Chapter 10

September 10 2012

"Aunt Kate, this is a wonderful spot ... very ... well tranquil. I can see why you picked it."

Kate Anderson looked around the rocky promontory where she spent her days, and then at her niece, Sofia. She was chagrinned that her niece had to point out the obvious, because Kate had not consciously noticed the tranquility before. During the last seven months that she'd traveled to Isola del Giglio, her thoughts had been on James and how she had failed him and their marriage. Her attention had been focused on the half-submerged white ship that dominated the view from this spot. The shipwreck had never been tranquil, and right from the beginning she had watched the army of rescuers, and then salvers swarm the ship.

She looked around the rocky promontory with its view of the sunny harbor and the small island town of Giglio Porto and had to admit that this was a place of solitude and beauty. She'd barely noticed before.

Melissa's twins, Sofia and Simone, had arrived the previous day, so today was unusual - for a change she had company. It made her realize how lonely she was and how grateful she was that they had made the trip to pay their respects. It was typical of their unselfishness, that they would interrupt their travels to be with her. They said they were on their way to attend a wedding of a friend at some castle in Tuscany and wanted to spend a little time with her.

The evening before, they had dined at a café which overlooked the harbor drinking wine, while the girls reminisced about their "wonderful Uncle James." Toward the end of the meal, Kate finally asked, "Who's getting married – someone you know from school?" They both shook their heads, and Simone replied, "No, he's someone we've known for a long time, someone you wouldn't know."

"Oh, I don't know about that. In the restaurant business, I've met a lot of people in Atlanta." Kate replied.

Simone looked uncomfortable, and then Sofia chimed in, "Oh ... well ... he was living in New York, and has just moved to Texas ... so probably not."

Kate thought their story a bit odd and felt they were not telling her everything, but it really had no importance. She just counted herself lucky to have such caring nieces. Regardless, she didn't want to think about weddings and the happiness that surrounded them. Her own wedding to James had been the kind of storybook event that she had dreamed about, and it was to a man who had loved her above all else. She thought about those days, especially early in their marriage when they were struggling, but they always pulled together. They were partners in everything they did. Often when he did some small loving thing she wondered how she had been so lucky. Of course, she didn't deserve him. Hadn't she proved that with here infidelity and coldness the last couple of years? Looking back on it, Kate realized he had been a much better husband than she had been a wife.

By the time the evening was over, they were all a bit tipsy. Fortunately they were staying the night in the same small hotel Kate occupied.

This morning they had returned to the café for breakfast, and over strong coffee they decided to hire a small boat to take the three of them out as close to the wreck of the Concordia as was allowed. There they could drop a wreath in memory of James. They were sweet girls.

After the sobering visit to the shipwreck, they walked out to the rocky promontory where Kate spent her days. They had picked up some fruit, sausage, cheese and bread and had a picnic lunch. Soon their conversation turned to Emily and Matt.

"So, they've not come out?" asked Simone.

Kate shook her head. "I've invited them, and the cruise line is picking up the travel tab, but neither has taken the opportunity..." She looked at the big ship for a few seconds before she went on, her eyes glistening, "Matt's back in school full time out in Boulder, I think he's found someone, but he's also in Navy ROTC. He says once he graduates he plans to go into the Marines like his father did..."

Kate paused, and then said, "Emily ... I don't know if you've seen much of her..." The girls shook their heads. "Well, she's at a two year college now, working to get as much math and science as she can, so she can go to a school with a strong medical research program. She even looks like her old self, but she doesn't date or even go out. She just studies and works. She has managed to get an internship at start up biotech in Marietta." Kate choked back tears, "So ... when ... her father comes home ... he'll be proud of her..." She took some tissues from her jeans and wiped her eyes.

Sophia asked, "Did they see Uncle James before he ... well ... before you left for the cruise?"

Kate shook her head. "No, the last time they saw him was at Thanksgiving." Of course, the twins had been present at that debacle and realized that Emily had to be haunted by her last words to her father wishing him dead.

Kate dabbed her eyes again. Once I ... well, once I came to my senses and the realization that James was the only man I had every loved, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him ... well it was pretty late in December before he'd even consider seeing me, much less getting back together. I encouraged Emily to go talk to him, but she was so ashamed that she just kept putting it off ... she thought she'd have lots of time..." Kate sniffled into her tissues.

Kate gazed out toward the open sea for a long while, avoiding looking at the wreck, tears falling, the sadness for her daughter palpable. Pulling herself together she finally asked, "How's your mom doing?"

