Chapter 11: Joan

On the Monday two weeks after she had entered the hospital, Cassie woke up in the hosts' room to a feeling of sadness.

She knew her mistress would leave her soon.

Goodbye, Cassie. Your tasks here are complete. It is my time to leave you.

Go to visit Lucille. She will set you aright. You will be fine without me.

The worm slid around her neck, like a warm, moist, stole, and held Cassie close, as if in a comforting embrace.

Then it stiffened, and Cassie felt its flesh ripple, and a rushing sensation in her neck.

There was a sticky sensation of detachment, and the worm was no longer part of her.

Maryanne lifted the worm away from Cassie, and it squirmed. She placed it on her shoulder, and it began to move down her back to rejoin its companions.

Cassie was no longer infected.

She rubbed her neck. Her skin felt quite numb.

"Cassie, I am sorry that you will have to leave us." Maryanne said. "Your mistress has returned to me. You cannot remain here. Farewell, Cassie."

The constant feeling of euphoria supplied by her worm still remained, at least for now, but Cassie could feel the edges of her old emotions begin to return.

Cassie hadn't spoken to Julie in two weeks, and began to feel the sense of loss that had long been denied her.

She really didn't want to rejoin the real world.

The last two weeks had been an adventure, and she must have worked hundreds of hours with the worms. She held a mirror up to their hosts, helping the worms understand the essential discomfort of an existence in which every member of society is isolated by barriers of miscommunication and prejudice, helping the women understand how to rejoin such a society, of returning to petty concerns, and the necessity of giving the appearance of quiet desperation so common in this modern world.

It was nothing like the society of worms.

Cassie had slept better here than she had in her life ever before, and did not feel tired.

She had a shower, and feeling was returning to the skin on her neck. It took several soapings to remove all trace of her beloved mistress from her skin, and made Cassie felt quite traitorous.

She dried herself, and dressed, and suppressed the urge to weep. She was not feeling sad, not really, but the return of all of her old, mundane, emotions was a shock to her.

She still had her pass-card. She kissed the women goodbye, and left the secure area with regret.

It was only a short walk to Doctor Kelly's office on the same floor, where she was greeted with kindness.

"Cassie, you've been working very hard recently. I know that Eve doesn't want you to talk about your work with anyone, but have you been making progress?"

Cassie nodded her head.

"Yes, Doctor, I've been getting some wonderful results. I really do think I've been able to help your patients, and helped the worms understand their situation better.

"I hope I haven't been any trouble to you, being here all the time, but the clinic is a good working environment for me right now."

Doctor Kelly patted Cassie's hand.

"Oh, no, dear." Doctor Kelly said. "You're no trouble. I'm so glad that you've made yourself at home here. It's nice that we can help out Eve with her work, and you've been very helpful in keeping the hosts happy. I hope you realise how much they like you.

"Cassie, I know that you have a very special friend, Julie Smith. I know that she is working with Eve as well, but I've never met her. Do you have a picture of her with you?"

Cassie pulled a passport-sized photo of Julie from her purse. It was a few years old now, and it showed her with her brand new Nana-Mouskouri-esque glasses. It was the Julie that she'd come to love, in a previous life.

"Thanks, Cassie. She looks like a card. I hope to meet her soon.

"I don't want to pry too much into your private life, but you and Julie seem to have had some kind of falling out. You haven't contacted each other since you came here, have you?"

Cassie shook her head.

"Please," Doctor Kelly continued, "Please tell me what is going on between you. I don't want you to see this intrusion as anything else but a friendly enquiry. I know that you're both professional enough that this won't impact on your work, but you both seemed so happy together."

Doctor Kelly said this with such kindness that Cassie didn't quite interpret it as a veiled warning.

Cassie felt that she could open herself up to Doctor Kelly, that the Doctor really did want to help her, and started talking.

"Doctor Kelly, this is difficult for me to say.

"You must know that I am a Lesbian, and that I like Julie, very much. The whole uni must know how I feel about her, we've been together for such a long time.

