Chapter 3

I could guess what the conversation would be in the house when I got into my truck and drove off. They would be saying things did not go as I wanted them to, so I ran away. I did run away. I hadn't given the real reason. I know a person is not supposed to eavesdrop, but I inadvertently had. The night I saw Brenda in bed with Charlie I could have gotten beyond what she had done.

However, later that night when she woke Charlie up after sleeping several hours she had said, "Charlie, this is Carol. I need you to make love to me." He of course obliged. This was clear when I went downstairs just as Brenda was finally leaving Charlie's room much later. I heard Judy and Brenda arguing. Judy realized what Brenda had done and she accused her of just using Charlie for her own pleasure. Brenda just asked why she didn't stop us. There was no answer and I wondered as well.

Brenda begged Judy not to tell me and Judy finally promised she wouldn't. Still I might have got beyond it, but Brenda laid all of the blame on being inebriated. She certainly wasn't drunk after she woke up and used Charlie two more hours for her own pleasure. Twenty-three years gone to hell.

I called Ben just as soon as I found a small place to live. It was a loft in an old factory building and near the factory where I was working. I could see the Pacific out my window. I worked for the same company as I had in the east and I had transferred. Ben didn't say much when I called, just that Gram and he had talked and no one knew why I had left so abruptly.

It took me two hours to explain to him what made me leave. I didn't trash his mother other than saying some mistakes were made. "Ben, don't blame your mother on this. We were married when we were in our teens and we have been faithful all of our lives. We have lived our lives right on the farm all of these years. If we hadn't started this lodge, nothing would have changed. We did though, and it has opened up things we never even thought about before. It has for me as well as your mother.

"It is something I don't want to fight about, so I was the one to leave. I'll be back in the spring and whatever develops, I believe your mother and I will end up as friends even if we aren't married anymore."

"Somehow I knew that, Dad."

"Ben, please don't give anyone my address. I will write your grandmother soon. She is a survivor and she has a man to hang onto now. I could have wished Ho Lee had asked Mom to marry him. That might have made me feel better about what has happened."

"Dad, he's an Oriental."

"So--your great-great grandfather married an Indian squaw. I will tell you right now, Ho Lee is all man and I'd be proud to have him as a stepfather. He has to make it legal, though."

"I take it you won't be around for Thanksgiving?"

"No, but I wish you would still go and be with the family. Gram will still welcome you. Your mother will too. Ben, I am hanging up. Say hi to the girls and Sandy. I hope your life turns out better than mine."

"Dad, your life isn't over with yet. Have faith."

I wrote my mother apologizing for leaving so suddenly. Three days later Ben called. "Gram got your letter, but she is complaining you didn't really give her a reason. You want to share with me?"

"No."

"Okay, I guess I can figure it out. It is something Mom did or didn't do. Let us see, she is in her early forties. It can't be menopause. She should be short of that by two to five years. That is the norm anyway. Therefore, I am guessing Mom jumped the fence and went grazing in greener pastures and you couldn't handle it. How close am I?"

"You're right on, but that isn't the whole story. It is who she chose for a partner. The disabled man is one who can only remember one thing. That is love he had for his wife before he was injured. Your mother traded on that fact and used it for her own pleasure. Drunk once, yes, but then she dipped into the well twice more when she was sober. To me, that is the worst kind of abuse.

"I thought I could handle it. There was so much going on around the farm at the time I found out, I just lied to myself and was going to live with it. I found I couldn't. End of story."

There was silence on the other end of the phone. Then, "Go on Dad. There has to be more. You wouldn't leave the farm just because Mom cheated on you. You would divorce her and kick her out. The divorce, maybe, but I know you wouldn't let the farm go."

"The farm is listed."

"I know, I saw it in the listings, but you have the price so high no one will look at it. You do not have to say anymore for now. I'll figure it out during the Thanksgiving holiday. Call me. Love to you, Dad."

I was lonely on Thanksgiving Day more so than I ever had been before. I thought about the fireplace and wondered if it had been started. That was the plan before everything went to hell. I thought about Brenda. We had had so many happy years together. I almost called her to tell her I was coming home and would drop the divorce. I didn't though. I still had four months to do that before it became final. I would know by Christmas what I was going to do.

It was six in the evening my time, when my phone rang. Good, I thought, Ben is calling me. "Hello."

"Jonathan, it's me, Mom. I made Ben give me your number. How are you?"

"I'm fine, Mom. It has been a lonely day for me though. I've been missing you."

"Have you been eating okay? I worry about you."

"Hey I'm forty-one, almost forty-two."

"I know, but I remember when you were a little boy. There has been quite a crowd here today. Ben and his family have arrived. Judy and Charlie are still here. Two more couples came last weekend. I wanted to tell you things aren't so rosy now as they were before with Joni and Sarah. When they come back again next month, they reserved different weeks. Joni and Rich have the same week, but Sarah and Bob will be here the week before."

"Is Ho Lee still there?"

"Yes. Jonathan that is how I was able to get your number from Ben. Ho has asked me to marry him. The reason he did not ask me before is that he thought it was me who owned the farm. He thought it would be too much for me to share. I convinced him that you owned the property, but I had a third of the business part. He could share in that because of what he has done to make it better. Ben said this was what you wanted."

"Yes and you tell Ho that I'm glad he is going to be my stepfather. When is the wedding?"

"Christmas week two days before, I think, but the date may change. You will be here to see me become, Mrs. Lee?"

"I will. Mom, you haven't mentioned Brenda. How is she? Ben doesn't mention his mother."

"I was afraid you were going to ask. I don't know what your feelings are toward her. This may hurt, but you did ask. Brenda is here at night only during the week. Weekends she stays downtown. She was here for dinner today and she had a guest with her. He seems nice, but I don't know anything about him. He is a man she works with or for, I can't tell which.

