Chapter 4

Conflicts

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here,
from [your] dark cold [bed]room
and the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of the angel;
may you find some comfort here

Adapted From, "In the Arms of The Angel", Sarah McLachlan

Laci dreaded opening the door to the apartment. There was no way of knowing what might be waiting for her behind it. She'd gone to the city's library to do her homework rather than come here a minute sooner than she had to.

Last night, her first night away from Karen since the blizzard, hadn't been too bad. The apartment was quiet. Her mother Sandra and the nameless boyfriend du jour were passed out. Before going to bed for the night, Laci and Karen talked on the phone about ... stuff. Nothing earth-shaking or overly sexy, just pleasant things that left Laci feeling loved and warm. Later, when she woke up during the night, she could hear her mother and her boyfriend grunting and rooting like pigs in the other bedroom, a sound that left her cold and disgusted.

Now, she took a deep breath and opened the door. The place was as she'd left it this morning. The same dirty dishes were piled precariously in and around the sink. A mass of trash hid the kitchen table. Empty beer cans, bongs, and liquor bottles littered the living room floor. Her mother, a sleazy old woman of 30, was on the threadbare sofa vaguely watching TV and drinking a beer. "Where the fuck you been, you fucking little slut?" she greeted Laci.

Laci cringed then flared. "What the hell do you care. Out!" she snapped.

"Yeah, you been out fucking my boyfriend, haven't you, you fucking little whore! I seen him looking at you, don't think I didn't notice."

The thought instantly made Laci sick to her stomach. Her anger surged out. "You disgusting bitch!" she yelled "You are one sick fucking bitch! You call me a slut? If I'm a slut, where the fuck did I learn it?"

Sandra got up from the couch on shaky legs, and her eyes gleamed with bitter anger. She was high, probably on meth or coke, and she was spoiling for a fight. "That's right, a no good fucking whore, and a goddamned fucking thief! You stole forty bucks from me, you little cock-sucking whore!"

"Fucking drug money, you bitch! Money to buy fucking drugs instead of food! That's what you think of me, drugs are more important."

"Yeah, well, maybe I need to get high just to put up with you, you cock-sucking little whore!"

Laci surged inside, dimly aware that she was on the verge of losing control. "What the fuck did I ever do!" Laci screamed. "What the fuck did I ever do that you have to treat me like a piece of trash? What the hell did I do for you to hate me?"

At one time, as a teenager, Sandra had been a fairly attractive girl, attractive enough that she was knocked up with Laci at fifteen, and not completely sure who the father was. Now, she was scrawny and worn, her skin wrinkled and pockmarked with scars, her hair a stringy, greasy rat's nest. All her upper teeth were missing and she didn't bother with dentures. Her breath, her whole body, smelled like an old outhouse. "You were fucking born! How's that for starters? You been a pain in my ass since the day you was born! I knew I shoulda got a goddamned abortion!"

It was a cruel, low blow. "So that's it, you no good sick fucking asshole. You shoulda abortioned me but you wanted the fucking welfare check instead! I've been a fucking welfare check since the day I was born! That's all I am to you, a fucking welfare check so you can buy drugs and booze!" Laci spat, her arms flailing. "You hate me even more 'cause I ain't knocked up yet to bring in more welfare money!"

"That's all you're worth! That's the only thing that makes you worth anything, you rotten little whore!"

Laci cried out, "You ain't gonna be happy until I'm as fucked up as you are! Well, let me tell you, bitch! That ain't gonna happen! I gonna do something with my life besides stick a fucking needle in my arm! Some goddamned mother you are! What the fuck did I ever do to make you want to ruin my life?" Hot tears welled up, but she fought them, not willing to give her mother the satisfaction.

Sandra had moved dangerously close to Laci. "For starters, trying to steal my boyfriends! You think you're such a hot fucking little slut! You think I forgot about that time when you was seven? Caught you trying to suck my boyfriends cock? What kinda daughter does that, tries to steal her own mother's boyfriend! And now, trying steal Gerry? You think you're a hot bitch, can wiggle your ass and get what you want. But oh no, not here, you no good little cunt."

