Chapter 1

It was July, a very hot week. I had only been back from University 3 months having just completed my degree. I was feeling lonely having come back home again and nobody to talk to.

I joined a local dating website where I had met him. He responded to my advert having noticed I lived local to him, only to find out he lived in the same estate as my mum. After a week of passing messages, we warmed to each other. He asked me if I would like to come round for a cup of tea and I said yes. I knocked his door anxiously and he opened the door. The first thing I noticed was his broad build, which I found very attractive. He was tall, looked confident and made me feel welcome. I sat down on his soft couch as he went to make me a cup of tea. I noticed how clean and tidy his house was and quite minimalistic. We were both nervous. He went to sit on the opposite couch and began talking to me. I noticed how striking his eyes were, his warm glowing skin and very short hair. I knew he was unique and felt safe in his presence. After a few more meetings, we began to sit next to each other. I was desperate to kiss him and touch him, which I had told him in a text message. He took the first step and started to kiss me. I immediately felt a bond, a connection. He took my hand and guided me upstairs to his bed. We made love and it was very passionate and very comfortable. I was so happy to be with him.

A month later, he introduced me to his daughter. A couple months later, I found myself moving into his house officially. His daughter was from his previous partner and came to visit every other weekend. He was such a great dad, very caring, overprotective, and very attentive towards her which I admired. I was yet to find out about his traumatic past and did see the signs, but thought nothing of it. He suffered severe back pains and shoulder pains and I really felt for him. I began to give him back massages and after encouragement from him, I found myself attempting to slip his discs back into place. This became a habit throughout our relationship. I asked him how he got this bad, and he opened up to me about some of his experiences in the Army which caused his injuries. I began to ask more questions out of curiosity but he wouldn't tell me much more about his experiences as he would find it extremely upsetting. This added to my curiosity. I left it as that. On the odd occasion, we would go out to a Food Store but soon after arriving, he became anxious within the crowd, acting agitated and becoming breathless. I'd ask him if he was okay, and he said he doesn't like being in crowds and needs to go and sit in the car. I just took it as him being a typical guy, who doesn't like shopping, but every time we went out, he'd experience these emotions again. I asked him what was wrong and to talk to me. He said it was because of his time in the Army. I was constantly on edge in not knowing how he was going to react next to anything that was beyond his control, constantly worrying. His symptoms were escalating in a variety of forms.

On 13 Feb 2006, on a hot and sunny afternoon, he proposed to me in Cyprus in the Salamis Ruins. When nobody was around, he quickly got down on his shaking knees, and presented an oak box with a silver ring inside and proposed ever so quickly then quickly stood up again. It was so quick that it didn't feel very romantic but looking where I was and who I was with, I felt happy and happily said yes.

Our engagement was pretty much on hold after that. 2 years later and still we were engaged. He never once talked about marriage, or having children. 'When shall we get married?', I would ask, 'I can't wait', I would say excitedly. The usual answer would be, 'we can't afford to. What if you run off with someone else? You don't want to be with me, look at me, I'm ugly. How will we manage?' This was his answer to all my questions about our future, whether it be about having children, getting married, moving away, getting a house together. He was constantly delaying the date of the wedding. I very much wanted children and he said he did too, but when it came down to it, talking about it, he became defensive and tried to find something bad to say about it, 'we can't afford to, we will have no money, what will you do if I am working and you are not? I knew we would cope. He had a full time job, good wage, and lots of family support. You can't help thinking that he's a self centered nasty person, but then when you think that you start to feel guilty because you know he can't help it.

This finally ate me up to the point where I left him for a week. I thought we were over but was missing him so much. This traumatised him to the extent where he tried to 'top' himself while I was around his house gathering up my belongings downstairs. He tied a bit of cord round his neck and jumped out of the attic, but the thin delicate cord snapped and he ended up with a sore head instead. I didn't know at this point what had happened till we got back together after a week where he later told me about it. This event caused him to get help and seek doctor's advice. The doctor put him in touch with SAFFA who then put him in touch with Combat Stress. Our 3rd get back together would be when he got his appointment with Combat Stress. He was there for 2 weeks. After coming back from Combat Stress, he told me about everything he was taught to ease his stress. He was told to meditate and listen to relaxation music and eat a healthy diet. He also needed regular counseling but its availability leaves a lot to be desired.

I made the effort to read up on his condition in detail and went to a group session at Combat Stress for wives and partners of victims with Post Traumatic Stress. It did help me a lot and listening to people's problems which made me feel like I wasn't alone, the fact that there were people out there feeling the way I do. I of course being the new girl was asked to speak first about my experiences. It was hard and tried hard to hold my tears in. My partner picked me up and while driving home, he asked if I was okay, and I broke down and cried all the way home. I told him everything I said and what everybody else said so that he would understand how I am feeling and that it wasn't all about him.