Chapter 3

24 Mar (3:30 AM)

I've been sitting here for over an hour, just staring at the screen, trying to make this entry. It's not just difficult, it's damn near impossible. Life has done a 180 on me; in the last 24 hours I've gone from being a confused, frightened, would-be suicide, to a starry-eyed, hopeful daydream believer. I've spent half my life stuck in an industrial freezer, and just as I finally decided to stop moving around and settle down and let the cold claim me, a secret trapdoor opened, and I stepped through, and now I'm in a sunlit summer meadow with the warm lifegiving sun blazing down on me.

Barb. Beautiful sweet lovely precious rare Barb. I didn't have any right or reason to expect that she would accept me or open up to me as she did. She is ... she is God. I don't mean that blasphemously, and I still don't know if I believe in a personal God who listens and gets involved in our lives, but ... no, I do, I believe in God, and Barb is my proof. She is my gift from God, she is my reason to go on.

After we left Aunt Sadie's and went to Cedargrove, and she let me kiss her again ... oh my God, "let" me kiss her? She wanted the kiss more than I did, and I wanted it like it was the last breath of air in a sinking ship. Her kiss was ... okay, I'm trapped again. There are no words for it. It was the sculpture of "The Kiss" by Rodin. It was Cupid and Psyche. It was Daphnis and Chloe. God! It was EVERYTHING. It was Alpha and Omega. It was ... it was the beginning of the fucking world. It was Adam and Eve. And when the kiss was over, my plan to tell her about Susan just evaporated. The feeling was so overwhelming, so unreal, that I was dissociated, detached from reality, as though I had strayed into some alternate realm. I told her I felt like I was dreaming, that this couldn't be real; and that's when she put my hand on her breast. I mean, she pulled up her clothes and bared her breast to me, and took my hand and put it on her bare breast. Her soft, warm, beautiful, tender breast, this package of perfection, this flesh straight from the hand of the Creator; and her nipple, this amazing rounded dome, standing out so firm and solid, a magnificent peak, that felt so wonderful under my fingers, like the pinnacle of delight, like ... like life, like the meaning of life was in it. I didn't intend to, without even realizing what I was doing, I put my mouth on it, and the feel of her nipple under my tongue sent a shockwave from my mouth straight down to my testicles, an electric current that sizzled straight down my spine and lit up my balls like an invisible sun and made it almost impossible to breathe.

Somewhere in there, some part of my brain (or maybe it was my soul? or maybe the angel on my right shoulder gained the upper hand over the devil on my left shoulder? but SOME part of me) grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and reminded me of my responsibility; reminded me that I was stealing from this gorgeous creature, that until I told her the complete truth about myself, I was robbing her of the choice of whether or not to allow a cheating lying bastard to possess her beautiful flesh. I've made enough mistakes in my life, and I was damned if I was going to commit another one by being a goddamned thieving rapist. So I told her. I showed her my ring and told her. Everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. I told her things I didn't mean to tell her. The only thing I WANTED to tell her, that I really MEANT to tell her, was that I was married and that there was no passion or intimacy in the marriage; but what came pouring out was all the heartache and pain and grief and anger of the last 24 years. I couldn't stop myself, I was just projectile vomiting my misery all over her, it just came out in this godawful torrent of rage and fear; all the lonely nights and lonely tears and lonely arms and lonely everything were packed into this monstrous rush of agony, all the things I've had to keep trapped inside for so long now. I told her it hurt so bad that the only way I could see to escape the pain was to take the coward's way out; I told her that I was trying to kill myself. And before I could say any more, before I could tell her about the starvation, she just screamed and grabbed me and held me tight, tighter than I've ever been held before in my life. It was as if her resolve had given her arms of steel; I couldn't move; she was holding me so tight that it hurt, I mean it really HURT, and the pain of being held so tight was the most wonderful thing she could have given me right then. The dichotomy was so unbelievable, to think that someone wanted me so much that they would lock me up like that, to prevent me from getting away, compared to Susan who really does have me locked up by means of a wedding band, and who just doesn't care, who cut me loose long ago, that I felt this primal scream come out of me, just this long drawn-out tortured wailing of the damned. And that was my affirmation; just like that, I knew it really was love that I felt for her, the feeling was so deep and true and RIGHT ... balls to bones, I KNEW it, I knew it was love, and I told her so; I said it, I said the words. I said, "I love you, Barb, I love you and I'm in love with you and I love you." And it kept right on being a dream that became real, because miracle of miracles, she told me the same thing, she said the words too, she said "I love you, Steve." She SAID it, she said IT, she said she loves me! LOVES! ME! It was the most cathartic moment I've ever had in my life. All the rust and decay, all the useless detritus and sludge, were blasted out of my system. I was changed, I was new and real.

