Chapter 1

14 Feb

Valentine's day is such a LIE. There may have been romance and tenderness in the world at one time, but there isn't anymore.

Susan was right. I've been such a goddamned IDIOT all these years, moaning and puking about tenderness and intimacy, moping and crying and suffering. The pangs of loneliness that have made my life the nightmare it is have all been manufactured right here in this defective heart. I thought because she and I both wanted kids that she had the same understanding of love that I did. What a MORON I am. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times we made love before she got pregnant with John. The entire time she was carrying him, I wasn't allowed to touch her. Not even to stroke her hair or rub her back; all touch was strictly shunned and any attempt was punished with a fusillade of invective. After John was born, we made love EXACTLY one more time; it was the day after his second birthday. I can recall that night in crystal clear detail; the night we made Lacie. I remember seeing myself reflected in the mirror over her dresser, remember seeing myself pumping away, filling her with my love, thinking to myself that things were finally going in the right direction, that we would be sharing that kind of love all the time from that point onward. Goddamned IDIOT. All she wanted was my seed. I should have realized that, after she had spent so much time talking about wanting a little girl. She loved John, I know she did, but he just wasn't the daughter she had had her heart set on.

Lacie's been 21 for just over a month now. I didn't even get to take her out for the drink I promised, the bar trip I'd been looking forward to for so many years, because she had to go hang out with her friends. Par for the course. I realize now that was really more of a promise to myself than to her. God. Susan was right about that, too. I really am a selfish bastard. All I ever really wanted, was for me, for my own pleasure.

Well, I'm pleased to prove her right. My last wish. My last thing I've ever wanted, my last hope for myself, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to give it to myself. It's just taken me a while to figure out how to get it. But tonight, after that little scene at the old mall, it came into view, the whole thing, it just suddenly crystalized, and now I know how I'm going to do it. Now I know how I'm going to kill myself.

Starvation. I'm going to starve myself to death. It's going to take months, but that's part of the beauty of it. I don't want anybody saying I did it in a fit of despair, that it was an act of passion, that if I had just taken a little more time to think it through, I wouldn't have done it. When I finally die, months and months from now, they'll have to understand. They'll have to see that it was the action of someone who was dedicated and passionless, a rational plan, rationally thought through.

I really have those girls to thank for it. I hope I get the chance to see them again, to thank them in person, some fine day before I finally expire. If it hadn't been for their casual cruelty, I wouldn't have started down this path. It was in the terraced, carpeted conversation pit at the old mall, under the giant wooden clock. I had gone there to sit in isolation, to have a good cry and think about how much I hate life. That section of the old mall is deserted these days; I can usually count on solitude in that wing. But they were there before me, sitting on the other side of the pit, laughing and giggling and generally enjoying the delusion that life is worth living. I would have gone somewhere else, but I was so depressed I didn't even care anymore. So I just sat down there to bury my head in my hands and think about ways to end it. I could see they kept looking over at me and that I seemed to be a source of great amusement to them. It was when one of the blondes shoved the brunette down the steps in my direction and shouted across at me, "Hey, she wants to go out with you! She thinks you're cute!" and the brunette hurried back up the steps and slapped the blonde on the shoulder and hissed at her. I tried to ignore them, but the blonde wouldn't give it up. She had to have her cruel laugh on me, she just kept whistling at me and yelling, "Hey! Hey, she thinks you're cute! Don't you want to ask her out?" and then collapsing in a fit of giggling and mockery. When they finally gave it up and walked away, I could clearly hear them telling each other what a fat loser I am. I know I heard the word "fat" several times, and I was pretty sure one of the blondes said something like "pathetic turd".

So that's how I decided on starvation. As they were walking away, the only response I could think of was, "I'm sure it would please you if I starved to death, you miserable little cunt." Of course I was too much of a coward to say it out loud, but once the thought was in my head, I just kept turning it over and over until it detached itself and became not just a retort but an actual plan that I could carry out. It's slow but sure, and it takes a lot of pressure off me. I don't have to worry about getting my hands on a gun or poison or anything like that, I don't have to find a bridge to jump off of, all I have to do is just keep living my pathetic miserable mistake of a life until I stop breathing. It might be hard to start with, since eating is about the only real pleasure left for me; but if I can just stick it out, I'll probably find that the pleasure of ending it all will prove a worthwhile substitute. My only regret is that I can't take everybody else with me. Why can't the sun just explode? I wish the world would just fucking end.

