Chapter 3

Ned was on watch, sitting at a ledge at the mouth of the cave. He hadn't really slept all that well; the physical exertion made his muscles ache but his troubled mind couldn't rest, and so he fidgeted nervously, never really getting a proper rest. Dark thoughts wrestled in his mind, and the need for revenge made his stomach churn and his heart thump mightily in his chest. He looked at the cloudy sky from the lip of the cave, his fingers gently caressing his drum, his sole possession in the world now and the last thing he loved.

Theo couldn't sleep either; the realisation that almost his whole life he had been lied to, even if it seemed to be in everyone's best interest, was impossible to fathom. A lot of things were impossible for Theo to fathom actually, but this one in particular stung him like bees from hell. To top it off, there was no-one of his people to talk to about other than the elder, who having fully explained to him how he came to find him one day in the wounds, he fell asleep, the years on his back and the exhaustion from the ordeal with Hobb's raid having exerted their toll on the aged woodkin.

Theo kept to himself, never uttering a word. He sat with his legs crossed, his eyes unable to part with the vista of his village burned to the ground. Little clouds of smoke still gathered above it, but the fires had been extinguished by that time, after having eating almost everything, leaving little for the eye to see that at one time, people had lived there. All that remained, was old Fingammon, sleeping in the cave deeply.

Ned watched Theo absentmindedly, himself lost in thought. He had a sudden realisation then: if it wasn't for the ears and the bunny, it felt to him that he was watching himself. They had both lost their homes, and Theo had never met his parents; in a way, that was worse than what Ned was going through. At least he had some memories. But Theo, thought Ned, all he had to cry for was a bunny with a condition and an amulet that had only caused him disaster.

"It's not easy, is it?" said Ned, speaking from the heart. Theo did not look at him, but simply remained silent, gazing outwards into the sky. Ned walked over him, and sat himself down on the bedrock beside Theo.

"My father was murdered last night," he said. The words spurred something in Theo. He looked thoughtful when he said softly:

"I'm sorry for your loss."

Ned nodded and spent a moment or so watching Theo in silence. The bunny was with him always it seemed. Just holding Bo seemed to be more than important to Theo. The flames on Bo's eyes were a mere prickle of light at that time; he looked content, nibbling a thick wide leaf. It kept looking at Theo as if he knew things were hard for him. Ned thought it wasn't impossible for a flame-eyed rabbit to know such things. It didn't take an expert in magical beasts to realise it when Bo looked at them funny. This was one such time. Theo noticed the look Bo shot Ned, ears pointed eagerly upright, the prickles of light in its eyes brightening up.

"Calm down Bo. He's not bad. The bad men are out there," said Theo with a grittiness that his youthful, woodkin appearance belied. Ned spoke to him earnestly:

"I don't know what you're feeling right now. That would be a lie. But you haven't slept, and I couldn't do that either. I don't know if it's normal. But I'm not feeling tired. Sure, the legs hurt a bit, and my stomach's growling, but that's not the real pain."

Ned let his words trail off awkwardly, remembering what had happened just the night before. He suppressed a tear and feeling somewhat embarrassed, looked the other way. They sat in relative silence for a few moments, interrupted by the far-away chirping of birds and Winceham's occasional saw-like snore. Theo broke the silence then:

"What was your father like?"

Ned's face contorted with a pained frown while he tried to find the words. He tried to put on a slightly sly smile and said:

"When mother died, I was only eight. I remember I knew that she wasn't just somewhere far away or simply sick."

"You were a bright boy then. I was told my parents were eaten by trollsharks. Which, it turns out, simply do not exist. I should've made the connection when I saw sharks in the sea. Everyone knows trolls live under bridges. How could've they met and mated then, right?"

Ned's brow furrowed but not unkindly; it was simply the fact that Theo couldn't fail to surprise him every turn of the way. Being around him made everything normal acquire an interesting flair.

"Right. Well, it wasn't that I was that bright, mind you; it's just that we burned her body. The plague, they said. I couldn't speak to her before she passed, for fear I'd catch what she had," said Ned and looked at his feet for a while before adding, "I think her last words I remember were 'Go on, Ned. Be a good boy and help you father'".

