Chapter 102: Duty and Suffering

We ate a late dinner, slightly subdued compared to our usual boisterousness, given those that were missing from the table – Aedan, Zevran, and Wynne. Kallian still looked a bit thunderstruck at the chatting and teasing, but she sat on a corner between Wulf and Solona, with Leli across from her, and she didn't look like she was panicking too badly. Nathaniel sat across from me and just watched silently.

Anders was feeling better, so when we were done, we brought up plates for Zev and Wynne, and Alistair, Morrigan, and I followed the healer up to the room where Aedan lay sleeping.

I stopped Morrigan outside the room, giving her a hug and thanking her for her help; her expression was a humourous combination of pleased and irritated, and she sniffed. "He is our leader, and a Grey Warden. He will be needed, and that means he must be healed."

"I know. And I thank you for believing that, and for helping, regardless of your reasons."

Her lips twitched in a small smile, and I squeezed her one more time before entering Aedan's room.

Zevran looked exhausted, and I hugged him. Wynne smiled tiredly at us, and Anders joined her on that side of the bed. Morrigan went over there too, and the three mages got into a quiet discussion of magic that went completely over my head. Finally ready, their auras flared and weaved together, and the healing began.

It was gentler than the last time, it felt like; more precision and less raw power, I assumed. None of them needed Lyrium, and they didn't look completely exhausted when they were done. Wynne assured us that Aedan would be fine, and now was just sleeping. She put a sleeping spell on him that would last until morning, and we all left an anxious Zevran there, climbing onto the bed beside the rogue.

Theron whispered that he would go fill Duncan in on everything that had happened, and we wished him goodnight. Alistair and I passed the library on our way to bed, and I saw Nathaniel sitting there, in the dark, a glass of some sort of brown liquor – whiskey, perhaps? – in his hand. Gesturing to Alistair to go on to his room without me, I poked my head into the library cautiously.

"Nathaniel? You okay?"

"Not especially, no." His words were slightly slurred, and I wondered how much of that brown liquor he'd had. He gestured to a chair across from him, and I perched uneasily on the edge.

We sat silently for a minute, awkwardly, and I was about to stand up again and excuse myself when he finally spoke. "She begged me to, you know. To rape her. It would be better than letting Thomas have her, she said. Kinder. She begged me to 'accidentally' kill her instead of letting it drag on."

I closed my eyes, trying to force back the tears and the horror I knew he didn't need from me. I was frantically trying to think of something – anything – to say, and coming up blank, when he spoke again.

"And Maker help me, I was going to do it."

I sat, thinking about what I could say to that. "Nathaniel ... if it had been me, I would have said the same thing. Some fates are worse than death, and sometimes mercy requires a friend's help, no matter how painful." I reached out and gripped his hand. "You wouldn't have been wrong." I stared into his eyes, hoping he could see my sincerity. "You are not your father, and you are not the monster he tried to make you into. You are a good person, who was trying to do the best you could in an unwinnable situation."

He watched me, mouth moving without sound, looking so lost I wished I could take all of it away. Suddenly, the hand holding his drink dropped, the glass falling from his fingers to shatter on the ground. His whole body slumped, and I looked up from the shards of glass to see his head loll back, eyes closed. I jumped to my feet, wondering if he'd been injured and somehow no one had noticed; I was ready to scream for help when he let out a sonorous snore.

Leli stepped out of the shadows in a corner of the library, reaching out to touch my shoulder. "Thank you, my friend. He needed to say that to someone, and he wouldn't talk to any of us who ... saw him."

I looked at her suspiciously. "You drugged him."

She sighed. "He needs rest, yet he wouldn't close his eyes. You coming along while he was ... talkative ... was pure coincidence. He probably won't remember telling you in the morning, but he'll feel better for it all the same, yes?"

"Leli..." I remembered Aedan had done something similar to Alistair back at Soldier's Peak; it seemed slipping sleeping draughts into people's drinks was common practice in Thedas, but something about it felt wrong. They should have been left to deal with their feelings their own way. But what if he hadn't? What if he refused to deal with it? I shook my head. It's too late now anyway.

"I know, Sierra. And I'm sorry you were burdened with his guilt. But I..." She looked at the sleeping man, a slight grimace on her face. "I couldn't let him just suffer like that anymore," she finally continued. "He'll sleep for twelve hours, and hopefully wake refreshed. Will you help me get him to the barracks?"

I looked at the snoring, limp body in front of me and sighed. "You could have at least gotten him back to the barracks before you knocked him out."

Leli chuckled, and between the two of us we hoisted Nathaniel up and began walking him down the hallway. Even as emaciated as he was, he was heavy, and he was a good six inches taller than either of us; it was awkward. When we passed by Alistair's room, I paused, shifting Nathaniel's weight, and then turned and knocked. Alistair, wearing his soft sleeping trousers and a shirt he'd obviously just thrown on, answered, his expression confused until he saw the dead weight Leli and I were dragging.

