Chapter 6: A Tale of Two Uncles

One beautifully warm spring day in April, my Uncle Seymour called me right after I'd gotten home from school and asked me if I could come over to his house. He lives just a few blocks away and he works with my Dad. They share the same carpool when they go to work and stuff. He isn't really my Uncle, but we both like it when I call him that. He's really nice, about the same age as my Daddy, but he isn't married or anything.

Uncle Seymour is not really what you'd call a handsome man, but he's not ugly either, he just looks pretty ordinary. But he's really smart and a lot of fun to hang around with too. In the summer he comes over to our house for barbeques and stuff and he always brings me presents and tells me funny stories and even let's me drink some of his margarita, when nobody is looking. That always makes me giggle a lot.

Nobody else was home so I wrote a little note saying I'd run to friend's house and I'd be back for dinner. I didn't even bother changing my clothes. I just grabbed my algebra book, so I'd have good alibi when I came back home, if I needed one, and cut through the back yard to Uncle Seymour's house. He's always happy to see me and when I knocked on his kitchen door he was really smiling and offered me a coke.

We went to his den because he wanted to show me 'Amy's First Butt Fuck' which was brand new, since we'd just made it like two weeks before and I hadn't even seen it yet. We sat on the big sofa and I put my feet on the coffee able, even with my shoes still on, because Uncle Seymour said that's what it was there for. I'd never get to do that at my house! He turned on his camera, to playback the movie he'd made of me, and sat down next to me, turning on the big TV with his remote.

Uncle Seymour belongs to club, or something, called the ACLS, which stands for Adult-Child Love Society. He says I'm a member too, because he shares the pictures and movies he makes of me with the other members. They have meetings too sometimes, mostly at people's houses, but sometimes at resorts where the members can rent like five or six cabins for a weekend. Uncle Seymour told me they were even planning a trip to Disney World, about twenty members were going to get rooms all on the same floor of one of the hotels.

He says the adults in the club love the child members more than anything and want to make sure they have a lot of fun. I've been to a couple of the meetings, but just at Uncle Seymour's house, and they seemed more like parties than anything else. Everybody is really nice though and I had lots of fun, even the first time when I lost my virginity, but that's all part of a different story.

Anyway, some of the members like to send emails, mostly saying hi and asking questions and stuff. Lots of times Uncle Seymour prints the really funny ones, and so I read some of those while the movie started. One man wanted me to get pregnant and make a movie when my tummy was really big. Another man wanted me to drink some pee and somebody else wanted me to just do jumping jacks naked for like an hour. I think Uncle Seymour thought that the pee idea was a good one. He asked me what I thought about it and I just made a face and he laughed, but I could tell he was thinking about it.

The first part of the tape was like an interview. I was sitting on the couch and Uncle Seymour asked me questions. Like how old I was, and what my measurements were, and stuff like that. Then he told me to take off my blouse and play with my tits while he asked me more questions, mostly about sex stuff, you know, like what I liked best or whatever. He wanted to know if I liked sucking cock better than fucking, and if I really liked to swallow ball juice or if I was just pretending mostly. I giggled a lot, as you can imagine.

Then I took off my skirt and played with my panties, moving around to show the camera my butt and pulling them real tight between my butt cheeks, or rubbing my pussy so my slit was showing through them a little. Uncle Seymour asked me if I'd ever been fucked in my butt and I heard myself on the TV saying no, and then I took my panties off and showed my butt to the camera again, playing with it a little. Uncle Seymour gave me some oil and I rubbed it all over my ass and got my butthole real slippery and he told me to put a finger in my ass.

While we watched, Uncle Seymour took my hand and put it on the big hard lump in his pants. I knew what he wanted and I squeezed it for him. He likes me to do that when we watch the movies he's made of me. When Uncle Seymour finally started putting his cock in my ass on the TV, I took his cock out and started sucking it for him on the sofa. It was so hard I figured it had to be hurting him. He was playing with my pussy too, since I had my legs spread, lying kind of sideways on the sofa, and he tugged my panty to the side and fingered my little hole until it was making soft squishy noises. It felt so nice that I was starting to squirm a little and Uncle Seymour laughed and picked me up so I could sit on his big dick.

