Chapter 2

3/22, later

How can life be so cruel and wonderful at the same time? How can there be such a wonderful person, such a beautiful wonderful lovely man who is so giving and tender and amazing, who has so much love to give, and who isn't allowed to give it? How can life be so goddamn UNFAIR?!?

After I started my shift and I had been checking for a couple of hours, I took a break and called dad and told him that I was probably gonna hang out after my shift, and don't worry if I was late getting home. I felt a little guilty because I was trying to make him think I meant that I would hang out with Jamie and PJ, without actually saying so, but he said okay and to have fun, and that was that.

So then in the middle of my shift, Jamie comes in and she's sniffing around for Slubotkin, I didn't know where he was and she seemed suspicious, like she thought maybe I did know and just wasn't telling her. I told her I really didn't care, whatever she wanted to do with him was fine with me, but I must of sounded a little bitter about it. She asked me if she could take a candy bar, and I almost said yes, but I chickened out and told her no, the candy wasn't mine to give. And then Slubotkin came in and saw her and right away he got this huge shit-eating grin all over his stupid face and he whispered something to her and the two of them went back in the stockroom, they were gone for like 20 minutes and when they came back Jamie was smiling like the cat that ate the canary. She whispered something to Slubotkin and he came over to my lane and gave me this stupid fucking wink that squinched up the whole side of his face and he grabbed a whole box of candy bars off the rack and stuck them in Jamie's purse, and it was so damn obvious he was grabbing her ass when he did it, and she was just giggling the whole time and she gave him a kiss on the cheek and then she gave me this fluttery little wave and a sneer, like she was saying "ta-ta, I got my candy anyway, thanks for nothing". And Slubotkin was just giving me this big stupid toothy grin, so I figured what the hell, and I asked him if I could get off early, and he said I could take off at 8:30 if it wasn't too busy.

So I was praying and wishing the whole night that it wouldn't be busy, and of course right at 8:25 there were like 3 people in my lane, I was checking them out so fast I should of won some kind of award, and 2 more people came while I was checking out the first 3, I was so frustrated I almost cried, but I kept checking checking checking, and it was almost 8:40 before I finally got my lane cleared out, and Slubotkin gave me another goddamn wink and jerked his thumb over his shoulder like he was saying, "go ahead and take off". I was out of there so fast I must of scorched the floor, and I went in the bathroom and took off my Sav-Rite polo and sprayed myself all over with the Vanilla Musk that dad got me for my birthday, and I put my rainbow blouse on and made sure my hair and makeup were okay, and I went out to wait for Steve. I didn't see him anywhere, but it was still like a quarter to 9, so I went to the health and beauty section and grabbed a bottle of mouthwash, cuz I thought if Slubotkin was gonna give Jamie a whole damn box of candy bars, he could for sure spot me some mouthwash, and I went back to the bathroom and took a mouthful and swigged it around, it was some super-strong spearmint stuff that burned my gums, but I felt better for doing it, I felt a little prettier and not so gross from having just worked a shift, and I stuck the mouthwash in my locker, and I went back out front, and Steve was there! He was looking around the store for me, and I got this crazy silly stupid idea to sneak up behind him and poke him in the ribs, and I did sneak up behind him, but before I could poke him, he turned around real sudden and bumped into me and almost knocked me over! I should of known not to do something so stupid, I was embarrassed and I couldn't help myself from laughing, but then Steve started laughing, and his eyes were just like these blue lasers that were cutting right through me and his smile was so ... God, so wonderful!

And when we went out to his car, he held the door open for me, like he thought I was a proper lady or something, it was the first time anybody's ever held a door open for me, EVER. Then he asked if it was okay if we went to Aunt Sadie's and I was thinking about the time we went there for Kathy and Bill's wedding when I was in 3rd grade, they had this amazing fish tank that was like half of the whole building, and mom said I couldn't go in that part of the place, I just had to look at it from across the room, but now I wasn't going there with mom, it was with Steve, so of course I could go see it if I wanted to.

