Chapter 26: Shoulders to Cry on

Clarissa was right.

By the time I got to school when it re-opened in the New Year, word of our break-up had spread and I could feel all eyes on me. Clarissa and I had been the school’s golden couple and the younger kids in the school had held up our seemingly perfect relationship as something to aspire to.

Not anymore.

The first person to actually speak to me rather than just look on with sympathy was Lily. “I was sorry to hear about you and Clarissa. I thought you made a good couple.”

“Thanks. But I guess that’s just how things work out sometimes.”

“Guess so.”

She walked with me through the school, heading for the sixth form common room and our lockers.

“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” She must have seen on my face that I wasn’t inclined to talk about it. I know I don’t hide my feelings very well. I never have. “It’s just that there are so many rumours flying around and if I knew the truth, I might be able to defuse some of them. Some people are saying you got into a really big argument, which doesn’t sound like the two of you. There’s one rumour that you hit her, which I don’t believe for a second, and one rumour that she hit you, which seems ridiculous.”

I gave her a small smile and said, “I didn’t hit her, and she didn’t hit me. And there was no argument.”

“So, what did happen?”

I shrugged, then stared ahead as we walked. Now was the time to serve up the story that Clarissa and I had worked out between us. Some of it was even true.

“You were at The Ball. You saw what it was like. All those older guys dancing with her. I couldn’t get a look in. I insisted we leave early so I could actually spend some time with her. I wanted to give her the present I’d bought her.”

“What did you get her?” She said, excitedly, before looking at the floor. “Sorry. That’s none of my business.”

I smiled. “A little heart pendant on a chain. Both gold and the heart had a small diamond in the top left-hand side.” That was true. I had bought her the diamond pendant. She’d cried when I gave it to her and promised to wear it every day during our enforced separation.

“That’s sweet.”

I nodded. “Yeah, well. Anyway, she and her mom went to stay with her grandmother—her mom’s mom—for Christmas. Somewhere in Wales, I think.” That was true as well. She left the day after The Ball. “They got back the day before New Year’s Eve. The plan had been for Riss to see in the New Year with me at my house. I called her in the evening and she was... off. You know? Something wasn’t right between us. We weren’t supposed to meet up that night—it’d been a long journey and I knew she’d be tired—but she insisted. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t expect us to break up. We had a long talk. A very long talk. And she told me how dancing with the guys at the ball had opened her eyes to the possibilities and she wanted to explore them. I eventually said that I wouldn’t stop her if that’s what she wanted, but I’d never been into sharing. I wanted all of her or nothing. She chose nothing.”

The version of the story that Clarissa would tell her friends was that she was getting scared she was falling for me too hard, too quickly and had asked me to cool things down for a while. Give her time to think. And that I wouldn’t budge. I wanted all of her and when she wouldn’t give it, I’d said it was over. We were blaming each other—which we figured would be most believable to our friends. After all, isn’t that what couples do when they break up for real?

Lily’s locker was in a different part of the common room to mine, whereas Clarissa’s was just a few down from mine. So, I was alone when I got to my locker. Clarissa was alone at hers, getting some books out. She looked my way and although she couldn’t flash me her wonderful smile, she didn’t need to—I saw everything she was feeling right there in her eyes. I nodded, barely noticeable and her lips turned up in the corners in the merest hint of a smile before she closed her locker and left.

This was going to be tough.

I opened my locker and a slip of paper fell to the floor at my feet. I bent to pick it wondering what it was and how it got there. It was a piece of the loose leaf we used to make notes, torn from the pad and folded in four. My name was written on the front in red felt tip, the ‘a’ replaced with a heart. Clarissa’s neat hand was unmistakable. She must have slipped it through one of the vent slats at the top of the locker—the sort of things kids did when they were younger, but I hadn’t had a note like this in three or four years. There was no real need these days as we mostly just sent each other text messages.

I looked around to make sure I was alone then unfolded the paper and read.

My Dearest Paul,

I love you. Never ever forget that. No matter what happens over the next couple of months, remember that I love you. And that you love me. You do love me, don’t you? It’s not just something you say. I spoke to Grace and Ems yesterday and they bought the story. Ems says she understands and doesn’t blame either of us. Grace ... Well, Grace isn’t very happy with me.

It’s going to be so very hard having to go out with all these guys Mom’s picked out for me. I don’t know any of them and I don’t want to know them. I only want you. But you understand why I must do this and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for understanding. No, wait, I will be able to thank you enough. When this torture is over and we get back together, I’ll thank you properly. I’ll make all this have been worth your while. I promise.

Thank you so much for the necklace. It was the perfect gift. I haven’t taken it off since you draped it around my neck and kissed my ear. I swear I haven’t. It’s the perfect length. The heart sits at the top of my breasts. I can feel it wherever I am and I think I of you. I’ll wear it all the time I’m with those other guys and I’ll think of you

I can’t wait until—

“She’s an idiot.”

I snatched the letter downwards lest it be seen and looked up. Grace was standing next to my locker. “Sorry?”