I guess it was my boyfriend's idea.

"Let's have the party at Cassie's house!" Scott said in the middle of the school cafeteria. He was 17 then and I was still waiting to get there, about three months shy of my birthday.

"What?" I lifted my bright blue eyes to stare at him, brushing a bit of blonde hair from my face. I got my looks from my mom.

"Yeah!" someone else said, or maybe a dozen someone else's, because it was kind of crowded even for our small school. The graduating class that year only had about 60 kids.

"No way," I shook my pretty little head, crossing my arms over my breasts, which I didn't do often because I was a little proud of them. I'd finally filled out nice over the previous summer.

"Yeah way!" Scott grinned at me, because he's totally cute like that and he knows I'll give in. He was the cutest boy in school, I thought, and most of my friends did too.

"Come on Cassie!" Rachel gave me a little poke, smiling at me. She was my best friend, like my sister, and with her ganging up on me too, I didn't stand a chance.

"My mom will freak." I stared at them, like about twenty high school kids, all of whom just wanted a party. That's all we ever wanted.

"Your mom's cool, she'll go for it." Scott had hazel eyes and he was looking into mine.

"Ha!" I snorted. "My mom's not that cool!"

"Just ask her, Cassie," Rachel prompted me, "After school, we can both talk to her."

"You?" I stared at Rachel, she was tall and willowy, with auburn hair and my mom thought she was a bad influence. Mom called Rachel a slut.

"Or by yourself," Rachel shrugged, rolling her green eyes. "Whatever."

"I'll see," I finally said, which was the worst thing in the world to say. In high school speak it means yes.

Of course I didn't see. I didn't even bring it up, because there was no way my mom was gonna let me throw a party at my house! Be real. She was cool, yeah, about as cool as a mom could be, but still my mom.

"Stir that pot a little, baby," Mom told me. She was making a little garlic bread; you know slicing up a loaf of French bread and putting butter and garlic powder on it. She always called me baby cause all she had was me.

"What are you doing Friday night, Mom?" I asked her, which wasn't that weird of a question for us.

We were just by ourselves. My mom had gotten pregnant when she was 16, so she was only 31 years old, soon to be 32 since her birthday was two months before mine, but she didn't look like it. My mom looked like my sister, an older sister yeah, but not even that much older. Like she was 23 maybe, with blonde hair like mine, blue eyes like mine, and a great body which was better than mine, because her tummy was pretty tight. Mine still had some baby fat and I figured pasta and garlic bread wasn't gonna help it.

Another thing, a weird thing sorta, was that me and my mom had the same name. My name is Cassandra, hers is Cassiopeia. Like the stars? But we both went by Cassie, just cause our names were a real mouthful. My mom's dad named me, I think, or at least talked Mom into it. My grandpa was a strange guy anyway though.

Anyway, my dad had joined the navy when Mom got pregnant, because there wasn't a lot of work here, not for a kid who was just graduating high school and had a girlfriend who was pregnant. So he was going to go be a sailor, send Mom money, save some, and come back and marry her.

Unfortunately dad went to Thailand or someplace, met a little brown girl named Suki Fuki, according to Mom, and married her instead. We got by okay though. Mom worked at the bank, the only one in town, and I was smart enough, and mature enough to help her out around the house. I just wished Mom would get a boyfriend, a real one, but all she did was have sex with the bank president's son-in-law, who was married, obviously, and never getting a divorce, even though he always told my mom he loved her.

She loved him too, I thought, and sometimes she was a little sad. But mostly she was okay, or at least she hid it away pretty good. Mostly. Mom was always careful with me like that, hiding her bad feelings away and just letting me just see the love that she had for me.

"Friday? Mmmm ... I'm going to stay home and color my hair, you wanna help me?" Mom glanced at me.

"Color your hair?" I made a face. "Your hair's fine, what do you want to color it for?"

My mom's hair was golden blonde, down to her shoulders and very beautiful actually. It was thick, sort of a shag cut. Mine was mostly like that, the same color and length, but not as cute in my opinion.

"I thought I'd just put a little red in it, I don't know," she smiled. "Not much, just a little pizzazz."

"Pizzazz?" I giggled. "Where'd that come from?"

"Oprah!" my mom laughed.

"TV will rot your mind, Mom," I told her and that was as close as I got to asking her about the party.