It would take time before the full implications of those words dawned on Laci. Even incompletely registered, they were enough to push Laci over the edge. "You! Make! Me! Sick!" she screeched. "You make me wanna puke!" She pushed her mother back with both hands, making Sandra stagger. Laci grabbed an empty liquor bottle from the counter and flung it. It smashed against the wall.

"That better not been full," her mother growled darkly.

"Fuck you!" Laci screamed. This time she flung a dirty glass, a plate with dried-on food, and a cup. Each shattered against the wall with a crash. "Anyone who'd fuck you is a worthless loser who can't fuck a real woman!"

"Oh you hateful bitch!" her mother hissed. She took two steps toward Laci.

Laci grabbed a knife from the counter. It was only a butter knife, but simply grabbing it had the desired effect. Her mother stopped, her face twisted in a snarl. "You hateful little cunt, I'll get you!" Sandra turned and moved unsteadily back to the couch.

"Go ahead and try, you disgusting asshole!" Laci screamed after her.

It dimly registered in Laci's mind that her mother was high on smack or oxycodone today. If it had been meth or coke, the fight would have turned violent the instant Laci grabbed the knife. Instead it was over. Her mother would forget all about it by morning, probably wondering how the dishes got broken.

Laci stormed off to her room, and her mother flung a parting "Slut!" after her from the living room.

Laci was shaking when she double-locked the door and flopped on her bed. She clenched her hands into fists and pounded the bed.

She was still shaking with fury when she looked at her cheap watch. Almost ten o'clock. Karen would call soon, and she needed to calm down before then. She looked around her room. It was her haven in the tempest of her life. She gave her mother credit for one thing: she rarely bothered Laci when the bedroom door was closed.

Laci was naturally neat and orderly, and her room reflected it. Her clothes were all folded and put away or hung up in her closet. Her little desk was tidy and the posters on her walls, mostly super models and pop idols, were hung with care.

She opened her window and lit a cigarette before Karen called. It was only yesterday that Karen finally dropped her off after the blizzard. They'd be back together Friday, the day after tomorrow, but yesterday seemed ages ago, while Friday seemed ages to go. Having Karen call before bedtime was the only thing that kept her going. She let her thoughts drift back to the weekend.

It had been magic, start to finish. When they woke Sunday morning, the power was back on, the wind had died off, and the snowfall slowed so much that the trees on the other side of the street were visible. The landscape was brilliant white, and the road was plowed, creating monster snowbanks.

They luxuriated in a hot bath together, making love as they soaked. They washed each other's hair, giggling like little kids. They spent the afternoon on the sofa, cuddled up, Laci drinking hot chocolate, Karen tea, watching DVDs and being lazy. At one point, Karen spent half an hour gently stroking Laci's sex until the pressure inside the girl's mound became irresistible and burst over her.

Sometime around dusk, a commotion started outside. Karen leaped up to find the plow man and his crew had arrived to dig them out. Four men with snow blowers and shovels carved a path through the huge bank at the driveway entrance left by the city plow, so the plow truck could get in and clear the dooryard. Karen quickly dressed, put on a pot of coffee and brought each crew member a steaming mug. Within an hour, they were done. Each crew member left with his wallet fattened by Karen's twenty dollar tip.

Karen and Laci retreated to the bedroom and spent the evening snuggling in bed, making love. Laci couldn't get enough of Karen's caresses and kisses and the rippling bursts of warmth they sent washing over her. Nor, it seemed, could she get enough of exploring Karen's sex with her own fingers and tongue, marveling at each newly discovered intricacy. At last, they slept warm and content.