2/14

Valentine's day is such a LIE. Romance is a big bogus load of CRAP to sell candy and flowers and SHIT. Any shallow silly stupid vain girl who thinks otherwise is fooling herself. Jimmy Vinson proved that to me. Come on baby, he said. Everybody does it, he said. It's the best way I know to show how much I care about you, he said. God damn him. I let him stick his stupid thing in me cuz I thought he was so romantic. He brought me flowers on the first date and earrings on the second date, and on the third date I let him stick his STUPID GODDAMN MEATSTICK in me. He didn't even apologize for hurting me and making it so sore down there, but I didn't mind because I thought he was so SWEET. The next half dozen times he FUCKED me weren't even dates, it was just under the bleachers or behind the Driver's Ed trailer or in the back of his stupid pickup. And then he FUCKED me on my birthday, my GODDAMN SWEET SIXTEENTH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, and then just took off when he was done, just hiked up his stupid goddamn pants and left me laying there on my bed with his stupid goddamn sticky MESS leaking out of me, and when I told him I missed my period and I was scared of being preggers, that was the last GODDAMN TIME HE HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. He's been going out with Annie Ivo since then, and he never returned any of my calls and he won't even look at me in the halls at school anymore. And even when I gave up trying to talk to him and all I wanted to tell him was that I finally got my period, he still wouldn't even look at me or listen to me. GOD DAMN FUCK HIM ALL TO HELL. GOD DAMN BOYS and GOD DAMN SEX FUCKING and GOD DAMN ROMANCE STUPID FUCKED UP BULLSHIT LYING ROMANCE BULLSHIT!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

So I was in a totally shit mood when Jamie and PJ wanted to go to Rings-n-Things at the Galleria today. PJ was looking for heart shaped nipple rings to go in her pierced nipples cuz Alan Barnett asked her out tonight and she was all, "He's so awesome" and "I think he's gonna try and do it tonight" and just cuz it's FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY she was all fluttery and googly. They're such airheads. They think they're so hot but most of the time they act like such stuck up little bimbos. I wonder why I hang out with them, I really do. Cuz I don't have anybody else, I spose. Cuz I'm ALL A-FUCKING-LONE.

Like that one guy we saw today. God, I hope I don't turn out like him, sitting all alone and crying. What am I talking about, that's exactly what I'm doing right now. God damn it. After PJ got her stupid little rainbow heart ring shit and we got sodas at the food court, she wanted to go sit under the big clock on the other side of the mall, the creepy side with all the closed up stores where nobody ever goes anymore, cuz she wanted to put the nipple rings on right away and she didn't want to go in the disgusting mall bathroom to do it. So we went over there, and like usual, nobody else was around, so she had Jamie and me keep watch to make sure nobody was coming, and she unbuttoned her shirt and unhooked her bra and and after she got them put in, they did look pretty cool, but it was HEARTS, little sparkly RAINBOW HEARTS, on GODDAMN VALENTINE'S DAY, so FUCK IT anyway. Anyway, after she got them in and got her bra and shirt back on again, we were just sitting there, and this guy comes in and sits down on the other side of the clock from us. He was dressed like he just came from work or something, he had this black coat on that was almost kinda cool, like a trenchcoat or something, and he just looked us at kinda funny, and then he sat down and put his head in his hands and just sat there and didn't look at us again. He was old, older than dad even, like maybe 50 or something, and he was big, real big, even fat I guess, but that's mean to say, and he seemed so sad, he might have even been crying, I couldn't tell for sure, but his face did look kinda wet. And I just got this heavy feeling in my chest, kinda like a heartache or something, and my throat got kinda heavy, like my heart was trying to climb up in it or something, and all of a sudden I was real sad for him, cuz he looked so sad and like he was crying maybe. Big fucking mistake. Jamie and PJ both picked up on it and started giving me all kinds of shit, like pushing my shoulders and taunting me, saying I was gross for getting all mooshy and like what the fuck was wrong with me, was I fucking crazy or what, and I tried to explain that I just felt sorry for this guy, and they were like, "that old fat dude, oh my GOD SICK you are so SICK", riffing on me and teasing me, except meaner than teasing, they kept saying shit like I should go over and ask him for a date, and making fun of how fat he was and saying he probably had a tiny little dick and couldn't get anybody to fuck him, and Jamie, that little BITCH, started in on how since I didn't have a boyfriend since I dumped Jimmy (how could she say that, the heartless little BITCH), that I should go over and talk to him and see if I could get him excited, and then she pushed me down the steps at him and started shouting at him that I wanted to go out on a date with him. I was so pissed that I just walked away, in the opposite direction of the fat guy ... I mean, the old guy ... I mean, the guy ... God damn it. Damn those idiots. Now it's 11 o'clock on Valentine's night and PJ's probably getting her rainbowy hearty tits fucked by goddamn Alan and Jamie's probably sucking off the whole goddamn football team and here I am laying on my bed and crying and all I can think about is that old guy crying. God damn everybody. I wish the world would just fucking end.

