Chapter 7

I am feeling a little lethargic today. I was able to get about 4 hours of sleep over night.

I feel rested for some strange reason.

Perhaps it is melancholy.

Perhaps it is nerves.

I do know the darkness is there. I can see it. I can feel it. But it does not scare me. I may not be out of the woods but I have a bright torch and a spare (backup!) at the ready.

I always do the backup thing. In all facets of my life. You name it and I have a backup or spare in place.

I may have also forgotten to mention that along with my therapist, I did tell my sister all about my revalations. I even told her it would be easier for me to write this all down and then share it with her on here.

I assured her I would not be using any of OUR names. I have no idea if anyone I actually know would find themselves reading any of my words.

I really do not care, other than the fact that I don't want my kids or their friends to be able to look at this and say, "Oh, Wow, that sounds like Mr..."!!

Well, perhaps if one of her friends suddenly came by and said, "Hi, Mr...". "You did not scar me or give me demons. You opened my eyes and I told my mom all that happened."

I can dream, eh?

So, here we were in North Tonawanda. I suddenly wanted to write to a friend or two in Springfield.

I went looking for my sheet of paper. I knew I had kept it in one certain place. And it was not there.

Oh, no. No. It could not be.

Mom could not remember if she put it some place else or if I had even packed it for our move.

Well, wait a minute. I knew I had seen it shortly after arriving. It had to be in this house. It was not left behind.

I never did find it. And at one point I know I vowed to myself to find a real hiding place to keep anything that I valued. I did not want anyone. Anyone. To be able to discard any of my life in a whim.

I know I was sad about this. I tried to remember if I had really looked at that page. Sometimes I could look at a page and it was like taking a photograph. I could see the names and numbers. But it was a glance. It wasn't a full stare at it kind of thing. Darn. Darn. Darn.

Those friends and school mates are just a memory of sorts now. I can sometimes remember a name. Hello Patricia. I sometimes wonder how they all did in growing up? I hope they had wonderful childhoods.

Everyone, in my mind's eye, is married with families and doing well in their lives.

I would like to reach across the years and say hello once more to all of them. It is a touch sad that I do not know what happened with any of them.

Like I said, my mind is visiting many places. I'm along for the ride and enjoying the view. So far.