Chapter 1

Claire had been reluctant to make the appointment with the counselor in the first place. And now that she was in his waiting room, she was regretting ever making the call. But she had done it for her husband, sort of. Not so much to make him feel better, but as a way to get him to stop his constant negative comments, all of which focused on just one thing.

"I think he's just jealous," she said to the counselor after they had gotten the preliminaries out of the way.

"What exactly is your husband jealous about, Claire?" Dr. Mason asked.

"Just one thing. My relationship with my son."

"Your son Peter, right? How old did you say he is?"

"Yes, Peter. He's fifteen."

"OK. So, what makes you think Bob is jealous?"

"It's actually totally silly," Claire replied, trying to sound nonchalant. "Bob just thinks Peter and I spend too much time together. He's always calling Peter a 'Momma's boy' and things like that."

"And you've been married to Bob since Peter was ten, right?"

"Yes. my first husband passed away when Peter was seven, and I got married again three years later."

"And how would you characterize your relationship with your son, Claire?"

"Oh, close, I suppose. We've always been very close. Friends, you know? And especially after Peter's dad died, we of course supported each other through that completely."

"And do you feel like you spend a lot of time together?"

"I guess so. But I mean, Peter has friends, he plays sports, he does well in school. It's not like he's a super introvert or anything."

"Does he date, or have a girlfriend?"

"He has dated some. He doesn't have a girlfriend right now ... not that plenty of girls wouldn't love to have him."

"So, is there anything else that Bob seems jealous about, other than you spending too much time with Peter?"

Claire paused and looked down before continuing. Dr. Mason made a note of it.

"Well, this is the silly part. Bob actually says things like, now that Peter's a teenager, he's looking at girls all the time."

"What's silly about that?"

"Bob says ... This is really ridiculous. I don't know if I want to talk about it."

"Whatever you think, Claire. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. But it helps me if you tell me anything you think is relevant."

"I don't know, Doctor. It's just ... well it's just crazy."

"Try me, Claire. Whatever it is, you're probably not the only one who has heard it, thought it, or experienced it."

"Oh, all right. It's just that, Bob actually says that ... that Peter looks at me the way he looks at other girls."

"What do you mean?"

"He thinks that Peter ... that he looks at me... that way. Like he ... like my son..."

"Are you saying he thinks Peter has sexual thoughts about you?"

"Yes. He doesn't actually say it that way, but that's what he keeps implying."

"How does Bob say it?"

"He says he thinks Peter has the hots for me ... for his own mother! Isn't that crazy?"

"I don't know, Claire. What do you think?"

"Doctor Mason, it's ridiculous. I'm his mother! He's a handsome young man. He's socially active. Even though he doesn't have a girlfriend right now, the girls are always hanging on him. Not only am I his mother, but ... look at me. I'm at least thirty pounds overweight if not more, I have to color my hair more often all the time. Why would he want to look at me? My own husband doesn't even want to look at me!"

The last comment caused the counselor to pause.

"What was that, Claire?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Claire mumbled unconvincingly.

"Claire, you just said a lot. And some of it felt significant to me. Why don't you take a breath, collect your thoughts for a moment, and if you don't mind, tell me more about the last thing you said ... about Bob not wanting to look at you."

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't mean to get upset. I guess I just don't feel all that great about myself ... about the way I look."

"What's wrong with the way you look, Claire?"

"Really? Are you kidding? I'm sure Bob thinks I look old, and probably fat. I know perfectly well that I've gained weight, just like I said."

"Claire, you're a very attractive woman by any standard. I don't know what you looked like in the past, but you hardly look overweight. You have curves that I'm sure lots of women would love to have."

"Well, thank you for saying that. But my husband doesn't think so. Is it any wonder I get a little thrill out of the fact that Peter likes to look at me?"

"Wait a minute, Claire. What do you mean by that?"

"Hmm? By what, Doctor?"

Claire didn't realize what she had just said.

"You said that Peter likes to look at you. But just a second ago you said that he didn't see you as anything but his mother. Are you saying that he does look at you with some level of attraction?"

"Well ... I ... I don't know, Doctor Mason. Maybe ... Maybe I've caught Peter taking longer looks than he should, every now and then. But can you blame me for liking it, liking the attention ... just a little? My husband doesn't look at me like I'm a desirable woman. Is it such a surprise that I would like it, just a little bit if my son looks at me that way once in a while?"

Claire then became aware of the words that had come out of her mouth and she felt her face get red.

"Claire, I need to understand what you're..."

"I'm sorry," she blurted out. "I didn't mean that at all. I was just ... I don't know what I was saying. Just forget that last part, Doctor."

"I really need to understand you now, Claire. Just relax. You're saying two different things. You said Bob had no reason to think that your son looks at you with any sexual intentions. Then you implied that Peter does look at you in that way, at least now and then, and that you get some enjoyment out of it. Did I hear that correctly?"

"It doesn't mean he has the hots for his mother, Doctor Mason. But even if he did ... Of course he doesn't. But just for the sake of argument, let's just say that every now and then, Peter thinks of me that way ... Isn't that normal for teenage boys? Don't they all think of their mothers that way sometimes?"

"Not necessarily, Claire. Of course some boys fantasize that way. But actually I'm less concerned about Peter looking at you with sexual thoughts than I am about the fact that you said you enjoy it when he does. That's potentially very unhealthy, Claire."

"Oh, Doctor, please don't make a big deal out of what I said. It was really nothing. I just lost my head for a moment."

"Claire, do you have any sexual thoughts about Peter? Do you ever think of your son that way? I need to know the truth about this."

Claire hung her head and took a deep breath before continuing.

"I'm afraid that maybe I do, Doctor Mason," she said softly. "I don't think I had admitted that to myself until just now. But ... I think I do. I'm sure it's nothing. It doesn't mean anything. At the same time, I know it must be very wrong. But I've been so lonely for so long. And when Peter looks at me that way, when he tries to get a glimpse into my robe, or when we kiss for a little too long, or when he hugs me and I can feel his ... you know ... You know what I mean?"