Chapter 12

Sean and his roommate, John, were down in the television room of the dorm watching a cable news channel. It was a large room with lots of chairs and a wide screen television mounted on the wall. The chairs, stained by years of pizza dropped on them and soda spilled upon them, had seen better days.

There were two boxes of furry pizza that were left over from last year on a table in the middle of the room. A student with a partially eaten piece of pizza resting on his chest was staring off into space, repeatedly saying, "The colors ... Look at all the colors."

Normally, Sean and John would not spend an evening watching the news, but they had the same history class and had been assigned to watch the evening news. They were to report on any news story that might be of historical significance in the future. There were another dozen students all watching the news for the same reason.

With a picture of the President in the background, the news announcer said, "In a minor news story, the President was rescued from Lake Superior after the rowboat in which he was giving a speech was capsized by a rogue wave. Secret Service agents were quick to jump to the rescue after playing ten games of paper, rocks, and scissors to see which one of them would have to get wet.

"In an interview after the rescue, the President said that his next public appearance will be at the foot of Mount Snowsalot. We will not be covering that speech because of the high risk of avalanche. We're willing to go far for a news story, but our reporters are not suicidal.

"When asked why he was going to do a public appearance in that particular location, the President answered that he was running his campaign based on sound scientific principles. He had been reassured by members of the scientific community that this strategy would lead to a result that was best for the country. When asked to clarify what that meant, he said this his reelection was clearly in the country's best interests."

John said, "Fergie's Third Unproven Theorem is picking some unique places for the President to appear at in his bid for reelection."

"Do you think this qualifies as a news story that might be of historical significance?" Sean asked.

"No. If he had died, maybe. A close call isn't really significant," John said.

Sean said, "You're right."

The reporter said, "In a related story, firemen rescued a cat that was stuck on the branch of a tree. This is one of those feel good stories that makes you feel good.

"The dramatic events began early this morning when the cat, Snuggles, climbed up the tree. The owner called up to it promising din-din would be a full can of the luxury cat food – Gourmet Meals for Cats, Salmon flavor. The owner knew that the cat was in trouble when it wouldn't come down after that kind of enticement.

"We interviewed the CEO of Gourmet Meals for Cats for his insight into the problem. CEO W. Hiskers said that any cat would climb down out of a tree for a chance to eat some of their gourmet cat food, particularly the Salmon flavor. The cat must be in serious trouble if it didn't climb down. He expressed his best wishes for a positive outcome to what could possibly end up being a tragic event.

"Firemen worked frantically for hours trying to figure out how to rescue the cat from its perch six dangerous feet above the ground. Their initial attempt to rescue the cat turned into tragedy when the ladder collapsed, sending one fireman to the hospital. His condition was reported to be stable.

"We interviewed the CEO of Ladders for Most Purposes about the collapse of their product. CEO, Mr. I.M. Short, said that all of their ladders came with warnings that improper use of their products could lead to injuries. He was confident that the fireman had not rigged sufficient safety lines and that the company would not be liable for any damages. In a related story, the stock for Ladders for Most Purposes rose two tenths of a point.

"A brave fireman, rigged with safety harnesses, finally climbed the tree and lowered the cat to its frantic owner. The fireman suffered minor scratches from the cat, but the important thing was that the cat was safe. The whole crowd that was gathered breathed a huge sigh of relief upon seeing Snuggles safe in the arms of his loving owner.

"Our intrepid reporter attempted to interview the cat, but it had nothing to say about the episode. It appears that cats value their privacy and seldom grant interviews.

"We spoke with famous Cat Whisperer, Annie Malls, about what long term consequences such an experience would have on Snuggles. She said that Snuggles might suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and that the owner had to help make Snuggles feel safe and secure. She recommended removing the tree.

"Our best wishes go to the cat for a speedy recovery from what had to be a traumatic experience."

Looking a little disappointed, John said, "For a feel good story, I don't feel very good."

"Same here," Sean said.

John said, "Did you know that all flavors of Gourmet Food for Cats are made out of tofu except for the tofu flavor?"

"No, I didn't."

"It is."

"What is the tofu flavor made from?"

"Meat by products," John answered.

"That sounds disgusting," Sean said.

"So do you think this story is of historical significance?" John asked.

"No."

One of the students said, "That's was a really good news story. I feel real good after watching it."

John said, "Isn't that a picture of your mother?"

Sean looked up at the television screen. There was a picture of his mother on the screen. Underneath her picture was a caption reading, 'Patient X.'

"Uh oh! I wonder what she's done now," Sean said.

Looking excited, the news announcer said, "In a dramatic breaking news story that may bring about the end of civilization as we know it, a woman in a psychiatric hospital has gathered evidence that the government is funding experiments into brainwashing people. Due to privacy concerns, the identity of the patient must be kept secret and we cannot use her name, but must call her Patient X. Patient X, shown in the photo behind me, claims she is being held against her will at the hospital. We have an intrepid reporter on the scene."

The television cut over to a location in front of a hospital. The pretty young female reporter was still primping for her time on the air. Realizing that she was already on air, she picked up the microphone and faced the camera.

She said, "I am standing in front of the hospital where a female patient, known affectionately as Patient X, is being kept against her wishes. Patient X has what she claims is conclusive proof that the government is performing brainwashing experiments on patients in this facility. As you can see, there's nothing going on there. All that means is that the evil deeds are being performed behind closed doors.

