Chapter 7: Manifestation Seven: The Passion of Sadness

The room I was shown was a small surprise to me, only in that I had never actually entered into the walk-in freezer unit in the kitchen. At the rear of the freezer was a small panel that flipped open to reveal a small keypad. Juri-sensei tapped out a series of numbers and a large section of the wall next to the pad slid inward and to the side, to reveal a spiral stair case downwards. I was led down the stairs by Juri-sensei and followed by everyone else, with the door closing automatically behind us. The passage was gradually getting warmer as we traveled downwards. We traveled for a while and I could feel the calves of my legs starting to ache.

"Couldn't put an elevator in?" I mumbled to myself, a bit louder than I thought.

"It could have been done, but then there would have been an issue of power, and it was decided that a safety concern that big was not warranted." I hard Nene-san reply quietly from behind me. "Besides, a little exercise is good." she added almost too quietly for me to hear.

I and my entourage traveled downwards for a fair length of time, somewhere along the lines of about 15 minutes, before I could sense the trip was getting close to its end. I heard noises coming from below that sounded like machinery and people. I suspected that this was a bit more than just a hiding hole in the freezer. Just the trip down hinted at that. We arrived at the bottom of the stairwell into a type of entry room with only one door, a rather sturdy metal door with a strange panel device to its left. I gathered with the rest of the ladies at the door and Juri-sensei took the lead.

"This is a palm scanner locking system, with a self contained power source so there can be no power failure. It has a limited capacity of five prints, so only five separate people are able to enter through this door. The door itself is made from an alloy of steel, titanium and ceramics that no one but us has. It would almost take the force of a mini nuke to destroy the door." Juri-sensei went on to mention other security features about the place, but I had tuned her out at that point and returned to my original thought about the three that had died. I felt there was something I should know about it, something that I was missing but just didn't see yet. I considered the memories that I had gained back when full integration happened, when the voice and I became one, but nothing I saw there was important. I moved with the rest of the group as they moved through the now opened door into a long high ceilinged hallway that ran left to right. There was a large set of doors directly across the hallway, but we turned to the left instead and went down to the first door on our left.

"This is the med-lab, and also the place I've stored the bodies, there's cold storage there also." Chika-san said, "Normally this place only does medical research, but until I could call in someone the bodies were to be stored here."