2/26

So dad said I have to start thinking about college more. He said it's almost too late, that I shoulda started thinking about it last year. Of course, when he says "thinking about college", what he really means is "stashing as much cash as I can cuz he's not gonna be able to pay for any of it for me". Which is cool, I understand, I really do, but I wish he could just come right out and say it. I know we're hurting for cash. I know he's upset all the time about money since his hours got cut back at work. He's so sad and tired anymore, he just sits in his study all the time and looks at bills and stares out the window. And I thought about Jamie getting that job at her uncle's carpet cleaning company, and how unfair it was, cuz she didn't need to even try, like all she had to do was ask her uncle, and presto! she had the job, like it was just there waiting for her. Or like he maybe even just invented the job out of thin air just to have a job to give her. And I have to listen to her talk it up, just laying it on thick about how she doesn't have to do any real work, all she has to do is take papers from the installers when they come in from laying carpet and scan 'em into the computer and then file the papers away in these big gray filing cabinets. Of course she says "laying carpet" like she's telling some big goddamn joke, like all these guys do when they go out on jobs is fuck lonely housewives or something, and I asked her how many times they'd laid her carpet, and she got real quiet and wouldn't talk anymore about it. So I don't know what the fuck's up with that, she probably is getting groped and fingered and FUCKED by greasy sweaty smelly guys in overalls, but you know what? I don't give a good God damn. I don't wanna know.

So anyway I went down to Sav-Rite, and the help wanted sign that they had up last week wasn't up there anymore, but I went to the front desk and applied anyway, and I almost got out of there before some manager came up and put his arm around me (YUCK!) and took me in a back room and leaned in real close (YUCK! YUCK!) and breathed his horrible salami breath all over me (YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!) and asked me about a zillion questions like, what would I do if a customer got real mad at me, and how would I handle it if a customer insisted an item was on sale when it really wasn't, and did I mind working the crap shifts, like until 2 AM on a school night, just a bunch of shit like that. And I must have answered everything the right way, cuz he handed me a shirt and said to come in the next day to start training and he'd have a name tag ready for me. So I went home and told dad, and he was so proud of me and pulled me on his lap and hugged me real close and called me his poopsiekins like he used to do when I was a little girl, and he even cried a little bit. I think he must of been drinking, I could smell like beer or something on his breath, but I didn't mind, cuz God, it felt so nice, just so warm and fuzzy when I was in his arms, it's been soooo long since he hugged me, for a few minutes there I really was his little poopsiekins again, and I started to cry a little bit myself, but then it was over and he was off in his own world again. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

