Chapter 25

"I talked to Lisa last night," Tanya said, sitting down to the table next to Vanessa. "She wants to start you training..."

"To become a Phoenix?" Vanessa interrupted, her eyes wide open with excitement. "Wow! That's more than I'd even imagined!"

"Well, you're a powerful Empath and there's nothing that attracts Lisa more than a mind with a lot of voltage," Tanya told her, "but there are some issues to be dealt with first."

"Like what?" Vanessa wanted to know. "I'm ready – I can drop everything right now and go!"

"That's what I mean, honey," Tanya replied, looking at the girl. "You're ready to drop everything – leave everything behind..."

"Yeah, so?" Vanessa asked, sounding defensive now. "I haven't got anything to lose, have I? It's not like I'm leaving anything behind! Everything's all ahead of me, now!"

"That's exactly the point," Tanya said. "Training to become a Phoenix doesn't involve leaving anyone behind. In fact, you should look forward to reconciling with anyone who can upset you enough to affect your training."

"What do you mean?" Vanessa asked. "There isn't anyone I need to reconcile ... Oh." Vanessa frowned as she thought for a moment. "There isn't anyone I want to reconcile with. That person can't affect me anymore."

"You can't close yourself off and expect to succeed in your training," Tanya told her, speaking softly and endearingly as she could. "Your heart needs to be open – free of pain and willing to experience anything."

"And you think I can't do that?" Vanessa growled, her mood ruined along with her appetite. "Have a free and happy heart that embraces the world? Well, you may be right, but I won't let you judge me! I'll either succeed or I'll fail – on my own merits!"

"There are no failures," Tanya told her. "There are, however, different levels of success, mostly depending on your goals – what you want to accomplish from your training."

"My training?" Vanessa asked, a sad smile on her face. "I need training in something – I just wish I knew what. I don't think Phoenix training is it. There aren't any textbooks that teach what I wish I knew!"

"Sweetie," Tanya said, smiling at her, "I'm two hundred years old, and I still don't know what I wish I knew – what I need to know so I can make things okay for everybody, including me. Darling Lisa thinks she knows all the answers, but she's as tormented and uncertain as the rest of us. She's taken it upon herself to save us all, and she's not sure she can. But she's trying."

"Very," Vanessa said, then remained silent as she picked at her food.

Tony and Frank had taken their food into the lounge, where Tia and Tara were playing a board game, and Vanessa listened as the idle chatter of the others gently filled the hall. She was able to tell from the teasing conversation that the twins were naked – the usual state of Phoenix girls and goddesses in their hedonistic little world.

Goddesses and Phoenix girls – perfect specimens of female ... everything! The guys always lust after the physically perfect goddesses and even frequent their temples to satisfy that lust. In that manner, sexual tension is bled off from the society in general – except where it affects the occasional female, neglected because 'her' guy has the hots for some goddess.

But, the goddesses themselves have a feel for that sort of problem, and after a visit or two to a temple, a man would usually return home to his own woman, more loving and considerate now that any negative aspects of his sexual proclivities had been drained off, the goddess having drawn out his darker aspirations and drained them from him in her quest for ultimate sexual sensation.

Phoenix girls went even further – allowing themselves to be killed and often killing each other to reach impossible heights of hedonistic pleasure. But Phoenix girls weren't available to the general population and tended to keep themselves separate except for those few males with whom some were paired. Their chosen partners, while willing to kill, were not psychopathic in any way, preferring to kill their chosen mates with loving kindness.

"Tanya," Vanessa suddenly said, looking small and embarrassed. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

Tanya nearly choked on the soft, sugary twig she was sucking sap from and quickly put it down before she spewed it across the room. "Of course you are!" she said, certain that she sounded like she was telling the biggest lie of her life. "You're beautiful!"

"You said Lisa wants me," Vanessa replied, her logic unclear as Tanya waited for her to say more.

"Yes..."

"But not because I'm pretty," Vanessa continued. "When someone says to me that I'm pretty, it means they want me. But when I give myself..." Vanessa sighed, her breath ragged and uneven as she fiercely fought to keep her flaring emotions in check.

"There is something about me," she said after a moment, "that isn't pretty. And when I let someone get close enough, they find it ... and they leave me!"

"Leaving you has nothing to do with your beauty or your ugliness," Tanya insisted. "But it says a lot about the ugliness in the soul of the person who abandons you!"

"Huh! What do you know?" Vanessa grumbled, not wanting to follow this line of logic, knowing for certain that some vital character flaw in herself was what caused people she loved to desert her – to leave her behind – and alone.

"I know that people will say things and act out great pretenses in order to get what they desire from another," Tanya told her. "I also know that people perceive things that seem aimed directly at them and intended to cause great personal harm, and those things or actions can be completely false, unintended injuries."

"But when you walk in and she's wrapped around some strange girl..." Vanessa wailed, unwilling to hear some feeble excuse that would clear her Jessie of any wrongdoing, yet desperately wanting to hear exactly that.

"Vanessa," Tanya said insistently. "I'm not trying to say what's right or wrong. I'm simply talking about listening, and understanding. I don't know what happened, but since you got here you've been broadcasting all over the place. You are a powerful Empath, and you weren't like this the other times you've been here."

Vanessa looked up at Tanya, bewildered and upset that she was causing such a fuss. "I'm sorry. I didn't know..."

"That's alright," Tanya said, anxious to continue in order to avoid any future conflict. "But we need to handle whatever happened that is causing all this upset."

"If you want, I can go back to University..." Vanessa said as she rose from her chair, still completely unwilling to 'handle' anything!

"Stop that!" Tanya insisted, reaching out and touching Vanessa's arm. "I don't want you to leave! Don't you see that it's like running away? Don't run from me, Vanessa – please? I want to help you work this out. I want to see you happy."

Vanessa stared at Tanya for a moment, unable to keep the tears from springing to her eyes and down her cheeks. "I love you," Vanessa whimpered, "I realized that last night when we were together. I'll stay – but only because you asked me to. But if you treat me like all the others – I'll die. This time, I'll die for sure."

"It's not just me you love, darling," Tanya whispered, hugging her close. "Your empathic abilities let you see into the souls of the people you meet. And there is something to love about everyone."

Vanessa drew back, not knowing if she was, yet again, being rejected for caring too much. She waited and watched beautiful, ageless Tanya and quietly sniffed at tears that insisted on running down inside her nose. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, she forced her emotions down from a heavy boil to a steaming simmer.

"So," she began, "do you love everyone?"

Tanya smiled, realizing she had this girl's trust, now. "In a way, perhaps," she said, "but I'm not an Empath. I can mind-link if I work at it and if I really like the other person, but I have a..."

She stopped for a moment, then continued, "You know, I know someone who can help you learn how to shield yourself..."

"You're giving me away," Vanessa interrupted, her voice quiet and steady, "handing me off to someone else. I can see what you're thinking. Do you think she'll appreciate me? What I can offer?"

"Please, Vanessa," Tanya pleaded. "I love you too much to foist you off onto some uncaring busybody! This girl is like my own daughter, and I'd trust her with my life – with my happiness, if need be. I just want you to meet her. Please? For me?"

Tanya hated the argument she was using to convince Vanessa to comply with her wishes. But Vanessa bared her soul to everyone she fell in love with, and she was constantly rejected because she loved too much! And now, Tanya was using Vanessa's professed love for her to get her to do something. She felt dirty inside, even though Vanessa could only benefit from meeting the most powerful Empath in their little world – Tabatha Hedron.