"Oh wait! Someone is parking a car in the visitors parking lot. The driver is getting out of the car. He's looking in our direction. Now he's walking to the front door. He's opening it and, yes, he went inside. We don't recognize him, but it is possible that he is a government agent sent here to squash this important story.

"As you can imagine, the tension here is incredible."

The scene returned back to the studio. There was now a picture of the man from the parking lot with the caption, 'Man in Black?, ' under it.

The news announcer said, "We don't have all of the details on the proof that brainwashing experiments are taking place at the hospital. We think it is interesting that a government agent has already shown up on the scene. We have our best investigative reporters on the job to find out more about the mystery man who showed up at the hospital."

The picture behind the news announcer changed to that of a man with the caption, 'Dr. Jones – Government Goon, ' under it. The expression on the man's face was one of surprise, as if someone had jumped out in front of him and taken his picture.

The news announcer said, "Our intern has dug up evidence that the psychiatrist treating Patient X, shown on the screen behind me, has received a research grant titled, 'Healing Psychiatric Disorders Through Positive Reinforcement.'

"As anyone one in the know knows, positive reinforcement is government speak for waterboarding when you do something they don't like. We asked the head administrator at the hospital about waterboarding practices. He denies any involvement in any activities that might be considered torture. Of course, waterboarding has been ruled as an aggressive questioning technique and not torture. Our janitor, an authority on government conspiracies, says that his denial is proof enough that they are waterboarding patients in the hospital.

"We will be sending in an undercover reporter to unearth the truth. We'll have an interview with him as soon as we return from the commercial break."

John said, "Your mother sure is shaking things up there."

"I know," Sean said.

"I think it's significant that the government has already sent a man to the hospital to squash this story."

"That was my dad," Sean said.

"Your dad works for the government?" John asked.

"No. He's a traveling salesman."

John said, "That's a great cover story for a government employee."

"He's not a government employee. He's there to see my mother."

John said, "The reporter said he was a government employee."

"The reporter was wrong," Sean said.

One of the other students watching the news program said, "Hey Dude, this is serious stuff. The government is learning how to brainwash people and that poor Patient X is only the first victim. You and I are next. This is, like, real scary stuff."

"Ah man, don't you know anything? The government has been doing this stuff for years. How do you think the republocrats got into office?" another student said.

John said, "It's hard to believe that they are waterboarding people in hospitals. It will make me think twice if I ever have to have my appendix removed."

"They didn't say that they were waterboarding regular hospital patients, only those with psychological problems," Sean said.

"Who knows how deep the depravity exists in that hospital," John said.

Sean said, "I think the commercials are over."

The news announcer returned on the television. He said, "We are here with John Doe, our best undercover investigative reporter."

"Thank you," the man wearing a Nixon mask said.

"It must be difficult sneaking into places wearing that Nixon mask."

"I'm wearing that mask to hide my identity," Nixon said.

The news announcer asked, "What do you look like without the mask?"

Nixon removed the mask and said, "This is how I actually look."

"You look better with the Nixon mask on," the reporter said.

John Doe put his Nixon mask back on. He said, "My wife prefers it when I wear the Spiro Agnew mask."

"She's a woman of discriminating taste," the reporter said. "So how will you sneak into the facility?"

"I plan on showing up and telling everyone that I've seen trolls. They'll commit me and I'll experience the waterboarding treatments personally."

The news announcer said, "There's a local shopping center that advertises that it has a real mall toll troll named Stomp. He's very popular with the kids in the area. I don't think they'll lock you up for having seen a troll when everyone else has seen one too."

"Oh. I guess I'll say that I've fallen in love with a wood nymph."

"There are reports of wood and water nymphs in that area, along with Leprechauns, Giants, fairies, gnomes, brownies, and elves. They're not going to commit you for seeing something that lives in that area."

"This could be tough," Nixon said.

"Any other ideas?"

Nixon said, "I could say that I think Dances with Wolverines is the best movie ever made."

"That would get you locked up for life. You might not ever get out of there," the reporter said.

"It's a desperation move."

The reporter asked, "What if you don't get any evidence of torture taking place?"

Nixon said, "That's the best evidence that torture is taking place. Don't forget my undercover story on trees that drink beer and litter by throwing their cans on the ground."

"That's when you went undercover as a raccoon."

Nixon said, "That's right. I won a Pullmyfinger Prize for creative journalism for that story."

"It's easy to forget that you're an award winning journalist," the news announcer said with obvious envy in his voice.

"I expect to get another for this story," Nixon said confidently.

The news announcer said, "We've just gotten word that there is to be a press conference at the hospital. We'll bring that to you live after the commercials."

A commercial came on for Gourmet Food for Cats. It showed a cat stuck up in a tree. When the owner held out a can of the gourmet cat food, the cat jumped and died. The caption said, 'Cats are willing to die for Gourmet Food for Cats.'

John said, "I remember that story about trees that drink beer and throw their cans on the ground. That was real journalism."

"Didn't he have pictures of teenagers drinking and throwing their beer cans on the ground?" Sean asked.

John said, "Yes, but he said the trees put them up to it just to confuse the issue. He interviewed the teenagers and they admitted that it was a plot by the trees. They didn't want to drink the beer and throw the cans on the ground, but the trees tricked them into it."