After we climbed out out of the emotional pit that I had dragged us into, and got ourselves cleaned up from the explosion of tears, we did a little more physical exploration. Whereas before the kisses had been perfection, the perfect representation of a man and a woman coming together, this time they were the beginning of real desire, the first basic awakening of what would become lust. This time it became a French kiss, and I got an erection while we were doing it, and when she rubbed her leg against it, I knew she could feel it, because she kept rubbing and rubbing her thigh right over top of it. I wanted SO MUCH to slide my hand into her pants and discover the treasures hidden there, but something pulled me back. I think it might have been that I didn't want our first sexual experience to be in a car, I wanted everything to be perfect; starlight and lace, rose petals and musk, silk sheets and gently billowing curtains. I owed that much to this beautiful little girl.

It was that reluctance, that sense of caution, that allowed me to remain alert enough to notice how late it was getting; almost too late to tell Susan I had been at a movie the entire time. I told Barb we needed to get back, and she smiled her shy sweet smile and nodded, and directed me to her home; which is how I learned that she lives on a cul-de-sac that branches off of Marley, a little side street called Venus Circle. Before she got out, I asked her to see a movie with me the next day, of course she said yes, and I gave her the necklace, and when I put it on her, she was almost glowing. And she gave me a goodnight kiss and she went in the house, and I spent a few minutes just basking in the feeling, absorbing the knowledge that I had a lover, that we were in love and that life was worth living. And I went home.

Susan was asleep when I got in. I tried to get in bed as quietly as possible, but of course she roused enough to be aware that I was there. She asked what time it was, and asked how the movie was; and I said it was pretty good, a lot better than I had expected it would be, and she dropped off to sleep again. And as I lay there looking up at the ceiling, I became aware that I could still smell Barb's perfume; it was on my fingers, and my arms, and I think it was on my face as well. I slipped out of bed without waking Susan, and I scrubbed myself raw in the bathroom sink, and I laid down on the couch, and closed my eyes, and all I could see when I did that was Barb's face, and her beautiful beautiful breasts. And I slept.

I was up at 5:00, and it was Saturday, and it was the first weekend of my newly revitalized life. Of course I had an erection when I woke; strange, if I had dreamed of her, I don't remember it. I took a shower in the basement bathroom so as not to wake Susan, and I confess that I masturbated while thinking of Barb. All it took was the memory of her nipple under my tongue to make it work, and when I ejaculated, it was so powerful, so forceful, that my legs gave way and I sank to my knees while green sparkles danced around in my vision. After I got dressed I made coffee, and by 7:00 I had drunk the whole pot, a cup at a time, while walking around outside in the chilly morning and wondering how I would prevent myself from rushing over to Barb's house like the love-starved lunatic I was. And while I was doing that, I realized I was ravenously hungry. Bizarre. I haven't been really, truly hungry for weeks now. It was as though once one of my appetites had been roused, it woke up the other one. How natural, I realized; now that I had a reason to stay here, my body was demanding I do something about it. I went back in the house and scrambled and ate a couple of eggs, and resisted the urge to make toast to go with them, and I felt so full that I was almost uncomfortable. I took off my clothes and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, and was digusted by what I saw, and I knew that I couldn't offer this grotesquerie to the Queen of my world. I realized that I did look thinner than before, but I saw I had a ways to go. And I knew that it wasn't enough to just lose the weight, I had to build myself up as well. I had to add definition, I had to make my flesh worth looking at. And I thought of Duane, and how he had kept up with his weightlifting all these years, and how good he still looked. And I knew what I had to do.

