A Good Man
Copyright© 2011 by Marc Nobbs
Chapter 26: Shoulders to Cry on
Clarissa was right.
By the time I arrived at school when it reopened in the New Year, word of our break-up had spread, and I could feel all eyes on me. Clarissa and I had been the school’s golden couple, and the younger pupils had looked up to our seemingly perfect relationship as something to aspire to.
Not anymore.
The first person to actually speak to me instead of just looking on with sympathy was Lily. I bumped into her in the school reception before school started. “I was sorry to hear about you and Clarissa. I thought you made a good couple.”
“Thanks. But I guess that’s just how things work out sometimes.”
“Guess so.”
She walked with me through the school, heading for the sixth form Common Room and our lockers.
“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” She must have seen on my face that I wasn’t inclined to talk about it. I know I don’t hide my feelings very well. I never have. She quickly added, “It’s just that there are so many rumours flying about, and if I knew the truth, I might be able to defuse some of them. Some people are saying you got into a really big argument, which doesn’t sound like the two of you. There’s one rumour that you hit her, which I don’t believe for a second, and one rumour that she hit you, which seems ridiculous.”
I gave her a small smile and said, “I didn’t hit her, and she didn’t hit me. And there was no argument.”
“So, what did happen?”
I shrugged, then stared ahead as we walked. Now was the time to serve up the story that Clarissa and I had worked out between us. Some of it was even true. I hated lying, but it had to be done. As Clarissa had said before Christmas, we didn’t have a choice.
And I felt awful that the first person I had to lie to was Lily—she deserved better.
“You were at The Ball. You saw what it was like. All those older guys kept asking her to dance, and I couldn’t get a look in. So, I insisted we leave early because I wanted to actually spend some time with her. I wanted to give her the present I’d bought her.”
“What did you get her?” She said excitedly, before looking at the floor. “Sorry. That’s none of my business.”
I smiled. “A little heart pendant on a chain. Both gold and the heart had a small diamond in the top left-hand side.” That was true. I had bought her the diamond pendant. She’d cried when I gave it to her and promised to wear it every day during our enforced separation.
“That’s sweet.”
I nodded. “Yeah, well ... Anyway, she and her mum went to stay with her grandmother, her mum’s mum, for Christmas. Somewhere in Wales, I think.” That was true as well. She left the day after the Ball. “They got back the day before New Year’s Eve. The plan had been for Riss to spend New Year’s Eve with me at my house, to see in the year together. I called her in the evening when she got back, but she was... off. You know? Something wasn’t right between us. We weren’t supposed to meet up that night because it had been a long journey, and I knew she’d be tired, but she insisted.”
I sighed. It’s a good job that telling this story was supposed to be difficult, but this was proving to be a lot harder than I’d imagined.
“I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t expect us to break up. We had a long talk. A really long talk. And she told me how dancing with the guys at the ball had opened her eyes to the possibilities, and she wanted to explore them. I eventually said that I wouldn’t stop her if that’s what she wanted, but I’d never been into sharing. I wanted all of her or nothing at all. She chose nothing.”
The version of the story Clarissa would tell her friends was that she was getting scared she was falling for me too hard, too quickly, and had asked me to cool things down for a while. Give her time to think. And I wouldn’t budge. I wanted all of her, and when she wouldn’t give it, I said it was over. We were blaming each other—something we thought would seem most believable to our friends. After all, isn’t that what couples do when they break up for real?
But I hated it. I hated having to portray Clarissa as the villain. She wasn’t the villain in this story. She was the victim. We both were.
Lily’s locker was in a different part of the common room from mine, while Clarissa’s was just a few along from mine. So, I was alone when I reached my locker. Clarissa was alone at hers, grabbing some books. She looked my way, and although she couldn’t flash me her wonderful smile, she didn’t need to—I could see everything she felt right there, reflected in her eyes. I nodded, barely noticeable, and her lips turned up at the corners in the faintest hint of a smile before she closed her locker and left.
This was going to be tough.
I opened my locker, and a slip of paper fell to the floor at my feet. I bent to pick it up, wondering what it was and how it got there. It was a piece of the loose-leaf paper we used to make notes, torn from the pad and folded in quarters, with my name on the front. This was the sort of thing we all did as kids when we were younger. I couldn’t count the number of these I’d pushed into some girl’s locker. But I hadn’t had a note like this in three or four years. There was no real need these days, as we mostly just sent each other text messages.
My name was written in red felt tip, and the ‘a’ had been replaced with a heart. Clarissa’s neat hand was unmistakable. She must have slipped it through one of the vent slats at the top of the locker.
I looked around to make sure I was alone, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then opened my eyes, unfolded the paper and read.
My Dearest Paul,
I love you. Please don’t ever forget that. Never. No matter what happens over the next couple of months, remember that I love you. And that you love me. You do love me, don’t you? It’s not just something you say. I spoke to Grace and Ems yesterday, and they bought the story. Ems says she understands and doesn’t blame either of us. Grace ... Well, Grace isn’t very happy with me.
It’s going to be so very hard having to go out with all these guys Mum’s picked out for me. I don’t know any of them, and I don’t want to know them. I only want you. But you understand why I have to do this, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for understanding. No, wait, I will be able to thank you enough. When this torture is over and we get back together, I’ll thank you properly. I’ll make all this torture worthwhile for you. I promise.
Thank you so much for the necklace. It was the perfect gift. I haven’t taken it off since you draped it around my neck and kissed my ear. I swear I haven’t. It’s the perfect length. The heart sits at the top of my breasts. I can feel it wherever I am, and I think of you. I’ll wear it all the time I’m with those other guys, and I’ll think of you.
I can’t wait until—
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