I'll begin my story by stipulating that I'm the biggest whiner of all time. You'll figure that out quickly as I go along but the reason I'm writing this all down is because there isn't anyone else I can tell and I'm hoping that it will somehow make me feel better by putting it down on paper.
I just turned 43 the other day but somehow I feel much older than that. It's not that I've had more life experiences than others my age. Hell, I'd guess I've had fewer than most. It's that I could see what appeared to be a tunnel behind and ahead of me with no noticeable changes along the way. Don't get me wrong, I have many wonderful things like a wife, kids, a beautiful home and a good job. The problem is that I feel like I'm somehow all alone even if that's only in my head. I thought that having all of those things would make me happy but the reality is that if you aren't really connecting with your spouse or partner, it all feels pointless.
My wife and I originally met while signing up for classes during college freshman orientation and it's really odd, but I went from thinking that redheads didn't do much for me to being completely captivated. [I still feel that way about redheads for everyone else but my wife.] Sadly, I didn't think that I'd ever meet her again on campus given the number of students. When school started a few weeks later, I was amazed not just that we ran into each other after class, but that she apparently remembered me and acted interested in spending more time with me. We went into the student lounge of the University Center and proceeded to spend a couple of hours getting to know each other better. Before parting, she gave me her home number (she still lived at home with her parents and commuted 20 miles to school every day). I had such a strong feeling for her that I decided to call her later that evening and we ended up talking for another couple of hours. She agreed to a date that weekend and we ended up seeing a bad movie and eating pizza afterwards. Over the course of the next few weeks, we spent every available minute together and things seemed to be going great. The one issue that caused any problems was her reluctance to go beyond "second base". She told me that she had some bad experiences while growing up that caused some trust issues. Things came to a head a couple of weeks before the winter break when I told her that I loved her but that I understood that she didn't feel the same way. She responded that she did love me, but she just needed more time to feel comfortable enough to be with me that way. In retrospect, I feel guilty for pulling the same crap that boys always use to pressure girls into a physical relationship. Neither of us was a virgin, so I guess I just assumed that she didn't trust me enough to share with me what had been shared with others. We kept on dating and a week before I went back home for the break, we did make love and I felt that become closer than I'd ever been with anyone in my life. I knew then that I had found the woman with which I wanted to spend the rest of my life.
During the next year or so, we had sex whenever and wherever we could. At first, it was tough trying to get together at her house or in the car. During my sophomore year, I moved out of the dorm and got an apartment and that allowed us to become even more comfortable being intimate. Or at least we did until her mother made a negative comment to her about premarital sex. Now, I will say that I loved her mom; she really treated me like a son and probably kept me from starving a few times when I had overspent my budget. However, I've also felt resentment towards her mom because the comment had some lasting repercussions. From that point on, I've felt at various times that she felt guilty about having sex. In any event, we did eventually get married at 21 with the shared thought that her guilty feelings would pass. Although the overt feelings of guilt appeared to go away, I still believe that there is some that still resides. One way that manifests itself is her discomfort with nudity, even when alone with me behind closed doors. She is definitely one to want little to no light on when making love. There are other aspects of her behavior that I would ascribe to this as well. On occasion, I will lightly press on her anus with my fingers during oral sex or straight intercourse and if she is 'in the moment', she really starts to grind her hips into me. You can almost tell at other times though, that she thinks about what I'm doing and starts to feel uncomfortable with it. She acts about oral sex in general is another illustration of her inhibitions. Typically, she must bathe immediately before I perform oral sex on her. I don't think that there is much that I can do to be clean enough for her to perform it on me, especially after I inadvertently came in her mouth about 15 years ago. I've gotten all of about 2 minutes of oral sex from her since then. In general, when I can get her to just relax and let go, she is fine. Otherwise, it's like a switch goes on in her head telling her that it's dirty.