I sent Duane a text to see if it was okay for me to come over. I was on edge waiting for his response, which didn't come until an hour later, and it said that he was going out of town in the afternoon, but that he would be happy to have me come over in the morning. I roused Susan and told her I was going out for a walk, as part of my weight loss effort. She was a little cranky at being disturbed, and went right back to sleep as soon as I told her.

I walked to Duane's, 3 miles away, and it only took me 40 minutes. He was glad to see me, and we sat and talked for a bit, and he remarked how good I looked. I attributed it to the starvation, and told him I had changed my mind, that I wasn't going to try to starve to death anymore, that I wanted to live, and be healthy, and he just nodded in that quiet, accepting way he has, and his only remark was, "That works." I told him how envious I was of his physique and that I needed his help in getting into shape. He took me down in the basement and showed me his new weight set that he had gotten a few months ago, and his old weight set stacked in the corner, and said I could have the old set and that I was welcome to take it home with me. We talked for a while about weight lifting, and he gave me some pointers, some basic advice on how to start, and said that as long as I had decided to live, then getting in shape was a smart thing to do. He was glad that I wanted to lift weights, and asked what had been the catalyst, what made me change my mind, what made me want to start now, was it a delayed midlife crisis, or what? And I fumbled and hemmed and hawed, and then it just all came out in a rush; I told him about Barb, and how we met, and how beautiful she is, and what we had done last night, and how it had blown away my death wish. His eyes just got huge, and this enormous grin was plastered all over his face. He kept saying, "You son-of-a-bitch! You lucky ratbastard!" I didn't tell him the whole truth; I purposely avoided mentioning Barb's age, I just told him that she was a grocery checker. As open and enthusiastic as he was, I wasn't sure what his opinion would be if he knew she was only 16. He's been after me for so long to leave Susan that he was certain this was the end of my marriage, he thought that in no time at all I would be divorcing her so I could be with Barb. And I realized that I hadn't thought far enough ahead to know what I was going to do. Any vague and unrealized plans I had made so far, had only to do with keeping it from Susan, with hiding the truth from her. Duane's enthusiasm made me realize I hadn't even begun to consider everything I needed to.

He told me he'll be out of town for 5 days, helping his stepbrother move or something; not sure of the exact reason, I didn't listen too carefully; I was still zoned out thinking about divorce. He gave me a spare key to his house so I can pick up the old weight set at my leisure, and use his new weight set if I wanted to while he's gone. And we just talked for another couple of hours, and it was wonderful just being able to spend time with him. He gave me a lift home, and as I got out of the car, I leaned back down before shutting the door and thanked him for being such a loyal friend, and I told him I loved him. He was uncomfortable for only a second or two, and he gave me that quiet confident smile of his and told me he loved me too, and for me to take care. And he was gone.

Susan was in the living room when I came in. She asked if that was Duane who had just dropped me off, and I admitted it was. When I told her about the gift of the weight set, she raised her eyebrows, but otherwise had no comment. I said that I would probably go see another movie later in the afternoon, and she told me that could wait for a day because she wanted us to go over to Carol and Sam's house for dinner, and for me to try to figure out why their printer wasn't talking to their computer. I felt myself sinking through the floor; all the good feelings I'd been floating around on had suddenly developed a serious leak as I was forcibly reminded that my time and energies were not my own to command. I grimaced inwardly and put on my best poker face and swallowed my true feelings (something I've become pretty skilled at over the last two decades), and pretended that was fine by me.

Fortunately, we were almost out of milk, so I told Susan I was going to go to the store to get some. She kvetched and carped about burning gas for a single item, so I told her I was going to walk, to try to burn some calories. She pursed her lips and looked at me ... it wasn't quite a glare, it wasn't really anger I was seeing in her eyes, nor suspicion, but it was SOMETHING that unnerved me, something that rattled me and set me on edge. But I didn't care; I was alive, or coming back to life, anyway; after so many years of cramming myself down, of trying to forget who I was, I was beginning to remember, and it was cogent, it was something I wanted, something I was GOING to have, no matter what.