"No go, no way," I told Scott later that night.

He'd come by to pick me up after dinner and my mom was cool about that, she liked Scott a lot, but she was hardcore about me not getting pregnant. She couldn't take birth control pills because she had a sensitivity to them, or something, but she'd put me on them like a week after my first menstruation. That's probably understandable though.

And a good thing too, because I was sitting in the back of Scott's car and kissing him and he had a finger deep inside my pussy right then, which was making it a little hard to talk.

"What's that?" He curled his finger and tickled me in the secret place cause he knew I liked that. We'd been going out more than a year and we had sex like every day practically. He knew everything about my body.

"The party," I breathed, lifting my hips and squeezing my thighs around his hand.

"What about the party?" Rachel asked me. She was in the front seat, sucking her boyfriend's cock, and she lifted her head up, looking back at me and licking her lips.

Her boyfriend was a guy named Pete and he was cool, I guessed. Rachel said he had the biggest dick in school, which was why she was going out with him. He wasn't really that good looking otherwise. But he was nice enough ... Mostly.

"Don't stop, slut..." He pulled Rachel's mouth back down and my friend didn't complain, he always called her that, even when they weren't having sex.

"My mom said ... nooooo..." I moaned cause Scott was sucking my nipple hard. I had nice tits now, finally. They were big and full and totally firm, with puffy brown nipples that always needed to be sucked. I mean, that was like my weakness, seriously.

Pete laughed and looked over his shoulder at me. "She said it like that?"

Scott laughed too and I just shook my head, lifting my hips so I could fuck my fiery pussy on my boyfriend's hand. I was holding his cock, which was a nice one. Not as big as Pete's, which was like nine inches long and curved like a banana, but big enough for me. And thick, that's what I liked. Scott's cock might only be seven inches, tops, but it was really thick! A lot thicker than Pete's.

We'd compared them, Rachel and me, like had them stand side by side so we could look at our boyfriends' cocks. We'd all been pretty drunk too, which was probably why we'd swapped that night. Pete had fucked me and Scott had done Rachel, and it had been so weird. I mean, watching my best friend fuck my boyfriend, and them watching me and Pete do it. We'd never done it again, but we weren't shy anymore either. We had sex in the same bed or car or wherever a lot. At the same time, I mean.

Anyway, I'd decided that thicker was better, and Rachel was positive that longer was best for her, so we were happy anyway. And so were our boyfriends, although Pete was always asking when we were gonna swap again. Not too often though, cause Rachel would cut him off when she got pissed.

We're not sluts though. Am I getting off the subject? Oh well, we're not sluts, even though my mom thought Rachel was, and Pete called her one, I knew for a fact she never did it with anyone but Pete. Except that one time, you know, with Scott. And I never did it with anybody but Scott, except with Pete once. Why would I? It was just that in a small town like ours there wasn't much else to do but party and fuck, you know?

"Come here..." Scott had made me cream hard and his fingers were all wet with my girl gunk, but we didn't hardly notice. He was moving me so I could sit on his cock. It was a big car, an old Cadillac with a ton of room, front and back, but since it was Scott's car we got the back seat. In Pete's car we had to fuck in the front seat and his car was small, so it sucked. Mostly I just sucked Scott off when we took Pete's car, and let him cum on my tits. I wasn't really into sperm in my mouth, but sometimes I let him do it.

I had my skirt bunched up around my waist, it was a small one, my pep squad skirt from last year. Scott thought it was sexy though, so I wore it a lot. I was a real cheerleader this year, but I wasn't gonna get that uniform messed up, no way! I leaned on the front seat, sort of crossing my arms and looking down at Rachel's auburn head, more brown in the dim light, moving up and down while she sucked noisily.

Behind me, Scott was holding my hips, pulling my small round ass down on his lap and I gasped a little as I felt his thick hard cock splitting my pussy lips. That was always just a little uncomfortable, no matter how many times we did it, just cause it was like taking a coke can in my pussy. I wasn't lying when I said he was thick! He wasn't quite that big maybe, but I couldn't get my fingers all the way around him either.

But then it just felt good, because my pussy knew what to do. I'd been fucked a hundred times by that cock and my wet little box just wrapped itself around him, squeezing and even shivering, like inside, and that was always good. I sighed and rocked my ass a little, getting comfortable and feeling my pussy stretch. I loved that feeling, being stretched and totally full of my boyfriend's cock.

