Chapter 10

Suzie looked over at Sean. He was sitting there watching a dozen ball bearings orbiting around a ping pong ball. He pulled two more ball bearings out of his pocket and tossed them into the air. A second later they had joined the other ball bearings in orbiting the ping pong ball.

"You look bored," Suzie said.

"I really thought college would be a bit more challenging," Sean said with a sigh.

"I'm sure it will get harder," Suzie said.

Sean said, "It's the second week of school and I've already got five A's. Two of them are in classes that I hadn't even signed up for."

"That was kind of surprising," Suzie said since she had gotten three A's along with Sean. "I know about the A's in math. What are the other two?"

"The social studies class and my chemistry lab," Sean said.

Sean and Professor Gibbons had discussed all of the material to be covered in the course during his first office visit. At the end of the time visit, Professor Gibbons had handed Sean a copy of last year's final exam. Sean aced it. Professor Gibbons told him that he had an A and didn't have to come back.

Shocked, Suzie asked, "How did you get an A in your chemistry lab? You guys blew up the Science Building."

"I was the only student there at the time. Dr. Waters figured I got as much experience with things that go boom as any of his past students," Sean said.

"He's crazy," Suzie said.

Sean said, "I still have to go to the lecture classes. They aren't all that boring, but they aren't anywhere near as exciting as the lab class."

"I wouldn't know," Suzie said.

"Why not?" Sean asked.

Suzie answered, "There are no lab classes for the rest of the year. All of the labs are gone as a result of the explosion."

"Darn. I was looking forward to burning things with a laser next semester," Sean said.

"That's not going to happen," Suzie said.

Sean said, "So now I've only got three classes: Chemistry lecture, English, and History."

"That's not much for a full time student."

"I know. I've already read all of the books assigned for all of my classes," Sean said.

Suzie asked, "Why don't you sign up for some more classes?"

"I can do that?" Sean asked.

"Sure. It's not to late to Drop or Add classes," Suzie replied.

Sean asked, "How do I do that?"

Suzie wasn't sure, so she went to her desk and picked up a copy of the student handbook. It was a small handbook, only 387 pages of extremely small print. She flipped through the pages to find what she was looking for since there wasn't a table of contents or index. She finally found what she was searching for after the 30 pages on the grade arbitration process. She read the procedure with a frown.

"What does it say?" Sean asked.

Suzie said, "They got separate procedures for dropping a class, transferring to a different class, and adding a class. Dropping a class is pretty easy, just go to the department secretary and fill out the form. The chair of the department will sign the form and presto, the class is dropped. Apparently, professors really don't want to be teaching. Transferal requires you to go to the department secretary and then get the two professors to sign the form. Only a few professors will sign the form to let you into their class. The chair will sign the form on behalf of the professors and you'll be transferred."

"That sounds simple enough. How tough can it be to add a class?" Sean said.

"It looks a little complicated," Suzie said looking over the procedure.

"What is it?"

"Well, step one is to go to the registrars office to get an add/drop form."

"That makes sense."

Suzie said, "There's a footnote here."

"What does it say?" Sean asked.

"For male students: If the pretty girl is at the desk and you look at her boobs, she won't give you a form. If the ugly girl is at the desk and you don't ask her out on a date, she won't give you a form. She'll only give you the form after you've taken her out and had sex with her. All students who have tried that have been hospitalized for severe psychological stress disorders. If the plain girl is at the desk and you don't convince her she is pretty, she won't give you a form. If the handsome guy is at the desk and you don't ask him out, he won't give you the form. If the ugly guy is at the desk and you are better looking than him, he won't give you the form. If the battle ax is at the desk, she won't give you the correct form unless you request the form to drop out of school in which case she will fill it out for you and your roommate. All others who work at the desk have been instructed to say that they are out of forms and to come back next year."

"Is that what it really says?" Sean asked.

"Yes."

"I'm impressed. Imagine that, instructions that actually tell it like it is. You don't see that very often," Sean said.

"Step two is fill out three copies of the form. The required language on the first form is!Kung. The required language for the second copy of the form is Egyptian Hieroglyphs. The required language for the third copy of the form is cuneiform in the Old Assyrian ductus of the early second millennium, as adopted into Hittite."