I turned around so we could both watch the movie, just leaning back against his chest and feeling his cock sliding slowly all the way inside me until it was as far as it could go. We didn't even really fuck, it just felt so nice sitting on it, and I kind of squeezed my pussy muscles and moved a little back and forth while he held onto my hips. Uncle Seymour doesn't have a great big cock, but it's nice and it fits me really good. I think that's because it's so thick, like I can't even get my fingers all the way around it. He told me it was seven inches long, but I measured it once and it was just barely six and a half. But that's okay; he knows I love it anyway.

Pretty soon though, it started feeling too good and I couldn't help wanting to bounce on that thick dick of his. I think Uncle Seymour felt it too, because he started lifting me a little and letting me push down so it slid in and out of me. He moved one hand under my skirt so he could rub my clit and feel his cock going inside. He likes that a lot and I don't mind at all because it really makes me cream good.

"Mmmm ... Yeah, Amy ... Ride that cock, baby ... Make it nice, sweet heart..." Uncle Seymour was whispering in my ear and I felt all hot and tingly inside.

I was going to cum right away as I started grinding my little pussy on his dick, rocking my hips and digging my fingernails into the cushions of the sofa.

"Fuck it, Amy ... Fuck my big dick, honey ... Make me cum in that tight little fuckhole of yours..."

He was really lifting me up now and pulling me down hard as he thrust up into me with his hips. I had my eyes closed and all I could see were bright sparklers dancing in the dark.

"Ohhh ... You little slut ... Tell me how much you love that big cock ... Tell me, baby..."

Uncle Seymour likes it when I talk dirty and I was so close to cumming I could barely breathe, but I told him how good it felt.

"I love your big dick ... Ohhh ... Fuck me, Uncle Seymour ... I wanna cum all over your ... Ohhh fuck ... Big cock ... Please..." And then I was cumming all around him, my pussy trying to squeeze his cock and it made me almost scream because it felt so good.

"Oh yeah, baby ... I'm almost ... There ... Oh! Fuck me, Amy ... Yeah..."

And then Uncle Seymour pulled me down hard on his cock, so it stretched my hungry cunt wide, and I could feel it shooting his hot sperm all up inside me and that made me cum again too. I was trying to bounce, shaking and grinding and wanting to move because sitting still was just impossible, but Uncle Seymour held me tight. He had one arm around my waist and the other one around my boobs, hugging me and shushing in my ear.

"Shhh ... That's it baby ... Just relax ... Shhh ... Oh! Amy ... You make me cum so good..."

His voice was soft and my orgasm finally started going away, leaving me shaking a little and wrapping my arms over his while he held me. Uncle Seymour's cock stayed inside me because it felt so good for both of us and even though it started getting a little soft, it stayed hard enough so it didn't come out. But we weren't moving anyway, just sitting still and catching our breath.

The movie was still going and we watched it a little, but mostly we talked.

"What are you doing Saturday?" he asked me.

I thought about it a second. "I'm not doing anything I don't think, except I have to do the laundry, folding mostly."

Doing the laundry was my job at the house, that and keeping my room clean. Usually I did it on Wednesday and Saturday, unless there was a lot of dirty clothes. But there were just three of us, so it was pretty easy.

"Hmmm..." Uncle Seymour rubbed his chin.

"That'll just take me the morning though," I added helpfully.

"How would you like to make a new movie Saturday afternoon?" he asked me and I could feel his cock getting harder again. I figured it was because he was excited about something and I rocked my hips a little.

"What kind of movie?" I asked, wondering if he want to fuck my butt again.

That had felt really good and I could see how nice it was on the TV right in front of us. Uncle Seymour had been holding the camera and he'd zoomed in while I was on my knees with my face and boobs on the floor. We watched me reaching back and spreading my ass cheeks, so you could really see his thick cock going inside me good. I felt my butt muscles get tight for a second as the images on the TV brought back all those fond memories.

"We'd call it 'Amy's First Gang-Bang' and it would be about you and five friends of mine who really want to meet you, Amy." He was moving a little bit now too, but still hugging me nice and tight.

"A gang-bang?" I giggled a little. I'd heard of those before. "That's when a bunch of guys put their dicks inside me, right?"

I had my legs outside of his as I straddled Uncle Seymour's now very hard cock and I pushed against him like I was trying to close my legs, but he wouldn't budge.

