Chapter 14

The universe has provided physicists and mathematicians with a number of universal constants. This list includes the speed of light, Planck's constant, and pi to name a few. Many college students feel superior because they have memorized the values of these constants. It should be noted that most of these students have no clue what these constants mean or what they are used for. When asked, these students avoid answering the question by calmly explaining that you wouldn't understand it even if they told you. That's one of the values of getting a higher education – you can make statements like that and no one will try to prove you wrong – except for the professors who teach the stuff.

It would seem to some that with many centuries of studying nature and physics that all of these universal constants would have been identified and well understood. That is not the case. There is one universal constant that physicists and mathematicians have not yet formalized. That constant is that college cafeterias all over the world are the same.

On those handful of days when parents come on campus visits, the cafeteria on campus will serve great food. It is done that way so that normally tightfisted parents will be willing to pay outrageous sums of money for meal plans that force students to eat on campus. On those few days, they will lay out a wonderful spread that includes steak, shrimp, lobster, and an array of desserts that can give even the most weight conscious mother an orgasm. Mom and Dad feast on food that is better than they get at home.

It is not only the food that is outstanding, so is the presentation. Meals are served on real plates with silverware made of a real metal rather than plastic. There are cotton tablecloths on the tables. Napkins are cloth. There are little vases with carnations stuck in them decorating the tables.

And when the parents leave campus after tearfully parting with their beloved child, things change. The real food is brought out -- gray hamburgers, wilted salads, mushy pasta with a tomato sauce that bubbles even at room temperature, and pizzas with a layer of grease on top that is so thick that the oil from one slice could power a biodiesal car for a hundred miles. Nothing goes to waste, not even the food tossed into the trashcan. What is not eaten today is presented tomorrow and the day after and the day after until someone mistakenly consumes it.

The reason for this uniformity is that all college cafeterias are operated by the same company, Ptomaine College Catering. It is a Fortune 500 company listed on Wall Street with the symbol (EVL). For those not experienced with campus food, do not despair. It is likely that you've eaten at a Ptomaine College Catering outlet since it has a subdivision that serves the food at rest areas all along highways, at bus stations, and their most profitable area – on airlines.

The ownership of Ptomaine College Catering is a common subject of speculation among college students whose parents, out of a fit of misplaced generosity, bought their children meal plans which basically required them to eat on campus for every meal. One thing that is agreed upon is that it is owned by two guys, the Ptomaine brothers (first names unknown).

One theory that has a small following among college students is that the Ptomaine brothers are college dropouts. They dropped out because they were never invited to any college parties and choose to go into the catering business as a form of revenge. While the number of believers of this theory is relatively small, everyone agrees that one goal of the catering company is to assure that students are too ill to attend any Friday night parties. One might consider them to have been successful except for the fact that heavy party goers have adopted the habit of eating potato chips (packaged) and drinking soft drinks (from cans) all day Thursday and Friday, thereby remaining healthy enough to destroy their health at parties by consuming massive quantities of alcohol.

A more widely accepted theory is that the two brothers were once professors on a college campus. They started the catering company to have revenge on the college students who drove them crazy by asking stupid questions. The basic idea is that the stupid students would eat the most toxic food and not survive long enough to ask a stupid question. It is agreed that, if this is the case, that the brothers have not been successful. After all, senior biology students have been heard to ask the question, 'What is that DNA thingy?', because they were too sick to attend class the day that topic was covered.

A closely related theory is that the brothers are taking revenge on professors who made their lives miserable while in college. The basic idea is that students would spend so much time being sick from the toxic food that they would learn very little. Nothing bothers a professor more than having students learn absolutely nothing. If this theory is true, then the brothers have been very successful. After all, senior biology students have been heard to ask the question, 'What is that DNA thingy?', because they were too sick to attend class the day that topic was covered. It is a compelling argument.

One of the most popular theories is that the two brothers got MBAs from the Harvard Business School and undertook this business to prove that with proper business dealings, one could get a monopoly even without a decent product, very high prices, and exceptionally poor service. If this is the case, then the two brothers are clearly business geniuses and should be held up as role models in every business school across the country. Who could possibly believe that they could sell tens of thousands of gray rancid burgers at eight dollars each when a fast food place down the street sells a better product for four dollars?

A theory that is gaining popularity among students is that the brothers are actually brilliant biologists working under a government research grant to bring about the Zombie Apocalypse. The evidence supporting this theory was quite obvious. Students, after eating, would turn green and mindlessly shuffle out of the room. Many a graduating senior suffered from permanent brain damage, although some parents are convinced that it was from drugs and alcohol abuse rather than toxic food. That is debatable.

Suzie, Sean, John, and Patty (John's environmental activist girlfriend) were unfortunate victims of their parents good intentions and had food plans that covered all meals. This meant that three times a day they were forced to go through the serving line making the life and death decision of what to eat. They were seated in the school cafeteria examining what was laughingly considered food.