The next day, Monday, the sun was back, and it exploded off the snow like a million searchlights. After breakfast, Karen dug out some of Amy's old winter clothes for Laci, and they went out to play in the snow. Laci waded into a virgin patch of snow only to retreat when it swallowed her up to her tummy. It was too powdery for snowballs, but it was fine for scooping and throwing at each other in gauzy puffs. They squealed and laughed and smooshed snow in each others faces and licked it off and threw more. They chased each other around the cleared dooryard, climbed the snowbanks, and kissed while they laughed atop the artificial hills. It was only when they were frigid and wet that they went in to luxuriate in another hot bath.

It was only just before sleep that a sense of agony crept over Laci. Tomorrow was Tuesday and time to return to school and the squalid life she so wished to leave forever. She bravely kept her composure, even the next morning when Karen dropped her off at the school. It was hard, and tears threatened, but she managed. "I know, kitten," Karen soothed, not daring to kiss the girl in public. "I'll call you tonight. Every night. And we'll be together again Friday. Okay?"

Laci, her lower lip trembling, a pain throbbing in her mid-section, nodded and climbed out of the vehicle, dashing into the school before she succumbed to the tears.

Remembering the magic time calmed Laci and pushed back the memory of the fight with her mother. Laci sighed and finished her cigarette. She closed the window and undressed, stripping off everything but her panties. The cold air made her little nipples stand out and she caressed them, marveling at the delicious tickle it sent through her. She was self-conscious about her small breasts, but she reminded herself Karen liked them just fine. She posed in front of the small mirror on the back of the door. She thrust her little mound forward and tried on her best shyly flirtatious look. She bit on her finger and pouted out her lower lip while she rolled her hips side to side. Karen would shiver at a look like that and call her a naughty, sexy little muffin. Wasn't it so awesome that she could make Karen feel that way?

Laci giggled and turned away from the mirror, and dug out the pink nightie with a kitten on it that Karen gave her to take home. She sniffed it. It still smelled vaguely of her pussy from masturbating this morning, and it gave her a pleasant thrill.

Laci shook out her hair and went to her closet to retrieve her most prized possession. Before leaving Tuesday, Karen gave her a small, faded white Teddy bear, one she said had been hers when she was a little girl. Karen had once intended to give it to Amy, but ... Now it was Laci's, and last night she held it close when she burrowed under the blankets. But there was something else she treasured, something even Karen didn't know about.

She had a photograph from last summer of Karen with her arms thrown over Laci's and Amy's shoulders. All three were smiling. It had been taken out by the pool before Amy had her emotional melt-down. "Me and my girls," Karen said when she gave a copy to Laci last summer. Last night Laci took a pair of scissors and carefully snipped Amy out of the photo. Now it was just her and Karen, smiling and happy. She tucked the picture between the Teddy bear's arms and hugged it when she flopped on her bed.

She held her phone in one hand while she pressed and massaged her lower tummy with the other. The ugly scene with her mother had faded, tucked safely into the mental closet where she put Bad Things.

Her phone trilled just before 10 o'clock. A jolt ran through her. She was smiling when she answered it. "Hi!"

Karen leaned back in her swivel chair and stretched. She glanced at her watch. Almost eight o'clock. She'd worked 14 hours both yesterday and today just to keep busy. As good as busy was, there came a time when she needed to go back to the empty house if only to sleep and shower. But more importantly, she had go home to talk to Laci, talk to her and reach across the ether to caress her, and be caressed by the child's own sweet voice.

Karen shut down her computer. She slipped on her wool coat and her gloves, grabbed her purse, and stepped out into the night, turning off lights and arming the security system as she went.

It had been brutally cold ever since the blizzard, so cold at night that taking a normal breath hurt. She dove into her car and started it. The dash temperature display read -5. "Shit," she muttered. Another electric blanket night. Having her girl-lover cuddled up next to her would be so much more effective.

When Karen got home, she hurried into the house, relieved that she'd left the thermostat at 70. She shrugged off her coat and pulled off her boots before lighting a cigarette and doing mundane chores to fill the time until ten o'clock when she'd call Laci.

