Chapter 9: Dr. Jim's Better Idea

Bill spent what remained of a miserable week in bed. Falling in icy water, scraping a shin bloody and throwing a childish temper tantrum plus being so freakin' nervous about Kerri and her legions of tiny but highly itchy bugs and the possibility of 'surgery' on the inside of his dick, broke down his immune defenses and he caught a cold that was the wonder of the land ... household.

The half a quart of 'shine he let DD have to make her 'cold medicine' for her cold, wasn't enough for 'medicine' for both of them. Besides, by the end of the day Friday, due to constant contact with DD, the Sutherland-Fox-Santiago-Davis households were all merrily spreading DD's cold.

The salesman at Sears caught it when DD shook his hand and thanked him for all the tips he'd given her when she was 'romancing the pole.' All he would have had to do was meet the price of the Discount Appliance Mart in Canyon and DD would never have mentioned that he had been one of her best tippers at the 'Gentlemen's Club' ... while his wife was standing there. Nope, Sears claimed to have the best prices in town and that was that. He had a point ... Canyon wasn't in town.

Due to DD's recovering brain ... and remembering years of slights and meannesses, she was on a crusade. The group went from store to store pricing washers and new jeans ... DD shaking hands with every old patron of her satin G string and spreading her brand of 'good cheer' throughout the Armadillo area.

Eventually, they went to the Maytag Service Center and visited the only man in town who came to the club to chat and drink beer rather than to get in DD's generally uncovered snatch.

Yes, the loneliest man in town sold her a three month old spotless and perfect, top of the line Maytag washer with an extended warrantee for a hundred bucks and the promise of a home cooked diner at DD's in two weeks. DD may have included 'benefits' in the deal.

DD did not shake his hand ... No ... she proclaimed her cold as she walked in the door ... refused any contact whatsoever and took his recommendation. Mina paid with Bill's card ... only fair as he was the shampoo man.

Mr. Maytag man delivered, installed, taught the tricks of the new washer and hauled the old one away.

Looking at the dead washer, he said, "I have one of these at the shop ... it runs perfectly but looks awful. I'll have a weeks worth of work swapping parts ... such fun!" He actually rubbed his hands with glee. Not that you could blame the man ... most of the calls about broken washers and other Maytag appliances were fixed by plugging the delinquent appliance's power cord to the wall socket or suggesting that they pay the power bill and have the power turned back on.

On Wednesday, all four households flat on their backs with the cold of the century, the Clinic called. Bill's cell was a wet memory so they couldn't deliver the message. Preliminary tests at the Clinic's small lab had come out negative ... but Bill didn't know that.

He was sure the results had to come from Austin and that was going to take forever. Poor Bill.

Another thing he didn't know was that Kerri had been summoned to the Clinic since she was the primary contact of possible contagion. After checking her responses of possible contacts, those people were escorted to the Clinic and those responses were checked.

STD's are like a large rock thrown in a glassy smooth pond. The ripples keep moving out to the edge until there's no more ripples. If there's positive results, someone throws a second rock until there are ripples running all over the pond.

Condoms help, but the only secure and positive way is abstinence ... in this promiscuous society? Very Funny. Raging hormones can create blazing saddles.

Kerri was clean, Kerri's Papa was clean ... wonder of all wonders. The whole family had crabs but that was simply solved. Kwell shampoo. Or you could shave one side ... douse the remaining forest with gasoline and set it on fire ... and stab the little buggers with an icepick as they fled the area.

Megan also knew the local bootlegger, contracted to have a couple of quarts delivered to DD's and to have one of Blind Jasper's drivers deliver the concoction DD concocted to the families infected. As was mentioned, a cold takes two weeks regardless of medication, DD's Cold Remedy just made it more fun.