Chapter 3: Being a Jerk

Dexter was in a bad mood. The previous evening, his anniversary dinner with his wife had been interrupted three times by Mark, and once by Janet’s boss. Mark kept calling during the commercials of some television program he was watching. He wanted to get some project numbers that he believed Dexter could look up on his computer at home. He didn’t seem to understand the flat declaration that Dexter was not available to go to his computer to look up things since he was in a restaurant having dinner. His wife didn’t appreciate the interruptions and any chance for a romantic conclusion to the evening had disappeared by the third call.

Dexter was sitting on the toilet engaged in what he liked to call ‘his morning constitutional’ when his cell phone rang. He didn’t have to glance at the caller id to know his boss was calling. He didn’t want to answer it since the last thing he wanted to do was to talk to his boss while sitting on the toilet. Of course the alternative was to listen to a ten-minute voice mail, and then talk to his boss while shaving.

Grumbling, he answered and put it on speakerphone. He said, “Hello, Mark.”

“Oh ... Dexter ... I expected it to go to voice mail,” Mark said sounding surprised to actually get him that morning.

“Not this morning. I’m sitting on the crapper and have nothing better to do, than to shit and talk to you,” Dexter said. He pressed his lips together and blew so that it made a sound like he was passing gas. When he quit, he moaned, “Ah! I feel like I’m gonna pass a big one.”

“I don’t need to know that kind of shit,” Mark said, without realizing he had made a rather unfortunate play on words.

“It’s six-fifteen in the morning. I’m taking a dump. Office hours officially start at nine,” Dexter said.

“You’re a salaried worker. You work when there is work to be done,” Mark said.

“What do you want?” Dexter asked.

Mark said, “The Director wants me to attend some kind of talk this afternoon. I want you to go in my place.”

“When did he tell you about that?” Dexter asked.

“Monday morning,” Mark answered.

“Why didn’t you tell me Monday morn...”

Interrupting him, Mark shouted, “You assholes drive this fucking route every fucking morning. By now you should know where the hell you’re going.”

Dexter said, “Why didn’t you tell me about this Monday morning?”

“I decided last night that I could spend my time a little better by getting ready for the trip to India,” Mark said.

“Why are you going to India?” Dexter asked dreading the answer.

The teams in India were his responsibility. He didn’t need Mark going over there and screwing things up. He was going to end up having to patch relations with the folks over there. That might even require that he make an extra trip. It had taken him a year to establish a reasonable working relationship with them.

“It was the Director’s idea. He told me to go there after I told him that I’d never seen their facilities,” Mark answered.

Dexter said, “I’ve been there. They’ve got cheap PCs that connect to our machines here.”

“Well, I need to see that for myself,” Mark said. “Besides, I’ve never been to India. Why not have the company pay for it?”

“You could have given me a little more not...”

“Use your turn signal, asshole!”

“I’ve got three project status meetings scheduled for this afternoon. What will I do about them?” Dexter asked.

“Attend your meetings by phone,” Mark said.

“I’m going to be very popular when I start talking over the speaker,” Dexter said.

“You don’t have to say anything in your meetings. All you have to do is listen to your underlings talk. If you have to communicate with them, use instant messaging,” Mark said.

Dexter could see himself trying to listen to a conversation on the phone and a lecture by some self-proclaimed expert. He said, “I doubt I would be able to give my meetings or the speaker the kind of attention required.”

“You’ve got to learn to multi-task,” Mark said with a snort of derision.

Dexter put a hand under his armpit and made a farting noise while saying, “I’ll figure out how to listen to two conversations at once, instant message, and answer e-mails at the same time.”

“Jesus! What have you been eating to make those kinds of noises?” Mark asked.

The sound of a horn blowing could be heard over the phone. Mark shouted, “I have to change lanes asshole. Fucker keeps riding in my blind spot.”

“Beans,” Dexter answered finding it difficult to keep from laughing.

Mark said, “I didn’t call you to listen to you fart. Call me when you get off the pot.”

“Is there anything else that you need to tell me?” Dexter asked.

“Not really,” Mark said.

“I’ll talk to you when I get to the office,” Dexter said.

“I guess that would be okay. Next time, get off the pot when I call you,” Mark said.

Dexter disconnected and laughed. He said, “I’m gonna be on the pot every time you call, asshole.”

The phone rang again. Dexter answered it. “What did you forget to tell me?”

“Are you off the toilet yet?” Mark asked.

“No,” Dexter answered.

“I forgot to tell you that the talk is in the cafeteria at one thirty,” Mark said. “I’ll send you an e-mail with more details.”

“You could have sent me an e-mail with the details without talking to me,” Dexter said.

Mark said, “I just wanted to make sure you knew to expect an e-mail.”

“Anything else?” Dexter asked.

“I can’t think of anything,” Mark said.

“Great. Now I can wipe my ass,” Dexter said.

Terrance (don’t call me Terry or Ter or T) Jones stood at the front of the room as if he was the most important person in the world. Dexter wasn’t impressed. The guy looked like a snake oil salesman of the worst kind.

Terrance announced, “We are on the verge of transforming from an information age to a Service Economy. Does anyone want to guess what I mean by that?”

Dexter, who was still in a bad mood, answered, “It means that we are going to get checkout people at stores again, people at the counters of fast food places, full service gas station attendants, and real tellers at the bank.”

“No,” Terrance said. “That isn’t service. That is having people do things for you.”

“I like people doing things for me. I consider that they are performing a service,” Dexter said.

“Those are menial positions. People don’t want to do that kind of work,” Terrance said.

Dexter looked around the cafeteria for a second. He asked, “How many people worked in a fast food place when you were in high school or going to college?”

About a third of the people raised their hands. Dexter asked, “How many of you were excited when you got that job?”

All of the same people were holding up their hands.

Dexter said, “It looks like people do want to do that kind of work.”

“That’s a bogus survey. They really didn’t want that job or they would still be working there,” Terrance said. “Besides, we aren’t talking about those kinds of services.”

“What kind are we talking about?” Dexter asked.

“Having our cell phones and handheld computers performing services for us,” Terrance answered.

“So my cell phone is going to fill my gas tank?” Dexter asked.

“No,” Terrance answered. “It will tell you things.”

Dexter asked, “Like what?”

“It will help you manage your time better. It will tell you if your plane is going to be late. It will make reservations for you at restaurants. It will tell you where you can buy things cheaper,” Terrance answered.

“I’ve got that plane thing already. Of course, it takes me forty-five minutes to an hour and a half to get to the airport. I’ve got to get there two hours early because of security. That means that I have to leave here at least three hours before my flight,” Dexter said. “Now it seems like every time my flight has been delayed, I’m already at the airport when that program tells me that my flight is delayed. It’s not of much use to me.”

“What about when it’s snowing?” Terrance asked.

“You know what ... they announce major weather delays at national airports on the radio. I’ve never been surprised,” Dexter said.

“You’re just not using it right,” Terrance said.

“So exactly what kind of services are going to be performed for me in this burgeoning Service Economy that is going to save me lots of time?” Dexter asked.

“Well, you use search engines to find information, don’t you?” Terrance asked.

“Yes, I do,” Dexter answered.

“That’s a service,” Terrance said. “What do you use it for?”

“Porn,” Dexter answered getting a laugh from everyone.