Chores finished, Karen went upstairs to get ready for bed. It had been only a day and a half since she dropped Laci off, but it felt like weeks. What's happened to me? Karen thought as she stripped off her clothes. I've never felt anything like this in my entire life. What has that little nymph done to me? I can't stop thinking about her, wanting her, needing her. Good God, I'm head over heels in love with that sweet little girl, and it hurts when she's not with me. I need her with me all the time. It's time to get off my ass and set up that home office down in the den. Better still, I need to call Adele and see if her offer still stands, and just get us the hell out of this town altogether. But goddamn, I can't take not seeing her until Friday, I just can't!

Karen spat toothpaste foam into the sink and rinsed. It was quarter of ten, almost time. She slipped a short flannel nightie on over her otherwise naked body and padded off to the bedroom. She clicked on the electric blanket, lit a final cigarette, and pulled an outfit from the closet for tomorrow. In spite of the frigid cold, she decided on a skirt for easy access. She'd halfheartedly tried to masturbate in her office that afternoon, but pants made it too difficult to attempt with any discretion.

Her cigarette finished, Karen slid under the warm sheets while clutching the portable phone. Her heart sped up and her fingers trembled as she punched Laci's cellphone number.

Laci answered on the first ring, her voice tense yet relieved. "Hi! Oh God Karen! I miss you!"

A wave of dizziness, as if she were about to faint, washed over Karen. "Laci, my sweet baby!" she groaned softly. "I miss you, too."

"I wish you were holding me."

Karen sighed. "Soon, honey girl. I'll hold you and kiss you and make love to you. You're my beautiful, sexy girl. In the meantime, how's school? What are you learning?"

"Okay, I guess," Laci said. "Let's see. In English, we're learning to break apart sentences into clauses and stuff, and how to use punctuation. Oh! I got my vocabulary quiz back and I got a hundred on it!" The pride in her voice beamed through.

"Excellent, baby! I knew you'd do it! You're not only sexy, you're extremely smart, too. It would be a shame to waste your intelligence. We're going to find your natural talent, and then I'll make sure you have the chance to run with it."

"You think I do? Have a natural talent?"

"Of course you do."

"I like art class a lot, it's my favorite. And I like English, I never knew I'd like reading and stuff."

"Maybe you'll be an artist. Or a writer. Whatever it is, I'll make sure you have the chance to work at it."

"I won't let you down."

"Oh sweetie, I know you won't. What are you doing right now?"

A giggle. "Talkin' to you."

"I mean beside that," Karen smiled.

Laci said softly. "Not much. Touching myself a little."

"Only a little?" Karen teased.

Karen could hear Laci's smile. "Yeah, just a little. It feels nice. Not to come or anything, just 'cause it feels nice to hear your voice. Should I do it harder?"

"If you want to. We can just talk for now. Just do whatever feels right, kitten."

"Are you touching yourself, too?"

"Of course. It's impossible not to when I'm talking to you." And indeed, Karen skimmed the very tips of her fingers up and down the surface of her sex. Laci was right. It simply felt good, relaxing. "I'm not going to make myself come, either. I do this a lot, just caress myself because it feels good and relaxing. I don't need to come every time."

"Are you at home or still at work? Did you work late again tonight?" Laci asked with a slightly scolding tone.

"I'm home, but yes," Karen admitted. "I worked until eighty-thirty, nine o'clock."

"Why do you work so much? It can't be good for you."

Karen chuckled at Laci's gentle reproach. "There's work to be done, honey. Besides, it helps to keep me from thinking about you too much. If I do, it drives me crazy."

"Friday seems like forever away."

"How are things at the apartment? Are you being left alone, not bothered?"

"I had a fight with my mother tonight," Laci said, matter of factly.

"What?" Karen said, perking up. "About what? How bad?"