Sean looked over at Patty's salad. The limp leaves of lettuce had somehow or another turned a weird yellow color – not the yellow of a canary, but more like that of an old newspaper that had been left out in the sun for a long time.

Sean asked, "How's your salad?"

"It's a ... well ... it does taste a little like lettuce, but not quite," Patty answered.

Suzie said, "I was going to try it, except that I don't trust salads that have been stored under a heat lamp."

"You'd think they'd keep the pizza under the heat lamp instead of the ice cream freezer," Sean said wondering where they stored the ice cream.

He held up his slice of pizza and tapped it on the side of his tray. It was still frozen and made a dull thud. He held it up and examined the ice crystals that had formed on it.

John said, "I was going to try the stew until I noticed that the surface was moving around."

"I didn't notice the stew," Sean said. "Where was it?"

"It was on the floor next to the mop bucket," John answered.

"Oh. I thought that was the ice cream," Patty said.

Suzie held up her packet of toaster pops. They were in nice sealed foil packages straight from the factory.

She said, "I went for the toaster pops. They might taste like cardboard with old jelly sandwiched in it, but the only chemicals are preservatives, coloring, artificial flavors, and sugar substitutes."

"That sounds nutritious," Sean said rolling his eyes.

"It's better than that frozen mess you've got," Suzie said.

"That's true."

John poked at the gray burger on his plate. The hamburger bun was hard as a rock and could have qualified as a deadly weapon if thrown at someone. There was a round thing on top of the patty that could have been a slice of tomato, a pickle, or a piece of Kiwi fruit. It was hard to say what it was, but one thing was sure – he wasn't going to eat it.

Patty said, "I heard that the hamburger they serve here is actually made from kangaroo meat."

"I'd heard horse," Suzie said.

"Tofu," Sean said.

John frowned. "I could handle kangaroo or horse, but tofu..."

"It does sound disgusting," Sean said in agreement.

"I saw a guy take that piece of lasagna that was left over from the first day of school," John said.

"Really?"

John said, "I told him not to take it, but he insisted that it was vegetarian lasagna made with spinach noodles."

"He's lucky the ambulances are all parked in front of the cafeteria," Sean said.

Suzie said, "That wasn't lasagne they served the first day of school. It was tuna casserole."

"He's a dead man," Sean said while tapping his pizza on the plate to see if it had defrosted any. It hadn't.

John nodded his head in agreement. There were some things served in the cafeteria that weren't to be tried even on a dare. It was a pretty good bet that if it was green, it was toxic.

Patty asked, "Why don't you microwave your slice of pizza?"

"The microwave doesn't work. It's one of those fake models of a microwave that they use in stores," Sean answered.

"They don't use fake models in stores. At least, not in any of the stores where I've shopped," John said.

"The one over there is made of cardboard," Sean said.

John looked over where Sean was pointing. There was a cardboard box with 'microwave' scrawled across the top and controls drawn in crayon. Someone had hung an out of order sign on it.

"I never noticed that."

Patty said, "If we still had a chemistry building, you could have gone over there and heated it up over a Bunsen burner."

"Or zapped it with a laser," John said.

Two men pushing a gurney came running past. The foursome at the table watched them pass by.

"They're new. I've never seen them before," Sean said commenting on the identity of the EMS crew.

"I noticed they had an extra ambulance parked in front of the cafeteria today," John said.

Looking concerned, Suzie said, "I wonder who got sick."

"I wonder what they were eating," Sean said hoping that it wasn't pizza.

He was still examining his slice of pizza. He was half tempted to start a fire to warm up the pizza slice, but the last time a student had tried that the school had thrown the person out of school for arson. He figured that he had to have something in his pockets that would help him heat the pizza.

Patty said, "It's nice that they park the ambulances close by."

"It's a necessity," John said.

A student, looking a particularly odious pale green color, was loaded onto the gurney. When the two men pushed the gurney past their table, they could see that she was foaming slightly at the mouth. Her eyes were actually spinning.

John said, "It looks like she got rabies."

"I haven't seen anyone foam at the mouth before," Patty said.

Upon remembering that he had something that would let him heat his pizza, Sean said, "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?" Suzie asked.

"I'm going outside. I'm going to try heating up my slice of pizza with a magnifying glass," Sean answered.

"That's a good idea," John said.

Sean went outside carrying his piece of pizza with him. He rummaged through his pockets until he found the small magnifying glass and pulled it out. He held it a few inches over the pizza, focusing the rays of the sun on the surface. It took a few seconds before the congealed grease melted and then burst into flame. After that, the whole slice of pizza started burning. He blew the fire out while trying to keep from getting burnt.

Returning to the table with his blackened slice of pizza, he said, "That didn't work out so well."