And then he was driving, and it got so quiet, and it was almost like back at Sav-Rite when I was checking his groceries yesterday, where I had all these things burning in my head and I couldn't say any of them. And even though we were alone and there was nothing to stop me from saying them, we were going to Aunt Sadie's, and I still didn't know what was going on, it didn't feel like a date somehow. I mean, I wasn't scared or nervous at all, and I know that's stupid, I mean, here I was in a stranger's car, this was somebody I didn't even know, and I know I should have been thinking "what if he's a psycho or a rapist, what if I wind up dead in the woods with my panties tied around my neck", but something about him just didn't feel like that. I mean, I was definitely picking up a vibe from him, but it wasn't creepy at all, it was just this terrible sadness in him, and kinda nervous too, not nervous like "oh boy I'm gonna rape this girl", more nervous like "what if she doesn't like me, what if this is a terrible mistake". And all these things were still inside me and just pushing so hard to get out, and I wanted so bad to tell him, cuz it felt like he liked me, the same way I liked him. But what if I was wrong, and I started saying all these gooshy things from my heart and that wasn't what he had asked me out for at all, like what if he just wanted to be friends or something, and here I would be spilling my guts and getting him all embarrassed, and it was kind of miserable. I started to reach out, like I was going to touch his shoulder, but then it was like, that's what Slubotkin always does to me, and I didn't know what to do or what to say or anything.

Then right as I was thinking this was maybe one of my bigger mistakes ever, Steve turned on the radio, and it was this incredible song I'd never heard before, it was slow and sweet, and it was sad and happy at the same time, it was a LOVE song, I think it was talking about sex, but in the most romantic way ever, not like having sex with someone but like making love like it the was most beautiful thing ever, almost like Adam and Eve in the garden before the apple, and the whole time it was playing, I'm just sitting there looking at Steve, and the light from the dashboard on his face made it like he was almost glowing, and headlights from cars that were going the opposite direction were lighting up his face every now and then, and he kept looking over at me like he wanted to just look away from the road and put all his attention on me. And all of a sudden I could smell his cologne, it just went right up in my nose and straight to my chest, like it was squeezing my heart or something, and then I started getting this tingling down below, like little sparkles in my crotch ... oh God, in my crotch, like I was glowing down there or something, like I never felt that way before, I was getting all hot and cold at the same time, and I knew I was in danger of crying or something, and I wasn't sure why.

And then we were at Aunt Sadie's and he parked the car, and he turned around in his seat to face me, and he didn't say anything, he was just like looking at me so strange, like he couldn't move or something, it felt like he was just gonna sit there forever and look at me, his whole body was so still, like a statue, the only part of him that was moving was his eyes, they just kept going back and forth real fast, like he was trying to fit my whole body in his vision at one time. And then he was holding my hand, and telling me how beautiful I was, and kissing my hand. And it was like all the romantic things I had ever heard about or read about, all wrapped up in that one perfect moment, and I tried to think what was the most romantic thing that had happened to me before that, and for about a half a second I thought about Jimmy giving me flowers on the first date, and then Jimmy was just GONE, I mean like he just disappeared off the face of the earth like he'd never existed, because when he gave me flowers, it was like imitating romance, like that's what you're supposed to do just because it's what everybody says romance is, it's expected, but when Steve gave me the flowers, he did it in the most unromantic place in the world, but it was such a total shock and unexpected, it was like a heart explosion or something, and now here he was kissing my hand, like every time you see somebody's hand getting kissed in the movies or whatever it's like the corniest thing ever, like so lame and laughable, but now here he was kissing my hand, and his whole heart was in it, like he was putting his soul in my fingers or something, and all of a sudden my chest felt so good, like it was expanding like a balloon, or like someone was reaching right though my chest and massaging my heart, it was like being high on a drug, it felt so good, it filled up my whole chest and went up into my shoulders and my neck and it kept going up until it was filling my whole face, and at the same time my crotch was still doing all these little sparkly things, and I felt so good I never wanted it to stop. He was still talking to me, but I couldn't hardly even hear him because the good feelings were making my ears kind of full of a rushing sound, and we were still holding hands, I was rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb and feeling the bones and the flesh, and it was so REAL, I mean, it was the REALEST thing I'd ever felt before, and I wanted him to put his hands on my breasts so I could pass the good feeling on to him, like I could make the feeling transfer that way, but I was afraid of breaking a spell or something, and then I knew how to pass it on, I knew the right way to do it, would be to kiss him.