"But I don't think I'm the right person for Julie, not long-term, anyway. I think that right now she needs some time alone, to find out what she really wants, and I fear that what she wants is not me.

"Maybe I've been a bit too clingy. Maybe Julie's not comfortable with her sexuality. Anyway, I think it's over now. I don't think I should keep living with her, but I think we'll be okay as colleagues.

"Eve's been weird. She's been really mean to us both, I know that, but I think she likes to see us as a couple. She's always playing favourites, and I don't think that's healthy."

Doctor Kelly frowned in thought.

"Cassie, I don't think that Eve and I are so very different. She knows what she is doing, and I think I know what she is doing, too. She has been trying to make your relationship with Julie stronger, to make the two of you unite in a bloc against her, to want to fight her, not just to please her.

"From what I understand, your work with Eve is by its very nature quite confrontational. Eve wants to set you to apart, she wants you to defy her. She wants you to unite against her.

"Your relationship with Julie has been very difficult, and, up until now, I think very unfair. But I am absolutely sure when I tell you that you must not let Julie get away. She's a great catch, and she'll come around, I know she will."

Cassie disagreed.

"You're very kind," she said, "but I don't think so. I really don't."

Doctor Kelly stood up, and walked around her desk.

She stood next to Cassie, and put Julie's photograph right in front of her.

"I'm not just mouthing platitudes. Please, Cassie, stand up, you need to be held."

Cassie stood, and let Doctor Kelly wrap Cassie up in her arms from behind to hold her.

The doctor began to talk soft, and close, and quiet, into Cassie's ear.

"Julie is at a difficult point in her life, but she will come around. I can state that as a fact. She will come around, Cassie, and you will be together.

"Look at her, Cassie, look at her."

Cassie gazed at the photograph of the woman she had known for years, still the object of her affection.

"If you can be strong, and do everything that your heart will tell you to do, then Julie will be yours.

"I don't know how to state it any more plainly than that, Cassie.

"You go home now, and do your best to get your life back together again. Both of your lives."

Doctor Kelly was an imposing woman, but Cassie didn't understand how she could be so certain about Cassie's personal life.

But the way the Doctor stroked her face did feel nice, and she began to feel a little sleepy.

"Be kind, Cassie. I know that of the two of you, it will be hardest for you, but Julie needs a friend, and she needs to be shown what is important. You are the only one that can do that for her. Please, Cassie, go home now, and repair your relationship with Julie.

"She knows that you've been working hard at the hospital. I'll ring Julie now, and tell her that you'll be coming home today. I'll tell her to look after you, as I know you still feel a little emotionally delicate, and I won't mention our little conversation."

Still looking at the photograph of Julie, Cassie felt a new wave of love and affection flow over her.

Cassie felt like she was a little girl, having all her problems swept away for her by her mum.

Doctor Kelly's arms held her tighter, and she held her body close, and pressed her cheek against Cassie's.

They both stayed like that for some time, and Cassie's mood began to lift.

Cassie thought that she should be feeling irritation about her instincts being over-ridden so comprehensively, but could only feel grateful, and the beginnings of a new hope.

The doctor released her, and held Cassie's arm.

"Have an early-mark, Cassie. Take a few days off. Eve won't mind."

After Doctor Kelly's phone call, Julie made an special effort to make dinner. Two weeks apart had reduced the hurt, and she was actually looking forward to seeing Cassie.

Cassie arrived home early in the afternoon, and Julie kissed her on the cheek. It was a bit awkward, but they were both pleased to see each other again.

After a few glasses of wine, a good meal, and giving the neglected kitchen a proper tidy, they decided to go out to the new Uni bar, to have the outing that they had planned for themselves two weeks ago.

The new bar was on the fifth floor, above the student apartments. It was busy, and full of undergraduates, but there was a lot of energy, and it was fun.

They hadn't seen a band together for such a long time.

It didn't take long for them to get quite drunk, and silly, and they were soon making fools of themselves.