"Yeah. They'd all fuck you, Amy. Would you like that?" He started lifting his hips a little, moving his cock back and forth slowly. "Getting five big hard cocks in your pussy, one after another?"

I moaned a little because his cock shaft was rubbing right along my clitty and it felt like it was starting a fire inside me.

"Uhhh ... Yeah!" I pushed down the same time he pushed up and my pussy fluttered a little way down inside. "Are they ... Ummmm ... Nice?"

I was a little out of breath and I started wishing Uncle Seymour would go just a little faster. But he didn't, he just moved slowly, bringing his cock in and out a little at a time.

"Ohhh yeah, Amy ... They're very nice men ... And they love fucking little girls like you more than anything else in the world." He reached down between my legs rubbing my clit lightly the way I like. "They're all in the ACLS, so you don't have to worry about anything."

"Uh-huh ... Okay ... But..." I sighed and felt my pussy squeezing Uncle Seymour's cock.

"But what, Amy?" He kissed my ear.

"But could you fuck me a little harder ... Please?" I shivered and Uncle Seymour laughed and moved us so that I was lying down on the floor, bent in half almost with my legs over his shoulders. He rubbed his hard cock up and down my little hairless slit and worked just the head inside.

"I'm going to fuck you super hard now, Amy!" He kissed my nose and then he did just that.

While I was waiting for Saturday to come around, my Daddy had to go to Houston on a business trip. He was leaving Wednesday morning and wouldn't be back until Sunday night. I always get kind of sad when Daddy leaves, and my mother does too, well ... she used to anyway. When Daddy told us Tuesday night at the dinner table I kind of expected her to complain a little, because it was such short notice, but she just ate her pasta salad and didn't say anything.

The next day at school I was having lunch with Jenny, like I usually did, and she asked me if I minded she was coming to stay for a while. I didn't have any idea what she was talking about and I asked her what she meant.

"Didn't your mom talk to you?" Jenny looked kind of embarrassed. I shook my head and Jenny went on slowly. "She called my mom last night and said you were feeling kind of down because your dad has to go on that trip and she wondered if I could stay at your house for a few days, like a big long sleep-over."

We both knew what the real reason was that my mother asked; she wanted to be with Jenny while Daddy was gone. I felt kind of sick and I couldn't finish my lunch. I wasn't mad at Jenny, even though she thought I was and felt bad about it. I was mad at my mother. She was married and even though Jenny wasn't another man, since she was a fifteen year old girl, it was still like cheating on him. I knew if he found out he'd be really confused and sad, probably mad too and I didn't know what I'd do if Daddy left us.

I went to see Miss Holsum and told her I didn't feel good. I thought about telling her about my mother and Jenny, she already knew they were lovers, but I didn't think even she or Miss Squires knew how serious it was getting. I suppose that's what frightened me the most. When Jenny and my mother were just having fun, it was okay, maybe even fun for me too, but now ... I suppose that made me a hypocrite. I felt guilty about that too.

Miss Holsum called my mother and she came to school to get me. I sat in the front seat, hugging my book bag and looking out the window. Mother tried asking me what was wrong, if I had a headache, or cramps, or something.

I finally just said, "I talked to Jenny."

"Oh." She didn't say anything for a few minutes and I just sat there. "How long have you known?"

I looked at her. "Just since Miss Squires fucked you."

I said it like it was the worst thing in the world and that made me a real hypocrite since Miss Squires had fucked me too. I saw my mother's fingers turning white on the steering wheel, she was pretty angry. It was the first time she'd ever heard me swear.

"Amy ... I..." she was staring straight ahead, " ... I love Jenny."

"You love Daddy too," I said. "Remember him?"

"Your Daddy and I, well ... we're having some ... problems and..."

"Oh yeah, Mother," I rolled my eyes. "And I'm sure having Jenny over to sleep in Daddy's bed while he's gone will fix everything."

"Amy, I do love your Daddy, but..."

"Liar."

"Your Daddy ... He knows, Amy." She finally looked at me. "He knows about me and Jenny."

"Liar."

"I told him Monday night, I ... I told him everything, Amy." Her voice softened a little, "He's not in Houston on a business trip. He's ... Amy, he's at the airport Radisson."

"Wha ... What?" I looked at my mother, finally believing her. Even though I didn't want to. That wasn't the sort of lie a person made up, you know?