The twins looked at each other, then Simone spoke, "She's doing okay. I think sometimes she misses Dad ... but she ... well they just couldn't get along anymore." Kate knew that Melissa had thrown Alan out when she discovered he was having an affair with one of his clients. She had confided to Kate that she knew it wasn't the first time. Kate had then realized how close she had come to losing her sister with her idiotic affair with Alan. To lose James and Melissa would have been unbearable.

She saw that this conversation was making the girls uncomfortable so she asked about school and their plans for after graduation in 2013. They both talked about opportunities in California, but nothing was firm yet. Simone even mentioned that firms in Singapore often hired junior engineers. They were also exploring some of the high tech jobs in Texas.

Soon it was time for them to catch the afternoon ferry, but before they left Kate to her solitude, they hugged her, and with each holding one of her hands, Sofia said, "Aunt Kate, you know how we loved Uncle James ... but we know that he wouldn't want you tied to this place, mourning him. He would want you to go back home and get on with your life. You still have lots of life left and much to give. Emily needs you too. So please, for your sake and Emily's, go home and make peace with yourself, and go on with your life. We don't intend to forget Uncle James, but ... but after all these months, it is time to move on."

With tearful hugs they left her. She watched them walk across the rocky area toward the narrow road to the port and thought about how lucky Melissa was to have such wonderful and beautiful daughters. Their advice was sound, but she wondered about their comment, "Make peace with yourself." Did they know something about her affair with Alan? Had he said something? Doubtful.

They turned once and waved at her. They were both dressed in skinny jeans and colorful tank tops, and their blonde good looks drew the eyes of every Italian male as they moved toward the harbor. She remembered when she and Melissa used to draw that kind of attention. Kate pushed those thoughts away – it was that kind of vain thinking that spelled disaster for her marriage.

She sat in her beach chair and went back to watching the workers as they went about their daily duties trying to refloat the Concordia, but, lost in thought, she really didn't see them. Over the months, she'd made numerous trips to Giglio Island and to the rocky promontory on which she set up her little camp where she kept vigil. She thought about it and concluded this was her fifth trip to the site. She just couldn't stay home in Atlanta because she felt so helpless there. Every time she arrived home she would be reminded of her loss. Throughout the house there were reminders of James. She would often just stop and look at a photo, or pick up something like his prized Hank Aaron autographed baseball that he kept on his desk. She would just stare at these mementos as memories filled her head. These little reminders often made her smile, but many of those pleasant thoughts were blotted out by the dark clouds of the last couple of years when she treated him and his love so shabbily. All his clothes still hung in the closets, and his things were still in their bathroom. She couldn't bear throwing them out or giving anything away.

"I'll be back." Those were the last words Kate heard from him as he left her to return to the darkened sinking ship that terrible night last January. She recalled that he smiled just a bit as he said those words with the silly Terminator/Schwarzenegger accent, as if it would reassure her that everything was going to be all right. Even in the dimness of the emergency lights, she had seen the sorrow in his eyes as he looked at her for the last time. At that moment a chill had run through her, as her fears of discovery rushed to the surface. Her greater fear was that he would abandon her forever. James was not the kind of man who would accept her unfaithfulness even if she could somehow convince him that it meant nothing and that she loved him with all her being. She was numb as she watched him rapidly disappear into the crowd that thronged the listing deck, and the only reason she was able to move to the lifeboat was that Alan, on the verge of panic, pulled her along. As the crowd surged onto the big orange-painted lifeboat she got separated from Alan and Melissa, but that was a relief. She didn't have the emotional strength to deal with them. Kate found a dark corner and made herself as small as possible on the hard plastic seat in the covered lifeboat. She sobbed as she sat hunched over, eyes closed and arms wrapped tightly around her slim body. Her sense of despair and foreboding was so overwhelming, that had the lifeboat plunged into the sea without a trace, she would have welcomed the release.

Of course, James had not come back, and she remembered the chaos at the port that night, and how she searched in vain for him. Kate remembered his reaction earlier in the day when Alan had appeared at the dock, but James had quickly quashed any display of emotion. She knew him too well to fail to notice his look of surprise turn to ice, as he had watched Alan. Kate had relived that scene many times over the months, and she was convinced from that moment that James had suspected the truth about why she had been so uncaring and distant for several months. Why had Melissa and Alan come in the first place? All thoughts of a romantic afternoon and evening had evaporated when Kate saw them, and somehow James had managed to disappear until just before they went to dinner. Was that because he knew? Had he finally put it all together? Kate knew that, in her surprise, she had not been very successful in hiding her own feelings of guilt and shame when Alan looked at her with that possessive smirk.