I moved a little, mostly back and forth, more than up and down, and Scott did all the work, lifting my ass a bit and then pulling me down. We fucked like that a lot and it was nice, super nice because my clit would rub the shaft a little when I was leaning forward. My clit was small, like barely there and always hiding, but that didn't matter. She was wide awake and the sparks were flying. I didn't always cum. I mean, sometimes you're just not in the mood for it, so it just feels good without all the fireworks. But mostly I could cum a lot and that was really great.

"So, when do you wanna ride the stud again, Cassie?" Pete was looking at me, smoking a cigarette like he was cool while Rachel sucked his long thin dick. Just getting another blowjob, no big deal.

"I ... Ugh! ... Am riding the ... Stud!" I grinned at him, gasping as Scott fucked me nice.

"Ouch!" Pete jerked and looked down. "Watch the teeth, slut! Jesus!"

I giggled because I knew Rachel had done that on purpose, and so did Pete, if he was smart. It wasn't nice to hit on his girlfriend's best friend, at least not while Rachel was sucking his cock. Not smart either, but Pete was one of those guys who thought he was king of the world cause he had a pretty hot girlfriend. Like he could say and do anything because he was so cool and Rachel wouldn't ever leave him, and if she did he could get another girl with a snap of his fingers. He was going to be in for a hard fall someday, because none of the other girls I knew thought Pete was serious boyfriend material. Rachel just loved his cock, not him.

I think I just loved Scott ... And his cock.

"Ohhh fuck..." I groaned, really moving my ass around now because I was gonna cum hard and Scott was getting close too.

In front of me, I watched Rachel lay back on the seat, spreading her legs and Pete slid his long cock inside her pussy slowly. Rachel had a pretty pussy too, all pink and shiny and she shaved her pussy hair, which was pretty strange, I thought. I tried it, but what a pain. I just kept mine neat then, with a little landing strip for Scott's tongue at the top. Except he hardly ever went down on me.

It was cool watching Rachel get fucked. I liked watching her do it a lot, and she was looking up at me with bright happy eyes, nodding her head and pulling Pete into her as far as he could get him.

"Uhhh yeah ... touch me ... mmm ... touch bottom ... oh!" Rachel was totally into feeling that cock rub her cervix, or whatever was down there. She swore it was her cervix anyway.

Rachel was weird. She liked to say it felt like her head was a big hot tamale and God was chewing on it with soft rubber teeth when she came. My head felt like the Hindenburg when I came, big and heavy, and lighter than air, and on fire all over. I guess every girl's different that way.

I'd felt Pete's cock bottom out in me and mostly it had just been annoying really. Like I'd feel really good and then ... Thump! "Ow!" and we'd do it all over again. He hadn't made me cum at all, although I'd acted like I did just to make Scott jealous. I'd made out like Pete had given me the best orgasm ever, but he hadn't. Rachel had done the same thing with Scott too, when he'd fucked her.

We'd confessed about it later, because me and Rachel were a little mad at each other, just because we each thought the other had cum too good with the other one's boyfriend. When we found out we'd both faked it, everything was okay again. We didn't tell our boyfriends though, those were secret bullets for later. You know. Like if we were breaking up.

"I'm gonna cum ... Oh yeah ... I'm gonna..." Scott was saying, like I couldn't tell.

"Me ... Oh! ... Fuck me ... Uh! ... Hard now..." I always liked it super hard at the end. I liked it when I came right after he did, like a split second later. That was best for me.

"Uh fuck ... Fuck..." Scott was lifting his ass off the back seat, just slamming his cock in me as I pushed myself down and back, feeling him against my screaming clit and that was it.

I felt his big thick cock jerking in my pussy, like fighting my soft walls as they clasped his penis hard with tight spasms that totally ruled me. I was biting the back of the front seat, seriously, cause that last cum was a screamer and I had healthy lungs. Scott was dumping lot of cum inside me too, since it was our first fuck in like two whole days, which was almost forever it seemed like.

"Yeah yeah yeah..." he was saying, just breathing that word over and over while his big balls emptied into my hot quivering snatch.