Theo had an understanding look in his bright, green eyes. He pouted his lips slightly and said:

"That sounds ... Well, awful. At least, I never knew my real parents. I knew there was something funny about the skin color of everyone else, but I just thought I'd pick it up while growing. I never thought I was ... Found," he said as he swallowed hard and let his voice trail off, his head lowered moodily. A smile crept up on Ned's face. Theo's naivety was bordering on stupidity as Parcifal would have it, but in his mind, Ned saw a child in a man's body, and that somehow reminded him of himself once more. Strangely, he felt that didn't bother him at all.

"Well, we'll get your people back. With your help. And theirs," he said and pointed to the inside of the cave. He looked at Theo with a gleaming eye and went on: "And I'll avenge my father, and I'll be able to lay his soul to rest."

"Do you think it will be that simple? The golems, the men at his disposal. The magic..." said Theo and looked at Bo momentarily with a frown. The bunny smiled back uncannily for only Theo to see. Ned replied truthfully:

"No, not really. But this is what I have to do. I need this, or else I feel I'll drive myself mad with hate and guilt."

Theo spoke, his words carrying a touch of bitter sweetness:

"I have no-one else to care for than my people, well, except Bo. Even though they're not really my people, I fell I need this as well. Fate, it seems, has brought us together."

"I don't believe much in that sort of thing. It's thinking about fate that keeps people from fighting back. Accepting one's fate, that's the worse that can happen," said Ned and shook his head. Theo looked at him with a wide, gentle smile, accented by the way its edges led to his long, pointy ears:

"I may not have learned much, but I learned that fate is just what binds people together. It's neither a boon, nor a bane; it just is, because we just exist."

Ned raised an eyebrow and seemed to give the notion some thought; he somehow felt lighter alongside the woodkin, as if he could lift his spirits.

"If you put it like that, I have no regrets of a fate alongside you, Theo. You're a good man," he said and nodded with a smile brimming with camaraderie.

"Nah, I'm still a woodkin boy," said Theo dismissively and added, "I still need to learn my way around magic."

Ned furrowed his brow and said loudly:

"But back there, when the mushroom-men attacked, you were fantastic!"

"Really? I kind of never did that before, actually," replied Theo with a sheepish grin that hinted at guilty mischief. Ned was taking Theo's word as not too literal, thinking the woodkin was simply being modest.

"What do you mean? Your hand flew sparks and everything. Well, you almost missed, but that's just takes practice I guess."

Theo smiled broadly and sprang up on his feet. He felt a bit proud, and a bit taller suddenly.

"Now that you mention that, it brought to mind that joke of yours. It was hilarious!" he said and couldn't help giggle just a bit at the thought. Ned looked excited, and that carried on to the volume of his voice when he almost shouted:

"Really?!" Theo nodded in silent affirmation and Bo raised his head alarmingly. Ned went on:

"Well, I've been having a hard time getting people to like those. It's a long way to the top, if you wanna be a bard these days."

Theo asked him:

"You're a bard? What kind of instrument do you play?"

"Oh, I play the drum," said Ned and shot his red birchwood drum a glance, before adding:

"I know it's a little hard to play most omens, prophecies and tales with just a beating drum, but I believe it has great potential. Maybe if more bards got together and everyone played a different instrument, I could be, you know, supporting their music with beating the drum. And then we could tour, get the crowd rolling. It could be amazing," said Ned with childish excitement overrunning his voice.

"I don't want to put you off, but that sounds all wrong. I mean, who would want to see the same bards over and over again? And everyone singing at the same time? Think of the cacophony. Come to think of it, how do you play notes on that thing? I don't see any keys, strings or pipes," said Theo without thinking about it at all. His disarmingly blunt honesty fired Ned up.

"It doesn't have notes! It does have tone values though! And it needs tuning as well! And for your information, people would love to hear the same songs and tales over and over! I know I do! Gods, everyone's an expert now!" shouted Ned with a sudden pang of mild anger. The bunny's eyes produced a burst of flames as Bo turned and looked at him with a twitchy nose. Theo simply spoke his mind:

"I'm just saying, it would be better to stick to the jokes for now. Just until you get that team of bards going."

Ned thought about that for a while. "A team of bards? It's not a race, or a game. It's art; it will be a band of bards. Like, sticking together, but also having room to be free. Experimenting," his words accompanied by wild, excited hand gestures, his voice once again lost in excitement.