And I knew I should of been scared or nervous or something, because I knew that I had never really kissed a guy the right way before, not the right and true, real and romantic way like when you're in love, I knew the way Jimmy kissed me was completely the wrong way to do it, the way Jimmy did it was all about being on first base and getting to second base or whatever stupid sports metaphor you use for getting to fuck a girl, but I knew that's not the way it would be between Steve and me, I knew it would be like in the song we just heard, and then I was doing it, I wasn't even thinking about it, like my brain wasn't even there anymore, like it was just my hands and my lips, and I reached out and touched his face and pulled him close to me, and then we were so close together, it took like forever to happen, but at the same time it was happening at exactly the right time, like there was a perfect timing for it to happen and we were doing it, we were right in the groove, like ... like Adam and Eve, is the only way I can think of to say it, like the first man and the first woman and the first kiss that ever happened, and he was kissing me, and I was kissing him, and the whole universe just went away except for the kiss, and we kissed for like ever and ever and ever, like kissing was the only thing that human beings had ever done or would ever do, and that's all they ever needed to do.

And then somehow, the kiss was over, and we were just sitting there looking at each other, but somewhere, at some level of reality, we were still kissing, and would go on kissing forever and ever. And then everything started moving again, like all of a sudden my heart was going so fast, it was like a hummingbird's wings, like if I could of looked inside my chest with an x-ray right then, I wouldn't have even seen my heart pumping, it would have looked like a blur. And when Steve said we should go inside for a drink, then THAT was the most perfect and right thing that had ever happened, and when he opened the door for me, then THAT was the most perfect and right thing that had ever happened, and it just kept being perfect and right, and all of a sudden it was so obvious, of course it was a date, it was a man and a woman on a date, what else would they be doing at a restaurant on a Friday night?

And then there was the aquarium behind the bar. You know how when you're a little kid and things look so huge, but when you get older, you realize they're not nearly so big as you thought? Well this was the opposite, it was like the aquarium was even bigger, like it was ten times bigger than when I saw it before, and it had looked huge then. And Steve was standing behind me, and he was laughing quietly, and I held his hand, of course that's what you do when you're on a date, you hold hands. And then he took me over to the bar, and when he asked what I wanted to drink, suddenly everything just collapsed and came crashing down, because I realized, like how had I not even realized it before, but now I realized that he was asking what kind of a mixed drink I wanted. And I thought for a second about asking for a rum and Coke, because that's the only mixed drink I could think of, before I realized that I couldn't do that to him, I mean, get him arrested for providing alcohol to a minor, and I whispered to him that I was only 16. And I thought he was gonna pass out, he just got this blank look on his face like he was gonna lose consciousness or something, and he started to slide off the barstool, so I grabbed his arm, and that's all it took to bring him back. I felt so incredibly stupid, I was feeling scared like I had led him on, it felt like I had lied to him and tricked him by not saying something sooner. And then the bartender was standing there with this smartass look on his face, but Steve out-smartass-looked him and ordered a couple of Cokes, and when he looked at me, he was smiling like everything was the way it was supposed to be, like everything was all right, and I felt a mini rush of the same good feeling I'd had in the car, like just before we kissed, and his eyes were just like shining, like they were making their own blue light and filling up the world, and I almost leaned over to kiss him again right there, right in front of the smartass bartender, but I didn't, it was enough really just to feel the good feeling in my chest and know it was because we were there together.

The bartender moved away after he set the drinks down, but not all the way to the end of the bar. It bugged me that he was still standing kinda close, I wanted him to just go away. Steve must of thought the same thing, because he had us go to a table back in the corner. He started to say something, then stopped, like he wasn't quite sure how to say it, and he kept starting to say something, but he just couldn't get it out. I felt bad for him, I felt like he was maybe too embarrassed or nervous or scared or something, and my heart just went out to him, like it did that first day in the Galleria, by the big clock. I thought that maybe if I started, it would take a little of the pressure off him, so I asked if he remembered the first time we saw each other. He looked startled for a second, like he was totally not expecting me to ask that, and he shook his head for a few seconds and then started to say it was a time at Sav-Rite when I dropped his change on the floor and had to get down on my hands and knees to get it. That's when I thought maybe he didn't remember when PJ and Jamie and me saw him at the mall, or maybe he didn't get a good enough look at me that first time to know that it was me, so I described it to him, and all of a sudden I was ashamed of myself for bringing that up, cuz it was reminding him of a time when he was so sad, and he got the strangest look on his face, and I knew he remembered it then, and suddenly I was scared that maybe we had hurt him so bad when that happened that now he hated me, and I was telling him how sorry I was that it had happened, and I was trying to tell him that it was PJ and Jamie, and they were doing it to tease me because I was so sad for him, and that he had been in my thoughts pretty much all the time since then.