Chapter 104: Helping or Hurting

"So what are the next steps?" I asked Aedan.

"Well, Anora didn't tell us about the Alienage, so either she didn't know about the slavers beforehand or she figured out that they weren't successful."

"Maker, I wish we knew whether she really was involved in all this. At the end of the day, she's still his wife. I don't envy him the choices he will have to make." I'd never wanted to be involved in politics less.

"So now we just wait for the Landsmeet."

"Which is when?"

"A week today, Eamon said."

A week of waiting did not appeal. I turned to Aedan. "Okay, in the meantime, I have a plan."

"This has to do with our side trip on the way back from the Alienage?" Zevran asked.

I nodded. "I want to help the elves."

I went on to tell Aedan and Alistair about the elves carrying poorly concealed weapons, and how it put them at risk if a guard noticed. "And they'll notice, believe me. If I could figure it out, so could a guard."

"So what's your plan? You think you can talk them out of carrying weapons?" Aedan looked skeptical.

"Nope. I propose a trade-in program." At their confused looks, I elaborated. "Gorim's father-in-law can make knives like the ones Zev has hidden all over the place. Thinner, smaller, easier to conceal. We have a bunch made, and then tell folks in the Alienage we need their thicker, larger weapons for the army, and offer a trade. One small, concealable blade for one clunky weapon. I think Kallian, Zev, and Wulf will have to do it – no doubt they'll think it's a trick if a human offers them a weapon – but Gorim said he would get us a discount for quantity, and also if any of the weapons turned in have decent, useable metal they can reforge."

Aedan looked like he'd accidentally bitten into a raw onion.

"What?"

"Sierra..." He looked at Zevran helplessly. "Look, I appreciate that you want to help, but ... we can't get involved with arming the elves. Duncan's already going to skin me for giving them the coin to do it themselves."

I stood abruptly, pacing to the bookshelves and back. "So we just, what? Let them get arrested? Imprisoned, maybe tortured? Killed? All because they want to protect themselves and their homes? It might be one thing if the guards actually patrolled properly and defended them, instead of just making sure they don't 'get out' and cause any problems for the humans. Just look at what happened to Kallian! You can't blame them for wanting weapons. But they're going to get themselves killed. Alistair?"

I turned to my husband, who sat there looking like he was trying to get swallowed by the floor. "Uh..."

"Really?" I kicked the base of a bookshelf irritably, and a book tumbled out into my arms. I caught it, holding it uselessly, tears spilling over to trickle down my cheeks. "Zev?"

The elf stood, coming over to me and taking the book away, dropping it on a table. He reached out and put one hand on my shoulder, the other cupping my chin. "Cara mia, these things take time, yes? We can't just give them new weapons and expect the problems to be solved, even if we could get away with it. You know Theron is sympathetic – just wait, bella donna. Now isn't the time."

"Would you say that if it was me who'd been serially raped for months, and we weren't allowed to fight back?" I shrugged out of Zevran's grip, shot a dirty look at both Aedan and Alistair, and ran out of the room in tears.

It was Kallian who found me, later, huddled in the room I supposedly shared with her and Solona. I'd missed supper, and she brought me a plate of food; for once, I had no appetite. I picked at it listlessly. She sat down cross-legged on the floor across from me.

"Aedan told me your plan."

I sniffled and looked away.

"I appreciate the thought, Sierra, but ... that's not the way to make things better, you know that, right?"

I sniffed again. "I just want to help. I wasn't ... wasn't raised to just be able to accept this sort of thing. Treating someone else like that just because their ears are different. No one should have to go through what you have, and those people in the Alienage ... there's no one to protect them from it happening again and again."

"I know. But handing a bunch of half-trained children knives will only make things worse. My father told me that already a handful have been arrested – fighting on the docks and pulling a dagger, that sort of thing."

"If a human did that, no one would even notice, unless it was someone important that they killed."

"That doesn't make it okay. Perhaps the focus should be on disarming the rest of the world, not arming the elves?"

I thought about Earth – about the NRA and other conservative gun-nuts. "Good luck with that."

She laughed. "Listen, I do appreciate the thought. And after the Blight ... well, there will be some changes, I hear, and I hope we can make things better. But for now, let's just get through the human politics, and then the Blight, okay?"

I nodded, dejected. "Is there anything we can do? Those children..."

"Need more than any one person can offer. I was lucky – my father was well-off, as elves go. We always tried to feed the little ones, but..."

