Chapter 21: When you Kiss Me, It’s like...

Monday was one of the worst days at school I think I’ve ever experienced. What Will had said about people possibly being more interested in my new money than in me had lodged itself in my brain and everywhere I looked I saw people looking to get what they could. Every time someone looked at me, I was thinking Do they know? or How much are they after? It was driving me nuts. I was convinced that even Kevin, Billy and the Simms twins were after my cash.

I wasn’t myself and I know that people noticed. I guess that my closest friends thought they knew the reason as they didn’t say anything—after all, most of them had been at that fateful birthday party three years earlier. I bet the date was as burned into their memories as it was mine. But Clarissa hadn’t been there. So, she did say something.

“Okay, what’s up with you?” she asked as we left Miss Pattison’s class at the end of the day.

I grunted. “Nothing.”

“Yes, there is. You’ve been acting weird all day. You’ve hardly spoken to anyone and when you have spoken to me you’ve virtually snapped my head off. Like just now.”

I huffed.

“Look, Paul, we’re supposed to trust each other and we’re supposed to be able to tell each other anything. So, for God’s sake, tell me.”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes!”

“Well, I suppose the fact that tomorrow is the third anniversary of my parent’s death might have something to do with it.”

She looked mortified. Her hand covered her mouth and the horror in her eyes was heartbreaking. “Oh, my God! Paul, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry, I should have known. I thought ... I thought you wanted to dump me or something. I’m sorry. God, you must think—”

“Okay, that’s not the only reason.” I couldn’t lie to her like that after her reaction. I just couldn’t. Problem was, she looked even more horrified now than before. Did she really think I was going to dump her? Why would she think that? “Look, we need to find somewhere private if I’m going to tell you this.”

She wailed. She actually wailed. “You are, aren’t you? You’re going to dump me.”

I grabbed her shoulders and made her face me. “Clarissa, listen. I’m not going to dump you, okay. Not now. Not ever.”

Her eyes widened. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. It’s just that ... Look, something happened over the weekend and it’s thrown me a bit of a googly, okay. I don’t know what to make of it. I was told not to tell anyone about it but, actually, I think you might be the one person in the whole damn town who might understand. And you’re right, if I can’t trust you, then who can I trust?”

She smiled and visibly made an effort to calm down. “The library?”

I shook my head. “There might be someone there. Can you come back to my place before you go home? Will Emily and Grace mind?”

“I don’t care if they do. You’re more important.”

After telling Grace and Emily that they had to find another way home, Clarissa drove us the short distance to my house. Vicky was home, watching TV in the lounge before her shift at The Hall, so we headed for the kitchen where I grabbed a Coke out for each of us of the fridge. As I did, I noticed, perhaps for the first time, just how well-stocked the fridge was. I’d never thought anything of it, but as I’d been growing up, before and after my parent’s death, I’d never really wanted for anything. We ate well, there were always plenty of snacks in the house, and I’d never had to suffer the indignity of second-hand clothes like some of my friends. We had always had pretty much anything we wanted—just never anything too extravagant.

I guess I was starting to see that we were well off—I’d just never noticed before.

“You’ve gone quiet again,” Clarissa said. “You look like you’re thinking about something.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. I just realised something, that’s all.”

She didn’t answer.

“Let’s go upstairs,” I said.

“To your room?”

“No, to the bathroom. Of course, to my room.”

“Won’t your sister mind?”

I shrugged. “I don’t see why. I just need to tell you something, and I’ll be more comfortable doing it in my room.”

She nodded, but she couldn’t have looked more apprehensive if you told her she’d be witnessing a public execution.

I led her upstairs, holding her hand, and sat her next to me on the bed. Mine was the third of three bedrooms so it wasn’t massive, but it wasn’t small either. Vicky had the second biggest room. We kept the master as it was. Even now. Neither of us went in there very much.

I held Clarissa’s hand as she looked around the room at my posters. Her eyes lingered on the famous one of Chloe Goodman on the beach from her Ladz shoot a couple of years ago. When, finally, her eyes found me, she looked scared and more intimidated than I’d ever seen her.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She said nothing and looked at her lap. I put my finger under her chin and lifted her face to mine. “What? Tell me?”

She took a deep breath. “This is about sex, isn’t it?”

“What? I mean ... What?”

Tears were starting to well in those beautiful blue eyes of hers. “You’re upset because we’ve been going out for a month and we haven’t had sex yet. I haven’t even let you ... you know. Or ... you know ... for you.”

I shook my head to clear it. “Riss that’s ... That’s mad. That’s just ... Why would you even think that?”

“Grace said—”

“You mean Micester High’s highest authority on relationships. Remind me, how many boyfriends has she gone through in the past year?”

She cracked a smile at that but it faded quickly. “But she said ... she said if we didn’t do it soon then I’d lose you.”

“I’d have thought that Grace would have thought that was a good thing.”

A half-smile. “Well, yes, but only because she wants you for herself.” She gasped and covered her mouth. “Shit. I shouldn’t have said that.”