Chapter 78

I had a cappucino and a piece of pastry at the Hyatt while waiting for Rachel. I needed to calm down. I was acting more like a predator, lashing out a stimulus, than a conciliator. In my first class in law it had been pointed out that lawyers were middlemen. Though they served as prosecutors and defenders, they were agents for others. An agent can be passionate, but enthusiasm can never be the ruling force. I was letting my passion rule my reason.

Rachel would help. She had always ... even 20 years ago ... been a calming influence.

I went to our room and read a bit.

When Rachel arrived, I told her about my day and about my anger.

"You're like Thor," she said. "Your first impulse is always to strike, rarely physically, but frequently verbally. You were already like that in school."

"Like Thor?"

"Remember the Old Norse stories? The one about the builder – like in Wagner's Rheingold?"

In the beginning, after the gods had established Midgard and built Valhalla, there came a smith and offered to make them a fortress, in three seasons, so excellent that it would be proof against the mountain-giants and frost-giants, even though they should get to Midgard. But his price was the goddess Freyja, and he wanted the sun and moon besides. Then the gods met in counsel, and the bargain was made with the builder that he should get what he demanded if he could get the fortress built in one winter; but if on the first day of summer any part of it was unfinished, then the contract would be void. And it was also agreed that no man would help him in his work. When he was told these terms, he said that they should allow him to have the help of his horse, called Svadilfari, and on the advice of Loki this was agreed.

On the first day of winter he began to build, and by night he hauled stone for it with his horse. It astounded the gods what great rocks that horse drew, and it executed half again of the task than the builder. The bargain was firmly established with witnesses and oaths, for the giant did not deem it safe to be among the asas without truce if Thor should come home, who was on a journey to the east fighting trolls just then. Toward the end of winter thefortress has progressed, and it was so high and strong that it could in nowise be overcome. When there were three days left before summer, the work was all completed excepting the gate. The gods to their judgment-seats and held counsel, asking each other who could have advised to give Freyja in marriage, or to plunge the worldinto darkness by taking away the sun and the moon; and all agreed that this must have been advised by him who gives the most bad counsels, namely, Loki, and they threatened him if he could not work out some way of preventing the builder from fulfilling his part of the bargain, and they laid hands on Loki. Frightened, he promised that he would manage that the builder would fail, no matter what it cost.

And that very evening, as the builder drove out for stone with his horse Svadilfari, a mare suddenly ran out of the woods to the horse and began to neigh at him. The stallion, knowing what gender horse this was, grew excited, burst his reins and ran after the mare, as she ran from him into the woods. The builder hurried after them wanting to catch the stallion, but the horses kept running all night, and so at dawn the work had not made the usual progress. When the builder saw that his work was not going to be completed, he assumed his giant form. When the gods realized that it was really a mountain-giant that had come among them, they called upon Thor. He came straightway, swung his hammer, Mjolnir, and paid the workman his wages, —not with the sun and moon, but rather by shattering his skull into small pieces. But Loki had such dealings with Svadilfari that he later bore a foal, which was gray, and had eight feet, and was the best horse among gods and men.

"That's you, shattering the giant's head. You have to relax more. Learn placidity from me. You rarely see me in a fury."

"No. You're my calming influence. I will need to do something."

"Perhaps. I'm not sure just what. Have you ever read anything about satori?"

"What?"

"Satori is a concept in Zen. It's the experience of kenshō, 'seeing into one's true nature.' My grandfather took time every day to look within. According to some authors, kenshō is a brief glimpse, while satori is considered to be a deeper spiritual experience. For others, as I understand it, one employs kenshō to achieve satori. Satori is the first step on the path to Nirvana."

"I'm not certain that I want to become a Zen Buddhist."

"Nor I, Patrick. But all the versions of Buddhism I've heard of emphasize introspection and contemplation as disciplines. I'm sure you can acquire greater placidity by that route."

"I'm not really a religious type, you know."

"Yes. But, recall that because Buddhism does not include the idea of worshipping a creator god, some people do not see it as a religion in the normal, Western sense. The basic tenets of Buddhist teachings are straightforward and practical: nothing is fixed or permanent; actions have consequences; change is possible. My grandfather took further steps – especially where animals and ancestors were concerned. But I don't think that was necessary. What I'm thinking is that learning something about meditation and the nature of experience is all."

"All?"

"All you need." She laughed. "I've got to take care: 'all' isn't 'the All'."