"It was pretty uncomfortable for her, but I don't think she is sorry you sued her and she doesn't appear to have any regrets that I can tell. Ben probably knows more of the situation than I do."

"That's good. I guess we just fell out of love. She was the one to trigger it, but it probably would have happened at some point. I could have done something to break us up as well as her."

"You haven't asked about Judy and Charlie? Judy inquires about you. She feels guilty, believing it was she who drove you away."

"She shouldn't feel guilty, although her being in the house did have something to do with me leaving. Most of the reason was how Brenda treated Charlie. She took the worst kind of advantage of the poor guy and I wasn't going to let it continue. I am as guilty in a small way as well. I kissed Judy one time when we were both drinking. Neither of us wanted to stop, but we did. Would I have stopped the next time I kissed her if I had the chance? I just don't know.

"I felt it was better to remove myself from the temptation for awhile. Anyway, I think she is a wonderful person and is doing a great job caring for her brother. She has enough on her plate without me roiling the waters."

"Judy might not think that way."

"I can't help it. Someday I intend to have a conversation with her just to see how she feels if she stays. I will be free in another four months and then we'll both know. I will probably be home for good by that time. I am here for six months."

"Jonathan, you are one in a million. Another man in your situation would have had her in your bed and damn the consequences. You're better than I am. Look how I seduced Ho Lee."

"It worked for you, Mom, but you were free to do so. I'm not."

"I'll hang up now. You know son, this is the best conversation I have had with you in many years. You won't mind if I call again will you?"

"No, you may call anytime. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. I love you, Mom. Bye for now."

I sat back and thought about where I was now. I felt good about Mom being married soon. Lee was an anglicized name so if she were addressed as Mrs. Lee, it wouldn't trouble her. Not that it would anyway. I could understand Ho's delay in wedding Mom. It was just as she said to me over the phone. He didn't want to seem grasping.

I had been feeling guilty about what I had done to Brenda, but it didn't seem to bother her. Maybe she was waiting for this divorce. There was no doubt I was pushing her out of my life after we had been a couple for so long. Keeping the farm going had been a struggle for so many years and I knew she chaffed about the life we were living before this summer.

We came up with changing the farm to a lodging place. It had eased a lot of the burden on us as individuals, but it had exposed us to people with different values and lifestyles. We were able to relax and go out more. This was because all of our guests pitched in and helped on the daily duties. We certainly weren't treated as servants.

I had to admit there was something like a sexual virus in the air. There was Mom, who became a sexual being. There was Joni and Sarah, who were making a game of marriage. Yes, there was Judy who everyone thought was having sex with her sibling. It was not known for sure, but suspected and definitely out of the norm. This I suppose was titillating to some. Drunk, Brenda had caught the virus. Hell, I had caught it too.

I spent a lot of time thinking about home. I took all three of my meals at a little diner on the corner of the street. I worked and did not have any social life. I take that back, there was a little country bar that had amateur bands playing there on Friday and Saturday evenings. I had staked out a seat at the end of the bar and as long as the place wasn't crowded, the bartender didn't care if I nursed my beer as long as I wanted.

The next time I talked to Mom, I asked her about the farm's financial situation. She said it was fine. I advised her to look for a couple of more lodgers to fill in some of the weeks when there was no one booked. "Who would handle that? Brenda is not taking any interest in the place at all. She hasn't come home on Friday the last two weeks."

"How about Judy? Would she help you find one or two lodgers?"

"She is a big help. She and Brenda are barely civil. I don't blame Judy because she tries. I have to defer to Brenda though, because whatever you think, she is still my daughter-in-law and the mother of my grandson."

"I know Mom. I understand. Tell me when she is home and I'll call and see if I can talk to her."

"She is home right now." I heard Mom speak to Brenda.

"Hi, Jonathan, this is a surprise. I mean you wanting to talk to me. I suppose you are having fun out there in Hollywood."

"First, I'm not in Hollywood. Actually I'm living in a two room loft, take my meals in a greasy spoon and drink two beers in a bar two nights a week. I'm doing exactly the same work for the same company as I did at home. And how is your world?"

"Actually, I think it sounds much better than yours. I work and I like my job. I think you cut off your nose to spite your face. I'm dating a co-worker and I am sleeping with him two or three nights a week. He lives in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. If we decide to make this permanent in the future we'll have to get something bigger."

"I made a choice to leave. At least it kept me from saying a lot of hurtful things to you. Brenda, please may we talk just a minute without sniping at each other? I'd like a favor."

"What is it?"

"Would you see about getting Mom a couple of lodgers to fill the rooms occasionally? Mom says her finances are okay, but I worry."

"I can't see where I should do that for either of you. Besides, I'm not staying here much longer. Pat and I are looking for an apartment so we can move in together. Get Judy to do it. I am miffed at her. She promised she wouldn't tell you about me staying with Charlie after I sobered up."

"Brenda, Judy didn't say a thing to me about you screwing Charlie. I did hear you and her arguing that night and I did hear her promise you not to tell me. I was just coming down the stairs to get you and your voices were raised. I expected you to confess to me in the morning and you did not. Even then, I tried to get over what you had done, but eventually I concluded I couldn't trust you.

"I think I treated you pretty damned well considering everything. You crawled into the bed of a man who was not even whole. Don't tell me you didn't want to swap partners with Sarah and Joni and get into bed with Bob and Rich? There was no trust left in me about you. I made the decision to leave before I became violent."

"Maybe I did and maybe I went further with Rich and Bob than I should have, but don't tell me you didn't have the hots for Judy? I saw how she cried when you left. I think you are the biggest hypocrite there ever was."