Chapter 14

We go in the back to rest for 15 minutes; Kevin and Maggie come back and give us both big hugs.

"You were wonderful Michael, that scene about sleeping with the mother, did you add that yourself?" she asked.

"Yes, I told Amy that I thought you were very beautiful, and it turned into what you saw ... are you sure that you're OK with it?"

"Michael," she said running her hand over my shirt, "I told Amy that I thought you were the most handsome man she ever brought home, by far."

"And seeing my little girls breasts is almost ethereal. You changed that blocking didn't you?"

"Mom," Amy said, "I'm just putting my clothes on in a different order, so there is more 'booby' time now. Kevin certainly enjoys it, don't you?"

"Don't get me in trouble—your pacing has been perfect. Keep up that energy for the second act, got it?"

We get in our places, the music stops. The lighting changes as the curtains open up.

Michael: Isn't that just like a dumb stupid bitch? Collecting a whole wagon full of canned goods ... AND, NO CAN OPENER!"

Amy: That's what you want, isn't it? A dumb stupid bitch that just opens her legs every time you walk by. Too damn stupid to think for herself. Good for sex, but nothing else.

(I slapped her)

Amy: Did that make you feel any better, Michael? Remember, I am the last woman on earth.

(A knowing sound comes from the women in the audience)

Amy: See, you have two choices—Yes, and No! Unless, you and God can zap up 23 others, just like me. I declare Michael; your ribs are beginning to poke out. It ought to be easier this time.

Michael: I've told you before, I think your creation jokes are a load of crap! I never did believe that unscientific mumbo-jumbo, and you know it. I don't believe in God, either!

(If it makes any sense—a silent hush pervades the auditorium)

Amy: Perhaps you've been too busy trying to BE God—All-powerful and all-knowing. Really Michael, I'd like you better as just a human being like me. Neither of us has to be more than the other. Yeah, you're a man!

Michael: (searching inside her shirt for it) The one who has the can opener has the power.

Amy: (pulling it out of her back pocket) Here Michael?

Amy: It doesn't have to be a power struggle. Here, I'll make a peace gesture ... we share the can opener.

Amy: Perhaps you've been too busy trying to BE God—All-powerful and all knowing. (unzips my pants) Really Michael, I'd like you better as just a human being like me. (She grabs my erect penis) Neither of us has to be more than the other. Yeah, you're a man! (She put my penis in her mouth and begins a blowjob)

Michael: NO! I'm not just a man. I am a horny man (she put me back in my pants. I stood her up and bared her breasts)

(The audience was dumbfounded, but seemingly stayed tuned during all of this)

Michael: I guess who has the can opener ... has the power?

Amy: (snapping her shirt back together) Give that back to me Michael?

(I threw it at her feet)

Amy: It doesn't have to be a power struggle, Michael. Here, I'll make a peace gesture ... we share the can opener. (She picked it up, and a can, opened it, handing me a piece of strawberry from inside putting it up to my mouth)

Michael: (my first impulse to this change of blocking was to eat it right off the end of the can-opener, so I did) Why didn't you just share it without all of this crap?

Amy: I would have, if you had asked me instead of ordering me.

Michael: (as we walk to the log, she feeds me another one, what an instinct she has) OK, in the future I'll ask. I'll do my best to clean up my language—no masculine nouns or pronouns. Any other 'recommendations' I must obey to get along in this new world of yours?

Amy: You've missed the point completely Michael. I just want to be your equal, not your boss.

Michael: Well maybe I don't want to be your equal. If we get equality in the world, it will only be because you forced me into it.

Amy: Look at your name? Michael Adamson Chauvin III. Do you want your progeny to trace their ancestry back to your great-grandfather? Shorten your middle name down to Adam—it means 'first man'.

Michael: Well, until I decide to change it, just keep calling me Michael.

Amy: If that's what you want. (She feeds herself one now)

Michael: As for the progeny, I haven't decided if there's going to be any, so isn't that a bit presumptuous of you?

Amy: Yes, I suppose it is, but since we're the only two humans left alive that we know of ... and there aren't any more birth control pills in the world...

Michael:... Ah, yes—there's one thing that you will miss—the great liberator, THE PILL!

(Again, the guys love this line)

Michael: No doubt you realize that the pill was a male invention?

Amy: I'm painfully aware of that (starts to weep)

Michael: Of course, you liberated women will always insist on your two choices—YES and NO! But, if you say NO to me, there's nobody around here you can say YES to.

Amy: (In my face) All of that is absolutely true. I can live without sex, easier then I can live without sexism. If you think you can find more happiness in bullying another person, than you can in cooperating, then you are the one who needs liberating.

(She enters the tent)

Michael: Goodnight Amy, Don't bother turning out the lights, I'll take care of that.

(The entire audience enjoys my sarcasm)

Amy: Yes, dear. You take care of everything yourself, you big cave dweller you. (Once again, she changes the tone of her voice to that of a little girl)

(The lights change to show it's late at night)

Michael: It's eerie out here with no sounds at all—not even a cricket or a coyote. It's getting pretty cold.

Amy: (poking her head out) Aren't you cold?

Michael: (pulling my shirt tight) N-n-n-n-no!

Amy: Don't be noble Michael. You really ought to have one of these blankets.

Michael: No! (Being gallant) You keep them. I intend to be a gentleman, even if I do get cold.

Amy: OK! If that's the way you want it. But, I really wish you would stop playing those old, senseless games. (Pulling her head inside)

Michael: (breaking the 'fourth wall', to the audience) I can tell that she wants me back inside with her. It would be nice to cuddle up with her, but that would be admitting defeat. Maybe tomorrow we can make up, but tonight. Tonight she's got to find out, just how much she misses me.