Chapter 24: The Valedictory Address

Preparing our valedictory address presented us with a few problems to overcome, not the least of which was that it had to be a joint presentation, since we had been named as the co-winners of the honour, albeit after a little nudge from us to the school administrators.

We had started tossing realistic ideas back and forth a few weeks previously, and finally hit on what we felt was the perfect solution, especially in that it could be delivered as a 'duet' of sorts, with each of us taking on a sentence or two before the other took over. It turned out to be a little harder to write, in that it was a mix of serious, funny, and wistful, but also irreverent in its entirety. However, we were fairly certain, once we got into the rhythm of the delivery, that the total effect would be well-appreciated by the students, and at least accepted by the faculty and staff.

On the day, after the various officials had welcomed the parents, and made their speeches, we were introduced as the co-valedictorians, having finished the year in a statistical tie for first place. This had never before occurred in the history of the school, and had also never been seen in the history of our school district. A second podium had been set up on the opposite side of the stage, so we each took a place. By agreement, I began the speech.

"Ladies and gentlemen, fellow students, honoured guests. In June, 1997, a journalist by the name of Mary Schmich wrote a column in the Chicago Tribune entitled 'Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young.' Some of you may recognize it under a different title, as it was given a musical underlay and made into a record by Baz Luhrman, the noted movie and music producer. Today, we are not going to repeat that collection of advice, but we will instead offer up our own recommendations, drawn from our own experiences in growing up, and preparing for the future." As I finished speaking, she took over with the first part of the meat of our speech.

"Take a deep breath, let it out slowly. Do not get so frazzled at life that you forget to breathe. Life will unfold around you; the world will not stop even if you will it to do so. You are simply along for the ride, so relax and enjoy the journey. King Canute could not stop the tide, and neither can you."

I took over to establish the back-and-forth delivery that we had practiced. "Find a friend. Let them teach you something, as you teach them something. Friends will give you advice, they will give you help, they will tell you the truth when no one else will."

"Yes, those pants do make your butt look big. No, those colours don't go together. Yes, he's cheating on you. No, you shouldn't go out with him."

"Travel. See parts of the world before you get too jaded, or too busy with work. Fly somewhere while you still think that flying is fun, and before it becomes a pain because of cramped planes and snarly airport security people."

"See a famous place. If you're Catholic, go to St. Peter's Square. If you're Anglican, go to Westminster Abbey. If you're in love, go to Paris. If you're funky, go to Amsterdam. If you're always cold, go to Bali. If you're always hot, go to Nunavut."

"See the Pyramids. Walk along the Great Wall. Greet the Incas at Macchu Picchu. Swim with the dolphins. Pet the killer whales. Play with the sea otters. Stand on the slopes of a volcano. Have a massage in the Blue Grotto."

"Go to a nude beach, and walk along the sand. Baz Luhrman said to always wear sunscreen, and you should for that activity. Sunburn on tender places can ruin an entire vacation."

"Never be without a passport, so that you can take off for some exotic locale at the drop of a hat."

"Take responsibility for every area of your life, and all of your actions. Stop blaming other people for mistakes that you have made as you go through life. Strive for excellence, not perfection."

"Don't be afraid to say 'I made a mistake, ' or 'I don't know.' People will think more of you for showing a little humility, and being less arrogant than you might be."

"Accept that life is not fair, and deal with it. If it rains, you will get wet. Learn to embrace it and move on. Build on the experience, and don't dwell on the downside."

"Learn something new every day, even if it is only a piece of trivia. Life is a constant exercise in learning. You will be looked on in a kinder light if you absorb the knowledge quietly rather than spending your time passing it on to others, loudly."

"Leave everything a little better than you found it. Pick up after yourself, and put your junk in the garbage. Clean your room before your mother yells at you. Bring the car back with more gas in it than there was when you took it. Clean graffiti off historical things, and don't leave your own."

"Learn to speak as many languages as you can. Language exercises and grows the brain like nothing else, and the knowledge will take you far in your travels. Don't be the ugly tourist who thinks that the way to communicate is to just yell louder in English."

"Do not flaunt your IQ, especially if you know what it is. Remember that half the people you deal with in life will have an IQ of less than one hundred. Learn how to deal with them gently, so that they become your friends and assistants, and not your enemies."

"Learn the first law of circular bureaucracy, which says that he..."

" ... or she..."