It was a snatch too. Some girls don't like that word. Rachel hated it when I said snatch, so I did it just to pull her chain sometimes. I thought it was nasty sexy, you know? Like I'd tell Scott to fuck my snatch, or cream my cunt. That was another good word. Cunt. I definitely had a cunt, not a vagina. That was a word I hated. It sounded so ... Prissy. Like old women and nuns have vaginas, hot little cheerleaders have cunts. I had a cunt.

Rachel called hers Dorothy, which was sort of a secret, but everyone knew it and nobody knew why. But she'd ask Pete to fuck Dorothy, that was her thing. It was cute though, and Pete didn't mind. Rachel just liked to say it before sex though, during sex she was pretty quiet, just moaning a lot, or gasping sometimes.

"Ohhhh ... Fuck!" I giggled, cause after sex I'm always just totally relaxed. Scott didn't pull out either, he just leaned back, his cock all the way inside me, buried in that cummy mess in my snatch. He'd just leave it in there too, getting a little soft, but probably not very soft since it was only our first fuck of the night. We had a couple more hours left.

I watched Pete fucking Rachel, but mostly all I could see was his pale ass clenching every time he pushed, and his back, and a little bit of Rachel's happy face. That was okay too and he was cumming soon anyway. He groaned and Rachel moaned and they were both enjoying it, but I don't think Rachel came, because after Pete was done she had a look on her face, a look we all knew, but especially Pete.

"Dorothy needs a kiss," Rachel told him, kind of softly, but loud enough so Scott could hear it and my boyfriend laughed.

"She does?" Pete looked down at Rachel and I laughed at him.

"Now!" Rachel said and that was the end of Too Cool Pete. He knew he was whipped, like seriously. He was desperate to keep Rachel, because all he had going for him was that big cock of his, and she was seriously hot. Pretty demanding too and she'd make Pete pay for not bringing her off.

Scott wouldn't ever do that, I mean what Pete was doing. He was getting down to lick and suck on Rachel's pussy while she smiled and nodded and stroked Pete's head, encouraging him to do it right and make her cum. She hadn't gotten off on his dick, so he had to use his tongue, and of course she was full of his spunk now. But Pete was used to it and I think he even liked it, or didn't mind so much anymore. They'd been together almost as long as me and Scott.

"That's so sexy," I giggled, knowing it always made Pete blush.

"It's sick! You're sick, dude!" Scott laughed, and he was moving his hips a little now, moving his big hard cock back and forth inside me and the pilot light was still burning, you know? I was ready for it and I started moving too, ready to cum some more and really get my cunt filled up good.

I didn't argue with Scott, I just fucked him, getting off as much on watching Pete dig his own sperm out of Rachel's raw pink pussy as anything Scott was doing. I bet that probably felt pretty good, getting eaten out after a nice hard fuck, and sometimes I wondered if I couldn't get Pete to eat Scott's hot spunk out of me, but I didn't want to piss off Rachel. She sorta had a temper about stuff like that. Still, I figured I'd mention it sometime, because if Pete was gonna suck another guy's sperm out of a pussy, Rachel would probably have to be the one making him do it.

Maybe she'd let him do it for me on my birthday. That would be pretty cool.

"What's this?" I asked and we were back in the cafeteria, back at lunch on Wednesday, two days before our big party and still no place to have it.

I was looking at some green and white capsules, a dozen of them wrapped in the cellophane from a pack of cigarettes. Pete had given them to me and Scott was nodding.

"Sleeping pills," Pete said, and we were huddled together, talking quietly. The rest of the school didn't need to know about this, as if we could keep anything a secret.

"For what?" I stared at him and Rachel giggled, obviously knowing what was going on already.

"For your mom," Scott grinned at me.

"My mom..." I blinked at him, having no clue why my mom would want sleeping pills, and if she did, why didn't she just go to the drugstore and get some? We had one drugstore in town and Pete's dad was the pharmacist and...

"No way!" I suddenly figured it out. I tossed the pills back at Pete, so they slid across the table and he covered them up quickly with his hand.

"Cassie! Come on..." Rachel whined softly.

"Are you insane?" I stared at her. "I'm not drugging my mom!"

"It'll just put her to sleep," Pete was saying. "She'll wake up in the morning feeling great."

"We can have our party and she'll never know!" Scott was nodding at me.

"She isn't gonna know we drugged her?" I rolled my eyes. "She'll kill me! All of us!"