3/2

Working at Sav-Rite sucks ASS!!! The manager is Mr. Slubotkin. He told me to call him Gary, but no way am I getting that familiar with his sorry greasy ass. He had me shadow one of the other checkers, it was this older lady named Helena, she was like 30 or something but she's real pretty and real nice, she smelled good too, she took her time and made sure I understood everything she was doing, and I was picking it up pretty good, so then Slubotkin came over and said he thought I was ready to go on my own already, and he leaned in real close and his hand was all over my back, like rubbing up and down, and then he had his hand on my shoulder, like he thought he had to guide me around or something, and I could see his disgusting THING sticking out in his pants and I was like, OMG, so fucking GROSS, this nozzle wants to FUCK me, but after he got me checked out with a cash drawer and set up on my own register, Helena came over and she was laughing kinda quietly and she told me not to worry, he does that with all the new ones. She said his bark is worse than his bite, he doesn't even have a bite, he's just horny all the time but he never does anything about it, so don't worry, just grit my teeth and smile. She's so nice, she's the only nice part of the entire place. So then I was on my own checking for the rest of the day, and it was okay for the most part, but I kept running into stuff I didn't know, like what's the code for red grapes and how do you get the scanner to read those wrinkled up wrappers on Choco-zooms and just shit like that, and I kept turning around to ask Helena, but half the time she was busy with stuff, and people get so impatient when you don't know what you're doing, they huff and puff and look crosseyed at you and I felt so stupid and it just sucks ASS. And Slubotkin kept coming over and coaching me, telling me how to do it, but half the time he said stuff that was different than what Helena said, I think he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does, and he just stands so goddamn CLOSE, I swear he was sniffing my hair, and he had his hand on my waist, and then on my hip, and one time I swear I even felt his stiff weiner poking me in the butt, I almost SCREAMED, but I thought about dad sitting at home buried in bills, and I gritted my teeth like Helena said and I tried to smile at him, and thank GOD he finally went away. There's gotta be a better way to make money than this shit.

3 Mar

Duane. My best friend, my hetero life partner. Why can't I make him understand? Why can't I get him to see that I deserve this shit? I told him about my plan to starve myself to death, and he at least understood my death wish. I knew he wouldn't fight me over that. But he thinks I'm doing it for the wrong reason. He puts all the blame on Susan. All he can see is that I allowed Susan to run me into the ground, to grind me under her heel until there was nothing left. He even offered to kill her for me, to release me from my servitude. It was an offer made in jest, I'm sure, but since he's a cop, I couldn't help but feel a little chilled by it. He can't understand why I've stayed in this loveless marriage. He can't understand that I deserve all this misery and loneliness because of what I did to Liz.

Liz. I'm so sorry, angelic creature. So, so sorry. You wanted the baby so bad, and I couldn't understand it at the time. I was so blind, so ignorant. All the time I tried to talk you into wanting the abortion, tried to talk you into not wanting the baby, and all you could do was talk about how smart you thought the baby was going to be, because it was my baby. You thought I was smart. If I was so smart, then why did I try to strongarm you into aborting the only thing that gave you any joy in life after I turned so savagely on you?

It was nice to see Duane again, anyway. It's been so long. God almighty, has it really been five years since we sat down over pizza and beer like we did last night? I wish I hadn't let him guilt me into eating that slice of pepperoni. My body was finally starting to settle into the prolonged fast. Funny, I've actually had more energy and felt a lot stronger in the last few days. I suppose it was a natural result of cleaning most of the crap out of my system, but now that that's out of the way, I can get down to the business of actually starving myself to death. If only I hadn't slipped and eaten that damned pizza with Duane last night. God, it tasted so good going down, like manna from Heaven, I couldn't help myself and I ate a second piece without even thinking about it. Afterward I was so bloated and stuffed I felt like I was going to explode.

Hmmm. Maybe that's a quicker way out. Maybe if I starve enough to shrink my belly, I mean just really shrivel it down, then sit down and eat a five-course Italian dinner in five minutes, I could make my stomach literally explode ... no, that sounds painful, and I'm not in this for the pain. I'm just a big damn coward who wants to exit as cleanly and PAINLESSLY as I can. Best stick to the original plan.

Lacie came home from college again this weekend. Third time this semester. "Here's my laundry dad, see you later, going out with the girls tonight." And like the good little milktoast I am, I dutifully loaded the washer. She's got some new underwear since the last time, little frilly black things with some lime green cartoon character on the crotch. Looks like a dog with a zipper down his front, riding a pig and eating a cupcake. What the hell.

