Chapter 47: Departure

I didn’t say anything for several moments. What could I say? I was already in an enviable financial position for someone my age, and now, thanks to the death of the one person I loved above all, it was even more enviable. But was it worth it? Was five million pounds really worth losing Clarissa for?

My initial reaction was to reject it, to tell Will to add it to the money going to the charities—they, at least, would be glad of it—but Will was right. Clarissa had wanted me to have it. To reject it would be to reject her and her memory. And I couldn’t do that. She had loved me so much. She had considered me to be one of the two most important people in her life. How could I reject her?

At the same time that these thoughts were going through my head, I couldn’t help feel that I’d betrayed her. She had loved me so much that she’d thought of me in her Will, but had I done the same? Okay, so my estate wasn’t even close to the size of hers, but that wasn’t the point. She’d thought enough of me to leave me a massive chunk of her estate, what had I left her? A small cash gift, that’s what. Yes, slightly bigger than gifts to some of my other friends, but not a share of the residue. Not like she had. Did that mean I loved her less than she loved me?

“Stop it,” Will said.

I snapped my head up to look at him. “Sorry? What?”

“Stop asking yourself if she loved you more than you loved her.”

“How did you—”

“Been there. Done that. Not on this scale, of course, but ... Truth is, Paul, she wrote this Will months after you wrote yours. And at the time you two were certainly a couple unlike when you wrote yours.”

Still looking at him, I said, “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“And why would you? Now, as I said, it may be some time, several months or more, before I can make any payments to you, but I assume I can simply transfer any funds into the same bank account as I did last year for your parent’s estate.”

I nodded.

“Good. That’s that over with then. I’ll keep you informed as to when I can make payments.” He put the papers away then said, “One last thing. I know you couldn’t stop your Gap Year so I have a proposition for you.”

I looked at him but didn’t answer.

“Come and work for me for the next year. It’ll be a good experience for you, and I’ll be sure to keep you busy enough to keep you from getting too depressed. I don’t need an answer now, take your time and let me know when you’ve made up your mind. Just remember that it’ll be better than sitting around here for a year.”

I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good. Well, I need to be off. I’ll call you during the week. See how you’re bearing up.”

I wasn’t completely on my own for the next couple of weeks. Emily made a point of visiting once or twice a week and at the weekend too. Again I felt guilty. She ought to have been making the most of her new life as a student, not spending her time babysitting me.

I had a physiotherapy rehabilitation programme for my leg, which gradually got stronger and as I felt fitter, I considered Will’s offer. It made sense. It would keep me occupied until I could start my course, and it would be good experience to put my CV in the future. But it was when I was clearing out my room one afternoon after moving back upstairs, that I decided what to do.

I asked Vicky, Emily and Will to come and see me on the Saturday afternoon before my birthday so I could tell them my plans.

“I found this.” I held up the plane tickets that Clarissa and I had booked for the flight to New York in January.

“And?” said Vicky.

“And ... Seems a shame to waste it.”

“So...” said Emily, “You’re... going?”

I nodded. “Next week. I called the airline and they were happy to let me change the date. They wouldn’t give me a refund on the other ticket though. Not that I expected them to.”

“But...” said Emily. “But...”

“Good for you,” said Will. I knew he understood.

“But... Why?” said Emily. Clearly, she didn’t.

“Because it’s what I think Clarissa would have expected. Not just wanted, but expected.”

“I ... I guess.”

“Plus, I need to do this.”

“Why?”

I knelt in front of her as she sat on the sofa and held her hands. “Because staying around here is driving me nuts. I need to get away from... this.” I waved my arms around to take in the whole room. “From everything here. From Micester.”

“From me?”

“No. Not at all. But you need to get away from me. I’m holding you back right now. You need to make new friends in Westmouth.”

Shyly, she said, “I am.”

“But I mean real friends. And you can’t do that when you’re worried about me stuck here.” I turned to Will. “Thanks for the offer, Will, and if it’s still open when I get back, I’d like to take you up on it, but for now...”

“I understand. And I think it’s a good idea.”