"They're prescription," Pete told me. "Two pills make you sleep great for eight hours. Four pills and you'll be totally out for twelve. Give her six and she'll sleep through a Chili Peppers concert."

"Six?" I stared at him. "Fuck you!"

"It's cool, Cassie. Pete knows about that stuff. Six won't hurt her, will it, Pete?" Rachel asked him, but she was looking at me.

"Nope," Pete agreed. "Won't hurt her at all, I swear. She'll just feel tired, go to bed and wakeup feeling great. These are awesome pills. My own mom takes them, believe me."

"Oh, I believe you," I said sarcastically. "I just can't believe you want me to drug my mom!"

I got up and left them. I wasn't gonna drug my mom, no way! God! Just for a party? We could have it in a field or something, who cares? Everybody was just gonna get drunk, smoke a little bad pot maybe, and make out in their cars. So why did we need my house, or any house for that matter? It wasn't worth drugging my mom, I didn't think.

But what I didn't really figure on was how much Rachel and Scott wanted to have the party at my house. They were tired of partying in fields and barns. Everybody wanted a real one, with real music from a stereo, not some little boom box, or some tinny car speakers. A party with furniture and lights, inside where it was warm, and cozy.

I had the big house, my mom's parents' old house, before they'd moved to Florida to play shuffleboard with Mickey Mouse. And I had the one parent too. Everyone else had two parents, or like one and half parents, because even the single parents had live-ins, you know. Except my mom. She was seeing a married guy, so it was just us mostly. When her and her boyfriend had sex it was like during lunchtime, not at night.

So my house was the logical choice, if you were a stupid, selfish, hormone infested teenager, like we all were. Logic had very little to do with it then.

And they were working on me, constantly. All day and night Wednesday, same thing on Thursday, and by the time Scott was dropping me off at home, ten o'clock Thursday night, totally happy from the really super fucking he'd given me, I was reduced to saying "Maybe" and "I'll think about it" and the always bad "I'll see."

Pete gave me the pills on Friday, during lunch, and the whole school was already talking about the big party at Cassie's house that night. Pete and Scott had arranged for kegs with this guy Steve, who was a delivery guy for the only liquor store in town. You know you're living in the boonies when the liquor store has a delivery guy, or maybe they have those in cities too, but I wouldn't know why.

Anyway, Steve was getting some bucks under the table for dropping off a couple kegs and a bunch of cases, so that was already set. Half the kids from school were coming, since there was nothing else to do except go bowling at the little 12 lane bowling alley - pizza place we had in that town. Nobody I knew liked bowling and the pizza sucked.

And all I had to do was get my mom to take six pills before six o'clock, cause my friends were coming over at seven and the party was starting at eight. I was totally insane for even thinking about it, but I blame peer pressure more than anything else. It's hard to say no to your best friend, your boyfriend, and 50 other kids besides. At least if you want to have any kind of social life.

"I'm making some lemonade, mom. You want some?" I asked her.

It was like five o'clock and there was a casserole in the oven. Mom was sitting on the back porch reading a book, and I guess it was pretty good, since she hardly ever put it down. At least she wasn't watching Oprah and talking about pizzazz.

"Sure, baby," I heard mom answer, like I knew she would. Mom liked lemonade a lot.

I figured it would mask those pills too, even though Pete said they were tasteless. I'd never had any medicine in my life that was tasteless, have you? I opened the capsules, all six of them, pouring the white powdery contents into my mom's glass. And then I scratched my nose for a second, thinking one more for good luck might be wise.

I definitely didn't want mom waking up in the middle of the night and finding a houseful of teenagers drinking, dancing, and most likely fucking. At least me and Scott would be, I knew that, and even if it was just us that Mom caught, that would be bad enough.

So I added a seventh and stirred it all up. There was sugar and lemonade mix in there anyway, nothing ever completely dissolved, so the sleeping medicine didn't look like anything out of the ordinary. I thought about trying it, just to make sure it tasted okay, but I definitely wanted to stay awake. And I probably wouldn't have any fun at all, I realized, I'd be too busy making sure my house didn't get trashed.

"Here you go!" I smiled and tried to look all innocent, but I knew my face was a little red, and my smile looked a little too pasted on. I couldn't look my mom in the eye even. But she barely noticed, being completely absorbed in her book, so that was cool. Except it might have been better if I'd gotten caught, I felt like it anyway. I was drugging my mom and I figured I'd be going to hell for that one.