"Oh, the usual, she hates me and blames me for all the problems in her shitty life. She screamed at me, I screamed at her, I got wicked mad. It started when she figured out I took that forty dollars of drug money to take the taxi to the house. It wasn't the worst fight we ever had. She's passed out now — I think. She won't even remember it tomorrow."

"Goddamit," Karen muttered. "Are you okay? Are you safe?"

"Oh yeah," Laci said casually. "It's not that bad, she isn't gonna try to, like, stab me or anything. She's just a nasty, gross bitch. We fight all the time."

There was an unpleasant bunch in Karen's stomach. "Damn, honey," she muttered. "You say that like it's normal, but it isn't." She sat up and reached for her cigarettes. Stress, enough stress for half a dozen women. Hardly aware that she was about to say it, Karen blurted, "Laci, honey girl, I need to see you tomorrow or I'll lose my mind."

"Tomorrow?" Laci's voice rose excitedly. "Oh Karen! Do you mean it?" She sat up in bed like a startled cat, all thought of masturbating gone.

"I can't go another day not seeing you. And it makes me sick to think of you ... there. Alone."

"Oh Karen," Laci groaned. "I need to see you too, more than anything."

"Okay, kitten. I'll take a supper break at five when everyone else leaves the office, and I'll come pick you up then. We can at least have a couple of hours together."

"I wish it could be more than a couple hours."

"We'll have the whole weekend together."

"I wish it could be more than a weekend. Like for always."

Karen smiled. She understood that feeling. "Soon, Laci love. I promised and I keep my promises."

Laci was standing on the library steps in the dim glow of the streetlight when Karen pulled up. Laci's heart leaped, and she bounced on her toes. She clapped her mittened hands, grabbed her back pack and scampered to the car. Seeing Karen made Laci's head all swirly. "Karen!" she whimpered.

Karen leaned over and cupped Laci's face in her trembling hands. A soft, shaky groan slipped out when she went to kiss her child lover. Their parted lips came together firmly, and they both thrust their tongues in search of the others. Laci's pulse hammered in her head, and she squirmed, trying to push herself into the warmth and safety her lover's embrace.

It hurt when Karen pulled her lips away. Laci bunched her fists in frustration while her insides screamed.

"I know, baby," Karen said, still holding Laci's face in her palms. "I need you. But not here."

Laci slumped back and looked blankly at the roof of the car. She groaned and whispered, "I know. But I love you!" she cried, turning to look at Karen.

"Let's go where we can hold each other." Karen shifted the car into drive and pulled out.

"It's not fair," Laci proclaimed. "We can't even kiss even though we're in love with each other! It's not fair!"

Karen reached over to squeeze Laci's thigh. "No, kitten, it's not fair. But we don't make the rules. But we'll make do however we have to."

Laci buckled in and looked over at Karen with a loving gaze. "Can I have a cigarette?"

"You know you don't have to ask."

Laci took a cigarette, lit it, and had a drag before handing it to Karen. "Where're we going? To your office?"

"Yup. Is that okay with you?"

Laci laughed. "I'd be happy if we were in the back of a parking lot, as long as we can be together ... at least for a while."

"How did school go today?" Karen squeezed Laci's thigh again.

"Good, really good. The art teacher told me I had a knack for understanding colors and how they work together," she said proudly.

"Yeah, I can see that. From the way you dress, and how you do your make up."

Karen wheeled the car, tires squeaking on the frigid, dry snow, into her parking spot at the office. "Let's get inside before we freeze our tushies off."

It was even colder than when Karen left the office half an hour ago. She shuddered as she disarmed the security system and led Laci inside. "My office is over here," Karen said, taking Laci's hand in hers. She flicked on the lights.

Laci looked around. "Wow," she said. "Pretty cool." The office was simple though hardly spartan. Karen's large oaken desk was in the middle of the comfortable room, flanked by chairs for clients. Laci shrugged off her jacket so Karen could hang it on the back of the door. "No one else is here?"