"I see. Will it involve jokes? I think it should involve jokes," said Theo and Ned replied in a ponderous voice:

"Maybe, maybe. We'll see, when all this is over. Maybe we could try it together."

Theo shook his head with a frown. "I don't think that would work. I mean, I'm terribly bad at that sort of thing. I once sang in a feast, and the coconut milk went sour for a week. Plus, people tell me I have a really bad sense of humor," replied Theo and Ned realised with a scowl that Theo liking his jokes wasn't necessarily a good thing.

"Oh, well. That sounds ... Well, we'll think of something."

And then they heard a loud sound like a squawk echo from the inside of the cave. Bo's eyes flared up when the sound turned into a growl. They exchanged worried looks and were almost ready to do something stupid when they heard Winceham's voice tied up in a long-winded snarl:

"I'll tell what I've been thinking ... I've been thinking, when this is over and I'm dead, I'm going to haunt you with screeching banshee howls. How can any man get some decent sleep with all of that noise you're making!"

"Oh, it's you," said Ned and relaxed, while Theo tried to apologize:

"We were just talking, Mr. Winceham."

Winceham shot Theo half a look and said while squinting at the overcast sky:

"Mr. Abbermouth. Or Winceham. Can't be both. Apology accepted. It would do you good to take an example from this laddie, Ned," he said and stretched with a yawn.

"More advice, Wince? It doesn't always work, I'm afraid," Ned said and didn't bother to look at the halfuin. Winceham realised Ned was probably still blaming mostly him for what happened at the Sniggering Pig. He'd try and talk it out of him, if he didn't know Ned all too well. He simply changed the subject:

"Any sign of them yet? Where's the bleedin' sun when you need it? What time is it?" he asked and his eyes froze when he saw the bunny turn his head around at an impossible angle, grin at him and hold up a flaming hourglass with his hind legs, writhing with molten fire. It showed the day was well into the afternoon.

"I'd say afternoon," said Theo, looking at the clouds as if he could make out the sun behind them. No-one but Winceham had noticed Bo's antics, or if they had, they didn't look surprised. Winceham thought as much and asked flatly:

"You didn't see that, did you?"

"See what?" said Ned and searched at the sky beyond, for signs of the flying ship or anything equally disturbing that spelled bad news.

"Never mind, it could be because I'm starving," replied Winceham and spent a moment to himself before asking both of them:

"Doesn't all this waiting get to you?"

Suddenly, a shadow seemed to toy with the clouds at a distance. "There! It's coming out of the clouds! See its bow?" cried Ned and pointed to a hazy part of the clouds were the shape of a small ship began to take form. Theo stared for a moment and nodded fervently:

"I see it too! And that red blot! The red octopus on the sail! It's them!"

Winceham said mostly to himself with a scoff:

"As if there's a boatload of ships flying in the clouds. 'Course it's them!"

"Wake the others, Wince!" said Ned and picked up his crossbow and drum.

"So, we're sticking to the plan?" asked Theo. Ned replied without taking his eyes off the ship:

"Of course!"

"Are you sure this will work?" asked Theo and his expression was a mix of indecision, worry and excitement.

"Of course it'll work! Have faith, Theo," said Ned and squeezed Theo's arm reassuringly. He then turned around and saw Winceham filling his pipe without a care in the world, watching as the flying ship's silhouette became clear in the horizon.

"She's a beaut though," said Winceham and lit his pipe. Ned asked with surprise:

"What are you still doing here?"

"You didn't say please," replied Winceham and Ned walked past him and into the cave, ignoring him with a scowling face.

"Don't expect me to," he said as his figure disappeared into the darkness of the cave, Bo hopping alongside him and lighting his path with his flaming eyes.

"You'll be thanking me later!" said Winceham with a grin as he let out a small cloud of smoke through his nostrils.

"Bo! Get back here! Bo, don't get in the water now!" yelled Theo.

Winceham held his pipe in one hand and asked with a sideways look:

"Is your rabbit allergic to water like yourself?"

"No, it's just because of the monsters in the water," replied Theo as if it those monsters were common knowledge.

