Chapter 15: Crawling Naked

It was hard for Alicia to confine herself to the upper half of her life. She decided to bury herself in work, which was both a good and a bad thing. Her Club-adventures had made her fall behind with her work to the point where clients threatened to take their business elsewhere. She needed weeks to repair the damage and another few to attract new business.

The bad thing was that she only saw Rita in the weekends — and even then only part of them. They used to hike and have picnics or went to go shopping or see movies. It all had to yield for work now, just as it had yielded for the Club's adventures in the months before. The girl never complained, which only resulted in neglecting her more. And when Alicia's horniness overwhelmed her, she just used Rita to get off quickly before falling into an exhausted sleep.

Gina kept calling her and sending e-mails that became more urgent with every passing week. She wanted Alicia to come with her to her Philippine paradise. Gina subtly pointed out how hard it must be for Alicia to make a living and keep her business afloat. Was it worth all this work? Was it worth losing all her fun time?

She knew Alicia was very proud of her independence as a businesswoman, so she took much care not to hurt her ego. Especially at times when Alicia complained about things going less well, she told her how much easier life could be. Through her network Gina could get her enough and much nicer projects, if she wanted to.

One night — or very early morning, really — Alicia woke up from a bad dream. She was soaked in sweat and knew she wouldn't catch much sleep again anyway. So she went down and sat in front of her monitor. Moments later Gina came on line and she started chatting with her. They used a web cam connection and it showed Gina topless on the screen. She urgently whispered to Alicia while fondling her large and excited nipples.

Alicia held her eyes closed, just letting the stream of sexual innuendo wash over her while her fingers rubbed her clit. A sudden gasp startled her. She looked back, straight into Rita's face. The girl pointed a trembling finger at the monitor, asking: "Who ... what is this? What are you doing?"

Alicia was hopelessly aware of the compromising location of her sticky fingers and the pornographic picture on the screen. "Oh, sweetie," she tried. "It really is nothing, okay? Just work, uhm ... just a thing I..."

Tears jumped to Rita's eyes. "Bullshit!" she cried out — a word Alicia had never heard her use before. "Don't lie to me! You really think I am a stupid fool, don't you? Just stupid Rita to cheat on as much as you like."

"But Rita, sweetie," Alicia tried again, weakly. The girl turned around and as she walked away she yelled: "Fuck you, Alicia! You can have all the big titted whores you want. I am out!"

Alicia found herself standing stupidly in her white t-shirt, her panties down her ankles, staring to where Rita had left. She groaned. The soft metallic voice from the computer asked if everything was all right.

Only minutes later the front door closed with a bang.

Between her demons and her work she now had the whole empty, echoing house to herself. She cried for hours and didn't leave for days. She tried to phone Rita, but only got her voice-mail, which she filled with unanswered messages. Gina called her and sent her e-mails that she didn't answer. Then one day her doorbell rang.

Alicia was still in her robe when she opened her door. It was Gina, done up immaculately and dressed in her sharpest suit. Behind her was a black cab, idling. "Get dressed, girl, and come with me. We need to talk," the woman said in her most businesslike voice.

"I can't. I have work to do," Alicia said, hesitating whether she should close the door or invite the woman in.

"You don't," Gina answered, solving her dilemma by walking up and taking Alicia with her inside. "Go fill a suitcase, sweetheart. I have a present for you and you can only say "no" to it after you've seen it. Now hurry, the world doesn't wait."

Alicia had this thing with Gina that she could not explain. She knew how to refuse what the woman pushed her to do, but never in her face. She always found a million good reasons to say "no" to Gina, but only afterwards when she was on her own again.

It was a weakness she hated. At every confrontation she felt an urge to please the woman. So she went out of her way to avoid them. And if she couldn't avoid them she gave in, just like she did now — hating herself for it at the same time.

Her mind raced with subdued anger and powerless resistance while her hands filled a suitcase with blouses, bras and skirts, panties, shoes, stockings and toiletries.

All the while Gina was talking, telling her she needed to get out, meet people and see places. She told her how unhealthy it was to give in to loneliness and to wallowing in misery. Even after they slid into the car and drove off, Gina went on and on, her words effectively plugging Alicia's venues of reasoning.

"Where are we going?" she asked at last. But Gina just took her face and placed it in her lap, stroking her hair.

"You'll see," she said, smiling. "Take a little nap, darling, you'll need it."

When the car stopped, Alicia saw they were at an airport. The cab wormed its way through throngs of other cabs and buses to reach the curb in front of the glass entrance. Alicia smelled a whiff of kerosene. It always filled her with the excitement of travel. Not this time.

She touched Gina's arm, but the woman ignored her. She was busy instructing the driver who piled their baggage on a trolley. So she tugged at her sleeve until Gina turned to her.

"I ... I don't want this, Gina," she said, raising her voice over the din of traffic. "I told you. I don't want to go."

"Yes, you do," Gina said. "You promised, remember?" She turned away and followed the driver and their trolley inside.

Standing alone at the curb, Alicia felt lost. She may have promised, but she did not want this. What could she do? Her suitcase was inside already and she had no transport home. She doubted if she even had enough money.

She went inside. Gina waited halfway down the shining hall, looking back. She waved impatiently.

"Come on, girl, we don't have forever."

Alicia once more froze. She heard heels rapping an angry tattoo on the stone floor as Gina walked back to her.

"What is it, sweetie?" Gina asked, pulling the girl with her. "We came all this way. You can't let me down now?" Her hand was around Alicia's arm, radiating warmth.

"I don't really want this, Gina, okay? It is very sweet of you, but please, another time?"

Gina looked around. She was getting agitated. Her effort to keep her voice down gave it a sharp and hissing quality.

"You can't do this to me, you ungrateful bitch. I offer you the world and you say no? I have been busy for days to organize this perfect holiday for you and you throw it back into my face?"

Alicia saw the frustration break through Gina's mask of sweetness. Her first reflex was to accommodate. A familiar feeling of guilt crawled into her heart. Don't be difficult, silly girl, a little voice said. She knew that voice; it was her mother's. Don't you dare resist this powerful, wealthy woman, you insignificant, worthless creature. She gives you all this in her infinite goodness and you refuse? Did I teach you this ingratitude?

Heat rose from her collar. The world seemed to shrink around her, as her vision focused on the eyes of the woman. Then she shook her head, let out an explosion of pent-up air and grabbed her suitcase off the pile on the trolley.

Its tiny wheels shrieked and weaved behind her as she ran out of the hall and on to the bus stand. Her heart was in her throat. She still panted after sitting down in the bus that would take her home — whatever was left of it.

"It looks lovely," Alicia said, admiring the mirrored bar with its brass trimmings and blood red floor, shining in the dim lights all around. Soft music filled the air. "Sluttish," she went on. "But lovely."

"Thank you," Sarah Lust said, grinning. "Our customers love it that way and that's the important thing, don't you agree? A drink, sweetie?"

After returning from the airport, Alicia had tried to pick up her work-only routine again. It took her three days to admit that going on like this would slowly drive her out of her mind. But she would not go back to the Club, ever.

Sitting alone, sipping wine, she considered her life since her divorce. She agreed that there were after all only two things that were important to her. One was her independence through building her small graphic design business. It was maybe the only thing guarding her against the total break down of her self-esteem.