I stepped up to the door and stopped anyone from opening it, "I wish to be alone in here for a while. I'll come back out in a little while." I said quietly. They looked unsure of this for a moment, but I just entered and secured the door after myself so no one could come in anyway. I looked at the room I'd entered and found it to be your typical medical lab in the fact that there was counters lining all four walls, cupboard space above and below these, steel and glass storage cases all over the place, a pair of sinks at the rear of the room, a hospital type bed, lots of expensive electronic monitoring equipment strewn about, and, finally, a large stainless steel storage room at the back right corner of the room. I could tell that this must be where the three bodies were stored. I wove my way through the furniture and equipment to stand in front of the door of this body storage closet. I hesitated at first to touch the latch on the door, but finally I reached out and grasped the cold steel and gently tugged it open. It unsealed with a sucking pop, swung wide to bang against the wall, and I jumped slightly at the noise. I looked into the small room and saw a walkway between shelves that were wide enough for someone to walk down like a path. I stepped in hesitantly and moved down the path. I could tell that the small room was a lot larger than it really looked. It seemed to go on for several meters, displaying shelf upon shelf of medical devices and biological samples in tubes and bottles. This looked like a cold storage room for a medical research lab more than a morgue, but after walking down the path I came to an intersection that let me go right or left. I looked both ways and saw what I was looking for. To my right were what looked like covered bodies on metal pallets. I moved to these and placed my hand on the top most sheet covered body. I gently pulled back the sheet to see that it was one of the men that had attacked us. I checked the others and found that I had only found the attackers. I searched around a little longer and finally found what I was looking for. Situated in a side ally in the cold storage were the three bodies, encased in a soft yellow blanket each. I pulled back the top of the blanket to look at the faces in repose, although I knew that at least one of them had lost her head I knew that I had to see their faces each, touch their lips with mine, and remembered, although short, times that I had spent with them. I looked at Sata-san, her long red hair stained with her blood, freckle flecked face spattered with dried blood. I remembered the feel of heat from her skin as I had touched it in the living room. I remembered the smell of her excitement and perfume mixed together. I remembered the bright and enthusiastic girl who had spent time with her friends as they helped each other with work and school. I brushed a piece of hair off of her face and stroked her cheek lightly, feeling the softness of the skin against the back of my hand, the flower of her mouth closed forever. I felt a tear run down my face and watched it land on Sata-san's slightly parted lips and disappear into her mouth. I returned the cover to its previous position covering her and moved to the next pallet. I could tell before I even pulled the cover back that it was Yui-san by the large blood stain in the center. I hesitated for a moment before moving the cover from her face, unsure of the gruesomeness that I would see. I slid it back to uncover her and stared into the face of a sleeping angel with white hair. I brushed her cheek lightly and felt the softness of her skin, her button nose slightly upturned at the end made her look like a little pixie. Her lips were full, rich, but blue as death could be. I felt another tear fall and watched it land on the lips of her open mouth. I moved to the last covered pallet in this area and paused. This would be the hardest one to say goodbye to. I could still remember the smell of her perfume and the silkiness of her skin. I knew the silkiness of her hair and deep blackness of her eyes. I pulled the cover only as far as her chin, as I knew it would not be good to go any further. I was shocked at the look frozen on her face, one of horror and pain, her eyes were still open. It hurt so much to know that she suffered pain and died in fear. Tears rained down upon her face as I cried for her. It hurt so much deep inside me that I could feel the world spin away from me, a burn begin low in my stomach and spread out to the rest of my body. I felt the deepest and most painful sorrow for these three who had their life taken away because of me. I felt the floor hit me and lay there looking up at the ceiling through a haze I could feel to the center of my bones. I felt distant and vague, like a fading dream. A slight burn over my body made me understand that I was hurting beyond my ability to deal with it. The room, through the haze, looked brighter like a second sun had appeared, then even brighter as a third and fourth sun ignited. I suddenly realized that we had come deep underground and that no way could there be one sun, let alone three more suns, shining in this dismally depressing room of the dead. I lay there gradually receding from my surroundings and sinking into a haze of nothingness. All feelings receded along with my surroundings, and I became an island unto myself, a locus of silence and oblivion. Once again I was in the room of my mind, only this time I knew I was all alone, there would be no familiar voice to talk with or expand my knowledge.

I sat there in my mind and, yes, I was sitting cross legged, and considered what had happened to me from as far back as I could remember. A lone child without siblings and without friendship, I had never been able to make friends in school as a child due to the fact that too many people knew that my family was rich enough to purchase several small countries in the world without breaking the bank. I had moved through my days playing by myself and only talking occasionally with the people who guarded me. I never gained any permanent friendship with them either, because as soon as they looked like they were getting comfortable in the position they were either let go or moved to another aspect of the company as far away as possible. I would sit in the playground and watch the other kids from a distance, and wish I knew what they were playing or saying or singing. Never getting too close to them because of the guards around me and the fear the children would experience because of them. Money had always, in my mind, been a terrible thing that made my life hell. I was now old enough to know that it was not money, as a tool can not be at fault for what the tool users use it for. The people who were at fault were the people around me and myself. I never felt strong enough to step out and meet the other children. They felt intimidated by the wealth and power my family wielded. Later on, as I grew up more, I came to know that I would have to do my best to make friends, but even then I was not successful in that. I lacked the skills to do this due to my childhood, never interacting with people my age made the difference. I only interacted with adults that lacked emotion due to the work they did. When I finally chose a person to interact with, it turned out to be a bad choice, but I still went with my heart. That choice broke my heart when she was killed in front of me. And then later to find out that the only two people who did truly love me were killed also shattered my heart. I fell back on the one thing I had learned by the people that I was always around. No emotions, no pain, no pain, you will be fine. The problem with that is that you can not exist properly without emotions. I just felt numb and worn out, burned out, even. I sat in my empty mind and just let myself be empty. I felt raw, I felt torn, and I felt hollow and hurting. It seemed like ages went by when I heard something that made me wonder. Like the rustle of leaves in a small breeze, I could hear a voice in the distance, a woman's voice, one I did not recognize in any way. I could not make out what was being said, but it was definitely directed at me because I heard my name used. I listened carefully for it again and there it was again, only clearer.