"But they wouldn't take food from us if we brought it to them, would they."

"Probably not. And even if they did – are you going to feed them all forever?"

I sighed. "I intended to talk to Mother Boann and encourage her to set up a school. Give her some coin for supplies. Do you think the kids would go?"

She thought about it. "Some of them. And I can ask my father and Valendrian to encourage more."

"What about buying the weapons for coin? Think they'd sell?"

"Probably not. But if you're actually offering, I can put out the word that the Grey Wardens are looking for spare weapons and willing to pay."

"I have some coin. Aedan won't even notice – he's probably forgotten I have it in the first place. How much do you think we should pay?"

"They'll be poor quality weapons. More than twenty-five silvers each would just make them suspicious."

I considered. Four weapons for a sovereign, then ... I fished in my coin purse and handed Kallian ten sovereigns. "If you need more, let me know."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Like I said, I wasn't raised to accept blind racism. Elves should have the same rights as humans. So should mages, for that matter. And someone has to be the first to try to change everyone else's mind."

"But, I mean, why me? I could just take your coin and leave."

I thought about it. "What you've been through ... you are an incredibly strong person. You helped Nathaniel even when he was too weak to make you. I'd say you earned it. Besides, Duncan knew your mother. I think he'd approve."

She smiled. "My mother? Who is Duncan, anyway? You mentioned him to Hahren Valendrian."

"Oh, uh, he's the Warden Commander. He's been mostly hiding in the barracks since you got here, I suppose. As I recall, he wanted to recruit your mom, but she wanted to stay and have a family with your father."

"I bet he has stories about her before I was born, then."

"I imagine, yes. You should ask him."

"Would you mind if I came with you when you speak to Mother Boann? I should thank her. She tried to stop us from being kidnapped, even if she wasn't successful."

"Of course."

My appetite returning, I reached over and grabbed a bun and a piece of cheese off the platter Kallian had brought me. "I suppose I should go apologise to Aedan and Alistair."

"They're not mad, as best I can tell."

"Doesn't mean I don't feel like a bitch."

She laughed. "I think they're in the library."

I grabbed another bun, gathered myself up off the floor ungracefully, and went to find them. On my way, I ran into Nathaniel, who avoided making eye contact.

I rolled my eyes. "Good evening, your Grace."

He looked up, startled, and I smiled. He scowled at me, and then snorted a brief laugh. "I've heard you don't like being called a lady. Given that you outrank me..."

I grinned. "That's fair. But I made you laugh." He smirked and I giggled. "How are you doing, then, Nathaniel?"

"Better than yesterday." He flushed and looked away. "About that..."

"No need. You'd been sedated. And you needed someone to talk to. I didn't mind."

"Thanks." He rubbed his forehead. "And thanks for taking Kallian home. Not that I understand how you know me, or her, and where exactly you come from... ?"

I considered. "I think ... maybe now's a good time to tell you my, uh, history, as it were. If you're interested?"

He nodded.

"Alright. I think my brother is in the library – I need to get something, and then I can meet you there?"

He agreed and headed to the library; I quickly ran back the way I'd come, ducking into Alistair's room to rifle through some of my belongings. Finding what I was looking for, I headed back to the library.

Aedan, Alistair, Zevran, and Nathaniel all sat chatting quietly when I arrived, and it was nice to see them all getting along – I'd been a bit worried that Aedan would hate Nathaniel no matter what, but Nathaniel's misfortune at his father's hands seemed to have made an impact. The two were laughing together, reminiscing about times when the families had visited, joking about pranks played on poor Delilah, the only girl. Theron stood by the door, silently watching as usual.

The talk stopped suddenly when I came in, and I paused, blushing. Alistair smiled tentatively at me, and I beamed at him. He tilted his head towards Aedan, and I nodded. Aedan wouldn't meet my eyes, and I walked up to him feeling awkward.

"I'm sorry," I blurted, and he looked at me, deep blue eyes startled. "I wasn't trying to imply you didn't care. I just..." I looked down. He reached out and grabbed me in a hug, and I relaxed into it, relieved. I put my arm out to Zevran and Alistair, and then we were having a group hug. Until Zevran made a dirty joke, and we sprang apart like we'd been electrocuted. Zev laughed uproariously, Alistair chuckled, and even Nathaniel smirked. Aedan just groaned theatrically and punched the elf's shoulder.

I settled into Alistair's lap, kissing his neck and murmuring apologies while everyone else was seated; he squeezed me and told me not to worry about it.