"Thanks, baby." Mom just looked at the glass, taking a nice big swallow as she returned to her book. "Mmmm, that's perfect."

"Good," I nodded and stood there for just a second, watching her drink more, like half the glass in three gulps. "Dinner will be ready in a bit. I'm gonna go set the table."

"Okay," Mom nodded and I left her there.

I was just getting the casserole out of the oven when Mom came into the kitchen. It was only like twenty minutes later, maybe half an hour at the most since I'd given her the lemonade, and she looked out of it.

"Wow," Mom rubbed her eyes. "I was falling asleep. I think, uh ... I think I'm just going to lay down ... Whew..."

She looked like she was going to fall down and I cursed myself for listening to my friends in the first place, and for adding that extra pill in the second place.

"Hey, here Mom ... Let me help you..."

I managed to help Mom upstairs and into her bedroom. She had a nice one. I mean, the whole house was nice. An old farmhouse, kind of Victorian and super sturdy with real wood everywhere. We had a lot of land around it too, but Mom's parents had sold the real farm, like several hundred acres and the big barns and silos and tractors. All that was just up the road a little. The house had always sat separate from the farm for some reason, but a lot of farms were like that.

Mom tried to undress herself, but that wasn't working and so I had to do that for her mostly, tugging off her jeans and helping her get her old sweatshirt off. She didn't have a bra or anything, and I glanced at her breasts, just comparing, you know. She had tits like mine, really pert and firm, and they didn't sag at all. They were more than a mere handful easy, with nice big nipples. Mine looked identical and I swear, she could have been my twin, almost.

I got her under the sheets, just wearing her white bikini panties and Mom was smiling as she fell asleep. She was out like a light, just sighing a little and then I didn't feel so bad. She'd sleep good, or at least it looked like she would, so maybe Pete had known what he was talking about. I left one light on, a small soft red lamp that Mom kept on her dresser, and closed the door gently.

Now I had to get ready for the party!

Scott, Pete, and Rachel showed up first, just before seven o'clock like I knew they would. I told them we had to make sure all the kegs and beer stayed outside. I had a big porch, going all the way around the house practically, and people could use that. And if they came in the house, like I knew they would, hopefully they wouldn't spill too much. There was a bathroom down there and they could use that, plus all of mother nature outside, and I for sure didn't want anybody going upstairs, no way!

My friends all agreed, giving me the old "Yeah yeah..." but they knew I was serious about it anyway. Steve showed up with his truck about 7:30 and they carted everything around back, putting the kegs on the porch. We dug out some old aluminum wash basins like Grandma used to use, dragging them up from the cellar, putting ice in those and dumping in cans of beer. We had a ton of beer! But those kids could drink a lot too and there was nothing worse than running out in the middle of a party, especially since Scott and Pete were charging five bucks a head to get in.

Parties were always a big business. A lot of people wouldn't show up until late, hoping they wouldn't have to pay, but a lot of people would be there early too and the boys would probably break even on the deal. I didn't really care one way or the other as long as my house wasn't thrashed at the end of it.

"Scott..."

I whined a little because it was like after ten and he'd spent all night stamping people's hands with a "Property of Jackson High School" rubber stamp that he'd swiped from the library. That was how they could tell who'd paid and who hadn't. Pete was stamping people with "Overdue" on the other side of the house.

"What's the matter?" he looked at me.

The stereo was going full blast and I'd checked like an hour before and my mom was totally out. I'd yelled and shook her, seriously, and she hadn't flinched. By the time I found Scott, I'd pretty much forgotten about her since I'd had a little beer and gotten a little buzzed off Tammy's pot. She was the head cheerleader and a total burn. She smoked like an ounce a week I bet, but she could do some serious cartwheels.

"I'm bored..." I grabbed his arm. "I want to do something."

I was pouting like a little girl in my loose jeans and skimpy top, just a thin red halter that hugged my tits. I rubbed my nipples against Scott's arm just so he'd know what I wanted. I wasn't a nympho or anything, I could control myself, but it was getting late and my pussy was itching for some attention. There were already like a dozen couples, high school kids, making out in my living room. That was cool with me too, cause it kept the drinking outside. But seeing them, it made me want some of that myself, you know?