" ... who identifies a problem ultimately gets it back for resolution."

"Remain friends with your parents. They really are looking out for your welfare, and will be able to guide you around the potholes that life always puts in your path."

"Say 'please' a lot, and say 'thank you' just as much. Be the most positive person you know. Smile at people and say 'hello' for no reason at all. Tip your waitress a little extra, just because she smiled at you at breakfast."

"Don't be afraid of things, but don't jump in without having some idea about what you are getting into. Too many people in this world have as their sole aim a plan to part you from your money, your health, or your life."

"You don't have to be rich to fulfill your dreams. You can be poor in money and still be rich in friends, family, or station in life. Strive to make more of yourself, and you will always be better and richer than those around you."

"Don't spend all your life playing video games, or watching TV. Too many hours are lost when you could be exploring the world, solving a great mystery, or becoming closer with friends. Turn your phone off occasionally, and talk to your friends rather than texting them. Become a great communicator, and not just a great talker."

"Do not move into your parent's basement, or their pool house, after graduation. Find work, build yourself into whatever you want to be, and become more than they ever were. Every generation needs to go further, higher, and faster than the one before."

"Don't waste time on your looks, but do spend time on your shape. Resolve that you will grow old, and your hair will fall out or turn grey. Not to worry, because you will grow new hair in strange places to replace it. Unless you look after it, your body will sag and get fat, and you will get lazy or sick. Stay active, exercise, chase your dog or your children and make fun out of staying in shape. After all, you want to be able to have sex until you're too old to remember what it was, and the more active you are, the later that will be."

"Don't shy away from sex, for it is fun and fulfilling, and great exercise, and it brings you closer to your partner. Regardless of what the grownups tell you, it isn't just for procreation, nor was that the only reason why they indulged in it."

"Sing in the shower, and dance when the spirit moves you. People may think you're crazy, but you can always say it was supposed to be a flash mob, and maybe you got the address wrong."

"Be ready for the little experiences that present themselves in everyday life. Wave back at kids on school buses. Put a quarter in a parking meter that just expired. Embrace your friends and tell them you are glad they are in your life."

"Find your soulmate, and fall in love. With luck it will be deep and passionate and last forever. Never settle for second best in love, because that path leads only to sorrow. You should be best friends first, then lovers, then partners. Discuss things together, reach a mutual decision, and put all of your hearts and minds into the relationship."

"If you're really lucky, you will love that person as much as I love my fiancée, the valedictorian..."

" ... and as much as I love my fiancé, the valedictorian."

"From today, go forth into the world in peace, with love, and do your best to change it for the better. Congratulations to all of you!"

We ran to the middle of the stage, and gave each other a high-five, laughing wildly. The audience was on its feet cheering, whistling and clapping. I swept her into my arms and lifted her off the floor into a huge kiss, completely in violation of the school's policy on public displays of affection. This only got us an even bigger cheer. When we broke apart, we started laughing again, and waved our arms in triumph.

As the din lessened, we moved to the main podium to receive our diplomas and various academic awards. The tradition in our school was that the valedictorian would receive his or her diploma and awards before everyone else. With co-valedictorians, the tradition was expanded to include the two of us.

After collecting the detritus of our academic achievements, we moved off the stage to allow the rest of the ceremonies to start. I led her into the wings, and into the Technical Services room. In a somewhat clichéd situation, I had been a member of the stage support crew for the drama club and the annual variety show, so I had access to all of the backstage areas. It also meant that I knew about parts of the school to which few people were privy. We left our things in the Technical Services room, and I led her back out to a corner of the wings.

Almost hidden in the corner was a steel ladder bolted to the concrete block wall. "Follow me," I whispered into her ear, and started to climb the ladder. After ascending about twenty feet, I took a small flashlight out of my pocket and turned it on. I used it to guide us off the ladder and onto a platform. There was a walkway that ran off at an angle. I took her hand to help her along it, as there was only emergency lighting up here.

We arrived at a rather strange place in the rafters of the stage. There was a roughly square area surrounded by concrete walls, descending below where we stood. In effect, it was a concrete pit, about six feet deep, with a ladder down one wall. In the middle of the pit was a massive steel electrical box whose surface was covered with various high-voltage breaker switches. The most incongruous thing in the pit was a hammock, strung from one wall to another, set just far enough from one side that you could swing without hitting the walls.