They jumped up and down, and shouted into the loudness without being heard, and swung each other around, and hugged. The apple cider was beginning to get to Julie, and she held on to Cassie for dear life, holding her close, knowing that she had stopped drinking not a moment too soon.

It felt nice.

Cassie thought that if she could just stay this close to Julie, that would be close enough.

Cassie was in the ladies' when she was accosted by Joan, one of her old friends from the Food Co-op days, and she looked as bleary-eyed as Cassie.

"Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. How are you? Long time no see."

"Brilliant, Joan, never been better," Cassie slurred.

"I've got a little something for you, girl," Joan said, "something good. Come with me."

Joan took Cassie by the hand, and they both staggered out of the bathroom and headed up the stairs behind the stage.

There was a small landing at the top, and the Landers twins were minding the door. They seemed to know Joan well, and waved them both through as they opened the door. One of them goosed Cassie good-naturedly as she walked past, and Cassie swatted at her hand, laughing at her.

They entered the room from the rear.

The door was closed behind them.

The room was long, and narrow, and dark.

It seemed like like some kind of chill-out room.

There was a row of armchairs in front of them, all set up to look through the polymer glass window that ran the length of the room. They were on the sixth floor here, with a view out at the campus and Sullivan's creek, and towards Cassie's apartment building, and, further out, Lennox Hospital.

The lights above the polymer glass had been set to enhance the view of the night.

Joan stared out the window, and appeared to zone out.

Cassie could see why. The view was strange, and beautiful.

The bushland and creek between the bar and the apartment building looked as if it were lit up by a floodlight, full of colour, yet there were no obvious shadows. It was strange to see it so bright, but also so quiet, with nobody around.

Cassie's apartment building stood like a black monolith, the reflection of the Uni bar visible on the optically smooth surface of the glass, but no light emanated from within.

Cassie imagined Eve on the top floor, walking around in her penthouse, admiring the empire she had created inside the university, mistress of all she surveyed.

The moon was very bright, and what little light there was in that dark room came from its ethereal blueness.

The rest of the sky was beautiful.

Parts were as black as pitch, and the many stars shone like bright pinpricks. A swathe of the Milky Way cut across the sky, and there was a hint of colour, and Cassie thought she might be able to see the colourful cloud of some nebulae.

Joan took Cassie's arm, and walked her towards the front of the room.

Some of the armchairs were occupied.

There were people in the room, staring out of the window at the beauty of the campus, slumped down, legs akimbo, with contented, dumb smiles on their faces.

At the end of the room, in the last chair, in the shadowy darkness, Cassie realised was a couple.

One member was sitting upright in the armchair, and the other was beside them, hugging them.

The upright one was looking out at the view of the campus, and had the same expression as all of the others, of slack-jawed, dumb, contentment.

Her companion held her, her head on her shoulder, eyes closed, and they looked like they had been there for some time, and they were both quite still, although they were obviously breathing.

Joan pulled herself away from the view, and took something out of her pocket.

It was a tiny little jar.

Cassie recognised the inky black contents immediately.

Joan began her sales pitch, quietly, so as not to disturb the occupants.

"Hey, Cassie, here's something for Julie. I know that you've always wanted her, and I know that she's not putting out. This will make her feel good, Cassie, this will give her a bit of a push. She needs a relationship, that girl, and you need to help her out.

"It's worked for me, I can tell you, I've made some real good friends with this."

Cassie suddenly felt very sober, and made Joan look at her.

"Where'd you get that, Joan? I've tried it, it's good, but I don't know how to get more."

"I'll sell it to you, Cassie," Joan said. "Ten bucks a pop, and it's worth every cent. I can get more, a lot more. Forget ecstasy and dope, Cassie, if you want a night in with your girlfriend, this is so much better.

"All the people here are on it, Cassie, and one of them is sharing their night with someone special, as you can see.

"It gets better, every time you use it, I can promise you that."

Joan enfolded Cassie in her arms, and held her close.

Joan whispered in her ear, drunk, but warm, and soft, and tempting.