"We thought it best if we took some ... time ... and I wanted ... I wanted to talk to you ... but..." she had tears starting, " ... not like this. Not like this!" She hit the dashboard and it made me jump.

We didn't say anything the rest of the way home and as soon as the car stopped, I ran inside the house and grabbed the telephone. I got the phone number for the hotel from information and dialed, asking for Mr. Welch's room. I was hoping they'd say there was no Mr. Welch staying there, that he was in Houston, working hard and blissfully unaware of my mother's lies. But instead there were some clicks and a phone on the other end started ringing.

" ... Mmmm ... hello?" It was a woman's voice and she sounded like she was half-asleep or drunk maybe or something ... she giggled and I could hear her telling someone " ... stop!" Then to me again, "Hello?"

"Uh, hi ... is David Welch there?" I asked and my voice was trembling a little. The voice sounded a little familiar.

"Amy? Is that you?" I heard the woman ask. "Are you okay, sweetie?" She sounded more awake now and her voice was filled with real concern.

"Yeah, uh ... Who's this?"

"It's Eva! Eva von Siemein, remember me?"

"Nurse Siemein?" I closed my eyes.

"Uh-huh. What's the matter Amy? Hold on your Daddy's right here."

"Amy?" my Daddy's soft voice came across the phone and I felt dizzy.

"Yeah, Daddy ... I just ... I was talking to ... Mother and I ... I just wanted to see if you were okay, Daddy. Because I love you and I don't want you to ... to leave me, Daddy. Okay? I love you."

I couldn't talk anymore because it kind of hurt inside and I wanted to fight it and hide it and make it go away, but it wouldn't.

"Amy, darling, I'm not going to leave you! Never, ever in a million years. I love you too, more than anything else in the world. I'll be back Sunday night, your mother and I need to be apart and ... it's complicated, honey. It's hard to explain..."

"But why is she there with you?" I hated the way it sounded like I was whining. I wanted to ask why Eva was there instead of me.

"It's ... It's just hard to explain, Amy ... Look, do you want to ... Do you want to come here and we can talk?" I heard Eva saying something but I didn't know what. "Eva says she'll pick you up ... That she'd like to talk because, um ... you two have a lot in common."

"I don't have a dick, Daddy!" And I regretted it as soon as I said it. "I'm sorry, Daddy." I heard him sighing on the other end. "Okay, Daddy. Sure ... I'll, uh ... I'll go there. I love you."

"I love you too, Amy. Eva's coming to get you right now, okay?"

"Okay." I hung up the phone without saying goodbye and my mother was standing there with her arms crossed. "You were right, Mother. Daddy isn't in Houston."

I started walking past her, but she grabbed my arm, swinging me around. "You don't know anything, Amy. Anything! Your father and I aren't angry at each other. We don't hate each other. We aren't going to get divorced or leave you, or do anything else ... Don't you get it?"

"No, Mother! I don't get it! You're screwing my best friend and Daddy's screwing some ... some ... girl with a dick!" I shouted at her, yanking my arm away, but still standing there, staring at her. "He should marry me. He should divorce you and marry me and I'd never cheat on him. I'd never fuck somebody else. Because I love him!"

Mother slapped me then.

"You little bitch! You don't know the first thing about love!"

I rubbed my stinging cheek, feeling the even deeper sting of tears starting. My mother's eyes softened and she reached for me, hugging me to her, but I stood stiff like a statue.

"Oh, Amy. I'm sorry ... I'm sorry, honey." She pulled me tight to her breasts and stroked my hair, kissing my face where she'd slapped me.

I turned my mouth to hers and kissed her lips, forcing my tongue quickly inside her mouth until she pushed me away in shock.

"Do you want to fuck me now?" I asked her, wiping my face while she stared at me.

We stood a long moment in silence, just looking at each other.

"I hate you, Mother," I told her calmly and I went upstairs to pack.

I needed to go someplace.

Someplace where I could hide and be safe. Far away from my mother, and Jenny, and my Daddy and Eva Siemein. I threw some clothes in my backpack and grabbed some money out of my old purse where I hid it and folded it into my diary and put that in my backpack too. Then I left. I didn't see Mother on the way out. I didn't know what she'd tell Eva when she arrived to pick me up, expecting me to be there waiting. I didn't care.