"Kie, I feel your pain, I feel your sorrow, I am here to help you." the voice whispered.

"I used to have a voice in my head that kept telling me that it was me, I suspect you are not me as you sound like a woman." I said loudly, "Who are you?"

"I am the start of you, the core of you and the power from you. A genetic memory, if that makes you comfortable. I am a part of your past you did not know existed." The voice whispered louder now, "I am Ardat Lili, the spirit of your ancestor seven generations before you. Without me your family does not exist. You may call me Lilith, or great great great great grandmother ... I would suggest Lilith"

I sensed a smile in the voice, and could see a sight haze develop not far from where I was, giving me the first sense of distance in this gray limbo. I watched as it drew closer and closer, gaining more of a distinct shape and form. It was humanoid, I could tell, but as for anything else ... well I could not tell because it was still too tenuous. "If you are my ancestor, then why have I not heard of you before?" I asked with suspicion.

"I sense a lack of trust. Has life deceived you that much you no longer trust even yourself, or that which is in your own mind?" she spoke with humor in her voice.

It wasn't the lack of trust I felt, it was more the feelings of familiarity that made me hesitate to trust this new voice, "Its your voice that I might know, makes me cautious. You seem familiar to me, and yet there is no reason why you would be. My ancestor is long dead and gone."

I heard her chuckle, "Gone but not dead. I was banished many centuries ago in an act of vileness by the very people that hunt you. Yes, I know about your problems, I know about your losses and I know about your pain. I've felt it completely several times, my child." I watched her form in front of me, starting with her face. Her face was oval shaped, she had soft white skin and sharp cheekbones, dark eyes like father's and a strong straight nose above a mouth with full lips. Her hair was gossamer blackness like night. She had a long neck that came to wide shoulders. I watched as she enveloped her gradually solidifying shape in a green flowing cape that showed nothing and hinted at everything, a woman I could never feel comfortable calling great grandmother. "It was your first loss that pulled me far enough to watch you this whole time. Yours is the first to reach me where I was." she finished.

"What reached you?" I asked, looking into her eyes. I was looking for some threat or deception.

"Pain and loss, my child, your pain and loss was so strong that I could feel it call to me, in outrage I felt one of mine was hurting and with such agony that I was pulled to you. The next time I felt your pain and loss I was pulled once again. This time I am pulled, but only this far. I may not be physical, but I am here nonetheless. I would need greater power to come back physically. That is another thing I will teach you later. Right now you need to be taught the basics so you can protect yourself and the people around you." she said, and she began walking around me, examining me.

"I have questions, but the biggest one I have is how I can be demon and human?" I asked.

She sighed heavily and seemed to sit herself in mid air like she was sitting on a stool, "There was, a long time ago, a man, a very special man, a man of great innocence and vast love. I fell in love with this man and in time we had children. Twins, boy and a girl, that were great and wonderful. We lived together for all his life and the children married and had children of their own. One day when the man went off to work he met a stranger, a stranger who was his demise. That same stranger came to the house and banished me, and I returned to my original plane. It is the senseless death of my love that calls for vengeance, but for that I will bide my time." she nodded to herself and then focused on me fully. "Now, my child, you need help that I can give. You need skills for life, love and battle. For that I am here."