Without even asking, he stepped out, took Nate's arm, and slung the man over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. He made it look so easy, and Leli and I exchanged amused glances as we both ruefully rubbed at our sore backs. I followed Alistair and Leli to the barracks, helping to ease the poor man into a bed. Leli worked his boots off, and then tucked him in.

"He looks so peaceful like this." Leli's expression was wistful.

"Yeah. Like a baby," I teased.

"Or a puppy," Alistair added.

She grinned and waved us away. "Get off with you, then."

I gave her a quick hug. "Good night, Leli."

Theron was in his room in the barracks, one of the few rooms with an actual door, and we stopped to talk briefly. Blake was asleep, dead to the world on a little trundle bed at the end of Theron's bunk.

"How are you doing?" I asked, noting the bags under Theron's eyes and the pale complexion.

"This is harder than I thought. Watching, not being able to even say anything. Loghain ... how did I never see what he's become? He's completely mad. And I could get Anora to tell the truth, I know I could."

"In the end, though, does it matter?" Alistair's question surprised me, and he flushed when Theron and I both stared. "Whether she colluded in a trap or was caught in one herself, she had nothing to do with the torture, or the ... other things, that Howe was doing. She wasn't the one who called the retreat at Ostagar. And clearly Loghain is the one calling the shots at the palace."

"It matters to me," Theron muttered. He looked from me to Alistair. "If something bad happened, and it was possible ... just possible ... that Sierra was involved, that she caused some of the suffering, wouldn't you need to know, so you could make your decisions?"

"Sierra would never." I smiled at my husband and squeezed his hand. "I can't imagine having to wonder about that. But ... if you think it's even possible, if you can't be completely sure that it's not ... Doesn't that answer your question?"

Theron's face was so crestfallen, I felt sick. I reached out to pull him into a hug, and felt Alistair wrap his arms around both of us from behind me.

"We're here for you, whatever you need, whatever you decide, okay?" I whispered.

He nodded, then turned away. "I think I'd like to go to sleep now."

"One second." I gestured to Alistair to stay, and slipped out of the room, finding Anders sitting on his bunk, expression somewhat ... smug.

"Anders, I want to talk more later – tomorrow, maybe – but can I have one of those sleeping potions?

He rummaged in his pack and handed me a small vial. "Trouble sleeping?"

"It's not for me. Thanks."

He nodded knowingly and I headed back into Theron's room. "Drink this." He looked about to object, but I put my finger on his lips to stop him. "Drink it. You need rest, and I know you aren't going to sleep, between worrying about Anora, Loghain, and the Landsmeet."

Alistair nodded encouragingly, and he sighed and took the vial, popping the cork with his teeth and tossing the entire contents back.

We wished him a good night, and left him to get ready for bed before he passed out entirely. Alistair and I wandered back to his room hand in hand; I barely paused to check if we were being watched before following him inside. I assumed Kallian and Solona were in my room, but didn't want to risk waking them up by checking.

Alistair sat on the bed while I changed out of the dress I wore. "So what was that all about with Nathaniel?"

"He was feeling guilty for his father's actions. So Leli drugged him to sleep."

"What is with the people we know drugging someone to make them sleep?"

I laughed; I hadn't been sure if Alistair knew Aedan had done that to him. "I don't know."

Once I was naked, before I could slip into a nightgown, Alistair tossed off his tunic and reached out, pulling me into his arms and laying us both back on the bed. "Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"Still feeling guilty?" He tucked my head under his chin, stroking my hair softly.

"Wouldn't you?" I sighed.

"Probably." He chuckled when I pinched him. "But that doesn't mean you should. You aren't responsible for Rendon Howe just because you knew in advance that he was evil. It isn't your fault that you can't prevent every bad thing from happening. Just like it's not Nathaniel's fault because it was his father."

His calm voice and the slow beat of his heart soothed me, and I drifted to sleep, exhausted from the emotional day we'd had. I woke several times with nightmares – between darkspawn, Nathaniel, and Kallian, I slept poorly – but most of the time managed to avoid waking Alistair; I wasn't the only one having bad dreams, though, based on the muffled shouts I could hear from across the hall. After my final nightmare, a horrifying vision of being Kallian and watching Nathaniel strangle me as I lay tied down, naked and helpless, I woke up struggling and accidentally smacked Alistair in the head.

He sat up, gathering me into his arms, holding down my flailing limbs and shushing me until I relaxed. I sobbed into his shoulder and he held me until I cried myself out, then slowly, reverently made love to me until I shattered in his arms and afterwards, fell into a deeper, dreamless sleep.

The next day everyone woke at varying times, so the dining room kept up a steady supply of bread, cheese, and fruit and everyone just grabbed plates and helped themselves whenever they got up. Eamon left early with a contingent of soldiers to accompany Connor and Isolde to the docks. We agreed to wait until he returned to have our talk.

True to Leli's word, Nathaniel's expression was slightly less tortured when we finally met in the library, though he wouldn't meet my eyes; Kallian had stopped flinching every time one of the men looked at her, though she still clung to Wulf. Anora, Eamon, Teagan, and Alistair were there, as well as Leliana and the two elves, with Theron playing door guard as usual.