What I needed was a big warm hug. Someone who would just love me without asking for anything in return. I felt worn out and tired and abused. There was nobody I could talk with about this. I didn't know how my mother could say everything was just fine between her and Daddy. I didn't know why he wasn't upset. Was I the only one who thought something was wrong here? I tried to think of who would really make me feel good. Who could I trust when I needed to a shoulder to cry on?

Hmmm...

I knocked on the door a little nervously, even though I knew Uncle Max lived alone. He had a son away at college, and his ex-wife lived in Romania, or Pittsburgh, someplace foreign like that. He was my friend, but I wasn't sure what he'd think of me moving in. Nobody was answering and I could hear Spunky barking when I rang the doorbell this time. It was only about two in the afternoon and I realized Uncle Max was probably at work. I figured I'd sit down and wait, since I had no place better to go.

But a couple minutes later the door did open, just a little.

"Amy?" Uncle Max was peering out, rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing here?" I didn't know where to start, but Uncle Max didn't wait anyway. "Come in. I was just waking up ... kind of."

He opened the door wider and I grabbed my backpack and went into what I hoped would be my sanctuary.

Uncle Max is older, like my Daddy, with blonde hair that's turning a little gray on the sides. He has a nice face and a swimmer's body; he really takes good care of himself. A lot of people think he's gay, because he sort of looks like he might be and he crosses his legs kinda like a girl, but he's not. He just likes animals more than he likes people.

I think that's mostly his ex-wife's fault.

He also likes little girls who like animals, which sounds pretty weird, and maybe it is, but I can almost understand it in a way. Little girls and animals have a lot in common. But I also think that has to do with why his wife moved so far away. She doesn't particular like animals from what I understand.

Anyway, he was standing there in his bathrobe and boxers, looking at me and smiling, which I thought was a good sign.

"I got moved to the graveyard, so I sleep most of the day now, but I was going to get up soon anyway ... Hey!" Uncle Seymour was still closing the door when Spunky came racing around the corner, barking excitedly when he saw me and jumping up to put his front paws on my shoulders. He was licking my face ecstatically, his tail going a mile a minute, and it made me smile for the first time since that morning.

Uncle Max just watched while I hugged Spunky and giggled, turning my face this way and that, but unable to avoid getting thoroughly wet all over.

"Give him a kiss, Amy, or he'll never stop!" Uncle Max chuckled.

I believed him too, so I opened my mouth and Spunky's long red wet tongue dove right inside, tickling all around my teeth and gums and cheeks and the roof of my mouth. Even when I closed my lips and sucked at it, he kept playing in there until Uncle Max finally dragged him down so he sat on the floor licking his lips and wagging his tail. I licked my own lips, still smiling and feeling good all over.

"So..." Uncle Max looked at me. "Just stop by for a quick kiss then?"

I shook my head, "I'm running away."

"Really?" Uncle Max cocked an eyebrow and started walking into the kitchen while Spunky and me followed him. "Want an omelet? It's breakfast time around here." He started getting some eggs and cheese and stuff out of his refrigerator.

"No, that's okay."

"Can't run away on an empty stomach. I'll make you a small one. You make the toast. And turn on that coffee maker there next to you. I think it's loaded." He dug around in the cupboard for a skillet. "So, where are you running away to?"

I checked the coffee maker and turned it on, then started digging around for his bread. "Bread or muffins?" I asked, finding both in his little breadbasket. "Actually, I was running away to here."

"We still got English muffins? Pop 'em in!" He was whipping up the eggs. "Running away here? You mean ... here, here?" He looked around theatrically and his voice made it sound like this would be the last place anyone would run away to. "People run away from here, last I heard," he chuckled a little. "Not that I mind, but ... don't you think your folks will miss you?"

I told Uncle Max everything and I was still telling him while we ate. He makes pizza omelet, which is like pizza stuff in an omelet and it's pretty good. I didn't know I was so hungry, but I guess I was. And I was feeling better too.

" ... and so, here I am!" I smiled as I finished my sad tale.

"I see. So this is just a temporary thing then. I mean, your Dad will be home Sunday, so then you can go home and have a little family sit down and figure out why you're all so..."

" ... Fucked up," I said, before I thought about it. I giggled. "Yeah. But really, I just need a place to crash until Saturday, because I'm going to another friend's house Saturday afternoon and I'm sure I can stay overnight there."

