Chapter 1

I'm waiting for the sleeping pills to take effect. I crave for sleep because the last night's waking took it out on me – I got so nervous that I felt like plucking my hair off. In times gone, when I was tormented by insomnia, I just went out on the balcony for a smoke or tossed down a beer and everything was all right, but now the things are radically different. I'm not at home anymore, nor can I get up from the bed, and at such places drinking beer is not allowed. I'm dying for a cigarette and maybe that's why I can't fall asleep. Besides that I'm in terrible pain despite all the painkillers they are feeding me. I have never liked to sleep on my back but now I'm forced to lie on my back all the time. Day and night, it's horrible. Once I used to live an active life – parties, trips, fitness, you know how it is when you are 23 years old girl, and I played tennis two times a week ... but now ... now I'm just lying. If only it didn't hurt. But it hurts. They no longer give me those nice pills they gave me the first five days after ... I should not think about what happened. I should be positive. Very well ... I think I'm drifting off. And yet, they could have given me one of those pills. Morons! It's not possible to become an addict for a week or two. And why, for goodness sake, did I pay for a separate room? I could have company right now, someone with whom to share ... What will you share, bonehead, you are not able to speak at present! No one understands my lisp, and how could be otherwise when it's impossible at all for me to close my mouth. Budging my lips, and with great difficulty at that, is what I'm capable of. Damn it! I surely look like an imbecile with this constantly opened mouth of mine. How could that happen to me, of all people! I want to die!

I feel dizzy and my eyelids are getting heavy. The pain has subsided considerably. I deserve sleep, I deserve rest, and I deserve the mercy to forget for a wile the ... Stop thinking, relax, it could have been much worse. At least you survived.

My former boyfriend is leaning over me. Ross, who I broke with when I saw him necking one of my colleagues. His face is contorted in ugly, derisive smile. His forefinger sways rhythmically like a pendulum and his smile looks even nastier. He leans closer and I see the pores of his face. He starts talking, slowly, expressively, as if wanting every word to stick in my mind. And I can't budge an inch, can't turn my back on him, can't slap him in the face. I'm forced to listen how he offends me, how he derides me. He is telling me things like: "Just look at you now! You were absolutely gorgeous before and everybody gave you the eye but now you are just a pathetic piece of lifeless meat. Worthless shit. I screwed others too, you know, for you are cold as ice inside, for you are driveller who only knows to strut around. No one wants you anymore, you worth nothing. And why are you gaping like a cretin? Ha-ha, you look so ridiculous, like a dotty old woman. You know what? I'm glad you survived, you would not be suffering otherwise.

I wake from the nightmare with a scream welling in the throat, which finally streams out in the form of animal's snarl. I'm trembling like a leaf. Ten minutes later I wonder if it would not be better to stay awake. Because such a nightmare can crush your psyche, really. But I'm so exhausted that half an hour later the sleepiness persists again. This time the nightmares mercifully avoid me.

I open my eyes with a start. I feel there is something wrong. I haven't wet myself, which calms me down to some extent, but I'm so confused that the obvious evades me. And the obvious, as I become aware a minute later, is that the room has sunk into pitch-black darkness. The lamp that some time ago was shining with soft yellowish light is now off. I see stars through the window whose radiance however can't cope with the oppressing darkness.