Day 101

I slept late and had to rush to get ready for class. John ambushed me with kisses at different times while I showered and dressed, which kept me laughing all morning. It felt almost normal. He even made me some toast and coffee to eat quickly before dashing off for the bus.

I realized I wasn't afraid anymore on the bus ride to school. John's parents knew. Mom knew. All the anxiety I'd felt about people finding out seemed to have melted away overnight. I was in a relationship with two people I loved, and I really, truly didn't care who knew anymore. It was absolutely freeing to feel this way.

I practically skipped through campus on my way to class. Just twenty-four hours earlier I had been terrified. Now I felt bold, brave, and beautiful. Even if people were ugly towards me, they couldn't make me feel ugly anymore.

I smiled and nodded to people who glanced my way. In classes I took good notes and even updated the previous days notes to bring them up to my standards. Some people were glancing at me and whispering, but I put them out of my mind. I loved and was loved in return. That was enough for me.

At lunch I ventured out to the coffee shop again, hoping I might find Kendra there. As I walked past the library, a couple in the shadows near the side entrance caught my attention. I realized that Kendra and Monica were standing close together in the doorway. Then Monica tentatively leaned in and kissed Kendra on her lips.

My jaw dropped open as I realized what must have happened the night before. I kept walking to avoid drawing attention to them, but had to cover my mouth to stifle my giggles. Love was in the air!

I was still smiling as I ordered my lunch. I saw Kendra come in looking more than a little frazzled and waved her over.

"Lunch on me today," I said with a grin.

"Thanks."

"You looked a little shagged out. Are you OK?"

"Let me get some coffee in me first. It's been a long night."

I opted for a tuna salad sandwich and got a hot, black tea. Kendra got a black coffee and a sausage biscuit. I led us to a table in the back where we could talk privately.

"So," I said, unable to keep the grin off my face.

Kendra frowned and shook her head. "Some things never work out quite like you plan them. So you know I didn't like Monica."

"Didn't?"

She took a sip of her coffee. "I haven't been to sleep yet."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I've known her for years. Been in classes together, done church things. She's been a real bitch to me, especially after I came out."

"So what happened?"

"I was driving her home. She was wasted. She started telling me how much she envied me. About how brave she thought I was for accepting who I was without compromising my faith. Then she confessed that she had impure thoughts about me."

"Oh, Kendra."

"Yeah, well, I was horny and angry at the world. She was leaning against my shoulder, so I kissed her on her forehead. She asked if I thought she was pretty. I told her yes, I thought she was pretty, just a little bitchy sometimes. Then she kissed me back."

I was shocked and fascinated all at once, and realized I hadn't eaten a bite of lunch since she started talking. "What happened then?"

"We were at a stop light. Left went to her place. She still lives with her parents. Right went to my apartment. So I asked her, left or right? She seemed to understand what I was asking. She looked me in the eyes and picked right."

"I don't know what to say. Are you ... I mean..."

"It's fine. I'm weirded out by this, too. Believe me, for all my talk of sexual adventures with Jules, I'm really pretty tame. I've only been with four women in my life. Well, five now. Fuck me."

She pinched her lips together to hold back her tears. I took her hand and held on tight. "Talk to me. No judgement. You've listened to me whine enough this week about my life."

"Actually, it was really sweet. She'd never been with anyone before, male or female. We took it slow, but she didn't need much encouragement. After the first time, we ended up talking most of the night. She is really conflicted about it. At one point she had a panic attack because she thought she wasn't a virgin anymore. That made me laugh and I reassured her that technically we're both still virgins."

"I can understand her confusion about it. I guess I never really thought about it before."

"Her mom called her cell phone about 5:00 AM in a panic. I've got my cheek resting on her stomach while she apologizes for not calling earlier and tells her Mom that she's staying with her friend Kendra. She's got these big tears rolling down her face and she keeps running her fingers through my hair, but you'd never know it from her voice. She said it's the first lie she's told her mom in years. I have a feeling it won't be her last."

"That's so sad."

"It really is. I've never dated anyone who was still in the closet."

"So you're dating then?"

She sighed. "We decided to try. I told her about my unrequited love. She told me how lonely she's been. The men she's dated never sparked anything with her, big surprise. She remembered that mission trip I told you about a little differently than me. From her perspective I was an evil temptress. She said I kept doing little things to draw her attention and made her think dirty thought about me."

"That's funny."

"She laughed when I told her what you said about it being like fifth grade all over again. She is so different with her guard down. I think a big part of why she's so abrasive is to push people away. If no one wants to be close to you, you can't get hurt."

"True."

"Did you know she was in the hospital with Jules because of substance abuse?"

"Shit! I didn't know. I feel terrible serving her now."

"I didn't know either, don't feel bad. She decided to fall off the wagon last night because she was lonely. She had never been to the bar before, but remembered Jules mentioning it in the hospital. She was shocked to find you there and was struck by how happy you seemed."

