Chapter 5

Grama belched ... not one of your, 'urp' s, nope ... Grannie BELCHED... 'BUUUURRRRPPP!' and daintily patted her lips with her hankie.

"Lou ... magnificent ... you still got it. Hey ... Antonio ... you Lou's kid?"

"Yes, Mrs. Austin."

"Who's your ma?"

"Thelma, Mrs. Austin," Tony said it proudly.

"Thelma? Lou ... you married Thelma Whitaker? You finally made an honest woman outta Thel?"

Grannie was in full spate. The stories she told ... never in my wildest dreams did I think to see old Italian mobsters blush ... but Grans did it. They call it the roaring Twenties ... in 1955 the mob still ran things. History had to wait for the old ones to die before the truth of the Twenties could be published.

I figured things would be out of hand pretty quick.

I was right ... but not exactly like I was expecting...

Navy blue suits and brown shoes ... all over the place.

Why is it? Police Detectives throughout the United States wear Navy and brown ... it must be the class of people that cities hire for protection ... second string football players and classroom bullies. Luigi's mob could provide better protection ... and mostly did.

The cops were pissed ... the only people in the kitchen? Luigi ... Grannie ... Tony ... a dishwasher ... and a thirteen year old kid ... me. Well ... I immediately put my hands up ... with a card in the right hand ... Daddy's card.

"Don't touch my grandmother. She's over seventy and you could get sued."

"Smartass huh?"

"Nope ... prosecuting attorney's thirteen year old son. I recommend you read the card."

The cop threw the card on the floor. "Yeah, right. Get outta the booth kid ... let's see some ID."

Shit ... I'm thirteen ... the only ID I have is my library card. It's what I have ... it's what he got. I get muscled to the floor and he grabs Grannie ... by the boob ... just as the Chief of Police walks in the door.

"Haversham, what do you think you're doing?" asked the Chief.

"Searching a suspect."

"That's no suspect ... that's the Clinton County Prosecuting Attorney's mother ... and his son."

"We're not in Clinton County and we caught her red handed."

"Caught her doing what?"

Brownshoe was just beginning to splutter out some asinine excuse when I interrupted.

I spoke up..."Chief ... can I get up?"

"You're David? Yeah ... get up."

"That's my grandmother your man is molesting ... I'd appreciate it if you'd make him let go ... before I have to do it."

Mr. Brownshoe let go, spun around to backhand me ... I broke his left wrist. He went for his gun with his right ... funny thing ... he shot himself in the foot, the knee and the groin. The next thing you know ... his gun and trigger finger are across the kitchen and my fingerprints are nowhere on the Smith M10.

Years later, Bart would say, "I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it ... you can't prove a thing." It seemed like it fit here.

I said, "Chief ... I demand you call an ambulance for my Grannie ... that's going to bruise." I pointed at her breast ... which is now out because Brownshoe didn't let go right away when he tried to backhand me. Her blouse, camisole and bra were torn and hanging in tatters.

"You probably ought to call my dad ... there's going to be hell to pay over this ... I imagine we'll all need lawyers before this is over." I noticed an arterial bleed. "You got something I can use for a tourniquet ... your detective is losing blood like mad. I believe he's shot off his dick."

I took the proffered shoelace ... wrapped it around Mr. Defective's dick and balls ... tight enough to cut off the blood flow, and patted his cheek while I whispered in his ear, "You should tell somebody to loosen that every once in a while ... you wouldn't want to get gangrene."

But I didn't mention it to anyone else. As I was standing up I lost my footing on all the slippery blood and whacked him in the jaw with my elbow. He was out for the count. Oops.

The entire fiasco ... nobody in their right mind would call it a raid ... had more than Grannie suing. Every college girl in the restaurant sued the police ... and later ... after the FBI got into it, the force got sued for excessive force and threats of bodily harm if the first suit wasn't dropped.