"Give me the remote!" I held out my hand and Jahn, my best friend scrunched his nose up at me.
"It's my turn," he said in that soft voice of his.
"It's my house!" I said, "Come on."
"So? I let you watch what you want at my house." He hid the remote control behind his back. "I wanna watch the Next Supermodel."
"That's so dumb!" I frowned. "We're missing the wrestling!"
"That's dumb!" He giggled, brushing his long black hair out of his eyes.
"You're dumb!" I decided. "Give it to me!"
"No!" Jahn said almost sweetly, giving me that little smile I always sorta liked.
"You want me to pound you?" I threatened him, the way I had since we were in second grade together.
"I'll tell your mom!" he laughed and he was just fourteen, like me, but a lot smaller. Like my size when I was ten maybe.
"And get us both in trouble? Jahn!" I sighed. "Give it to me!"
"No way! Look it's starting!" He stuck out his little pink tongue and I'd had enough.
"You asked for it!" I said, moving quickly and surprising the other boy as I grabbed his shoulders, pushing Jahn back to the carpeted floor.
"Hey!" He yelped and tried to push me off, but I was bigger and I had him on his back now. I was a good wrestler anyway, the coach said so, and I moved so I was sitting on his stomach, kinda knocking the air out of my friend with a little whoosh.
"Gonna give it to me?" I asked, even though I coulda just grabbed the remote by then, it wasn't very far away. That wasn't the point though.
"No!" he huffed, trying to twist his thin body, kicking those long skinny legs of his. We were both just wearing our underpants anyway cause we were supposed to be sleeping already.
Jahn was tugging with his arms too, since I was holding his wrists above his head. His big blue eyes were shining and he was giggling though, we'd wrestled a lot with each other since we'd been little kids. Sometimes it was kinda serious and we'd be mad for a day or two, but mostly it was like this, just roughhousing and I always won.
"Say you'll give it to me and I'll let you go," I breathed, even though I wasn't really trying my hardest. I just felt out of breath for some reason.
"I ain't gonna give it to you," he said, kinda half-giggled and half-whispered.
Then Jahn really twisted, using all his strength, but I held him tight and slid my body down a little, lowering my face so I was lying on his chest with mine, making him support my weight. He wasn't moving very far then and I was right over him, looking down at his face, kind of oval shaped with a pointy chin, a pert little nose and soft pink lips.
I kissed him.
I don't know why and I blinked as soon as I did it. I blinked a lot and let him go, feeling my face getting red, and I wasn't holding his wrists anymore. I wasn't squeezing Jahn's hips with my knees either, not like I had been to keep him from getting away. I just relaxed and swallowed hard and I didn't know what I was supposed to do or say or anything. I didn't move either and that was confusing too. I shoulda been getting off of him, but I didn't.
"Why did you kiss me?" Jahn asked and he was a little red too, his eyes looking at mine.
Those soft blue eyes and I'd look away for a second and then come back. Look away and come back. I was frightened and I swallowed hard and I started to get up then, because I didn't have an answer, not one that made any sense at all. I was moving slow and Jahn stopped me, his arms suddenly going around my neck. His skinny little arms with hardly no muscles at all, just soft and pale like the rest of him, but he was holding me tight and I coulda got away. If I wanted to.
"Why did you kiss me, Matt?" Jahn whispered and I felt my heart going faster and my stomach was so tight it hurt.
"I don't know," I said and the words wouldn't hardly come out. "Because you're beautiful."
"I am?" he asked me and I don't think Jahn was breathing at all.
"Would you do it again?" he wondered softly and I shook my head.
"You're a boy."
"Please?" Jahn sighed. "I won't tell anybody."
"But ... I can't." I wanted to kiss him again and my dick was hard, like it got sometimes for no reason. I knew the reason now though.
"You're my best friend," Jahn told me and he closed his eyes. "You don't have to."
He let me go too, kinda just letting his arms fall away and I think he wanted to cry, except I didn't know the reason. He just looked that way, with his bottom lip trembling just a little, just enough so I could see it. I had a crush before, on a girl I knew in sixth grade, and I felt like that again, except it was worse. Jahn was right there, but he was a boy.
He was a beautiful boy and I was a boy too.
I got off Jahn slowly, carefully like I might hurt him, and I sat away from him, leaning against my bed. He was almost naked, except for his underwear and I looked at his body while he lay there, soft and white. I could see the little blue veins in some places, like he was see-thru or something. He looked so soft and small and weak. Some of the guys at school pushed Jahn around and I always stood up for him and now I knew why.
I couldn't kiss him again though, but I wanted to. More than anything.
"What are you doing?" I asked him a minute later, because Jahn hadn't moved at all. "Are you crying?"
"No," he said, turning his head and I knew he was.
"Let's just go to sleep," I swallowed hard and I just said that cause I didn't know what else to do.
We slept together in my bed, the way we'd done it a million times. I'd slept in his bed a million times too and sometimes, in the summer, we slept outside in a tent in my backyard. We were always together it seemed like, ever since I could remember almost. Me and Jahn, and mostly I wished he was my brother, but now I didn't. And now there was a lot of room between us in that little bed of mine. He was on one side, close to the edge, and I was on the other facing away from him.
It was dark in my room and we were quiet for a long time. For hours and hours it seemed like and I'd look at the window every now and again, thinking the sun would be coming up soon, but it was always still black outside. I didn't know what I was gonna do when the sun came up. I was afraid of Jahn now. Afraid of what I was supposed to say to him, or how I was supposed to act, and that was the worst part of all.
It was even worse than the kiss, because part of me thought maybe he wasn't my best friend anymore. He wasn't mad, but something had to change, I thought.
"Are you sleeping, Matt?" Jahn asked me softly.
"It's really dark tonight."
"What if I wasn't a boy?" he asked and I frowned a little, looking at all that black, broken by the little crack of light under my bedroom door.
"I don't know," I said finally, after a while of thinking about it.
"What if I'm a girl?"
"You're not a girl."
"How do you know?" Jahn asked me and I felt the bed move as he turned over and I knew he was facing me.
"Cause." I smiled at his silliness, but Jahn was like that sometimes. It was one reason I liked him so much. One reason out of a gazillion.
"Cause why?" he insisted, with a little giggle, a shy one maybe.
"I seen your dick." I laughed then, turning over onto my right side so I was facing him and now there wasn't much room at all between us.
"Maybe I'm just a girl with a dick," Jahn said, like that made any kind of sense.
"You can't be a girl and have a dick," I told him. "You gotta have a pussy."
"Even if I'm beautiful?" he asked softly and I swallowed hard, remembering that I'd told him that and I almost wanted to forget it.