"I was happy because we came out to our families about our relationship yesterday just before work. We kind of had to because of the rumors she started. We've decided to come out together publicly if Jules gets released on Saturday."

"I'm happy for you." She frowned and looked away.

"I didn't mean to change the subject. I just meant I was happy for a good reason."

"She was jealous of you. She was under the impression that you and Jules had been lovers for years. I don't know how she came up with the idea that John stole Jules from you. Anyway, when John came in, you lit up like fireworks and that was when she slammed my gin and tonic. She kept looking over at y'all and gritting her teeth. She said she was going to the restroom, but I knew there was going to be trouble when she stopped to talk to you."

"So what did she say after I straightened her out?"

"When I got her in the car with her later, she was complaining how unfair it was that she couldn't find anyone and Jules got to love two people. I had to laugh about that myself. Anyway, after her mother called this morning, Monica completely broke down."

She kept wiping her nose so handed her a clean tissue from my bag. "Here."

"Thanks. She started crying and asking me why I was being nice to her, what was going to happen now that she knew what she was, how could she face her family and her friends at church. I let her run herself down and just held her. When she calmed down, I kept whispering it was going to be fine, that I was her friend no matter what, that she could stay with me for a while if she wanted." Kendra wiped her eyes and nose.

"That's heartbreaking."

"She was really scared about the church stuff. Her family goes to a strict Particular Baptist Church. It has all kinds of questionable practices like shunning and public confession. I told her that she could come with me to my nice Episcopal Church. That I have lots of friends who would love to meet her. She kept coming back to the sex between us being a sin, so I explained how I see things. She wasn't really ready to discuss theology this morning, but it calmed her down enough for me to pray with her about it." Kendra laughed and blew her nose. "There we were, two naked girls kneeling beside my bed, asking God for help."

"What a mess, Kendra, I'm so sorry." I had to wipe my eyes.

"It's alright. There's something small between us already, I can feel it. She needs to get through this for her own sanity. And as crazy at it sounds I need it, too."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you before that I feel called to help people who struggle with same sex attraction. This is the first time I've been there for someone when it really mattered. She is struggling more than anyone I've ever met. She's absolutely miserable and terrified by her own sexuality. And I think I can help her."

"You are so wonderful." I was crying at her story, at her willingness to help someone like Monica, someone like me.

She smiled sadly and stared down into her lap. "Did you ever want a special gift for Christmas?" She sniffed hard and wiped her nose.

"Yes, of course." I thought of the gift John gave me with a smile.

"You know how you couldn't always figure out what was under the wrapping paper on most of your gifts, but if it was that special gift you knew it's size, it's weight, the sound it made if you shook it?" She looked into my eyes with an unreadable expression. "No matter how it was wrapped, you knew it was the one the instant you saw it and held it."

"Yes."

"I'm luckier than most people. I got to see my special gift." She began crying harder. I leaned over and pulled her into my arms. She wept on my shoulder and I soothed her while the other customers politely ignored us. I was confused by what she said, but it was obviously something significant for her.

After a long moment she whispered, "I need to go." She pulled back and wiped her eyes.

"Can I do anything for you? I don't understand what you meant, but you seem so raw right now."

Kendra paused as she picked up her things to look at me. "No. If I don't see you before Saturday, tell Jules I said ... tell her I am happy for her." She walked away wiping her eyes and I realized I had no appetite for the uneaten sandwich in my plate.

I thought about what Kendra had told me on the bus home, and puzzled at the riddle she ended with. I eventually tried to put it out of my mind, but it kept pulling at my thoughts.

The bus stopped next to the shopping center near our apartment and I remembered John asked me to pick up some things from the drug store. I grinned to myself as I got out to go shopping for our quiet afternoon together.

I found the items I needed and browsed around the adult section looking at the different lotions, oils, and toys. They all seemed interesting and exciting, but I reminded myself we were saving for our move. I was certain we could find creative ways to entertain ourselves with what we had on hand.

When I was paying for our items, I saw Jules' mother, Shannon, come into the store with a sour expression on her face. She didn't see me, so I finished paying and quickly left the store. Seeing her brought back some of the panic I'd felt earlier in the week, but it was tempered with anger. When I got outside and turned to walk towards the apartment I heard the sound of a camera shutter clicking fast.

I looked around and saw the reporter from the other night standing next to the open driver's side door of a generic looking sedan. He had a camera with a long lens pointing in my direction. I can't explain what went through my mind in that instant, but the end result was rage. I immediately ran towards the car and my only desire was to break his camera or hurt him in some way.

Sensing my intent, he dropped back into the car, and shut and locked the door. He continued to click away as I shouted and beat the driver's window until I began to feel foolish. I hadn't accomplished anything, but I felt better. I gave the door one last hard kick and turned to walk away.

Shannon had come out of the drug store at some point and was watching my outburst from the sidewalk. I was still angry and not thinking clearly, so I made my way directly towards her. She jingled her keys as she hurried toward her car, trying to press the button to unlock the door before I got to her.

