Chapter 1

"You need to go to the Mountain of Monsters. The princess is being held on the hundredth floor by a..." The barkeep paused for dramatic effect. " ... dragon."

"A dragon, huh?" Ian Jackson said.

The barkeep nodded, his expression grave.

He must have fallen into a really old game, Jackson thought. Everything around him seemed a little blocky, as if the resolution had been turned down low. It was too bright and colourful. He was standing in what should be a dingy pub and it was so bright he practically needed shades. No realism at all.

Which was to be expected, given that this was a computer game and all that. Jackson couldn't remember how it had happened, but he'd been sucked into his computer. Now he was trapped, forced to play out one random game after another in a futile hope of finding the exit to the real world.

If Jeff Bridges showed up he was so bottling that fucker.

"You'd think they'd come up with something more original," Jackson said.

The barkeep stared at him and blinked round, owlish eyes as Jackson took a sip of his beer. Jackson immediately regretted it. Whatever was in the mug wasn't beer, or even vaguely alcoholic. It tasted like someone had melted a toffee apple into a glass and thrown in a few spoonfuls of sugar for good measure.

"I mean, dragon. Come on," Jackson said.

"It is a fearsome beast," the barkeep said.

"I don't doubt it is," Jackson said. "At least until it comes back later in the game with a dye job and new role of generic wandering mook."

The barkeep looked at him blankly.

It did seem a little early to throw a dragon at him. He'd only just arrived in this game world. Big critters like dragons didn't normally show up until later. That was assuming this was an RPG. The game did seem a little primitive.

Slay the dragon, rescue the princess. Maybe that was the whole game.

"So this princess, where is she princess of?" Jackson asked.

The barkeep looked at him blankly.

"I mean she has to be princess of somewhere."

The barkeep blinked. He said nothing.

"Country?" Jackson asked. "Which country is she princess of? Who's the king ... queen? Where's their palace?"

"She is a princess," the barkeep stated as if that was answer enough.

And it probably was. The princess might as well have been an inanimate chest of treasure for all the difference she made to the plot.

"Okay, so where is this..." he sighed, " ... Mountain of Monsters."

"It's right outside the village," the barkeep said, clearly happy to be on more familiar ground. "To the south."

Yeah, right, because when settling a new village the perfect place to locate it was right next to somewhere called the 'Mountain of Monsters', Jackson thought as he left the sorry collection of huts behind.

Hi, welcome to the village of Dullasshit. To the north, east and west are miles of lovely rolling countryside. To the south is the Mountain of Monsters, complete with terrifying fire-breathing dragon.