"There are monsters in the Lake?" asked Winceham with a sudden terrible realisation urging him to start running towards the depths of the cave.

"Aren't there monsters in every lake?" said Theo with an almost appallingly naive smile.

"You thick barkskin! Hurry!" Winceham called after him.

"Why? The bad guys are the other way! That wasn't the plan!" he said even as he ran along. Winceham's shouts echoed faintly from a place where shadow had replaced light utterly:

"The sisters, you idiot! They're bathing in the Lake!"

Parcifal was fidgeting uncomfortably inside their make-shift, make-believe suit. Lernea exhibited magnanimous self-control, but the deadly hawk-like furrow on her face gave away her true feelings. Parcifal simply spoke them aloud instead of holding them within:

"This is ridiculous! Why are we supposed to be the freak of the show?"

Ned was busy searching for the men who had disembarked from the flying ship. He had seen a couple of them, along with an ape-man, and what must've been the Hound Fingammon had heard mention of. Still, as they waded through the bush, approaching Hobb's search party with care, he once more explained to the noble princess why she and her sister, the Queen by right, were wearing a large bear-skin covering up their gear, pretending to be a two-headed freak:

"It's the gear. It's the only way to cover up your gear. I'll be playing the drum and singing, while Theo will be in charge of the pyrotechnics for the show."

"By pyrotechnics, you mean flames and whatnot, right?" asked Theo anxiously. Ned nodded reassuringly. Lernea talked with an impossibly sticky voice reminiscent of what dying in a tar pit would sound like:

"What about the halfuin?"

"No other place to stick him, sorry. He could have been the jester but there's nothing at hand for a jester suit; also, he couldn't dance for the life of him. So, you're the two-headed, six-legged freak," said Ned.

"I get better ideas when nature calls," said Parcifal as she tried to walk in step with the others occupying the same skin, meeting with stumbling success. Winceham's voice came muffled from under the bearskin, and in direct opposition to the sisters on either side of him, sounded positively delighted with Ned's idea about diversionary tactics:

"I can't see a bloody thing in front of me, but I know where to put me hands if I should happen to fall, laddies!", said the halfuin with a rowdy, knowing laughter. Lernea protested:

"That was a sexual innuendo if I've ever heard one! Shameful, Mr. Abbermouth! Recant at once, once more!"

Parcifal's idea of a protest was more physical. "Do that, and I'll make sure you and your hands part ways none too soon," she said with a cold voice and a vicious gaze that searched the clearing ahead for an opportunity to slash something to its death.

"Keep it quiet! Act like it, alright?"

Theo nodded his agreement. He flexed his fingers and kept a wary eye, while Bo burrowed and dug up himself by his side, vigilant flames flaring up from his perky beady eyes from time to time.

"I've already seen the act's preview back in the Lake!" said Winceham and started giggling like some sort of gibbering old fool. Parcifal exchanged a look with her sister and put her boot down hard on Winceham's right foot, while Lernea caught his left arm and dragged him along while he hopped on one foot.

"Ow! No need to get upset!" he said with some real pain echoing in his voice.

"We're not upset. Your feet are too small to notice, that's all," said Parcifal with a blank face and Lernea added as she too, fidgeted inside her suit:

"That was for fooling us out of the water, you perverted thief."

"That was a misunderstanding! His eloquence, the-woodkin-not-from-around-these-parts, Hanulthetryftidor whats-his-name, had me thinking there were monsters in there," said Winceham and even behind the bearskin, his muffled voice made it easy enough to picture him stabbing Theo with an aggravated look.

"Hanultheofodor, though Hanul or Theo will do just fine," replied Theo as he turned to look at the sisters with an overeager smile before adding:

"I'm sorry, but by monsters in that context, I was referring to the water spiders. Bo hates water-spiders for some reason, but they're fairly harmless unless you're a bug, which is what they eat. Mostly."

"Well you're not complaining about Ned! He was there as well!" said Winceham before stumbling over a thick root and grumbling an incoherent curse.

"Ned disciplined himself like a true gentleman and averted his gaze while you kept grinning from ear to ear."

"Right, so I'm to blame for being a hot-blooded halfuin while this lad is still a-"

Ned was about to interrupt Winceham's rant with some mild verbal violence when Theo froze in his stride and whispered:

"It's them; behind those trees. At the edge of the village, near the well. See? The man-apes, Hobb's men, and that thing..."