"Why would you help?" I asked simply.

"Twofold reasons. First and foremost is that one of my children needs help that only I can give, second, after all is said and done, I will most likely have revenge against those that destroyed my love and my life." she replied. She began moving around me and examining me with critical eye. "I will definitely have to work on you if this is your true form. We'll need to build on what you have, my child, if you are to survive any great battles."

I remained sitting cross-legged where I was and let her wander around me. "What do you mean?" I asked.

She shook her head on her third time around me and came to a standstill in front of me, "I believe we will have to work on your power if you are to survive. The limited power you have right now will just barely get you through a normal battle, let alone with a minor demon. Not to even mention a major demon. What have you had happen so far?" She asked, looking thoughtful.

I described what had happened in my life so far in as much detail as she would let me, and filled in areas where she felt there was not enough detail. She focused on the incident in the subway on the day I had lost my parents. She requested more detail on the girl I had been interested in, and then made sad sounds when I explained what I had found out about that young girl. She then focused on my experience in school with reading in the literature class. She covered her mouth as she chuckled lightly at the described activities, and when I looked at her questioningly she waved it off and made me continue. When I got to Lexa's activities, she looked quite interested and made me provide more details. Lilith sensed my pain when I spoke about the carnage and the loss of three women that were close to my heart and, placing her hand on my forehead, added her support to my struggles with the painful memories. It took a little while to regain my composure, but I continued on with the report. She seemed to nod in approval when I spoke about taking Lexa in as a member of the household, then her eyes became unreadable when I spoke about the fight in the living room and the end results. I continued on until I started to explain about the dark one, then she had a look of shock on her face and made me go into great detail with the description of it and what happened throughout. I scrimped on no details and even went so far as to describe the feelings I had when I was working with the powers I wielded at the time. The shocked look remained on her face as I detailed how I had manipulated the power, and how I felt I could have done better. I shook my head as I mentioned that I felt that I had not done as well as I could have. Lilith held out her hand for me to take and helped me to my feet. I stood and was immediately embraced by her.

"I've listened to you and I have come to the conclusion that you did an excellent job." she whispered into my ear as she hugged me. "For someone with no idea of what they can do you did amazingly well against a demon of such power. You did not just banish the evil creature, you destroyed it. I am so proud of you, my child."

"I have still failed three people I cared for." I buried my face into her shoulder, "Three people that will never have a life because I couldn't protect them!" I sobbed. I felt wretched and pathetic, as my memories of the three passed through my mind. I couldn't see any way to recover from their loss, and only held myself accountable to it. My great grandmother held me close and rocked me gently, letting me wrack myself with sobs and wails of sorrow. She said nothing to me but just held me gently. I was like this for an unknown amount of time before the tears subsided. Lilith released me from her embrace and, holding me firmly by the shoulders, pushed me to an arm's distance from her and looked at me again.

"I understand your pain, my child, and I have felt such pain. It is not a total loss, though, as you have gained me back and I can now teach you about yourself. I can help you become better at protecting..." she paused then, seemingly looking for a word finished, "the ones you need."

I wiped away the tears and stepped back from her with feelings of futility and I spat, "Every time I have anyone around me they get hurt! I should have left them the first time and never listened to their pleading words. If I had not been there then Sata, Yui and Doi would not be dead!" I turned my back on her and felt my heart race at the anger I felt at myself.

She slipped one of her arms around my stomach from behind, the other one slipped over my shoulder to meet it and pulled me into a warm hug from behind, "My child ... you would be dead from starvation then, and our family line would be dead. Do you not know? You need them! You can hardly live without them, in fact! You forget that you are one of my children! Do you understand what that means?" She spun me around to look me in the eyes. "You need what they offer, and it appears they offer it to you freely."