"It could be worse," Sean said.

"They aren't making it easy," Suzie said.

"Is there a footnote?" Sean asked.

"Yes. It says there is a person on campus who knows!Kung but no one knows his or her identity. However, that unknown person will fill out the form in!Kung if you place the form, a twenty dollar bill, and a sheet with the class to be added, your name, your student id, and a haiku at the required drop location. The proper hiding spot is found by going to the northeast corner of the language building counting four rows of bricks up. The third brick along the eastern face is loose and the required materials are to be hidden behind it. The filled out form will be shoved under your dorm room door within twenty-four hours."

"Interesting."

"It sounds kind of cloak and dagger, to me," Suzie said.

"It sounds like a job for Double-o Zero," Sean said striking his muscleman pose.

"What's!Kung?"

"It's a language spoken by African Bushman in the Kalahari Desert. It's got lots of clicks and whistles in it. Fortunately, I know the language," Sean said.

"I didn't know that. When did you learn it?" Suzie asked.

"Knowing languages is part of my magic gift. What's the next step?"

"Step three is to take the form to the professor of the class you want to attend. The footnote says that they are required to tell you that you can't get into their class," Suzie said.

"At least, we won't go into this with any positive expectations," Sean said.

"Step four is to appeal the decision to the chair of the department for the course that you want to take. Again the footnote says that they are required to tell you no," Suzie said.

"Now we're making real progress," Sean said.

"Step five is to appeal the decision to the dean of the school."

"Which one?" Sean asked.

"Which one what?"

"The dean of the school of your major or over the course you're taking?" Sean asked.

"Um ... it doesn't say," Suzie said. "Wait, the footnote says that they're to tell you that you went to the wrong Dean."

"Ah! That makes sense. I love bureaucratic procedures."

"Step six to is appeal the decision to the other Dean unless it is the same as the Dean you went to the first time. In all cases, the Dean is required to say no."

"This isn't looking too positive," Sean said with a frown.

Suzie said, "Wait. There's a footnote here. Dean Brown will say yes to pretty coeds who have sex with him, but his yes will be overruled by the Provost."

"I'm the wrong gender so that doesn't apply to me," Sean said.

"Step seven is to appeal the decision to the Provost. There's another footnote here. Let's see ... He is required to say no," Suzie said.

Sean said, "Let me guess, step eight is to appeal to the President of the university."

"Yes, and he will say no," Suzie said.

"Who's next?"

Suzie said, "No one. Step nine says to hire a lawyer. There's a footnote that says that with one phone call from the lawyer all no's will become yeses and all yeses will become no's. You'll have your form approved within 180 work days, by which time the semester is over."

Sean said, "That is a very well documented procedure. Whoever wrote it must have really done his or her research."

Suzie said, "I'm impressed."

"I guess we start with step one," Sean said.

"We're off to see the registrar," Suzie said taking his arm in hers.

They skipped out of her dorm room and to the exit. The stepped out of the dorm and came to a stop. There, in middle of the sidewalk, was a squirrel. It was not just any old squirrel with a bushy tail merrily eating a nut, but a squirrel wearing a suit of armor made from soft drink cans. It held a small sword in it's little front paw and a shield in the other.

"We want bagels."

Sean said, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I am the knight they call Sir Squirrel."

Sean asked, "Where did you get the suit of armor?"

"According to the agreement I made with the Dwarves, I'm not supposed to talk about that," Sir Squirrel said.

Deciding that he was going to have a long talk with the Dwarves, Sean said, "So what are you doing here?"

"We want bagels."

"No. I'm not giving you any bagels," Sean said.

Sir Squirrel was getting ready to issue a challenge to a duel. However, at that moment, a student wearing thick glasses walked past. He looked down at the squirrel. Shaking his head, he picked up the squirrel and tossed him in the trash can.

With real disgust in his voice, the student said, "I can't stand litter bugs. There's a trash can right over there and some jerk drops his soda can right in the middle of the sidewalk."

"Some people are so inconsiderate of others," Sean said sagely.

"I better get to class," the kid said. He looked up at the building, squinted his eyes, and then said, "This isn't the lecture hall."