"The Hound," he said with a feeling of awe and mounting anger as his eyes could not peel away from the three-headed canine, abnormally large, its skin sleek-black like the darkest of nights. A hundred feet or so behind the pirate search party, the silhouette of the ship bobbed lazily in the air, nearly the same height as the treetops. "Alright," said Ned with conviction. "It's show-time. Act natural."

"We're supposed to be a freak of nature. What's natural about that?" said Parcifal dismissively while Lernea tried to fit her bow snugly under the taught bearskin that covered all three of them like an over-sized coat.

"Try to clap along the sound of my beat. When I stop the drumming and singing, have a go at them," said Ned and started off with a drum roll, his red drum strapped in place in front of him, his tinglewood sticks a gift from his father. His voice echoed merrily as he sung at the top of his lungs, alongside the perky beat of his drum:

And it's all for me grog, me jolly, jolly grog

All for me beer and tobacco

Well, I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin

Across the southern ocean I must wander

Hobb's men heard them before they could see them. One of the Hound's head's sniffed the air vigorously, while another turned and looked sideways at Ned and the others as they tried to dance about to the tune, the sisters and Winceham having a real problem standing upright while their dance looked more like a drunken balancing act.

The ape-men grinned broadly at the spectacle, while the buccaneers had the uneasy expression of someone meeting an odd, crazy-looking person on his doorstep asking to use the facilities.

Ned kept at the song as they got closer at a walking pace, and Theo performed a sort of light show, sprinkling shiny dust in the air. Even Bo added his flaming eyes to the performance, hopping eagerly.

Where are me boots, me noggin, noggin boots

they're all gone for beer and tobacco

For the heels they are worn out and the toes are kicked about

And the soles are looking for better weather

And it's all for me grog, me jolly, jolly grog

All for me beer and tobacco

Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin

Across the southern ocean I must wander

Ned exchanged looks sideways with Theo. The ape-men where clapping their hands and jiggling their heads in tune with the beat of Ned's drum, while the buccaneer men pointed a couple of fingers and shot some ugly stares at the two-headed freak. They were in fact arguing whether or not the six-legged weirdo was supposed to be the dancing lead, seeing that the drummer and the clown were busy with their own act. Perhaps not surprisingly, the Hound had its six eyes all set on Bo; the beast looked tense, its lean muscles taut on edge. They were now no more than ten yards away, and Ned was banging away a joyous beat, his voice like hearty laughter through the air:

Where is me shirt me noggin, noggin shirt

It's all gone for beer and tobacco

For the collar is all worn and the sleeves they are all torn

And the tail is looking for better weather

And it's all for me grog, me jolly, jolly grog

All for me beer and tobacco

Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin

Across the southern ocean I must wander

The two-headed freak, the sisters and Winceham in disguise really, tried to clap its hands together on tune but rarely managed to do so. It rather seemed to punch its belly vigorously, both heads smiling brightly as it did so. Winceham's muffled agony at the hands of the sisters was obfuscated by Ned's singing and drum act, while Theo's cantrips had even attracted the gaze of the wary buccaneers who were tapping their boots in tune as well. The ape-men had put down their blunderbusses and were dancing, arm-in-arm, in a rather hairy, unpleasing sight. The Hound though kept trained at Bo who was happily doing somersaults in the air; a flaming rainbow of orange light trailed his eyes. Ned and the rest entered into a circle around the group of Hobb's men, and into the final verse:

I'm sick in the head and I haven't gone to bed

Since I first came ashore from me slumber

For I spent all me dough on the lassies don't you know

Far across the southern ocean I must wander

And it's all for me grog, me jolly, jolly grog

All for me beer and tobacco

Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin

Across the southern ocean I must wander

Ned' voice trailed off and he ventured a somewhat nervous look at Theo. The ape-men staggered as the banging of the drum stopped, and one of the buccaneers asked showing a set of teeth that looked like a puzzle badly missing most of its pieces:

"Oy, what yer' doin' 'roun 'ere now, then? Off ye go, 'less you be wantin' a taste o' me steel."