I looked at her with confusion, "What are you talking about? I don't need the food they make or the house they offer. I have enough money to live in on my own, and I know how to cook quite well so I would not starve. I can not see anything that they offer that I need." I said with a shrug.

"Silly child." she said with an enigmatic smile, and stepped back, folding her hands in front of her. "You are part Ardat Lili, part of you is succubus, granted, I believe you would be mistakenly called a half incubus, but truth be told you have part of me in you, and as such you have my strengths and my weaknesses. You, therefore, need to feed that side of yourself or die, just as if you had not eaten food. What you feed on is the energy created during the more ... ah ... pleasurable activities of passion..."

I looked at her blankly for a moment, "Pleasurable activities of pa... ?" It finally dawned on me what she was saying, and I stammered, "I can't do that! I ... I ... I..."

She cut me off with a taunting comment, "You'll ... You'll..." she looked angry then, "You'll starve if you don't!" she spat, pinning me with a scowl, then, looking like she had come to a decision, nodded once and began to pace back and forth in front of me as she spoke, "I know you're unfamiliar with the situation, so I'll accept that and try to clear things up a bit for you. Get comfortable, because this is going to take a while." I settled myself into a seated position on the gray surface and looked up at her as she once again slowly paced back and forth in front of me. She began to explain the ins and outs of 'feeding'. "You will have to feed yourself as often as possible now that you've used some power. Normal's do not have powers, as they don't know how to tap into an energy source, or are unable to. You would have not had to feed if you'd not used any magik, but in this instance you really had no choice. Your source of power is, as I have said, the pleasurable activities of passion, and if you do not feed on a regular basis then you WILL die. No two ways about it. Dead, mort, cessation of life ... etc." She glanced at me and continued when she saw I was paying attention, "Feeding is done in many ways, starting with a simple act of copulation, to induced orgasmic reaction, to the more complex, but just as satisfying but much more filling, mass induction of emotional overflow."

I interrupted her quickly with a simple question, "Is that like the happenings at the school with the poetry?"

"Don't interrupt when I'm talking, child, but in answer, yes." she said looking down at me, "You probably didn't realize you were inducing the emotional overflow, and you most likely reacting automatically although the possibility that you were truly feeding can not be ruled out ... did you feel anything different when you were reading?" I shook my head no, "Well, if you had been feeding then you would have noticed something different about yourself. Now, on to other things, there are different kinds of feeding, and each one provides both a different quantity and quality of energy. The last one we mentioned will provide you with a large supply of, what I like to call soft energy, and is the best for you, but not often available due to the amount of people needed to provide it. Anything less than fourteen people and it won't work, there is no upper limit, but the most I've ever had was a crowed of fifty, that takes a lot of work, though." she smiled at this fond memory for a moment, then returned her attention to me. "The next one down is induced emotional equivalent, or..." I had tuned her out at the moment as I tried to figure out how everything was done and what the 'energy' she was talking about was. I couldn't see how anything could be induced in anyone unless you had physical contact with them. I recalled an incident earlier, of watching my manifestation do things to Nene-san in the kitchen without even touching her, and then it struck me that my manifestation was, at the time, not even physical, so how could it interact with anyone. I was confused on this point. My Great grandmother recognized my inattention, and saw the look of confusion on my face. "Is something wrong?" she asked, so I explained the incident in as much detail as I could. She had a look of mild surprise, but nodded and answered. "That was direct nerve induction. That is an instance where the nerves themselves are stimulated to pleasurable levels. It is ... different from any of the other forms because it requires a certain kind of intimacy first of all, and second of all ... it takes a great level of skill to do it." She gained a thoughtful look and began to pace again. She did this for a while so I just watched her. She had become careless of her physical shape as she contemplated, and periodically I gained a look or a flash here and there of what was under the cloak. The hints I got was enough for me to know that she wasn't just a beautiful face to look at. I looked away to examine the ground at my feet. Suddenly she stopped, and staring at me pointedly "How many people were in this auditorium you said you were reading in?"