"Well, sure you can stay here, there's no problem. I got the extra room and I know Spunky won't mind." Uncle Max grinned at the big dog. "Do you think your parents will call the cops or something? I mean, they'll be worried. Maybe you should call them, you know, just to say you're okay and you'll be home Sunday. I just repainted my door and having it kicked in by a SWAT team would be a lot of insurance paperwork. You know how it is..."

"I'll call later; my mother deserves to be a little worried," I said. "Besides, I haven't seen Spunky in so long!" I put my hand out and he ambled over to lick it happily. "So you work in a graveyard now?"

"You don't dye your hair do you?" Uncle Seymour laughed.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Just teasin' ... No, I work at the same old mill, but we're running behind so we went to three shifts. I work from midnight to eight in the morning. But I got some sick days coming, maybe I just might come down with something ... in fact..." Uncle Max pressed his hand to his forehead a moment and then leaned close to me. "Do I feel warm to you?" I touched his head too and nodded. "I thought so, I better stay home tonight."

I giggled and nodded again. "Yeah, I think so too."

"Are you still going to school?" He looked at the school uniform I was wearing. "Or are you running away from there too?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I have to go to school. Well, maybe I'll skip tomorrow, I don't know."

Uncle Max nodded. "Yeah, skipping once in awhile is okay, but don't be dropping out, right?" I nodded and he smiled. "You bring a change of clothes?"

"Um ... I think so," I giggled and made a face like 'eek!' and opened my backpack. I wasn't really sure what I threw in there. "I got some panties..." I pulled out a couple pairs. "And some panties," I pulled out some more. "Ah, stockings," I pulled out the only pair of nylons I owned. "My tights ... and more panties and some socks," I frowned.

I guess in my rush to pack, I'd just emptied my underwear drawer. I looked at the pile of panties on the table and Uncle Max grinned.

"Wellll ... panties are important when you're running away," he said seriously. Sorta. That made me laugh and he laughed with me. "I was gonna say you could change your clothes and go outside and play with Spunky, but ... I don't think my clothes are going to fit you."

Uncle Max has a big backyard with a big high privacy fence, so I just started taking off my blouse and skirt and socks until I was just standing in his kitchen in the underwear I'd gone to school in. Uncle Max just watched me and I decided to take off my bra too. I freed my small boobs and looked at him, sorta posing just a little.

"It's nice outside. Maybe I can get a tan!" I giggled and saw Uncle Max had a boner making a big tent in his boxers.

"Uh-huh, yeah ... Well, why don't you go play, uh ... Frisbee with Spunky and I'll clean up in here and..." Uncle Max looked down at himself, " ... clean myself up too, I reckon. Since I have a roommate now."

He got up and rubbed my head like I was a dog.

"Don't clean up too much, Uncle Max," I told him. "Save some for later! Come on Spunky!"

I opened the sliding glass door to the patio and followed the joyous dog outside into the warm spring sunshine, giggling happily in my little pink panties as Spunky bounced all around and finally ran out to find his Frisbee laying on the cool grass.

Spunky is a big dog. He's a three and a half year old part Great Dane and part something else, horse maybe, and I think that's the perfect age because he still thinks he's a puppy, but he's as close to full-grown as he'll ever be. His head is up to my neck when he stands on all fours, and when he gets just on his back legs, like when he puts his paws on my shoulders, he's a lot taller, so he has to look down to lick my face. He weighs a lot more than me too. I'm just like a hundred pounds, but Spunky is like a hundred and sixty, Uncle Max says, and he's not fat at all. He's very light colored gray, kind of silvery even, but the dull kind of silver. And his eyes are brown and lively.

He looks like a boy, the way you might imagine a carefree, I-wanna-party, healthy college guy looks, just in his eyes and facial expressions, I mean. I really like Spunky a lot. He's also got a humongous dog cock. Really big, like ten inches long easy, and pretty thick all over, but tapering just a little maybe at the tip, which is real blunt, almost flat with a funny lip-like flange around it. It looks kind of weird when you first see it, but I think it's beautiful. He has monster balls too; they hang way down and swing and bounce when he runs. He even lets me play with them, if I'm careful, and Uncle Max said that was because Spunky really loves and trusts me, he'd never let anyone else ever get near his balls.