"And hot lead, aye. Don't forget about hot lead now, Mr. Jessums," added the other one and spat at the ground for no reason at all.

"Are we on yet?" came Winceham's muffled cry from within the belly of the two-headed freak and one of the ape-men was instantly overjoyed:

"It's one of'em velonitrocultists!"

"It's ventrilo-quilts, you dumb ape!" said the other one and Ned shouted:

"We're on!"

The sisters shed the bearskin in one fluid motion, revealing their armor and weapons underneath with Winceham in the middle, holding a rather pointy dagger in one hand and sporting a wild-eyed grin. Theo side-stepped Ned and passed him the crossbow he kept tucked under his robes. Hobb's men were fiddling with the flintlocks on their guns, gnarled looks of surprise on their weather-torn faces; their dropped jaws denoted dental hygiene was probably a pirate's worst fear. One of the ape-men had time enough to ask their pirate handlers:

"Is this part o' the troupe's act?"

Before the brighter of the two had the chance to explain, Ned's bolt had buried itself in his head. The other ape-man looked at Ned with a cocked eyebrow and complained even as his hand reached for the cutlass at his cloth belt:

"That's not entertaining, at all."

"How's this then!" shouted Winceham and with a jolt and a rolling tumble right beside the pirates, reached under the large ape as he was about to have a go at Ned and Theo. Winceham gave the ape-man a quick stab in one leg; blood spurted and the large brute growled in pain as his animal self took over. The pirates were only a pace away from the sisters; free of the constraining bearskin, they truly seemed to dance to an inner beat. The pirates' blunderbusses let off their leaden shots from point-blank range with a thundering boom and a plume of smoke and sparks.

The sisters were nowhere to be seen.

"Oy, these 'basses work bettah when loaded with sumetin', eh?" said Mr. Jessums and jogged the other pirate's shoulder with an elbow. When he gave him a look though, he became morbidly aware that the man's head had been chopped off clean. A few feet away stood Parcifal wielding Encelados in her hand, grinning at the pirate broadly. A few feet behind him, Lernea showed off her skills with the bow.

"One is easy, two is old, three is flashy and four is bold!" she cried and let loose a fistful of arrows headed for the ape-man from a distance a blind man would rarely miss. Sadly though, they zipped by harmlessly and the growling ape charged at Theo with his cutlass swinging down from way up high.

"Do something Theo!" cried Ned as he struggled to reload his crossbow, his drum getting in the way. It was all happening in fractions of a moment; Theo laid there helpless, his hands unable to produce anything other than a trembling motion. His senses had nothing good in stock for him.

Lernea was trying to nock another arrow, and Parcifal was exchanging blows with the remaining pirate. He could hear Winceham cursing as he rushed behind the ape once more, but he was far too slow. And Bo...

Where is Bo?

The thought flashed in Theo's mind as he lay there practically paralyzed. His vision then filled with the image of a white fluffy rabbit smiling at him in an uncanny human fashion; Bo leapt in the air, swung his head around, and shot a pair of small fireballs at the charging ape, who was instantly engulfed in flames. His body came down crashing, writhing in flames, while Theo saw the Hound hurtle past him, ignoring him completely as it was after Bo at a running pace that its size belied. Its three heads shot cones of fire, lightning and acid as it ran after Bo, charring the ground, making plant life in its path fizz away into goo.

Theo shouted "Bo!" with pained affection and worry and ran after the hound heedless of the danger. Winceham stuck his dagger into the charred remains of the ape-man with a wild cheer, while Encelados' clangs came to an end when Parcifal expertly nicked his cutlass away from him and brought her blade against his bare neck. "Yield!" she cried. The pirate glimpsed at Encelados, licked his lips anxiously and said nodding:

"Oy, boyo, I'll do that," he said and raised his arms slowly.

"By Skrala, Temisra guide my arrow!" said Lernea and her bow shuddered as an arrow flew away. It struck the Hound at one of its necks, and caused it to give pause to the chase. The head where the arrow had struck soon fell limp as it died - the other two ventured to pierce the very clouds with their howls and growls. The hound turned about and charged straight at Lernea. Running past a bewildered Theo, the Hound swerved around one of Ned's bolts and shot him a glancing shot of deadly acid breath. Fortunately his drum got in the way, and promptly began to melt away.