I thought back to when I walked the entire room and calculated out a rough estimate of the capacity of the room, "I guess around about three hundred or more people." Lilith once again had that look of surprise on her face, but turned away from me quickly as if to hide it. I was not going to have someone keeping secrets, so I stood quickly and grabbed her arm to have her turn and face me. "Why do you look surprised, is there something wrong?"

She looked at me in surprise, I guess it was my boldness at grabbing her and, without letting go of her arm she stepped back from me. I matched her step for step so that she couldn't get any further from me than a single pace. She finally stopped backing up and let loose a sigh of defeat. "I will explain to you why I am surprised then, my child. You must recognize that I am the first Succubus that has existed in this world, and as such I have prided myself on my abilities to do what I needed. I have great skill and power to control the emotions of others and, through that, protect them and feed myself. What you do not know is that first off, I am not the only Succubus, just the only one to come to this earthly realm. It is the indication of my powers that I am able to travel here. Even with my great power I have found that I have limitations, and, as you can see, these limitations have caused me great loss and painful memories. I have listened to you and your story only to discover that there are things you can do that even I am unable to do. Actions that you've take that even I am unable to achieve. I have never been able to heal someone as you have. I have never been able to influence such a large amount of people like you have, and even with all the training and natural abilities I have I would be hard set to defeat a dark one like you did with no training at all. You show great power and natural skill, and how this can be is what surprises me, you are mostly human and only a small part Ardat Lili. I have tested you also to see if what you say is true. I have tried to feed off you and I have tried to influence you, even in my weakened state I should have succeeded, but I failed. I sense no great power radiating from you and, in fact, you seem to be a normal human boy in all aspects, this I do not understand." I released her arm finally and stepped back a few paces. I focused on her, looking directly at her eyes and consciously tried to influence her the same way that I remember my manifestation did with Nene-san. I abruptly ceased this action when her face flushed, eyes grew wide and she began to wobble unsteadily on her feet. She let out a slight squeak and staggered. Her attention focused on me right then, and I had to grab hold of her before she collapsed and gently guided her to a seated position. "You did that, didn't you!" she whispered almost in awe. I didn't bother to answer as she already knew that. I helped her to her feet again and she added, "I'm glad you didn't try to feed off me instead, that would have probably set me back a bit and I would have probably disappeared. It takes lots of energy to get even here. That's why a summoning is such a difficult procedure and requires hours of work."

I smiled slightly at this, "I'm guessing that you want to return to this world again?" Her look confirmed my guess. "If I can do anything to get you here, I will do it."

I could see the start of tears in her eyes as she looked at me with a warm smile, "I knew I could count on you, my child." She leaned forward and gave me a hug like I'd only received once in my life. Just like my mother used to when she was proud of something I had done. She stepped back from me and bowed formally to me. "I will await your call, my child."

I watched as she shimmered slightly and slowly faded away from sight like the Cheshire Cat in "Alice in Wonderland", with just the smile remaining to the last.

I stood there in that gray area by myself and considered things carefully. I had lost three people that were dear and important to me, found out that they were not just important to me on an emotional level but also a health level, met one of the most important people in my family, and now had a better understanding of myself and what I was. I just didn't feel like celebrating anything because the more important thing was I was still missing the three people that were important to me. I knew that I couldn't sit here in this non-world forever, and that I had to return to reality soon. I didn't know how much time had passed since I came here. I could only guess from past experience that just about any amount of time was possible. Either way, I had spent entirely way too much time hiding in this, my own little world, it was time I moved on and dealt with the loss of the three special ladies. There were needs that required attention, and important things to do. I focused again like last time and centered myself on the portal inward to outward. The rushing feeling began and increased, and the tunnel stretched before me. I had a distance to travel before I saw the light at the end. Then, like before, I was launched through the light into the real world again, thrown across the room and landed on top of two warm bodies with a solid impact.