"Shannon!" The stress of the last few days boiled up to the surface as I drew closer. "What's wrong? Got nothing to say to me today?"

"Stay away, Kate! I'm warning you!"

"You can't do anything to me, you bitch. Jules is going to win in court tomorrow and on Saturday we'll be having our coming out party. We both love her and there is nothing you can do about it!"

That seemed to spark something in her and she faced me, her back at her car. "Nothing we can do? You haven't seen what we're going to do at court yet. This is far from over."

"Considering how those the GPS trackers and ugly notes went for you, I suggest you start shopping for makeup and shoes to go with ugly orange jumpsuits."

She looked puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

"Didn't Harris tell you we were the reason he got arrested yesterday? We found the fucking GPS trackers he had placed on our cars and called the police!"

"That was you!" She came at me swinging wildly, so I threw my bag full of books at her head. That slowed her down, but it was the heavy bag of enemas hitting her in the face that finally knocked her on her ass. The plastic bag broke open and the little bottles spilled all over the ground around her.

I heard the snick-snick-snick of the camera from just behind me. When I spun to look, the reporter was bobbing around taking a continuous stream of pictures of the scene. Suddenly my rage was gone and the panic returned in full force. I grabbed my book bag and ran as the sound of the camera and Shannon's shouts faded behind me.

When I came screaming through the door John jumped up from the couch in alarm. "Oh fuck, Oh fuck!" My hands were trembling as I fumbled with the lock and bolt on the apartment door. "Oh John, I fucked up. Shit! Shit! Shit!"

"What happened?"

"Shannon! And the reporter took pictures, but I left the enemas on the ground. She was going to hit me, so I threw my books. I forgot he was there!"

He grabbed me by my arms and looked in my eyes. "Slow down, Kate, slow down. Start at the beginning."

"I got off the bus near the drug store. I bought the cleaning supplies you wanted for today and Saturday, remember? Shannon came in while I was checking out, so I tried to leave before she saw me. That reporter from the other night was in the parking lot and I heard him taking pictures of me as I was leaving. It made me so mad! So I ran at him."

"Oh shit."

"He locked himself in the car before I got there, so I kicked his car door. Shannon saw me when she came out, and I was still mad so I yelled at her, too."

He looked up and sighed. "Deborah is going to lose her fucking mind."

"It gets worse. She threatened me about the court case tomorrow and so I told her we were the reason Harris got arrested. That was when she attacked me. I threw my book bag at her and then hit her with the bag full of enemas.

John sputtered out a laugh at that, but I was in no mood.

"Stop laughing! The reporter got the whole thing on his camera."

He let go and I began to pace around the kitchen, my mind spinning over what had just happened. I heard him talking to Deborah on the phone, trying to relay what I just told him. It sounded even crazier when he said it.

"Deborah is on her way. She said that Shannon or the reporter could probably file assault charges against you. She wants to get your statement and file a report with the police first to get ahead of this thing."

I sat down at the kitchen table and put my head in my hands. "I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen. I just wanted to go to the store."

John sat next to me and rubbed my back until I calmed down. After twenty minutes or so we heard a knock on the door. John went to look through the peep hole. "It's Deborah." He opened the door to let her in.

"Hello, we meet again." She shook John's hand and came to sit across from me at the table.

"I'm so sorry, Deborah. I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Let me get set up and I want you to tell me exactly what happened."

She fired up her laptop, connected a small video camera, and aimed it at me. John sat next to me and held my hand. She typed and clicked around for a bit before asking what the WiFi password was. He told her and she typed some more.

"OK, my name is Deborah Schwartz and I am representing Kate Miller. This is a video deposition of an incident that occurred today, Wednesday, April 10th. Please state your full name and date of birth for the record." She nodded at me.

"Katherine Louise Miller. June 10th, 1992"

"Kate, can you describe the events in question, please."

"I was in the drug store near my apartment. When I left, I saw a man I didn't know taking pictures of me with a professional camera. When I approached him, he hid in his car. I was angry that he was taking pictures of me without my permission, so I kicked his car door. I saw Shannon Adkins watching me when this happened and approached her."

"How do you know Shannon Adkins?"

"She is the mother of my roommate, Jules Adkins."

"What happened when you approached her?"

"We don't get along. The last time we spoke, she told me she was going to have Jules committed to a mental institution. I challenged her to speak to me and told her I believed Jules is going to win the mental health hearing tomorrow."

"What happened then?"

"She told me I hadn't seen what they intended to do yet. I suggested that if it was as done as poorly as the GPS trackers her husband had placed on our vehicles, then I wasn't worried. Then I told her our police report was the reason her husband was arrested yesterday."

Deborah frowned hard and shook her head. "What happened then?"

"She attacked me and tried to hit me. I threw my book bag and shopping bag at her to knock her down. That was when I saw the reporter taking pictures of us. I grabbed my book bag and ran home."