Chapter 21

Rayna knew where she would find Denae – sitting at a window peering out over the water toward where she knew Jorgarn to be. Wordlessly, Rayna took a seat beside her friend and stared in the same direction. Denae reached out her hand and took Rayna's.

The two friends sat there, holding hands, each lost in her thoughts – Denae pondered the future while Rayna reflected on the past. Both worried about people they loved across the wide expanse of water.

"They are fine."

It was Denae who broke the silence.

"I can't feel Jorgarn but somehow I know he is well," she continued. "I guess I can't allow myself to consider that he might not be. If Jorgarn is well, then Pernice is well. If they are well, everyone is well."

"You have much faith in him, Princess," Rayna said. Her tone indicated she was not at all certain that much faith was a good thing.

"You know I can sense him," Denae replied. "But there is more. Things that you must never speak of. Can you promise me this? Can you give me your vow that no one – not even Pernice – will hear what I would tell you?"

"I agree to that," Rayna said.

Denae considered what she wanted to reveal.

"We share thoughts sometimes," Denae said. "We share emotions always. I always know how Jorgarn is feeling and he knows what I am feeling. He has unwittingly let me into his head on a number of occasions. We generally try to keep our innermost thoughts to ourselves but I am better at it than he is. Perhaps I simply guard my thoughts more closely or maybe I simply have more I wish to conceal. Whatever the reason, there have been numerous times when I was privy to every thought that passed through Jorgarn's head for an extended period of time. That is why I have faith in him, Rayna. It is why I understand him so well. I know him. I know all of him."

Rayna's mouth dropped. She could not count the number of times she had wondered what, exactly, Pernice was thinking.

"That gives you the upper hand, doesn't it?" Rayna asked.

Denae shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm not sure I need to upper hand with him," she said. "A part of me understands that I should be the one with the power. Another part of me wonders if it might not be best to share my life with him in every sense. He is a good person at heart."

"So are you," Rayna insisted. "But they can be only one person at the top. He wishes to pull you down so he may rise. Don't forget that."

"I'm not sure you're right," Denae said softly. "I sometimes believe I would reach even higher plateaus with him as my equal."

Rayna frowned slightly but changed the subject back to where it had been. There would be time for Denae to learn Jorgarn's true nature after his return from Longview.

"What is it like to know his thoughts?" she asked. "I mean, what does it feel like to know exactly what someone else is thinking?"

"Troublesome," Denae said.

It was hardly the answer Rayna expected.

"I don't understand," she replied.

"Consider some of your own thoughts," Denae said with a smile. "Some of the fleeting, meaningless notions that cross your mind. They mean nothing to you. They are just something random that popped into your head. But to someone else, they might have a different meaning."

Rayna considered for a moment but still didn't get the gist of Denae's statement.

"A young man in tight trousers walks past," Denae said when she saw the confusion on her friend's face. "Do you really want Pernice to know what you thought of his bulge? Or that you looked at it? Would you want Pernice to know what you think of his mother at certain times? What you think of him at certain times? Most of Jorgarn's thoughts are similar to mine. We agree on much and we see the world much the same. But it is still troublesome for me when he is flattered by a comment made to him by a woman on the street or when he considers how Lorida would look outside of her gown. Or how nice it would be to have a wife and a life like the one Pernice will have one day. They are just normal thoughts – many of them I have thought myself. But it still makes me wonder sometimes."

"He thinks things like this often?" Rayna said. "About other women, I mean."

Denae laughed.

"As often as every other man under the Creator, Rayna," she said, "as often as Pernice does, as often as Torbert does and as often as my father does. They have no true meaning. It took a long conversation with my stepmother and Eslada before I understood that."

"Pernice does not wonder what other women look like naked," Rayna said firmly.

Again Denae laughed.

"According to my father, all men do," she replied. "I was not content with the answers Lorida and Eslada gave me. So I cornered my father and uncle and asked them the same. They admitted – grudgingly – that they had the same thoughts. Torbert was somewhat crass about it. He told me that every woman who passes a man's view is immediately assessed. She is placed into one of two categories: He would like to see her naked or he is glad she is wearing clothes. He said there are no other categories. Naked or clothed."

"Of course they would say that," Rayna hissed. "They are Jorgarn's accomplices."

"Accomplices?" Denae asked hastily. "You act as though he has committed some atrocity. As a test, I began to watch how the men of the castle – including your Pernice – view women as they pass. I watched Jorgarn as he interacted with women. My father and uncle – Lorida and Eslada – spoke truly. A woman will pass and a man's eyes will dart over her appraisingly. Just for an instant. I can almost see him make his determination: Yes, I would like to see her without that gown; no, I am glad that gown covers as much as it does. With Jorgarn, I can sometimes see it literally, in my head, as he pictures what she would look like without clothing."

Denae's warm smile caught Rayna off guard.

"What makes you so happy about that?" she said in an angry voice. "Do you think it is appropriate for him to do that?"

Denae shrugged one shoulder.

"I don't think he can stop it," she replied. "He's tried. I know that. I have heard him think to himself, 'Why am I looking at that trollop when I know Denae waits for me to come to her?' But he is right back to looking the next minute."

"That is appalling!" Rayna said. "How can you sit here and discuss this as if it's not wrong?"