Susan sent me to Sav-Rite tonight for hamburger and taco seasoning and taco shells and shredded cheese. She thinks that after I cooked the food and brought her a plate in bed like usual, that I ate alone in the kitchen, like I have so many many many nights in the past. She hasn't realized it yet, she hasn't seen that I've stopped eating altogether. How unutterably typical.

There's a new checkout girl at Sav-Rite. Looks a little familiar, somehow, like I've seen her somewhere before. She's not one of Lacie's friends, I'm sure of that. Nametag said Barb. She's got brown hair and brown eyes and a smile that rides up a little higher on one side of her face than the other. Adorable, really. Why does she seem familiar? Maybe it's just because she's so cute, in a real off-the-wall sort of way, and I'm having one of my usual self-deluding fantasies. I even took off my ring before I got to the register. Now why in the hell would I do that? It was a pretty simple exchange, the total was $9.23 so I handed her a twenty, and she was flustered, nervous, she kept dropping the change, she had to bend over to pick it up off the floor, and God help me, I leaned over to look at her backside when she did. I could see the outline of her panties through her pants and it made me wonder if there was a cartoon character on the front, and suddenly I wanted to see for myself, I wanted to pull her pants down and take a good long look, before I caught up short and gave myself a mental slap to the face.

Jesus. What the hell am I thinking? What in the hell is wrong with me? I don't care for young girls. I'm not a dirty old man. Am I? I don't even care for females, period. I'm done with desire and pain and longing and regret and all that noise, remember? All I care about is checking out, leaving this vale of tears behind me.

3/3

OMG. Worst. Day. Ever. So that ASSCLOWN Mr. Stettler makes me stay after class for 15 minutes to do extra credit to make up for the paper I turned in too late, I begged him could I do it some other day but he said no, this was the only time he had available, so I missed the bus after school. So then I called PJ to see if she could give me a ride, and she was super bitchy about it, she came and picked me up but I had to listen to her moaning and wailing about Alan Barnett, she was so proud of her nipple rings cuz he oohed and aahed over them and she let him titfuck her and he titfucked her like two more times since then and he wanted to fuck her for real and she told him she wasn't ready just yet, but she really did want him to fuck her but she was just trying to get him good and hot, like it was a tease game or something, but it backfired on her cuz he thought he wasn't gonna get to fuck her so he went and fucked that big slut Janelle instead and now she thinks it's the end of the fucking world. Jesus. So after having to listen to that steaming pile of drama, then I was late to work at Sav-Rite, and that fucking ASSHOLE Slubotkin comes over and says he wants to make sure I know that even though I was 22 minutes late, he has to dock me the whole half-hour cuz that's the way the system works, and he hopes I know that I need to be on time from now on, but not to worry, he's not mad or anything, and I swear to god the STUPID FUCK TRIED TO HUG ME, I mean he put his goddamn arm around me and pulled me in close and squeezed me and I know he was trying to feel my boobs, and he had a GODDAMN HARDON THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME, and I was like JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU GREASY FUCKING ASSCLOWN!!! But I didn't say anything, I just got my cash drawer and went to work. And who do you think shows up in my line? That stupid fucking Jimmy Vinson. And he said he was sorry for dumping me like that and he made a mistake and he wanted me back, but I wouldn't listen to him, I was so pissed that he thought he could just walk right up like that. And he was trying to buy beer, and I was like, ha ha fuck you, and I told him if he thought he could get me to ring up beer for him just cuz I let him fuck me then he had another fucking think coming, and to get the fuck out. And he pulled out this driver's license, it looked fake to me, the DOB/DDN said he turned 18 like 3 months ago, and then that stupid fucker Slubotkin comes over and he's all like, what's the problem, and Jimmy showed him the license, and Slubotkin muscled in and took over my register and rang up his fucking Labatt's and smiled his greasy goddamn smile at Jimmy and said to have a nice day, and he gave me a squeeze on the shoulder before he walked away, and Jimmy took the beer and just looked me up and down and said he still wanted me, but he said it like he was doing me some huge fucking favor, and he shook the beer at me as he was walking out. I was so mad I was shaking all over.

