the others. Some of them were likely to be really, really angry at me for keeping it from them. And someone like Vander, who didn’t know me or care about me, could easily be manipulated – using his bitterness, if nothing else – to tell the truth to the wrong person.