"Because it is not wrong," Denae said. "I took an hour and really considered my own thoughts. While my thoughts were a little less brazen, they were similar. I assessed every man who walked past. Most usually it was an instant or two before I realized I had done it. But I did. I didn't necessary want to see their poles but I decided if they were handsome or foppish or ugly. It was no different than what men do. So I started to focus on what Jorgarn was feeling when he glanced at other women. Do you know what he felt?"

Rayna was silent.

"He felt nothing," Denae supplied. "There was no longing, no lust, no love. He was simply looking, like we do sometimes at the merchant's shops. We walk past and gaze at things even though we have no intention of buying them. Then I began to consider what Jorgarn feels when he thinks of me. That is not nothing, I can assure you. He feels protective, of course. But he also feels other things, warmer things. If I am with him when I sense a new emotion, I can usually tell what it is. For instance, the other morning, the first morning we shared a bed, I took off my clothes in front of him."

"I know, you told me," Rayna said flatly.

"But what I didn't tell you was the sense of awe that swept over Jorgarn," Denae said. "He found me attractive. He longed to touch to me. He found me beautiful."

"You are beautiful," Rayna pointed out.

"Not to everyone," Denae assured her. "Jorgarn finds some women that I view as beautiful as something less than that. Other women, Lorida for instance, who I find plain he views as a pretty."

"What about Bralan?" Rayna asked with a trace of maliciousness in her voice. "Or Eslada? Those two you will need to watch him with."

Denae patted her friend's hand, which she still held.

"Those two I have no need to watch him around at all," she responded. "He loves Eslada. There is no denying that fact. But he loves her as a brother loves a sister. In all the time I've spent inside his thoughts Jorgarn has never pictured Eslada in any state of undress. I know that he has seen her that way – aboard the ship, for instance, when she was ill. But his feelings about her are in no way romantic. The same is true for Bralan. He is protective of her – because he looks at himself as her older brother. I do pity the first man to cast eyes upon her in a lustful manner. Just as I pity any man who would seek to steal you from Pernice."

"I am certain of Pernice's love for me," Rayna said.

"As I am," Denae said. "But I am also aware of Jorgarn's affection for Pernice."

Rayna made a face. She had heard of such things but never witnessed it.

"Not that way," Denae said with a laugh. "Pernice and Jorgarn are kindred. They are closer than brothers. For that reason, Jorgarn holds great affection for you. Although he does not know you well, he thinks highly of you because Pernice and I think highly of you. The same way he loves Usala and Astid because they are Torbert's daughters. To my knowledge – and I think I would know – Jorgarn has never once had a prolonged conversation with either of them. Yet his thoughts of them are warm because they are Torbert's children."

"Or because he wishes to bed them too," Rayna said, determined to avoid the reverence that had crept into Denae's voice.

"If he wanted to bed any number of girls, they would have been willing enough," Denae pointed out. "Additionally, if he wanted to bed any woman, there are few who could stop him. But that is not how he views woman. You asked me once if I had considered he might harbor the same view as his countrymen about women. At the time, I couldn't answer you. Now I can. He does not. Not in any form or fashion. That is why he pushed so hard for females in the Noble Guard. He does not wish to prove their subservience. He wishes to prove to their equality. I know this for certain, Rayna. Did you notice how the men acted at dinner that last evening?"

Rayna grudgingly said she had.

"When is the last time Pernice held your chair or helped you from your seat before that night?" Denae asked. She knew she was scoring points with this line.

"He never had," Rayna said. "We don't hold those silly customs here."

"Silly?" Denae asked. "I saw your face when he held the back of your chair. You did not find his actions silly. You, like me and the rest of the women at the table, felt appreciated. You felt flattered. You felt loved. I can't read your thoughts, Rayna – thankfully, I think. But I can read your expressions. You looked up at Pernice with a look of such love and devotion it was somewhat sickening, if you must know. The only thing that kept me from leaving my evening meal on the floor is the fact that I saw Pernice looking at you in the same fashion. That, and the fact I knew exactly what you were feeling because I was feeling it myself."

"Fine, I liked it when he did that," Rayna said.

"Why do you think he did that?" Denae prodded.

"Probably because Jorgarn threatened them if they didn't," Rayna replied.

Denae laughed again and shook her head.

"Pernice did that, most likely, because he saw the look it earned Jorgarn when he did it," she said. "And not just from me. The others at the table looked at him the same way, including you if I had to bet – not that you would admit to it. I can tell you what Jorgarn was thinking when the other men emulated his actions. He was surprised. Oh, he was pleased, particularly when he saw the way we women looked at the men, but he was surprised. He did not anticipate anyone else doing it. He did it because he always does. He has done the same for you, Rayna. You might not have even recognized it for what it was. But he has held your chair while you sit or stood."

Rayna's mind raced backward and she realized it was true.

"It means he holds you in high esteem as a person," Denae pointed out. "He was raised to render assistance to any unaccompanied female. It is part of his makeup. It is not because he views us as helpless. It is because he views us with appreciation. He will even assist those he does not like very well. For instance, he helped Riset with her cloak. It was not a task he relished or even enjoyed. But he did it because he thought someone should assist her. I wish there was a way I could let you see him as he views himself. You would not be constantly trying to point out his flaws to me. I know them already – because he knows them."