And then HE came in. I was like, OMG, I couldn't believe it. I didn't recognize him at first, but then I recognized the black coat, and then I looked at his face and it was HIM, it was the guy at the Galleria, the old crying guy from Valentine's day. I didn't think he remembered me, but the way he smiled at me, it seemed like maybe he did. And it was such a nice smile, it was kinda sad but it was so warm, he has these little crinkly lines around his eyes that get a lot bigger when he smiles, and he was kinda chubby, but not really fat, and he didn't look so old as I thought before. And he was TALL, I mean he must of been 4 or 5 inches taller than dad, I had to look up at him. And I noticed he wasn't wearing a wedding ring, and then I thought, OMG, what the hell am I doing, looking at this old guy's hand to see if he's married or not, and I got so nervous that I dropped his change, some of it rolled under the checkstand and I had to get down on my hands and knees to dig it out, I must of looked like a FUCKING IDIOT, I felt so stupid, I just wanted to crawl away and disappear, but he was so nice about it, he just smiled even bigger at me, and when I handed him the change, he touched my hand for about a second longer than he really had to. Maybe that part was my imagination, but I could feel the tips of his fingers rubbing against the palm of my hand, almost like romantic or something, and I thought, how nice to be grown up, and not be a fucking stupid little PECKERWOOD like Jimmy. And I almost said something to him, I almost said it was nice to see him smiling and not crying and I was glad that whatever made him so sad wasn't making him sad anymore, and I did, I started to blurt it out, but I chickened out at the last second and changed it to "have a nice day", and he smiled even bigger when I did, and he said, "I will if you will," and he FUCKING WINKED AT ME!!! And my heart was going like a mile a minute, cuz he was so nice, he wasn't an ASSHOLE like Jimmy or Mr. Stettler or FUCKING GODDAMN SLUBOTKIN, and it was like, maybe there really are nice guys in the world, only why did he have to be so OLD?

7 Mar

Okay, so obviously I didn't think this all the way through. Wow, that's a shock; me just jumping ass-over-teakettle into a situation and not having any idea of the ramifications. That's never happened to me before, only about a million times, it's only my damn life story. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to stick with it. I just have to amend my expectations and my attack.

For one thing, Susan has finally noticed. Well, she hasn't noticed that I've stopped eating, per se; but she has remarked that it looks like I'm losing weight. Of course, starvation never even crossed her mind as a reason, all she knows is that my face looks thinner. She asked if I was on a specific diet. I knew I'd be safe telling her it was the Bobby Sands diet, so I did. She doesn't remember who Bobby Sands was. Nobody does. One of the things that's always separated us; my penchant for remembering obscure, useless trivia that makes no difference to anybody and has no impact on anybody's life. Maybe she would have caught on if I'd said it was the Ghandi diet. No, of course not, she wouldn't have been an iota closer to getting that one either. I almost laughed in her face when she said it's been good for me and that I should keep it up. She didn't have a damn clue what she was saying, telling me to keep starving myself to death. Ha.

I know Susan won't miss me when I'm gone. She'll miss her status as a married woman, she'll probably resent her status as a widow; she'll miss me as the live-in cook and housekeeper and launderer, but the MAN? The real human being that I think of as ME? She won't miss me at all. She doesn't even know I'm there now, so there'll be nothing to miss once I'm gone; nothing of the hopes and dreams and disappointments and lusts and loves and desires and regrets and fears and plans and schemes ... John won't miss me, he hasn't had any use for me since high school. When I co-signed on his car loan; that's the last time I can point to where he had any need for me at all. Lacie ... well, she might miss me, but I have to think it will be more like the regret of someone who sells their childhood stuffed animals by mistake at a garage sale; there will probably be a few pangs of regret, of nostalgia for past times, but I can't seriously think that my absence will in any way impede her daily progress. She's got her life set the way she wants it, and it hasn't included me for a while now. Duane ... he might miss me, but I doubt it. Except for that outing a few nights ago, it's been literally years between run-ins with him. He's got his own life, that he values as little as I value mine. Good old Duane; I knew he wouldn't try to talk me out of it. Him, I would stick around for. If, by some miracle, Susan suddenly changed her mind and decided he wasn't an asshole and said it was okay for me to spend time with him; him, I would stick around for.