Dinner was an ordeal. She knew that James had something on his mind because he seemed lost in thought for most of the meal and hardly ate anything. Actually, she was dreading the return to their cabin, fearing the discussion that might come. Kate felt sick but had steeled herself to admit it all to James and beg his forgiveness. Initially, she saw the commotion over the ship's distress as a respite that could buy her some time, not really believing a ship that size could sink. Until the order to get in the lifeboats, Kate had believed that eventually they would be told everything would be fine and to return to their cabins. But it was not to be, and the delay she had hoped for in the confrontation with James had now gone on for eight months. She had not even had time to hug him and say goodbye. It was just a fleeting kiss that ended their lives together. Kate missed James, and she missed all that they had shared.

Now, every time she got to Atlanta the cycle would repeat itself – in only a few days she would feel the irresistible pull that brought her back to James and Giglio and the wreck of the Costa Concordia. Her daily ritual transporting her gear to her viewing spot no longer caused comment by the locals. She would leave her room at sunrise, large sun umbrella over her shoulder, straw sun hat tied on against the breeze, carrying a canvas chair and a large tote which contained her supplies for the day: water, some yogurt and fruit, her book or books, and a Kindle. Over her other shoulder was a pair of binoculars. Often she would do nothing but stare at the wreck trying to convince herself the rescuers would somehow find him alive while searching the half-submerged ship.

Of course, she hadn't started out her vigil with any comforts. At first, during the Italian winter months, she had been much less prepared, but she didn't care. Often she would think it would be best if she was felled by pneumonia or some other disease, exacerbated by rain and cold winds during the winter storms that lashed the island. She just didn't care about anything, and her guilt pushed her deeper and deeper into despair. Poorly protected against the elements, she would pace the rocky point soaked and chilled, yelling her frustration into the wind at James for going on a fool's errand, and at God, for taking him. Her emotions ran from hopeful optimism, to the darkest depression, until she finally came to grips with the idea that he was not going to return from the Concordia.

She had constantly second guessed his foolhardy action. Why had he left to help the young man find his family? Had they even survived the ordeal? She wanted to think so. Certainly, as she poured over photos and accounts of the missing and dead, she never came across anything that might suggest a family had perished. She just wished she could identify and locate the young man who had lured her husband away from safety. She eventually lost her animosity toward him. She had seen his stricken face as he pleaded with people to help him, and it still haunted her. She thought that she would have done the same had James not been there, but truthfully, she knew she wasn't as brave as James. She asked herself, hadn't it been the responsibility of the crew to help out? No, that was unfair. That night, the crew had their hands full, and of course it was just like her wonderful James to put his life in danger to help others.

Dreams about that night on the ship haunted her and left her with a terrible sense of loss and guilt. She should have gone with him. Perhaps she could have saved him or at least shared his fate. She wondered if death could be any worse than the emptiness she felt now.

During a visit home to Atlanta just last month she was pacing the house like a caged animal when for some reason decided she should clean the attic. There she had discovered, tucked away in a corner, a military issue metal foot locker. It had "Sgt. James A. Anderson USMC" stenciled on it. Inside were some neatly folded uniforms smelling of cedar, a number of photographs of a much younger James, and some small boxes with his medals inside them. She didn't recognize any of them, except for the gold one shaped like a heart with purple enamel, featuring a gold silhouette of George Washington. She had seen his scars, but knew nothing about his service, since that was well before they met, and he never spoke of it. She sat on the dusty floor in the August hot attic and read each of the red-covered citations. The tears rolled down her cheeks at the one which described how he came to be wounded. Yes, James was a hero. She discovered that Concordia wasn't the first time he put his life on the line for others.

Thankfully, even Alan was gone now, and he had not contacted her. Kate wondered if somehow Alan's actions, or lack thereof, the night of the wreck had led Melissa to see him as he was – a coward and a man without principles. Melissa had loved James too but had refused to return to the wreck, telling Kate that she only wanted to remember James as he was – a loving and unselfish man, who would not hesitate to help strangers in a time of peril. Kate wondered about fate, and the fact she had met James first. What would have happened if Melissa had not been sick the night Kate went to a party at a friend's house and met him? Melissa and James would have made a wonderful pair, loyal and faithful to each other, and they never would have had to go on a cruise to repair their marriage. Yes, if James had married Melissa he would be alive today. A tear tracked her check as she as she gazed seaward, pushing those thoughts away.

In the days and weeks after the sinking, she had made herself a pest, constantly quizzing the rescuers and every person who returned from the wreck about their progress that day. Eventually the searchers, like the islanders, came to view Kate as a determined woman who wanted her husband back, and then as the months passed, as a grieving widow who could not let go. Of course, they didn't know Kate's secret and her guilt. It wasn't just her affair with Alan, but the way she had treated James for months. She had examined her actions with the help of Dr. Janet Meadows. Dr. Meadows wouldn't let her find excuses, although she did allow that Kate's narcissism about her appearance and her fears of aging, plus the loss of her children to school and adulthood had been factors. The affair, they concluded was more than foolishness and stupidity – it represented something very dark inside Kate. They would have to discover why she needed to seek out the attention of other men when she had a loving and faithful husband at home.

Dr. Meadows wisely recommended Kate move on and accept the loss, and stop punishing herself about things she could no longer control. She also recommended Kate stop going to Giglio, but she couldn't help herself. She wanted to be there – had to be there when they found her husband's body.

The cruise line had been generous with a travel allowance and accommodations. On this trip, now a month in duration, she was in a small hotel operated by a fisherman's widow who had also lost her husband to the Tyrrhenian Sea. Kate's Italian, with constant practice, had become almost fluent. To the townspeople, she was just part of the background, a tragic figure that had come uninvited to settle among them just like the giant white ship on its side outside their harbor. They were just fixtures of daily life on Giglio. The residents did welcome the influx of money from the workers which helped offset the loss of some tourist revenue. These days most people came out on the ferry to gawk for the day, and then return to the mainland, leaving very little money behind.

Without the cruise line paying her expenses she could not have afforded the trips to Giglio. There was little money other than their savings. Kate had quit her job, there was no time for it now, and she also knew the long hours and travel had been a bone of contention with James. She hadn't needed that job, and she came to hate it. In retrospect, she saw it more as a cover for her infidelity. She had made good money, but where had it gone? It was also obvious that she was going to have to go back to work soon. A job for someone with her experience would not be difficult to find. In fact, she had received a number of attractive offers, but couldn't bring herself to break away from this place.

To her dismay she had discovered that they had very little in the way of savings. James had plowed a great deal of money back into his firm, and with a mortgage on a house that was too big, college expenses for two children, and all the other expenses that constituted day to day living, there wasn't much there.

Kate was also shocked to discover that James had cancelled his $500,000 term policy the day after she had served him with divorce papers.

The three million dollar life insurance policy, that James had often joked would make her a wealthy widow, was actually only payable to James' company. When had he done that? Was it always that way? She wondered if James even knew that. Kate had been shocked by that news. As putative widow and heir, she was now just a one-quarter stock holder, but with the loss of James, profits had dropped, so her fractional ownership would result in little gain, if she ever saw any of it.

The insurance company explained that the policy was to compensate the company for the loss of a partner and the earnings he would bring to the firm. She discovered it was a common practice, and each of the four partners at the firm had a like policy. It could also be used to buy out one of the other partners, or in this case the widow. Unfortunately she had burned some bridges at the firm when she brought the divorce action. She was now in negotiations with the other partners to have them buy out her share, but they never returned her calls, nor did they show the slightest inclination to do so. All her calls were referred to an attorney, who she was told, would be the sole point of contact.

In her frustration at being stonewalled by the firm, she had called Joyce Davis, someone she had known for years. Joyce was the chief administrative officer and had been the only one at the firm to have sent her a sympathy card, and the only one who had kept in contact.

When they met for coffee one Saturday, Kate expressed her frustration at the lack of contact by the partners and other staff.

"Joyce, it's as if they've all forgotten about James. I've never received a card or even a call from people I thought were our friends. Now they ignore me or stonewall me."

"Kate ... it's like this ... James was one of the founders of the firm and really was the glue that held it together. He was the reason for the loyalty of our employees. They loved him and admired him..."

"Then why?" interrupted Kate.

Joyce continued, "Kate, I know you, and I've known you for years. I don't think of you as an evil person, and the only reason we're still in touch is because I'm convinced you knew nothing about how James was served with the divorce papers..."

"What?" Suddenly Kate's face flushed with embarrassment as the memory of the meeting in her attorney's office came to mind. Her attorney had said something about "humiliating the bastard", but in Kate's anger and denial she had not really understood. Maybe she should have paid more attention. Why had she been so angry at James anyway?

"When the woman came to the office to serve the divorce papers last year, well, she made it as public and humiliating as possible."

Kate put her hands over her face, tears coming.

"The process server marched right past Julie at reception and found James in the middle of the drafting room, a room full of employees, and shrieked at him that he was a despicable spouse abuser, and that you were going to take him for every dime and that included the firm."

"Oh my God," was all Kate could get out, as she sobbed. The image of her wonderful James humiliated in such a way at her hands was almost too much to bear.

Joyce patted her hand. "Nobody believed that of him, but from that point on you were persona non grata. And frankly Kate, right now the firm just doesn't have the money to buy out your share, and without James, who was a rainmaker, profits have slipped. The insurance was supposed to help cover that, but it's still at the discretion of the partners what to do with that money. And ... well ... without evidence ... evidence of death, the insurance company is balking."